Well now, would you look at the title of this Southern Charm recap. Not only has Eliza been virtually erased from the last half of the season, leaving us with awkward scenes with just her weird boyfriend, Madison has stepped up to grab all the scenes. And now she is a title character. She’s at the center of this three episode story arc in Colorado. Nice work there, Madison.
Speaking of scenes with Don but no Eliza, Don wakes up after the giant pot party where massive amounts of alcohol was served to a cabin that looks like a giant frat house the more after a long pledge week. Unable to find his girlfriend he stumbles into Austen’s room and discovers him in bed with Madison. Everyone is very much worse for wear.
Shep Is The Human Morning After Pill
When Shep stumbles into the kitchen for coffee, the first words out of his mouth are about Austen and Madison hooking up. Followed by a talking head about how awful the two of them are. Shep really does think he is something special, doesn’t he?
Cameran and Whitney once again get special allowances to head back to Charleston early. It seems every time Whitney pulls his “producer strings” for a room upgrade or an earlier flight home, Cameran jumps right in on that. Craig claims that Whitney is leaving because he is embarrassed about hooking up with Kathryn. Craig knows full good and well that never happened. But the script is the script I guess. Plus it means Whitney and Cameran are going to fly to Denver and not have to take the bus with the peasants.
Austen Gets The Cold Shoulder In The Hot Springs
After breakfast, everyone heads off to the hot springs. The topic of conversation for everyone is Austen and Madison. I’ve never in my life been around people who are so obsessed with another couple in the group. Madison and Austen are pretty boring as couples go. Even with his threesome. Madison makes it very clear that she has enjoyed her weekend with Austen, but she wants a committed relationship. Madison plans to continue dating other guys in Charleston.
Austen doesn’t want to lose her but is not ready to get married and be a step-father. So these two are not a match and just need to move on with their lives and stop hooking up with each other. Madison says that Shep is a poor role model for him. Shep is busy being obnoxious and splashing water on the girls like a ten year old. Austen is pissed that she thinks Shep is is role model! He is just one of his “running mates” who tells him what to do, who to fuck, and what to think!
Everyone Weighs In On The Lovers’ Spat
After Madison flees Austen in the hot springs, she tells Kathryn that Austen constantly changes his mind. I think Austen is pretty clear. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Austen runs to Craig to complain about Madison. He says she is always just telling him how he has to change. No, Austen, she is telling you her expectations for the relationship. And they are things you don’t want to change. So go on about your business. Craig says Madison is a man-eater. Oh please.
The ride back to the cabin was very quiet. Then it’s time to pack up and get ready for a late night flight back to Charleston. Austen apologies to Kathryn for not checking in with her on the weed activities. Meanwhile, Madison tells Shep she is feeling low and to tell her something funny. Somehow that turns into to an argument over Austen. Madison points out that Shep has made every girl in the house cry at some point. He has anger issues. Shep says he deals in facts. Madison insinuates that she has facts he might not want aired out.
Are These The Facts?
Then Madison just blurts out that he gave Danni chlamydia! Danni is sitting right there! Danni flips out. Shep is pissed. Craig chimes in. And Madison is accused of throwing Shep, Danni and Austen under the bus! I believe Madison. Shep seems like he oozes STDs from his pores. I wouldn’t want to share a couch with him let alone anything else. But that was not a very kind thing to do to Danni.
When Austen arrives on the scene, Shep has left and it’s just Madison and Craig. When he asks what happened Craig tells him what she said. He blows his top. It seems like he knows it is true and he is the one who told Madison. He storms out. Then he carries the entire conversation back to the other house.
Just Get on The Bus, Gus!
Danni comes back out furious with Madison for what she said. Madison seemed to have remorse at first but now she just insults Danni and tells her to “go outside and chainsmoke her menthols.” She keeps digging her hole, this one. Danni goes outside with Kathryn. She’s really hurt by that whole situation.
In the other house, Austen tells Chelsea that this is the one thing he can’t stand about Madison. She’s vindictive as hell. He goes to the other house to talk to Madison. The first words out of Madison’t mouth are, “I’m not apologizing.” Austen says that he has broken her trust by spewing out things he told her in confidence. Then he hugs her. After the argument, they all pile on the bus for a very long, very awkward bus ride.
The Unholy Return To The Holy City
BTW, Craig’s pillows are currently available for purchase online. They are $58! In other news, Cameran’s time away from Palmer made her realize she doesn’t want a nanny so she can go back to work. She doesn’t want to miss any moments with Palmer. Palmer seems to have grown twelve months during filming. She’s walking and everything! The scene with Cameran and her mom and Palmer was really cute.
Austen goes to grab a bite at Naomie. He tries to explain that everyone is mad at everyone. Naomie wonders why Shep keeps poking at Madison so much. They both agree he’s pissed Madison didn’t want anything to do with him. Or his Chlamydia.
Madison stops by to see Kathryn. It’s the first we see of her actual house. She’s dropped a lot of money on the interior. Between her clothes and her home furnishings and her attorney’s fees she is blow through her Southern Charm paycheck. Madison wants help from Kathryn on how to fix things with Danni. Kathryn is impressed that she stood up to Shep. Kathryn wants to form a girls alliance. They go so well on Big Brother. I expect the same results here.
Austen Confronts Shep
When Austen goes to confront Shep, Shep of course wants to drive the narrative. So Shep starts pontificating about what a happy person he is who likes to surround himself with happy people. Shep may be the most deluded person on reality TV and that is saying a lot.
When Shep bring up his lameass apology to Madison for calling her white trash, Austen points out that she said it was a very disingenuous apology. Happy Shep gets agitated and tells Austen he should have stuck up for him. He should have told her to shut up. Happy Shep screams, “Have you ever told her to STFU before?” Austen asks if he has ever considered NOT screaming obscenities at women. He points out that could be why Happy Shep has never had a girlfriend.
Then Happy Shep says that Madison just doesn’t fit in. She belongs in a Honky Tonk bar on a barstool that is a saddle talking shit to Tonya at the end of the bar. He is such a scumbag. Austen points out that Shep is a bad friend and an entitled prick.
Next week, Thomas’s polo call girl will grace our screen again in another pathetic scene where she is begging to be taken into the group. It will never happen. Kathryn has met Hunter over the holidays and is in love. Austen is still head over dick for for Madison. It’s the Foxhunt episode.