by Dalai Mama
Welcome to your Below Deck Med Recap of the week. We open with menacing music. Colin has broken the boat, or at least the anchor. Sandy says “we have a situation”. Jack exults in the fact that his invertebrate work ethic had him goofing off at the time. Therefore he cannot be blamed. Joao comes zooming onto the deck. He calls out, “What’s happening Broby?” And though I hate to admit it, Reader, I looked it up. A Broby is your bro who is so close he is also your baby. Damn it Joao, stop making me love you!
Colin is in TRUHble. He has gotten the anchor all farkakte. The Brobies try to fix the boat. Meanwhile, Travis helps make sandwiches. He’s like that guy from Wild Kingdom who was always making sandwiches during the dangerous shoots. Joao is being all studly and sorting out the broken boat. So I guess there are two anchors and they got twisted around each other. Wouldn’t that sort of be partly Sandy’s fault?
There’s the young guest, Ashley, the Trust Fund Dreadlock Girl. She is happily cycling over the waves with the gusto and moxie that only the one percent can experience. Travis and Hannah are obliviously flirting in the gallery. But then Hannah has a flashback to what’s his name, Gonad or Conman or whoever he was. Therefore she declares herself off limits. Meanwhile, on the lido deck, Jack attaches the swim slide to the boat with nothing but two inches of scotch tape and a wad of gum. Joao is not pleased. Jack falls into bed, exhausted. “I take me time,” he simpers. “What the rush? The world’s going nowhere.” Certainly not a world with YOU in it.
InstaChef
Sandy is surfing Cheflist and Chefbook and InstaChef, apparently without luck. Anastasia continues to rock it in the kitchen while simultaneously being smug and unlikable. But she Facetimes her Mom for icing advice, and Mamachka is kind of adorable. Travis is suffering from post sandwich-making stress disorder. Jack declares that he only has one life, and his life approach is, “may as well push it, see what ya can get away with.” Can we vent him into open space, or does that only happen on Star Trek?
Joao gripes to Colin about Jack. Sigh. Is it me? Is this writer’s block? Or are we approaching 28 minutes of basically nothing happening to uninteresting people? I feel like I’m watching a sloth on ludes play solitaire. Aesha swoops into the galley looking for people to please, like a human vibrator.
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Ashley’s video director is directing the crew AND Sandy in a dance. Colin, Destroyer of Anchors, has some pointers for her. I guess he’s the expert on making a big splash now.
Kvelling and Plotzing
Everyone has gone AWOL, and all radios are mysteriously off. I’m concerned the producers have exceeded their quota of Obviously Scripted Drama. With no one answering the call, Sandy has to help serve dinner. The guests are kvelling over the food. Well, they’re either kvelling or plotzing. Possibly both. Travis’ stock plummets as he indulges in a spirited conversation about boobs and motor-boating with Jack. Ashley is being super polite and gracious AGAIN, which once again makes it difficult for me to dislike her. All of the rich people are being very polite and gracious. Okay. I’m going to sulk for a while.
It’s the last day of charter. Travis and Jack are bonding. Joao and Hannah continue to each do the job of several people. It’s like Hannah has actually become the highly efficient doer of all jobs she believed she was last season. Jack and Travis continue to complain to one another in a peculiar budding bromance that I do not like one bit. I presume somewhere in the aft galley, Aesha is spreading the love, or tackling the difficult work of being a Fart Coach.
Here’s a Chunker For Ya
Hannah can’t find her epaulets, so she suggests the crew do their goodbye to the guests in their AB shirts they had made for Ashley. Sandy loves the idea, so score some points to Hannah for thinking on her aching feet. The guests are huggers, so it’s taking a while. They are effusive with their praise and thanks, and the primary hands Sandy a “chunker”, which is a big fat envelope. At least I hope that’s what it is.
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Tip Meeting!! The Veuve Clicquot, favorite champagne of the Dalai Mama, is poured. This is the part of doing the Below Deck Med Recap I like best. And the chunker is: 27 thousand beans! This sets the record the biggest tip in Below Deck Med history.
Sandy summons Anastasia to the Gilligan Room. She has a new chef ready to go, she says. Wait, really? Who is it? She’s softening the blow by being super complimentary of Anastasia’s work. She’d like to know if Anastasia would like to make it official, and become the Sirocco’s new chef. Boy howdy, that’s a big promotion! 
A Harbinger of Doom
So now they are looking for a third stew on Stewlist, Stewbook, and InstaStew. In her talking head, Hannah cheerfully talks about how they’ve never had a crew come together like this one has. Well, that’s a harbinger of doom if ever I’ve heard one. So the official announcement is made, and the new stew is…wait. What? Is Travis being made Third Stew?
Joao opens a can of whoop ass on Jack, who stares blankly and yawns. When chores are finally done, the crew goes out to spend a little jingle cake. In the car on the way there, Anastasia shows off her new authority by ordering that a Colin sandwich be made. Colin appears content with this addition to the menu.
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At dinner Anastasia starts getting a little too Norma Rae about her chefly purview, and Joao decides to take her down a peg. Now there’s the venomous, petty, spiteful boy I remember from last year.
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap: Joao tells Aesha she is whorish. Travis makes his move on Hannah. And the primary is Jackie from the documentary Queen of Versailles. I love that documentary!
This was a great episode. The charter guests were lovely. So well mannered polished & classy. Loved seeing the crew all love each other. So much better than the usual trashy Bravo fare. Look forward to the rest of the season. Great recap !
A sloth on ludes playing solitaire. Brillant.
Woah, really? Jackie from “Queen of Versailles” yay!
That documentary is so great. Queen Jackie should replace LVP on RHOBH ! Actually I think TT. & Banjo should take LVP’s spot & class up the franchise. I would be riveted to my television watching T.T. show the posers how to travel eat regional fare & be upright citizens of the U.S.A. Banjo could avenge the intolerant treatment Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy. Make much better television.
@marc I’m going to have to watch it again.
@Cheryl B. And I have a pretty high tolerance for things going sloooooow.
Great recap Mama! I love Hannah actually doing her job. They all did a great job except Jack the slack. I would like to tie him to the anchor. Anastasia made that tip so Joao needs to back off. Don’t eff with her chi because then you’re messing with everyone else’s money. Colin is adorbs. Aesha just keeps happily chirping along. Travis is meh to me.
@Navymommy Jack is utterly loathsome. What a toad.
This is very weird but I can only see the first paragraph. Anyone else having this issue?
Click on bottom of screen page 2 . I encountered the same thing. Mama’s full recap continues on page 2
I had the same problem. I went in to edit and notice that the page break tag was used instead of the read more tag. Fixed it.
This is why I love you sooooo much.
Laugh out loud recap Dalai…I write through a haze of laughter tears. Keep it coming.
Loving this season of BD Med!!!
Thanks for the wonderful recap T ?
I quite like your recaps and writing style, Dalai!
I love Dalai Mama’s BDM recaps! I feel like I’m reading an adult reality magazine written by Lemony Snicket/Dr. Seuss/ Roald Dahl!
Sometimes when I’m not facing the TV and I hear Anastasia’s voice, I think it’s Family Guy, her voice really reminds me of Mila Kunis/Meg Griffin. I could see her ego getting inflated by the promotion to chef a mile away! Joao seemed like a totally different person until he knocked Jack and Anastasia down a few pegs, I feel like he’s been trying to be too nice lately. It’s like Hannah and Joao were replaced by robot look-alikes this season, all this I’m getting model behavior and I’m getting testy for drama!
I can’t believe I’m liking Joao this season.
I hope that I am not proven wrong later, but I do not think that Anastasia is being cocky. I think that she’s freaking out because she understands the huge responsibilities that she has taken on. I believe that is what she was trying to express to Colin at dinner when Joao deemed himself Mr. Zagat. He should have been kissing her @ss, as SHE saved 2 charters by stepping in and will certainly be the make-or-beak factor moving forward as well. She showed everyone – most importantly herself – that she could do the job and I am proud of her, some stranger on TV. Impressive.
I really like this entire cast, although Jack the Invertebrate (thank you Dalai Mama for that!!!) gives me a ton of anxiety. Even the guests have all been surprisingly nice. Like our beloved DM, I really wanted to hate on Ashley but ended up liking her because she was super polite and seemed genuinely appreciative. I’m just sad now because Jezabob is slipping out (sans alcohol!!), just when I was loving the new and improved Joao. I’m not hypersensitive to discrimination against me as a female, but with the “whoreish” and other comments made make me wonder: Had it been TRAVIS who stepped in to help and then got offered the chef’s role, would Joao think that HE was being selfish and feeding HIS ego for accepting??? C’mon, Joao! Please stay sweet for us and give us hope that Choads CAN Change!!!
Just lovely guests with manners. It makes me want to download the song. Very generous with the tip too. Jack is so lazy but I kind of admire his honesty about his own slack bastard ways!
Also whilst Anastasia cooks nice food it is a bit homely, if you think about previous BD and BDM chefs. Especially compared to some of the food Adrian put up on the last session of BD, meatballs and burgers have their place but not really on a super yacht in the South of France
I don’t think we’ll EVER see another chef on TV as impressive as Adrian! (His food, of course. Not the rest of him.)
I really really wanted to hate that teenage trustfund pop star, but she was so well mannered! I have been highly skeptical of the reformed Joao. I think we’ll see a return to assholery before the end of charter. Below deck is definitely my fav bravo show. I think because they actually have to work its a lot more real than any of the other shows.
Does anyone understand the tip breakdown? They each received $2,330. Multiply by 8 and that is far less than the $27k they were given. Does the captain recieve a much larger amount? I don’t know why but I am curious.
Not sure if your figures are correct, but I believe it is currently split 11 ways, 1Captain, 4 deck guys, 3 interior ladies, 3 off camera guys intruduced in first episode(1st officer and engineers) with a chef it is split by twelve.
I am sure you are correct. I was only counting the 7 crew and captain that were at the table for the tip meeting. This is my first season watching the show so I did not even think about the other people. Thank You!
Does anyone know what the stews and deckhands make for their wages?
This recap was a delight, as always. Thank you DM.
Joao and Colin were cute on WWHL. When Joao was asked what made him change, he said watching himself on last season’s show. He said that he likely would have gone to Sandy about firing Jack, but he made them laugh so hard that he didn’t.
Joao was a jerk to A. She saved all their butts and made that tip. I think Joao is jealous of her stealing the spotlight and one of his crew. He doesn’t seem to like to help another just like Hannah. Joao was all happy to get his chance to prove he could be the top guy but when it comes to someone else getting a promotion he is jealous. Hannah is too. They don’t like when someone they were over is now equal to them especially a third stew. That is how they come across to me even though they were trying to hide it somewhat. The guests this time were nice and polite. I liked Colins dancing he was good. Sandy not so much.