by Dalai Mama
Your Below Deck Med Recap awaits you. As we join our friends they are still out clubbing. Joao is marinating himself in tequila after biting Anastasia’s head off. The gang hits the dance floor and many Elaine From Seinfeld spastic dance moves occur. Travis snogs Hannah, while Aesha bumps and grinds like it’s 1999. The New Old Joao observes Aesha’s moves with a prim sneer of disdain, and loudly informs her, “You are so whorish it’s disgusting”. A comment so hateful I’m ready to pop that boy in the weener.
Outside the club, Aesha is rightly upset. As a result, Joao starts auditioning for the role of Stupid Privileged Drunk White Guy. His head is kind of bobbling heavily around in a signature drunken motion that my ex, the Dalai Papa, used to call Bowling Ball Head.
Question: what’s the weirdest/most irritating thing your significant other or ex does when they’ve had a few too many?
Brightly and early in the a.m., Joao asks Colin to provide him the instant replay last night, as he cannot remember a gosh darn thing.
Joao then has a spontaneous moment of enlightenment and remembers the vile thing he said. “Aesha wasn’t too charmed with me,” he declares, wizened old sage that he is. Yeah, because you slut-shamed her! And as if to prove that the Real Joao is back, he drops this delightful bit of self-rumination, “I judged her slut droppings.” So calling the girl a whore for DANCING isn’t bad enough, Joao’s now got to throw feces into the mix.
New Stew Alert
Joao then gives a little speech in his talking head. I’ll translate it. “I’m reeeeeallly bummed, because I spent 10k on a Likeability Coach and was really kicking ass at faking the nice thing. Word on the street is even Dalai Mama, that whoreish old Buddhist, had bought into my act. Then I got shit-faced last night and blew a year’s work in 20 minutes.”
The deckies are a bit slow to get out of bed (except for Colin). Joao refuses to prosecute. “I can’t come down with an iron fist if I’m not leading by example,” he minces. You can’t come down with an iron fist because you’re a sea slug, Joao. And sea slugs DON’T HAVE HANDS.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
New Stew Alert! Aaaand, she’s fine-featured with long straight blonde hair. Just as I’ve learned to distinguish Aesha from Anastasia, and Hannah from both of them. The era of the Stew Quadruplets has begun.
Cock and Ball Doodles Doo
New Stew brags and whines in the same sentence, and I hate her on sight. Apparently she has a name, which is June, and she’ll be bunking with Aesha, who god love her, hasn’t removed her doodles of cocks and balls currently festooning the cabin.
And the new guests arrive. There is the infamous Jackie, Queen of Versailles – so called for her voracious appetite for all things luxurious, edible and inedible. But wait, they are having a celebration of life ceremony planned for her daughter Victoria? Oh God, I’m hoping this isn’t what I think it is, so I Google. Jesus. She died of a drug overdose at age 18 four years ago. I can’t handle it. No daughters can ever die. No.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
Jackie very politely asks if they are supposed to unpack themselves. Of course not! Take that, Ramona Singer. A polite rich lady who makes no demands.
Anastasia has stressed over food shopping and is preparing her first meal as Official Sirocco Chef. Hannah says she hopes the promotion doesn’t go to her head. Jack works tirelessly as the ship’s official calamari taster (which we add to his duties of mattress tester, cigarette smoker, and lurker.) Now the deckies are charged with getting the usual toys in the water. They mill about like a bunch of Starfleet cadets.
Ballad of the Mint Jelly
Hannah informs Anastasia that Jackie has requested that mint jelly be served with the lamb at dinner. Anastasia looks alarmingly blank. “I don’t know how to make mint jelly!” she cries. I mean, don’t you just smoosh the mint into the jelly? Or have a jar of Smuckers air-lifted in? Come on, people. It’s not rocket science.
June and Anastasia chat a little in the galley. June has lived all over the country because her father was…a chef! A HA! I smell a plot twist coming, and I LIKE it.
Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps
Above deck, the boys mull over the newest toys – specially requested by Jackie. To wit: two inflatable sex dolls. Meanwhile, Jack and Travis secretly plot to organize a double date with Aesha and Hannah.
Dinner is served. Jackie does NOT get her mint jelly. She blinks graciously, then says the yogurt sauce Anastasia made instead “probably really IS better than the mint jelly.” Life is good when rich people are nice. Next comes the birthday cake for Jackie’s stepson, and the two inflatable sex dolls, one of which is only about three feet long, which is just creepy.
Double Dategate
Jack and Travis summon Aesha and Hannah to the wheelhouse to ask the girls on the double date. For the first time in recorded history, Jack is frakkin’ adorable. Everyone is giggling and blushing. And both girls say yes! Cute overload alert on the Below Deck Med Recap! June, left alone in the galley with the dishes, clears every scrap of leftover cake from the plates and scrapes it all…into her mouth. Hmmm.
Interesting factoid: apparently Jackie invented the fanny pack. Okay. I’m good with that.
June is mumbling and vocal-frying something about packing the picnic for the guests’ trip to Eze. Hannah says there is something strange about June’s energy. I must concur. She seems unable to open her eyes fully when she talks, for example. Which is weird. And now the guests want to leave for shore an hour early. Mild panic ensues.
Colin, Joao, Aesha and June haul everything the guests need for their picnic up a thousand steps to the pinnacle of Eze. Everything but…the cutlery. June immediately disavows all knowledge of and responsibility for said cutlery. We see a quick shot of the knifes and forks in the galley where June had been sitting. A culinary crisis appears to be looming.
On next week’s Below Deck Med Recap: Joao and Jack almost come to blows, June crawls into her bunk and refuses to answer her radio, Aesha gets some bad news from home, and Anastasia serves a dish the guests describe as tasting like “a nursing baby’s poop”.
I love Jackie and follow her on Instagram.
Yes, really tragic about her daughter. Unfortunately due to where I live and the insane amount of rehabs and halfway houses, drug ODs are a way of life here.
It’s heartbreaking.
Another great recap. First things first, the thing my ex does when he drinks too much is get into fights which leads to him getting arrested. Dodged a bullet with that one. Did I miss something or is this the first time that Captain Sandy let the crew (the ones who weren’t climbing a thousand steps) change into swimsuits and splash the day away? She said she always tries to do that every charter season, but I don’t remember that ever happening. I was disappointed in Travis last night. Siding with lazy Jack doesn’t sit right with me. The new stew (thank you for mentioning her name because I totally forgot it shortly after they introduced her), has something strange going on. Things look like they’re going to get very interesting.
Watching this season and loving it 😉
???? BOWLING BALL HEAD!!!!???? Pure Genius!!!
There was a great voice that went along with it. Kind of like a pirate on downers.
June is definitely smoking the ganja!
I concur
Me too. June eating cake with a fork in one hand, her other hand supporting each bite on the fork to get (shovel) the cake to her mouth. Munchies much?
Great recap. First, my husband drops food directly off his fork (with a few scraps actually making it into his mouth) all over the floor and then stumbles off to bed leaving a mess for me to clean up. Meanwhile, I keep remembering Sandy saying “your position is redundant” and wondering who she is talking to. Will June become the deckhand since Travis is in the kitchen and she’s talking to Jack? Does the current chef (can’t remember her name) got back to 3rd stew and Ben takes over? Did Hannah seem jealous of June or was it just me? And why didn’t she take her around and show her the boat. They just left her on her own. Not cool. Nobody barely acknowledged her presence except for Colin. It was very strange.
I can’t stop visualizing this (the food dropping directly off the fork).
Dude turned into a douche when he realized even the guy that won’t work is more attractive to the girls than he is. Last year he was stud muffin with the two girls and this year he is Unfuckable. So if they won’t do him then they are whores and sluts. I don’t know if I would want to work WITH Jack, yet I do enjoy him knowing EXACTLY what he is doing when he winds up Joao.
One of the main things I liked about the Below Deck franchise was that it was more authentic, less production mess, verified by CAPT. LEE. Not this season. The contrived chef mess was ridiculous. Maybe Sandy’s friends got a HUGE discount for playing along. NO F’ING WAY would Sandy have risked making some gal who had dabbled in chiefdom the permanent chef. Note that none of the competent chefs have had a sous. This setup is almost as bad as the “surprise” Ashley appearance on Southern Charm.
The new stew bugs me already. Her facial mannerisms remind me of a cross between a ventriloquist and the marionette. Shifty eyes squinted and frozen Mona Lisa mouth — something is not right. The cake scarfing was classic. Did she puke afterward, I wonder. I hope I am wrong and she isn’t another drama setup storyline.
Great recap- I’m trying to recall the scenes of Anastasia cooking and I can only remember seeing her chop, dice, mix and plate the meals. I don’t think we have seen her actually cook like we have seen Ben do in past seasons. Could production have a “real” chef making the meals and using Anastasia as the chef for a story line. I guess that would be hard to do with the constant filming but they can do wonders with editing. I’m probably completely off base but with all the stories about reality shows being driven by production I guess my opinion is tainted. I don’t doubt Anastasia is a great chef I’m just thinking, for those of you that remember, it’s a Milli Vanilli situation.
She has been shown several times making cakes. If anything she knows how to bake.
I love Travis, Jack & Aesha. They’re hilarious and are making this season fantastic.
Travis has a healthy perspective on things and I really like that he’s not hung up on titles. When he said Joao was trying to make people feel inferior, while he’s a deck hand I fell on love wirh Travis.
June’s habit of looking down when she speaks reminded of Rocky looking up in a corner duringbher confessionals.
This show and Potomac are giving me life!
I’m going to replace my standard response of throat punching with “punch him in the weener”. Many thanks for THAT Dalai Lama. I really enjoy how you turn a phrase.
I can’t begin to list my SO’s annoying behaviors while drunk or I’ll punch him in the weener.
The very few times my husband gets drunk, he would projectile vomit (like the guy eating cherry pie in the movie Stand By Me) on the walls by or over the toilet. Never in the toilet. That is NOT a job I clean up. So gross.
I was wondering how long it was going to take for the real Joao to return.
Also I saw a documentary couple of years ago about Jackie and her family and how they couldn’t finish the Versailles home because they were broke. I am wondering did they regain their wealth or is she a “plant” for the show.
That cake looked amazing, I just wanted to face plant into it.
I think June looks just like Heidi from The Hills. The binge eating scene was uncomfortable
Catching up on episodes and recaps – such fun! Joao was being an ass, but I do understand him being frustrated that Anastasia took the chef job, and then complained about it, when her deciding to do that meant that the deck crew wouldn’t be able to rely on Travis. Her choice has consequences for the whole boat. Still, he didn’t have to be awful about it!
Queen Jackie’s husband recovered from the real estate crash and they are back on track with the enormous house 🙂
My guess is that June is seeing/dating an ex of Hannah’s.
Ah ha! Good guess!
I was disappointed with the episode. The Queen of V didn’t say please or thank you for anything. I always notice that. Travis & Hannah is something I am looking forward too. Both seem uninhibited so its going to be a wild ride. New stew is probably going to follow the hire a emotionally unstable person & let her implode production scheme. I don’t watch these shows to see people suffer thru issues ( no disrespect we all have our own demons ) that should not be televised. I still remember Irene from the Real World on MTV & her sad collapse.
marc, people were saying how polite she was. Like saying “am I supposed to unpack my own bags” is polite, but the expectation is there for people scurrying. Anyone who has done any service notices the please and thank yous. And last week we saw them, even if people were ragging on them. They were always nice to service people.
I couldn’t place it until the very end of the episode, but it was driving me crazy that June reminded me so strikingly of someone.
It finally came to me that it’s Patrica Arquette. June is a bit younger and probably less curvy, but I think they could be sisters.
Ugh I can’t stand that Jackie woman, all that money her husband made from ripping people off with his timeshare business, and she wastes it all on complete tat. Her clothes are tacky, her jewelry is tacky, that house was beyond tacky. And her ‘friends’ seemed to have a much better time when she wasn’t there. Gross.
How does Jackie know what baby poo taste like? Yuck.
Funny how she has to put herself in every scene. Where ever the camera is she just happens to pop it and open her mouth with some goofy comment ‘I started the fanny pack trend’.
As far as being a ‘queen’ goes….Watch The Queen of Versailles and make your own decision.
#reprehensible