By Dalai Mama
On tonight’s Below Deck Med Recap, the saga of Mila the Cook Who Was Not a Chef continues. This is feeling as overmilked as the frosting on my strawberry Pop Tart.
We have to relive Captain Sandy’s breathless litany of praise for Mila. I’m as exhausted as Gilligan on the fourth hour of a three hour tour. But wait! Mila is fired!!! This is the most civil dismissal I’ve ever seen. The disgraced pancake destroyer is weeping small, evil Chef Boyardee tears. Mila starts packing her belongings. She rolls up her Cordon Blah diploma with reverence. Captain Sandy is asking Anastasia to chef the next tour. Anastasia’s mouth hangs open, and not in a good way. This is all very last minute. I once considered Captain Sandy to be my First Future Imaginary Wife. But she is absolutely planless. And as limp as a box of Little Debbie snack cakes accidentally left in the car over 4th of July weekend. The crew receives word of the firing with silent glee.
A Mangina For All Seasons
Hannah promptly launches the Well Now I’m Down A Stew story line. “Back to motherfuckin’ Russia, motherfucker. Nostrovia,” says Travis. Say what you will, the man can own a solid sound byte.
Words are coming out of Jack’s mouth that I cannot understand. He flirts with Aesha and flips his corkscrew curls fetchingly.
It’s time for a crew outing! The kids descend on a cute little French town. Aesha is eating as provocatively as French law permits. She and Jack are canoodling a little. No one seems to notice that Anastasia has departed in tears. She goes back to her cabin to call her boyfriend. She is super anxious about her impending chef gig. Where are the satchels of gold? she weeps. Go to sleep!
Jack and Aesha work on their audition for Fifty Shades of Grey At Sea. In other words, they are bumping and grinding and simulating sex acts. On the ride home, Jack says Aesha is “classy”, which is why he would “eat breakfast from her ass”. Money can’t buy him class. Back on the ship, Aesha is barfing like a world class champion.
Travis tucks his junk and makes a “mangina”, which he coyly shares with Jack. I guess somebody signed their “full nudity” clause this season.
Now it’s time for the new charter to begin. The primary is aggressively blonde. “Is this champagne organic?” he asks, when offered the bubbles. “It’s just Veuve”. My eyes are brimming with tears at the mention of Veuve Clicquot. It is the giggle water of life. I’d sell my granny for a bottle of that right now.
Dick Talk Interventions
The incoming guests used to own their own charter yacht. Their daughter Ashley is making her first music video on board the Sirroco. Lord help us. Colin and Jack are having a little bunky to bunky talk. Colin says he is over the deck boy’s 24-hour sex talk. Joao suggests they stage a “dick talk intervention”. I think that would be good for ratings.
Joao is sprinting hither and yon getting things done. He’s down a guy too, because Travis is helping in the galley. Colin is on point, but Jack has the work ethic of an invertebrate. He seems genuinely outraged whenever he is asked to do A Thing.
The guests are hungry. Let the games begin.
Ashley is wearing some sort of metallic hooded onesie. And, we get to hear some of her “music”. She’s rapping in some kind of hybrid Giudice-Jamaican accent. Can someone please get Simon Cowell over here? Meanwhile, Ashley’s parents are getting hammered, and frankly I don’t blame them.
Joao is doing ropey things and lifting and toting stuff. Anastasia has her game face on. She has that cute orange scarf wrapped around her head again. Here is my secret shame, reader. The back of my head is flat. I cannot wear a scarf around my head. It stays for a few minutes, then migrates to the crown of my head. I’m so ashamed.
Grubs up! Come and git it! We’re having chicken and spinach enchiladas, corn, and some other Mexican stuff. I see no tacos, saints be praised. Ashley can barely lift her head under the weight of all the liquid eyeliner she’s wearing. I’m sorry, I just can’t with the rich girl videos.
Ooo, Jenna Fischer is on a vodka commercial!What’s Your Love Connection?
The guests love lunch. There is widespread relief. Captain Sandy is on the phone telling someone she needs a chef pronto. I’m thinking last week might have been a good time to make those calls. Colin informs us he is a music nerd, which is charming. Who doesn’t love a boy with a nice brass instrument? But big waves are rolling in. Everyone off the water toys.
The guests have been talking about love connections, as guests are wont to do. They ask Aesha about her romantic activities. Do people actually do that? Aesha hems and haws fetchingly. But she seems to still be sweet on Jack. Is it the curls?
Show Me The Gnocchi
The principal comes into the galley with a very impaired Italian accent. He wants gnocchi. Where’s the gnocchi? He’s all about the gnocchi.
“It is so hard to be me,” says the primary’s wife to the hot tub. I immediately fast forward.
Anastasia is zooming around like a Ninja. She’s making asparagus lemon risotto. Now the primary is flirting with Hannah. Sandy charges into the galley to try the risotto. She needs the carbs because she’s giving Joao orders like it’s going out of style.
The gusts are writhing in ecstasy over the risotto. Ashley clutches her braids in ecstasy. The gnocchi is outstanding! Anastasia is being a little cocky, but she totally deserves it. The crew heads to bed after a long day.
Uh oh. 1:30 in the morning. Something’s wrong. This could be an “iceberg dead ahead” moment, Below Deck Med style. Jack’s on watch, but Sandy immediately has him drag Joao out of bed. There’s some bad weather coming. So they’re going to move the boat in the middle of the night. This is Colin’s first time on anchor duty, and he’s says he’s feeling like a duck. “Just let it all out,” Captain Sandy calls, which is what my therapist would tell me to do if I had a therapist.
By morning, the bad weather is gone. “Could I bother you for some tea?” Ashley asks. Ashley is super polite and I may have to revise my opinion of her a little. Joao and the deck boys have set up all the toys in the water. Suddenly Sandy decides they need a cuter background for the music video. So they’re going to move the ship. The slide that was just rigged in the water needs to get pulled up again.
“I might be speaking too soon but it’s kind of going well,” says Hannah. Now we all know she should not have said that.
It’s time to haul up that darn anchor up one more time. The chain is piling up on deck in lumpy chunks. Something makes a clunky noise. We hear, “Captain, uh, the anchor is on deck.” Now I’m no sailor, but I get the sense that ain’t where it’s supposed to go.
Next week on the Below Deck Med recap: Jack continues to be a slug. Hannah gets super flirty with Travis. Anastasia has a Chef Moment at dinner. Sandy calls the temporary chef to the wheel house.