By Dalai Mama
On tonight’s Below Deck Med Recap, the saga of Mila the Cook Who Was Not a Chef continues. This is feeling as overmilked as the frosting on my strawberry Pop Tart.
Cordon Blah
We have to relive Captain Sandy’s breathless litany of praise for Mila. I’m as exhausted as Gilligan on the fourth hour of a three hour tour. But wait! Mila is fired!!! This is the most civil dismissal I’ve ever seen. The disgraced pancake destroyer is weeping small, evil Chef Boyardee tears. Mila starts packing her belongings. She rolls up her Cordon Blah diploma with reverence. Captain Sandy is asking Anastasia to chef the next tour. Anastasia’s mouth hangs open, and not in a good way. This is all very last minute. I once considered Captain Sandy to be my First Future Imaginary Wife. But she is absolutely planless. And as limp as a box of Little Debbie snack cakes accidentally left in the car over 4th of July weekend. The crew receives word of the firing with silent glee.
A Mangina For All Seasons
Hannah promptly launches the Well Now I’m Down A Stew story line. “Back to motherfuckin’ Russia, motherfucker. Nostrovia,” says Travis. Say what you will, the man can own a solid sound byte.
Words are coming out of Jack’s mouth that I cannot understand. He flirts with Aesha and flips his corkscrew curls fetchingly.
It’s time for a crew outing! The kids descend on a cute little French town. Aesha is eating as provocatively as French law permits. She and Jack are canoodling a little. No one seems to notice that Anastasia has departed in tears. She goes back to her cabin to call her boyfriend. She is super anxious about her impending chef gig. Where are the satchels of gold? she weeps. Go to sleep!
Jack and Aesha work on their audition for Fifty Shades of Grey At Sea. In other words, they are bumping and grinding and simulating sex acts. On the ride home, Jack says Aesha is “classy”, which is why he would “eat breakfast from her ass”. Money can’t buy him class. Back on the ship, Aesha is barfing like a world class champion.
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Travis tucks his junk and makes a “mangina”, which he coyly shares with Jack. I guess somebody signed their “full nudity” clause this season.
Now it’s time for the new charter to begin. The primary is aggressively blonde. “Is this champagne organic?” he asks, when offered the bubbles. “It’s just Veuve”. My eyes are brimming with tears at the mention of Veuve Clicquot. It is the giggle water of life. I’d sell my granny for a bottle of that right now.
Dick Talk Interventions
The incoming guests used to own their own charter yacht. Their daughter Ashley is making her first music video on board the Sirroco. Lord help us. Colin and Jack are having a little bunky to bunky talk. Colin says he is over the deck boy’s 24-hour sex talk. Joao suggests they stage a “dick talk intervention”. I think that would be good for ratings.
Joao is sprinting hither and yon getting things done. He’s down a guy too, because Travis is helping in the galley. Colin is on point, but Jack has the work ethic of an invertebrate. He seems genuinely outraged whenever he is asked to do A Thing.
The guests are hungry. Let the games begin.
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Ashley is wearing some sort of metallic hooded onesie. And, we get to hear some of her “music”. She’s rapping in some kind of hybrid Giudice-Jamaican accent. Can someone please get Simon Cowell over here? Meanwhile, Ashley’s parents are getting hammered, and frankly I don’t blame them.
Joao is doing ropey things and lifting and toting stuff. Anastasia has her game face on. She has that cute orange scarf wrapped around her head again. Here is my secret shame, reader. The back of my head is flat. I cannot wear a scarf around my head. It stays for a few minutes, then migrates to the crown of my head. I’m so ashamed.
Grubs up! Come and git it! We’re having chicken and spinach enchiladas, corn, and some other Mexican stuff. I see no tacos, saints be praised. Ashley can barely lift her head under the weight of all the liquid eyeliner she’s wearing. I’m sorry, I just can’t with the rich girl videos.
Ooo, Jenna Fischer is on a vodka commercial!
What’s Your Love Connection?
The guests love lunch. There is widespread relief. Captain Sandy is on the phone telling someone she needs a chef pronto. I’m thinking last week might have been a good time to make those calls. Colin informs us he is a music nerd, which is charming. Who doesn’t love a boy with a nice brass instrument? But big waves are rolling in. Everyone off the water toys.
The guests have been talking about love connections, as guests are wont to do. They ask Aesha about her romantic activities. Do people actually do that? Aesha hems and haws fetchingly. But she seems to still be sweet on Jack. Is it the curls?
Show Me The Gnocchi
The principal comes into the galley with a very impaired Italian accent. He wants gnocchi. Where’s the gnocchi? He’s all about the gnocchi.
“It is so hard to be me,” says the primary’s wife to the hot tub. I immediately fast forward.
Anastasia is zooming around like a Ninja. She’s making asparagus lemon risotto. Now the primary is flirting with Hannah. Sandy charges into the galley to try the risotto. She needs the carbs because she’s giving Joao orders like it’s going out of style.
The gusts are writhing in ecstasy over the risotto. Ashley clutches her braids in ecstasy. The gnocchi is outstanding! Anastasia is being a little cocky, but she totally deserves it. The crew heads to bed after a long day.
Uh oh. 1:30 in the morning. Something’s wrong. This could be an “iceberg dead ahead” moment, Below Deck Med style. Jack’s on watch, but Sandy immediately has him drag Joao out of bed. There’s some bad weather coming. So they’re going to move the boat in the middle of the night. This is Colin’s first time on anchor duty, and he’s says he’s feeling like a duck. “Just let it all out,” Captain Sandy calls, which is what my therapist would tell me to do if I had a therapist.
Anchors Away
By morning, the bad weather is gone. “Could I bother you for some tea?” Ashley asks. Ashley is super polite and I may have to revise my opinion of her a little. Joao and the deck boys have set up all the toys in the water. Suddenly Sandy decides they need a cuter background for the music video. So they’re going to move the ship. The slide that was just rigged in the water needs to get pulled up again.
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“I might be speaking too soon but it’s kind of going well,” says Hannah. Now we all know she should not have said that.
It’s time to haul up that darn anchor up one more time. The chain is piling up on deck in lumpy chunks. Something makes a clunky noise. We hear, “Captain, uh, the anchor is on deck.” Now I’m no sailor, but I get the sense that ain’t where it’s supposed to go.
Next week on the Below Deck Med recap: Jack continues to be a slug. Hannah gets super flirty with Travis. Anastasia has a Chef Moment at dinner. Sandy calls the temporary chef to the wheel house.
Travis & Colin are my two favorite cast members this season. I just want to see them be silly & sweet. Jack is obnoxious & the flatulent girl is tedious. Mila got fired! I cannot wait to watch that happen. DVR & chill ! Great recap!
As one flat-headed person to another, great recap! As charger guests go, so far this family is pretty nice. Ashley’s voice/talent are at least as good (read that as better) than the Countess, but I’m sure it’s the family money that got her that recording contract. So happy to see Mila fired. I truly don’t understand why Captain Sandy waited so long to try to find another chef, but I can’t wait to see who the replacement will be. Anastasia’s food looked delicious, like real food cooked by a real chef.
Betcha the “new” chef is Ben. (????)
Finally!! Bye Felisha!!
When Travis (i think) was shocked when Aesha quoted Shakespeare, Aesha responded with, “I have a lot of things in me.”
Be honest. Was I the only one who said outloud, “Probably Ben Wa balls.” ?
Yes? Nevermind.
TT, You sincerely have me laughing, smiling and the memories. Looking back it is difficult to “see” me living as I do compared to my previous self. What the hell did I do to myself? Thank you Lady, good memories.
Ha! Ha! That’s great!
I was thinking along similar lines — a butt plug — because she seems to be so interested in the poopchute!
So happy to see the back end of Mila, and I know some people look terrible in hats but she looked worse than terrible in that damn hat. I would hate to have the chef thing sprung on me like that, it is a huge responsibility. I have trouble understanding what Jack says half the time, is hair is great but he sucks at his job. I love Colin, he’s a good kid and I am happy we are seeing more of him this season. The guests seem to be very pleasant, and how Ashley asked for the tea was especially nice compared to how some of the guests behave. They really seem like a very nice family.
I was surprised that after all the bumping and grinding Aesha and Jack did at the club, that they didn’t ride in the same van on the way back to the boat. Instead, it was Travis who was taking care of Aesha.
Anastasia mentioned picking up knife skills from her ex, but I had noticed earlier in the episode that she is super slow in cutting anything. She handles a knife very gingerly. I’m not faulting her–I’m super slow with knives also–but usually I’m amazed at how quickly chefs chop things, so it struck me how slow she was.
Looks like she is going to have a big ego next week. But she did step up to the challenge!
@SD Good point, but this was the charter where the water was pretty choppy. Even Ben managed to slice his finger open.
“Jack has the work ethic of an invertebrate.” I am so stealing ‘work ethic of an invertebrate.’. It may be 10 years from now, but I am definitely using it.
Me also.
@Erica I am spinelessly humbled.
Ahhh the Funsches. Last seen on Shahs of Sunset lightening Reza of.. was it a cheque for 500k for his Diamond Champagne Water Hair Revival line without his husband’s knowledge. THIS is where the money goes! What a tacky couple they are. Especially him. I cringe when guests go into the Galley , especially slurring drunk . Dalai Mama, you did the right thing ffing through Mrs Funsches ‘i don’t get any attention ‘ diatribe. It was up there with Camille’s Burberry Coat saga for drumming up sympathy for the entitled.
@Queenjen Ooo, I didn’t know they were repeat reality customers! I’ll have to go check them out. Nothing can best Camille’s martyr complex, though. She is truly reptilian.
I knew they looked familiar!
I’m relieved that Mila will no longer be the main story line!! I wonder who the replacement chef will be ?
Adam! Or Ben. (I crush on both) Since the stews are getting along it might be good to have another dude to up the deck crew tension. Mila was worthless but the show works when there’s a common enemy (aka Danny) in the mix and since we have “times up” Joao they need someone to gang up on like the Liverpool invertebrate – can’t remember his name.
My money is on Anastasia maybe not for the whole season, but for a few more charters. That is why Bravo hired her. They knew someone would have to replace the fake chef.
She could very well bring the tension I referenced. Previews for next week give the notion that she gets full of herself, ‘I’m not the 3rd stew. I’m the chef’…or something like that. Changing the hierarchy won’t go down easy on Hannah
I think Aesha is growing on me. She is always in a happy mood even when the hours are long and the work is hard. Jack’s lazy ass would have been following Mina’s off the boat. Ah yes, the Funsches. I think the daughter has appropriated every culture under the sun and the Doctor looks disinterested in everything going on. Can’t wait for the new chef.
are we ever going to get the real story about her background? she clearly isnt going to be invited to the reunion and there is ZERO history of her onling
I tried to find out but cannot find anything regarding her training. I love Hannah’s Taco Bell comment.
I used to play and watch a lot of Poker. Mila is a poker player so she may show up in that world, under World Series or poker tour. She mentioned it a few times and before it was revealed that she can’t cook, i thought we might see some poker action with the crew . She also looks and sounds a lot like Perla from RHoCheshire so I’m not sure if I actually recognize her or just think i do.
I think she was hired by production with full knowledge that she was a fraud. I am more interested in how no matter how bad of a cook you are, you can pour pancake batter onto a griddle and it doesn’t form a round shape.
I think the new chef is gonna be Matt.
I really like everyone in this crew including Sandy. Travis is HOT and I look forward to his scenes with Jack. The two of them together are hysterical.
As of this last episode, Aesha has grown on me. Her poop & sex comments are sophomoric but she’s harmless fun. That sloppy, drunken kiss she planted on Jack was hilarious. That she didn’t remember it, made it even funnier. PRICELESS!!
Trying to get emails for these comments…
Great recap- maybe the last name Mila used isn’t her real last name. If I knew how I would do that reverse image search and see if her photo pops up on any social media outlets under a different name. Something is definitely off about her.
Switch the “i” in her last name with a “y” and you will find stuff?
Change the “i” in her last name to a “y.” Then you will find stuff.?
@Skeptical/Angela Wherefore art thou posting almost verbatim comments as two different people? Is this a triumph of non-locality (Einstein’s “spooky action”) or some blandly nefarious subterfuge?
Sorry:/ my post kept loading, so I thought it was because of the nickname. I clicked out and came back on and still didn’t see the comment after like 10 min. I tried again with my name and it did the same thing. I came back later and saw the double post. Total accident.
@Angela No worries. And you’re right. “Actor, Extra, and Model”. One out of three ain’t bad.
Well, we can all safely say that she won’t be hired for any acting gigs where she has to play a chef…
Mila, if she is Russian, is probably a nickname for Lyudmila.
The best thing about watching Blow-Deck is knowing that I have a Dali Mama recap to look forward to. My stomach muscles get a good workout from laughing. Thank you.
Thank you, bbbshots!