by Dalai Mama
Your Below Deck Med Recap awaits you. As we join our friends they are still out clubbing. Joao is marinating himself in tequila after biting Anastasia’s head off. The gang hits the dance floor and many Elaine From Seinfeld spastic dance moves occur. Travis snogs Hannah, while Aesha bumps and grinds like it’s 1999. The New Old Joao observes Aesha’s moves with a prim sneer of disdain, and loudly informs her, “You are so whorish it’s disgusting”. A comment so hateful I’m ready to pop that boy in the weener.
Outside the club, Aesha is rightly upset. As a result, Joao starts auditioning for the role of Stupid Privileged Drunk White Guy. His head is kind of bobbling heavily around in a signature drunken motion that my ex, the Dalai Papa, used to call Bowling Ball Head.
Question: what’s the weirdest/most irritating thing your significant other or ex does when they’ve had a few too many?
Brightly and early in the a.m., Joao asks Colin to provide him the instant replay last night, as he cannot remember a gosh darn thing.
Joao then has a spontaneous moment of enlightenment and remembers the vile thing he said. “Aesha wasn’t too charmed with me,” he declares, wizened old sage that he is. Yeah, because you slut-shamed her! And as if to prove that the Real Joao is back, he drops this delightful bit of self-rumination, “I judged her slut droppings.” So calling the girl a whore for DANCING isn’t bad enough, Joao’s now got to throw feces into the mix.
New Stew Alert
Joao then gives a little speech in his talking head. I’ll translate it. “I’m reeeeeallly bummed, because I spent 10k on a Likeability Coach and was really kicking ass at faking the nice thing. Word on the street is even Dalai Mama, that whoreish old Buddhist, had bought into my act. Then I got shit-faced last night and blew a year’s work in 20 minutes.”
The deckies are a bit slow to get out of bed (except for Colin). Joao refuses to prosecute. “I can’t come down with an iron fist if I’m not leading by example,” he minces. You can’t come down with an iron fist because you’re a sea slug, Joao. And sea slugs DON’T HAVE HANDS.
New Stew Alert! Aaaand, she’s fine-featured with long straight blonde hair. Just as I’ve learned to distinguish Aesha from Anastasia, and Hannah from both of them. The era of the Stew Quadruplets has begun.
Cock and Ball Doodles Doo
New Stew brags and whines in the same sentence, and I hate her on sight. Apparently she has a name, which is June, and she’ll be bunking with Aesha, who god love her, hasn’t removed her doodles of cocks and balls currently festooning the cabin.
And the new guests arrive. There is the infamous Jackie, Queen of Versailles – so called for her voracious appetite for all things luxurious, edible and inedible. But wait, they are having a celebration of life ceremony planned for her daughter Victoria? Oh God, I’m hoping this isn’t what I think it is, so I Google. Jesus. She died of a drug overdose at age 18 four years ago. I can’t handle it. No daughters can ever die. No.
Jackie very politely asks if they are supposed to unpack themselves. Of course not! Take that, Ramona Singer. A polite rich lady who makes no demands.
Anastasia has stressed over food shopping and is preparing her first meal as Official Sirocco Chef. Hannah says she hopes the promotion doesn’t go to her head. Jack works tirelessly as the ship’s official calamari taster (which we add to his duties of mattress tester, cigarette smoker, and lurker.) Now the deckies are charged with getting the usual toys in the water. They mill about like a bunch of Starfleet cadets.
Ballad of the Mint Jelly
Hannah informs Anastasia that Jackie has requested that mint jelly be served with the lamb at dinner. Anastasia looks alarmingly blank. “I don’t know how to make mint jelly!” she cries. I mean, don’t you just smoosh the mint into the jelly? Or have a jar of Smuckers air-lifted in? Come on, people. It’s not rocket science.
June and Anastasia chat a little in the galley. June has lived all over the country because her father was…a chef! A HA! I smell a plot twist coming, and I LIKE it.
Above deck, the boys mull over the newest toys – specially requested by Jackie. To wit: two inflatable sex dolls. Meanwhile, Jack and Travis secretly plot to organize a double date with Aesha and Hannah.
Dinner is served. Jackie does NOT get her mint jelly. She blinks graciously, then says the yogurt sauce Anastasia made instead “probably really IS better than the mint jelly.” Life is good when rich people are nice. Next comes the birthday cake for Jackie’s stepson, and the two inflatable sex dolls, one of which is only about three feet long, which is just creepy.
Jack and Travis summon Aesha and Hannah to the wheelhouse to ask the girls on the double date. For the first time in recorded history, Jack is frakkin’ adorable. Everyone is giggling and blushing. And both girls say yes! Cute overload alert on the Below Deck Med Recap! June, left alone in the galley with the dishes, clears every scrap of leftover cake from the plates and scrapes it all…into her mouth. Hmmm.
Interesting factoid: apparently Jackie invented the fanny pack. Okay. I’m good with that.
June is mumbling and vocal-frying something about packing the picnic for the guests’ trip to Eze. Hannah says there is something strange about June’s energy. I must concur. She seems unable to open her eyes fully when she talks, for example. Which is weird. And now the guests want to leave for shore an hour early. Mild panic ensues.
Colin, Joao, Aesha and June haul everything the guests need for their picnic up a thousand steps to the pinnacle of Eze. Everything but…the cutlery. June immediately disavows all knowledge of and responsibility for said cutlery. We see a quick shot of the knifes and forks in the galley where June had been sitting. A culinary crisis appears to be looming.
On next week’s Below Deck Med Recap: Joao and Jack almost come to blows, June crawls into her bunk and refuses to answer her radio, Aesha gets some bad news from home, and Anastasia serves a dish the guests describe as tasting like “a nursing baby’s poop”.