by Dalai Mama
The Below Deck Med Recap is relieved to announce that the Great Cutlery Conundrum of 2019 is over. The guests have their sky picnic with miracle forks and knives. As the world’s eyes turn to June, she bleats her innocence with more vocal fry than Lindsey Lohan on Oprah. Production helpfully Ramona-Singers the statement by flashing a shot of the bag of plastic silverware lying where June left it in the galley.
Aesha politely smiles as Jackie the primary drops 30 large on a blue chunky necklace. “When I was growing up, we couldn’t even afford cheese,” she tells us. When the time comes to carry everything back down, June simpers and whimpers the whole way.
Work Ethics for Dummies
Down in the galley, the galley so low, hang your head over, and hear Anastasia complain about preparing sea urchin. She says it looks like a testicle with spikes coming out of it. While Anastasia worries, Jack continues to research his upcoming dissertation on the importance of cultivating a work ethic.
June flies into a sedated stoner rage on learning Hannah is giving her a one-hour break. She wants MORE. “Gosh durn it,” she mewls. “I was up with the chickens, and hand milked every sea cow in the Med. This is bogus.” Or something along those lines.
Jack cheerfully says, “Ima da way bloopnose windy yada splape bob”, which Joao’s Universal Translator converts into the King’s English. Now Joao is mad. In fact, Joao is as mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore. “Nothing I can do,” Hannah tells him. So Joao IS going to take it anymore. He slinks off to the galley to work on his Clint Eastwood face.
The Unsinkable Aesha
June has opted out of the “waking up” portion of her nap, and snoozes blissfully as Hannah repeatedly calls her name over the radio. In another score for editors across the world, the cameras catch Hannah telling the unsinkable Aesha that she can have an hour break. Aesha squeals with gratitude, which is very sweet, and throws sea shade all over the slumbering newbie.
Travis and June are hitting it off like Howard Stern and Margaret Thatcher at a beer pong festival.
Hannah is so much nicer this season. I think she’s the kind of person who is just better when she has a reliable stew-friend and no boy problems.
Here is the part I’m dreading – Jackie (the principal) talks to Hannah about planning the service to commemorate the life of her daughter, who overdosed at age 18. And in perhaps the first legitimately authentic and moving moment of the season, Hannah tells Jackie that her mother went through the loss of a child as well. Hannah was six when her ten year old brother died. Ach, my heart hurts.
Smart and Dumber
Hannah gives June a simple instruction to the effect that she should set the table for dinner with plates and utensils. June doesn’t get it. Does Hannah mean knives? What means ‘table’? In her talking head, June begins, “I’m very….” and her voice trails off as she searches for the word. Finally, she gets it. “…smart,” she finishes, triumphantly.
Damn it, now June is being nice to Jackie and cries when she sees a picture of her with her late daughter. June shares that she lost her father suddenly when she was young. “It’s just not the same without your Dad,” she says, weeping. As someone who NEVER got over the death of my father, I’m going to give June a Below Deck Med Pass for the rest of the episode.
Nope, sorry. Pass revoked. June explains that she eventually gets stuff done, though it might take two hours or two days. This explains why she hasn’t turned down the beds in the cabins for the night. She’s going to get to that on Thursday.
Never Go to a Second Location
The guests want to go out AFTER dinner, which is a pain for everyone. It is also creepy because it involves getting on the tender in the dark in the inky black sea. I’m a huge Natalie Wood fan. Enough said, right? You just don’t do it. It’s as bad as going to a second location. Also, isn’t it kind of rude to jump ship and leave your host behind while she is getting ready for the lantern ceremony? The one to honor her daughter? Who died? What kind of broad totters off into the night to go bar-hopping during a memorial service?
Meanwhile, Jack was busy flirting with Aesha when Joao gave an order. Jack and Joao bicker like a couple of old fishwives. “It’s not a big deal,” says Jack. “It is a big deal,” says Joao. “It is a big deal it is a big deal it is a big deal…(your ad here)” Technically, morally, and legally Jack is wrong. But Joao is being such a prig I’m forced to slither over to Jack’s team.
Hannah’s been on duty for 17 consecutive hours (true fact) and now Jackie and guests are hammered and are investigating the Below Deck portion of the yacht (see what I did there?) Hannah manages to stop Jackie from plummeting down a small flight of stairs. Hannah is really showing her skills here. You know how it’s always so obvious how INCREDIBLY good Kate Chastain is at being Chief Stew? In this episode, I’m getting a glimpse of that in Hannah too. Grace under pressure.
The Extra E is for Extra Pee
The guests are de-boating (I’m making it a word) and Jackie is super effusive in her praise. The Below Deck Med crew isn’t just professional, they are NICE. I would have to agree. Then Jackie continues to talk for a very long time. She seems like a very lonely person. Jackie’s tip is genuinely underwhelming. I was sure it would be extravagant.
Joao goes to Captain Sandy to complain about his deck crew. After he leaves the wheelhouse, Captain Sandy makes this face:
Jackie’s tip is genuinely underwhelming. I was sure it would be extravagant. Everyone gets dolled up to go out. At the restaurant, Hannah goes all Mike Wallace on June. “So do you have a boyfriend? DO you?”
June is zooming from coy to irritated to melancholy to disdainful. Now she’s running off to vomit. Did everyone notice that in the bathroom she rushes into, she is barfing into a garbage can next to a guy who is URINATING?
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap: Jack and Aesha have their night out on the town; a big time baseball player is the primary; the boat breaks again and Captain Sandy is cracking deckie heads.