by Dalai Mama
Welcome to your Below Deck Med Recap of the week. We open with menacing music. Colin has broken the boat, or at least the anchor. Sandy says “we have a situation”. Jack exults in the fact that his invertebrate work ethic had him goofing off at the time. Therefore he cannot be blamed. Joao comes zooming onto the deck. He calls out, “What’s happening Broby?” And though I hate to admit it, Reader, I looked it up. A Broby is your bro who is so close he is also your baby. Damn it Joao, stop making me love you!
Colin is in TRUHble. He has gotten the anchor all farkakte. The Brobies try to fix the boat. Meanwhile, Travis helps make sandwiches. He’s like that guy from Wild Kingdom who was always making sandwiches during the dangerous shoots. Joao is being all studly and sorting out the broken boat. So I guess there are two anchors and they got twisted around each other. Wouldn’t that sort of be partly Sandy’s fault?
There’s the young guest, Ashley, the Trust Fund Dreadlock Girl. She is happily cycling over the waves with the gusto and moxie that only the one percent can experience. Travis and Hannah are obliviously flirting in the gallery. But then Hannah has a flashback to what’s his name, Gonad or Conman or whoever he was. Therefore she declares herself off limits. Meanwhile, on the lido deck, Jack attaches the swim slide to the boat with nothing but two inches of scotch tape and a wad of gum. Joao is not pleased. Jack falls into bed, exhausted. “I take me time,” he simpers. “What the rush? The world’s going nowhere.” Certainly not a world with YOU in it.
Sandy is surfing Cheflist and Chefbook and InstaChef, apparently without luck. Anastasia continues to rock it in the kitchen while simultaneously being smug and unlikable. But she Facetimes her Mom for icing advice, and Mamachka is kind of adorable. Travis is suffering from post sandwich-making stress disorder. Jack declares that he only has one life, and his life approach is, “may as well push it, see what ya can get away with.” Can we vent him into open space, or does that only happen on Star Trek?
Joao gripes to Colin about Jack. Sigh. Is it me? Is this writer’s block? Or are we approaching 28 minutes of basically nothing happening to uninteresting people? I feel like I’m watching a sloth on ludes play solitaire. Aesha swoops into the galley looking for people to please, like a human vibrator.
Ashley’s video director is directing the crew AND Sandy in a dance. Colin, Destroyer of Anchors, has some pointers for her. I guess he’s the expert on making a big splash now.
Kvelling and Plotzing
Everyone has gone AWOL, and all radios are mysteriously off. I’m concerned the producers have exceeded their quota of Obviously Scripted Drama. With no one answering the call, Sandy has to help serve dinner. The guests are kvelling over the food. Well, they’re either kvelling or plotzing. Possibly both. Travis’ stock plummets as he indulges in a spirited conversation about boobs and motor-boating with Jack. Ashley is being super polite and gracious AGAIN, which once again makes it difficult for me to dislike her. All of the rich people are being very polite and gracious. Okay. I’m going to sulk for a while.
It’s the last day of charter. Travis and Jack are bonding. Joao and Hannah continue to each do the job of several people. It’s like Hannah has actually become the highly efficient doer of all jobs she believed she was last season. Jack and Travis continue to complain to one another in a peculiar budding bromance that I do not like one bit. I presume somewhere in the aft galley, Aesha is spreading the love, or tackling the difficult work of being a Fart Coach.
Here’s a Chunker For Ya
Hannah can’t find her epaulets, so she suggests the crew do their goodbye to the guests in their AB shirts they had made for Ashley. Sandy loves the idea, so score some points to Hannah for thinking on her aching feet. The guests are huggers, so it’s taking a while. They are effusive with their praise and thanks, and the primary hands Sandy a “chunker”, which is a big fat envelope. At least I hope that’s what it is.
Tip Meeting!! The Veuve Clicquot, favorite champagne of the Dalai Mama, is poured. This is the part of doing the Below Deck Med Recap I like best. And the chunker is: 27 thousand beans! This sets the record the biggest tip in Below Deck Med history.
Sandy summons Anastasia to the Gilligan Room. She has a new chef ready to go, she says. Wait, really? Who is it? She’s softening the blow by being super complimentary of Anastasia’s work. She’d like to know if Anastasia would like to make it official, and become the Sirocco’s new chef. Boy howdy, that’s a big promotion!
A Harbinger of Doom
So now they are looking for a third stew on Stewlist, Stewbook, and InstaStew. In her talking head, Hannah cheerfully talks about how they’ve never had a crew come together like this one has. Well, that’s a harbinger of doom if ever I’ve heard one. So the official announcement is made, and the new stew is…wait. What? Is Travis being made Third Stew?
Joao opens a can of whoop ass on Jack, who stares blankly and yawns. When chores are finally done, the crew goes out to spend a little jingle cake. In the car on the way there, Anastasia shows off her new authority by ordering that a Colin sandwich be made. Colin appears content with this addition to the menu.
At dinner Anastasia starts getting a little too Norma Rae about her chefly purview, and Joao decides to take her down a peg. Now there’s the venomous, petty, spiteful boy I remember from last year.
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap: Joao tells Aesha she is whorish. Travis makes his move on Hannah. And the primary is Jackie from the documentary Queen of Versailles. I love that documentary!