It’s time for what I think will be the penultimate episode of this season of Southern Charm. But, before we get to my Southern Charm recap, I have several bits of real time news. First of all, the reunion was taped today (or maybe yesterday I’ve been awake for about five hours today as I am currently a night nurse for Banjo and time is a hazy concept).
Secondly, I mentioned this in comments on the Southern Charm recap but since some people rob themselves of the comment section (AKA the best part of the site) I shall reiterate. Shep is a human scumbag. Not just because he is an entitled walking STD who seem to REALLY over estimate the white male privilege thing, it seems he manages to find a way to be more despicable EVERY DAMN DAY.
Shep posted an IG that I chose not to repost of him heckling a female homeless person. She kept begging him to stop filming her and he kept on laughing. She had collected seven or so huge bags of aluminum cans to earn some cash. They were in huge see through bags. He thought the double entendre of “You’ve got great cans!” was so spectacular he decided to scream it at her while laughing over and over. Meanwhile, she is covering her face and saying NO! over and over and curling into a ball. It was horrific. And when people chastised him for he said she laughed and it was fine. Then he came after people for pointing out what a narcissistic piece of shit he is.
Anyway,the other news today is that Kathryn had a really bad wreck last Friday. She was on highway 17 which is the old coastal highway that I prefer over I-95 when roadtripping the eastern coast. It’s very busy in the Charleston area. She says she was distracted by the kids in the back seat and veer off into the opposite flow of traffic, ran into a guard rail, went off the road, mowed down three trees and hit two light posts.
Amazingly, no other vehicles were involved. No one was hurt and she talked her way out of a ticket. Apparently, Thomas found out when it ran on the local news. This is NOT GOOD for her custody case. Especially since Thomas has video surveillance from his PI of her being unable to leave the south of Broad house without sideswiping the shit out of a parked car. UGH.
And Now… On With The Recap!
In the fucked up mental state I am in, seeing that we start on James Island with Chelsea and her dad is the best thing ever. Can we just have an hour of this please? I want to be Chelsea. Or maybe date her dad. You know if he wasn’t married. Chelsea was thinking about going into business with Madison. Until, Colorado. Her dad said to go it on your own. I agree.
Meanwhile, Kathryn and meet her truelove, Hunter Price. But can we talk about how she has giant posters of herself ALL OVER THE HOUSE? At least be tasteful and get a portrait done my an artist or something. Maybe with your kids. But these glamour shots side by side by side are a bit obnoxious. Sorry, girl. Love you. You still have a lot to learn. And why is she talking like that in her talking heads? It’s like some weird Kim Kardashian whisper.
The point of this Duck Kong Feet ( you can’t make this shit up) sandwich scene is to tell Danni about her meeting with Madison. And to learn what Tally Ho! most certainly does not mean. Oddly, Eliza does know what it means. Then Eliza reminds me reminds me why I don’t like her. She invites Trashley to the fox hunt.
I forgot about this entire debacle. Craig and Austen meet up to talk about the fallout of Austen telling Madison about Shep’s STDs. Frankly I feel like Shep is walking human sack of STDs. Cameran is going to get a contact STD just by filming with him. Yet, she films with him. Shep is not drinking in this scene. Perhaps it doesn’t mix well with his Chlamydia meds. Cameran co-signs all of Shep’s nastiness. Then she coaxes him to out Austen’s “sexual deviance” on national TV. He doesn’t need much coaching. I don’t speak Shep but apparently Austen spelled out buttsex in rose petals on the bed and Madison said yes.
QUELLER HORREUR! DROWN THEM BOTH! I think most people have had butt sex with far less fanfare. These two suck ass. Probably, literally. Who are they to sit on their sanctimonious high horses?
Then Austen and Madison go out for a nice dinner. Austen is feeling upset by Madison betraying his trust for the second time. But then he professes his undying love for her. Austen had a scene with Craig earlier where he said that Madison is who he would save in a world ending situation. Craig seemed hurt. Of course this is all overly produced. Madison loves him too. They kiss. Then they “break up” after filming.
Hunting Nonexistent Foxes
Say what you will about Eliza, and I talk plenty of shit about her, but she is a billion times more southern that Patricia. She is everything Patricia wishes she was. Shep takes the newest chick with STDs, Bailey to the plantation. Oh, I think Bailey might have stopped sleeping with Shep. She may be STD free.
Austen and Cameran ride together despite her urging Shep to tell him salacious secrets about Austen. I have loved Cameran since the Real World days. But I think she’s turned into a piece of shit too. The tension between Shep and Austen is real. Everyone is plied with alcohol. It think scuppernong wine was passed. It truly does taste like cough syrup. But scuppernong jelly is great.
Aaron Rothman (producer) went all out for Trashley’s wardrobe. Meanwhile, Kathryn paid for her own and is not selling it somewhere. So if you are her size try and find it. She spent insane amounts on her wardrobe this season. Anyway, basically everyone chickened out on Tally Ho-ing and road on the wagon instead. This may be the longest Shep has ever been on the wagon. Eliza is the only one riding. Kathyrn and Danni missed the entire hunt and showed up just in time to eat. How do you miss a fox hunt?
Craig is dressed as a Russian babushka.
A Pall Falls Over The Event
For the first time all season I am enjoying a genuine southern event. And I am not in a good way to this is amazing. Then sadly the dogs lose the scent. And the stench of Trashley surfaced. UGH. Why is Cameran suddenly Team Kathryn. Oh yeah, Cameran Whore. Got it.
The showdown between Kathryn and Trashley goes down. I can’t even breakdown this little whore’s lies. Kathryn isn’t buying it. Kathryn eventually just walks away from her bullshit.
Then the requisite scene with Austen and Shep happens. Neither are likable. Who the fuck cares? Shep is a disgusting piece of shit and his opinion of ANYONE’S relationship is completely irrelevant. He can’t even FORM a relationship. Fuck Shep.
Next week it is the final Southern Charm recap of the season. Click the above spoilers link to see how that all works out.