by Dalai Mama
Welcome to the Below Deck Med Recap, in which beautiful people will drink and make out in the pleasure capital of the Mediterranean, and Joao will slut-shame them all.
Sorry to have missed last week’s fun, my fine friends, and I’m not quite back to working order yet. Anyone out there dealing with a parent with dementia? It is a whole new version of hell.
We open with a culinary post-mortem. The abbreviated version is the guests didn’t like their grub. It isn’t “five star”. Sandy takes this in grimly, then the guests are dropped over the side, and Captain Sandy addresses the crew. She is in A Mood. And so am I. June complains.
Aesha is vacuuming and being fairly adorable. She chats up Anastasia who steps up to new heights of World Class Condescension. “The job I’m doing requires brain power,” she snips. “Unlike vacuuming.” Aesha is like ‘oh no she didn’t’. I’d rather go hungry and hang with Aesha and her vacuum than eat Anastasia’s Superiority Nuggets.
Hannah and Joao are doing some kind of My So Called Life mating dance. “Do you like me?” “I don’t know. What if I do?” “I don’t know.” “Okay, so like whatever?” “Yeah, like whatever.”
The crew is getting a night of alcohol and good times at the Monte Carlo Hotel, courtesy of the Anonymous Boss. Hannah and Travis snog, while Joao sulks. June is hungry. People are canoodling by the pool.
Aesha is sexing it up. Why not? She’s in Monaco. Joao gallantly calls her trash, and tells her she looks like a prostitute.Travis passes out at dinner, which Hannah seems to find unattractive.
Even affable Colin in his totally on fleek shirt has to tell Travis to shape up.
What is genuinely more upsetting is Joao’s relentless slut-shaming of Aesha, which continues at dinner. Aesha is usually armored up, but she’s on the verge of tears at this dinner, and I can see why. Joao is being absolutely disgusting. He’s coming on full-tilt Abigail Williams in The Crucible.
Joao talks about his mother being assaulted in his talking head and cries, and I’m sure it’s very sad, but this Pope Joao wagging his finger in Aesha’s face is pissing me off. Jack attempts to defend her, but lamely.
Back on the Sirocco, the crew prepares for the next posse of guests. After that, Travis calls Joao out on his chronic slut-shaming, and good for him. If he has a drinking problem, that’s none of my business. He’s got a heart of gold.
Too Smart to Vacuum
The guests arrive. The primary is named Verne, and is wearing the most perfect fuschia shirt I’ve ever seen, so I love him already.
The first meal served is cold pasta that isn’t supposed to be cold. This irritates Anastasia, because she’s Too Smart to Vacuum. June isn’t answering her radio. Also she’s probably hungry.
Meal two: Lamb burgers. Verne wants truffle fries. I’m sorry, these guests are the cutest guys ever. Just bring them their truffle fries!
After waiting some time for their truffle fries, the guests are ready for some fun. They have gotten into some highly fashionable swim trunks, and are all over the water toys. But one of them has taken the jet skis into the Neutral Zone, and is endangering boats and swimmers.
In Which the Guests Receive a Time Out
Joao is sent out to retrieve them. A police boat arrives, looking gleaming and sleek, like a maritime One Adam Twelve. Reid and Malloy bob in the waves as Joao retrieves the errant jetskier. As a result, Sandy gives all the guests a time out and sends them to their rooms. (I made that part up.)
Anastasia sings an original composition about how fine her food is. Even her singing has no tune.
And now it is time for the first dinner of the charter. Where do these guys shop? They look mighty fine. Uh oh. The red snapper is cold. The rice is cold. Therefore Anastasia surmises that a freak cold front is chilling the dishes while they are being transported to the table. Another plate gets sent back because the fish has no taste.
Chief Inspector Culinary Hound
Sandy arrives in full Culinary Inspector Hound mode. She drops in to talk to the guests. Anastasia is incensed. Is it her fault of the flavor somehow fell out of the fish AFTER she plated it? New plates with hot, flavored food arrive as Anastasia fumes. NONE of this is her fault. The final insult – there is a hair on someone’s key lime pie. Houston, do we have a Ben yet?
Next week on Below Deck Med we are treated to a 90 minutes special. That’s 90 minutes of Anastasia making mistakes, Travis and Hannah fighting, and Colin going to talk to Sandy about something controversial. Is Travis going to be outed as a problem drinker? Is Ben finally going to show up?