by Dalai Mama
The Below Deck Med Recap is relieved to announce that the Great Cutlery Conundrum of 2019 is over. The guests have their sky picnic with miracle forks and knives. As the world’s eyes turn to June, she bleats her innocence with more vocal fry than Lindsey Lohan on Oprah. Production helpfully Ramona-Singers the statement by flashing a shot of the bag of plastic silverware lying where June left it in the galley.
Aesha politely smiles as Jackie the primary drops 30 large on a blue chunky necklace. “When I was growing up, we couldn’t even afford cheese,” she tells us. When the time comes to carry everything back down, June simpers and whimpers the whole way.
Work Ethics for Dummies
Down in the galley, the galley so low, hang your head over, and hear Anastasia complain about preparing sea urchin. She says it looks like a testicle with spikes coming out of it. While Anastasia worries, Jack continues to research his upcoming dissertation on the importance of cultivating a work ethic.
June flies into a sedated stoner rage on learning Hannah is giving her a one-hour break. She wants MORE. “Gosh durn it,” she mewls. “I was up with the chickens, and hand milked every sea cow in the Med. This is bogus.” Or something along those lines.
Jack cheerfully says, “Ima da way bloopnose windy yada splape bob”, which Joao’s Universal Translator converts into the King’s English. Now Joao is mad. In fact, Joao is as mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore. “Nothing I can do,” Hannah tells him. So Joao IS going to take it anymore. He slinks off to the galley to work on his Clint Eastwood face.
The Unsinkable Aesha
June has opted out of the “waking up” portion of her nap, and snoozes blissfully as Hannah repeatedly calls her name over the radio. In another score for editors across the world, the cameras catch Hannah telling the unsinkable Aesha that she can have an hour break. Aesha squeals with gratitude, which is very sweet, and throws sea shade all over the slumbering newbie.
Travis and June are hitting it off like Howard Stern and Margaret Thatcher at a beer pong festival.
Hannah is so much nicer this season. I think she’s the kind of person who is just better when she has a reliable stew-friend and no boy problems.
Here is the part I’m dreading – Jackie (the principal) talks to Hannah about planning the service to commemorate the life of her daughter, who overdosed at age 18. And in perhaps the first legitimately authentic and moving moment of the season, Hannah tells Jackie that her mother went through the loss of a child as well. Hannah was six when her ten year old brother died. Ach, my heart hurts.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
Smart and Dumber
Hannah gives June a simple instruction to the effect that she should set the table for dinner with plates and utensils. June doesn’t get it. Does Hannah mean knives? What means ‘table’? In her talking head, June begins, “I’m very….” and her voice trails off as she searches for the word. Finally, she gets it. “…smart,” she finishes, triumphantly.
Damn it, now June is being nice to Jackie and cries when she sees a picture of her with her late daughter. June shares that she lost her father suddenly when she was young. “It’s just not the same without your Dad,” she says, weeping. As someone who NEVER got over the death of my father, I’m going to give June a Below Deck Med Pass for the rest of the episode.
Nope, sorry. Pass revoked. June explains that she eventually gets stuff done, though it might take two hours or two days. This explains why she hasn’t turned down the beds in the cabins for the night. She’s going to get to that on Thursday.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
Never Go to a Second Location
The guests want to go out AFTER dinner, which is a pain for everyone. It is also creepy because it involves getting on the tender in the dark in the inky black sea. I’m a huge Natalie Wood fan. Enough said, right? You just don’t do it. It’s as bad as going to a second location. Also, isn’t it kind of rude to jump ship and leave your host behind while she is getting ready for the lantern ceremony? The one to honor her daughter? Who died? What kind of broad totters off into the night to go bar-hopping during a memorial service?
Meanwhile, Jack was busy flirting with Aesha when Joao gave an order. Jack and Joao bicker like a couple of old fishwives. “It’s not a big deal,” says Jack. “It is a big deal,” says Joao. “It is a big deal it is a big deal it is a big deal…(your ad here)” Technically, morally, and legally Jack is wrong. But Joao is being such a prig I’m forced to slither over to Jack’s team.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
Hannah’s been on duty for 17 consecutive hours (true fact) and now Jackie and guests are hammered and are investigating the Below Deck portion of the yacht (see what I did there?) Hannah manages to stop Jackie from plummeting down a small flight of stairs. Hannah is really showing her skills here. You know how it’s always so obvious how INCREDIBLY good Kate Chastain is at being Chief Stew? In this episode, I’m getting a glimpse of that in Hannah too. Grace under pressure.
The Extra E is for Extra Pee
The guests are de-boating (I’m making it a word) and Jackie is super effusive in her praise. The Below Deck Med crew isn’t just professional, they are NICE. I would have to agree. Then Jackie continues to talk for a very long time. She seems like a very lonely person. Jackie’s tip is genuinely underwhelming. I was sure it would be extravagant.
Joao goes to Captain Sandy to complain about his deck crew. After he leaves the wheelhouse, Captain Sandy makes this face:
Jackie’s tip is genuinely underwhelming. I was sure it would be extravagant. Everyone gets dolled up to go out. At the restaurant, Hannah goes all Mike Wallace on June. “So do you have a boyfriend? DO you?”
June is zooming from coy to irritated to melancholy to disdainful. Now she’s running off to vomit. Did everyone notice that in the bathroom she rushes into, she is barfing into a garbage can next to a guy who is URINATING?
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap: Jack and Aesha have their night out on the town; a big time baseball player is the primary; the boat breaks again and Captain Sandy is cracking deckie heads.
D. Mama – your recaps are GREAT!
Aw, thank you Shredder J!
So agree. And I absolutely did not see that guy in the bathroom. Gross
Poor kid guess she really had to puke lol what she have one drink ?
I completely missed it too. So grateful for Dalai Mama’s keen powers of observation.
Another great recap Mama ! Just watched this episode on DVR loved it ! I got a serious crush on Trevor hope he & Hannah become more than friends. He is sweet funny & man enough to tame the wild shrew. Just kidding I am extremely fond of Hannah rough around the edges but I believe she has a heart of gold. Would love to see her fall in love. Her backstory of losing her brother followed by parents divorce makes me see her in such a different light. Hurt people hurt people. I hope she & Trevor become sweethearts # hopeless romantic I am
Hannah is doing very well this season. I’m glad to see her becoming more authentic.
I am so over Jack, throw his ass overboard, get it over with and just pitch him over.
I agree, I’m absolutely sick of him. I feel like he must be a production plant, surely the crew would be mutinous that he is getting the same tip as them?
Another very entertaining recap. I would have felt a little more sympathy for Hannah had she not been able to spend several hours splashing around in the sun & surf. The crew that had to climb up to Eze carrying all kind of picnic gear really earned their pay. With the way Jackie went on and on about the tip, I think she thought what she gave them was a great tip. It wasn’t. I hadn’t noticed the guy taking a whiz in the bathroom June ran into, so (Tamara) thanks for the photographic evidence. That’s hilarious. I wonder if she’s pregnant and that’s why she hesitates every time someone asks her if she has a boyfriend.
But then Hannah had to stay up listening to Jackie repeat the same story about Mars being in the sky until what… 5 AM? And she didn’t push Jackie overboard! She gave her stews triple the amount of break time they usually get (itsn’t it usually 20 minutes?)
And ooooooh…. pregnant. Interesting theory!
(I also didn’t see the dude at the urinal. She’s lucky he didn’t turn around in surprise mid-pee.
@Erica That would have been epic!
Oooh I am intrigued by this pregnant June theory. But was she drinking? I thought they said she had one drink. I could be wrong. And this could just be the first sign she has of being pregnant. Where do you get a pregnancy test in the south of France?
does anyone else think that June is on something? she seems….
Xanax, with some alcohol.
I think she is…something is Definitely off with her…
savvanhsmiles, YES! About June being majorly checked out.
Perhaps I’m way off base here, but I was wondering if if June was being so wistfully ellusive about the question was due to it being a Lala-esque situation.
” What kind of broad totters off into the night to go bar-hopping during a memorial service?”
This broad. The nightlife of MONACO or idiotic rich people tossing fire into the sea rather than wait for the heat and breeze to life it up while crying over their dead daughter who died years ago? You bet this broad is going to swim to shore to avoid that if necessary.
Well, if we’re being honest, prolly this broad too. Or if I grew insufficiently resolute to summon the chutzpah, I’d stash Uncle Tito in the ladies room. I just wouldn’t do it on teevee, which is just as well, because nobody wants to see THAT.
Who leaves a memorial service to bar hot? Ramona Singer
@GertieKat Mwahaha, she certainly does. Oh Ramona.
I am totally on Joao’s side about Jack. If his job was to complain and do as little as possible he would be employee of the month. My 20 year old daughter, whose life is all about going out right now, was appalled that the ladies were leaving during the memorial service. Jackie seems very real and genuine but sad as well.
Brilliant recap, as usual. Always look forward to them, even more so than the episode?
Thanks, Tash!
Aesha is quickly moving to my favorite stew list. She has such a great attitude and work ethic that I can overlook the nsfw stuff she says. However her nsfw is clearly different than mine.
The bailing on the primary’s memorial ceremony initially got me seized up but then I had to be honest with myself. I would have fled as well. So I shut my judgy pie hole.
Hannah has really grown as a chief stew this season and I’m glad because I always liked her, just thought she might want to reevaluate some of her choices.
Great recap and thanks for the pic of June throwing up next to the dude. Never saw him as we were too busy arguing over her condition. 50/50 on pregnant or bulimic. I swear she’s high af but then I would have to give up my pregnancy vote. Hmmm.
Good heavens, Jackie S! What a cheapass tip! Great re-cap, DMama 🙂 I think June is either on something or suffering some kind of mental trauma that I can’t define. Jack is so goofy and base, I’d love to see him go. Poor Joao has been trying to be a better person and Jack is just not helping.
Jackie thought by praising the crew it would compensate for her tip.
I would have respectfully stayed for the first balloon thingie, silently fuming about how dangerous they can be, and then I too would have hopped that tender fast.
I don’t understand why production filmed June when she first came aboard like she was a past crew member. Poor girl is not too bright, hopefully she gets better.
Great recap as always.
I know this not a popular opinion but whenever I see Jack I can’t stop cracking up. Maybe it’s his accent or his attractive hair, but I find him charming.
I know he seems like a slacker but I think Joao would get more if him if he managed him to his stregnths, rather than unilaterally like the rest of the team. I recall Travis alluding to how they are somilar and if Joao wanted to get the best of Jack, he has to speak to him differently.
I’m curious to see how long June lasts before Anastasia is demoted back to third stew. UNLESS Travis is fired and June joins the deck crew. Hmmmm….
Nooo! Not Travis, June could possibly replace JACK as a deckhand. I’ve got Travis in the brain because I’m crushing on him real hard.
I think Jack has always been exactly the way he is on the yacht. I suspect he’s always gotten by with charm and jokes, while at the same time being continually insubordinate. Employees like him never want to accept what they see as orders, want to do things their way, and refuse to accept criticism without throwing things back in their supervisor’s face. When Joao told him he was lacking a good work ethic, he immediately retorted that it was Joao’s fault for not training and inspiring him properly. Joao could compliment and inspire him till the cows come home, but it wouldn’t change Jack’s underlying personality. He should be fired for his laziness, constant complaining and failure to follow instructions. Maybe that’ll teach him a lesson.
As for Jackie Siegel, I feel really sorry for her with the loss of her daughter, but I think she’s a woman who’s completely out of touch with everyday life as most people live it. She flits through life with her head in the clouds, not realizing what a shallow existence she really has, plus she’s so damned self-satisfied all the time. That tip was almost an insult considering the amount of work she put the crew through, they should have got that just for carting everything up all those stairs to the top of Eze. I’m actually surprised Captain Sandy went along with that. I would think there are some circumstances where she just has to tell guests that, due to the logistics involved, some things just can’t be done. It’s not fair to the crew to make them go through all that.
I also didn’t think it was cool for Captain Sandy to let the remaining crew play all day, under the guise of training, when the other crew members were practically killing themselves indulging a rich woman’s whim. Not good judgment on her part, although, in her defense, maybe it was Joao’s failure to take two more members of the deck crew with him, as someone else (can’t remember who), said.
I’m really enjoying Hannah this season. She seems to be somehow at peace with herself and it’s nice to see. Actually, I like the whole crew, with the exception of Frank.
Thanks for the great recap, DalaiMama. As usual, you surpassed yourself, and threw in a few really good chuckles at the same time. You spot things that go completely over my head.
Um, who’s Frank?
Sorry, of course I meant Jack. Thanks for catching that.
@EnglishRose, when I typed this recap, I called June “Brooke” every. Single. Time. Hopefully I fixed them all.
“Ima da way bloopnose windy yada splape bob”…
Cant. Stop. Laughing.
Cartoon Jack is Joao’s karma for Conrad. At least Jack is amusing, Joao was just arrogant when he was in the same situation. Great recaps as always.
I love your comparison to Conrad, and that it is Joao’s karma! So true!!
“What kind of broad totters off into the night to go bar-hopping during a memorial service?” This recap is High-LARIOUS! Love you Dali. (Given the circumstances, I would also totter off into the night.)
They were a stones throw from Monaco! I’d have tottered off too! Those lamps should be illegal, there are thin metal wires in them, not fun stepping on at the beach or getting wrapped around props etc.
Your recaps Dalia Mama are definitely a reading pleasure!
Thanks, y’all!
So psychopathic and narcissistic to spend 30k on yourself and give crap tip to the crew who worked so hard for her. Queen Jackie Seigel is so self absorbed. I hope she can find a way to be a better person. Giving a crew member gold filled cheep ring while spending ton of money on herself sums her up. So sad.