This season of RHONY has been one helluva ride. I’m usually glad to be finishing up a season and moving on to something different. But I feel a bit sad that this is the last RHONY recap of the regular season. Today the RHONY trailer was released and it’s a gang up on Luann. Luann knew it would be a gang up on her and she showed up and sat down in the frying pan. The Countess is many things, and a coward is not one of them.
I love a Christmas episode! Especially when it is set in NYC! Luann’s Christmas Cabaret sold out at the Gramercy. We see her happily strutting up to the marquee with the words SOLD OUT grinning ear to ear. Luann has a lot going on. I think her cabaret show is what is holding her together.
Cool Sculpting And A Hot Mess
Meanwhile, Sonja and Dorinda go for Cool Sculpting. Finally, a procedure I am interested to watch. If I lost another thirty pounds or so I’d consider doing it. Especially if they have it in Costa Rica where everything is cheaper and you get a cute cabana to recuperate in with room service. Dorinda and Sonja both feel the need to pry into Tinsley’s dating life. Tinsley is clearly a hot mess at the moment. Could they not just give her some space? Or I dunno be a little kinder to her? On the reunion preview Bethenny outs Tinsley for not living in NYC anymore. Neither does Lu. Neither does Bethenny for most of the time they are not filming. This is not women supporting women.
Dorinda claims her snooping is because Tinsley doesn’t share anything with her. Sonja says you only get away with being secretive for about two years and Tinsley’s two years are up. I think they are mad that she is not sharing her full life on camera. In other news, I’ve started needing reading glasses for the laptop. I just looked down at my bare legs. I thought maybe it was part of THE CRAZY that the hair on your legs stops growing. Actually, it appears that you just get blind as a bat and can’t see it. I suppose I should start shaving again. But is it really there if I can’t see it? I didn’t get to see any actual cool sculpting. I need y’all to tell me about it in comments. Surely, some of you ladies have done it.
Near Death From Finned Fish
Bethenny Frankel calls Sonja Morgan of THE Morgans to tell her about her near death experience. She was in Boston having Asian takeout at her boyfriend Paul’s house. She had a cup of miso soup. Unbeknownst to her the soup also had bonito flakes popular in some Asian cuisines. Bonito is what we call skipjack, a small cheap tuna fish. The flakes are very fishy tasting. I am surprised she didn’t know right away that she had eaten fish. On the other hand she very quickly went into anaphalactic shock. She was unconscious by the time Paul returned from the bathroom with the benadryl. She would have died if there had been no one with her. Now she is terrified of being alone. I totally get that. The stupid Life Alert commercials give me anxiety.
Bethenny cried on the phone with Sonja and told her that she is supposed to have her S’Mores and Whores party the next day but they might have to do it without her. She’s going to try to rally. Her housekeeper comes in and gives her a hug. Bless her heart.
This Is Where The Magic Happens
It’s Dorinda’s Birthday and Luann’s Cabaret performance. I think it might be Barbara’s birthday as well. Sadly, everyone has agreed to stop by and wish Ramona well before they head off to the surprise party Ramona has planned. Once again, Ramona has decided not to attend an all cast. This is simply unbelievable to me that Ramona gets away with that. She’s been dipping out of things a lot this season. Is it because she is secretly seeing Mario? Oh sorry, it is Sonja that is the other party being honored by Ramona. Not Barbara. Sonja’s birthday is in November. Dorinda’s birthday was like a week before this event.
At the cabaret, Sonja, Dorinda, Tinsley and Barbara are stuck down with the great unwashed waiting to be summoned to the dressing room. Sonja goes backstage to see WTF they are waiting around for. They are double booked. Luann is pissed that Ramona bailed. But the real kicker is that Luann knows full well that Bethenny spent two days in ICU this week. Yet, she is pissed she didn’t show up? She’s more pissed about Bethenny not being there than Ramona. I think everything is scripted. But this? This is pure COUNTESS Crap. Noel and Victoria are there in the dressing room supporting their mother. They are both a bit weird.
Meanwhile downstairs Dorinda is talking about freezing and thawing Tinsley’s dead dog. It’s horribly insensitive comment. Then when they all get to the dressing room, Luann promptly throws them out. Poor Barbara actually has to go watch the show while the rest go to Dorinda’s Surprise Party. Ha, Barbara has a friend with her who asks if it is just Luann by herself. And in what I believe to be a hot mike moment, Barbara says, “No, she couldn’t do a show by herself. I mean, she… cant’… really… sing.” Oh that will bite her in the ass but dayum, someone had to say it. Victoria and Noel were sitting right behind Barbara.
Then Luann comes out and sings jingle bells with a second verse that was rewritten to include the word “Jovani!” The crowd went wild. For real. Everyone seemed to be having a great time. They really are feeling Jovani. Dorinda’s standy up portion includes, “I actually loved rehab. I loved it so much I went back a second time.”
Surprise! Ramona Did Something Nice!
Dorinda was truly touched that Ramona made it nice for her birthday. Ramona may have dropped a point or two on the psychopathy scale for this. She gives the appearance of having real feelings for someone other than herself.
Tinsley wants to talk to Dorinda alone. Sonja is insisting that she needs to be there too. Tinsley disagrees. Tinsley wants to know why Dorinda is so distant from her lately. She wonders if she did something wrong. Is it about missing her aerobics event? What’s going on? Dorinda says it is not just her. It’s the whole group. She comes right out and says that Tinsley is “still in the mix from Scott.” In the scenes from the previous episode, there was a scene I was not up for recapping (yet it was still talked about in comments to the point where I had to stop reading them) that showed Scott sent her some Gucci shoes called Bambi, the name of her dog.
Dorinda calls Sonja over to make it a two on one. Oh Ramona comes over too. So make that a three on one. It was brutal, mean and completely unfair. These women are a dozen to twenty years older than her. Why are all of them screaming in her face?
Smores And Whores
This recap is way too long already and we are only halfway through the show! Bethenny and her new driver, Albi, who is dressed like Santa chat on the way to the party. He says she looks so much better today. She tells him that on the way to ER in the ambulance she felt Dennis pulling on her. She says she talks about him too much. He agrees she talks about him everyday. She just wants to get to the party and hug her friends. All the girls give her long hugs when she sees them. It was touching.
Bethenny finds out that Sonja’s surprise was spoiled at the surprise party so she asks her party planner to send out a guy to be Sonja’s surprise. Then there was a whole conversations about the heresy or Luann selling religious candles with her face on it at her cabaret shows. I have a heretical candle with a drag queen on it and some Saint Guadalupe ones to balance things out. Then Luann shows up.
We’re A Different Breed Of Girls
I guess we are sadly done with Barbara. She has the last call time and after coming for Luann to her face about her sacrilegious candles, they start in on Barbara. I hate shit like this. There is a kid on Big Brother that is being ostracized for his differences. I don’t care for it. His family is watching the show. It is unnecessarily unkind and not one bystander will open their mouth. Though the season they did that to Josh he ended up winning. Here’s hoping. But Ramona saying “we’re a different breed of girls” is just not right.
Quickly, they turn on Tinsley. Thankfully they are distracted by S’mores. Tinsley tells Dorinda that she and Scott are broken up. She says if you are mad at me about something don’t make it about Scott because they are not together. Dorinda is still a rude cunt to Tinsley in her talking heads. They must know more than we do about the situation. Or else this is VERY production driven because Dorinda is looking like a full blown cunt right now. Again. Thankfully, there is a nutcracker pinata that they all get to beat the shit out of to distract them. It’s filled with sex toys and condoms. Perfect.
Sonja Finally Gets her Birthday Surprise
A hot guy with a flaming birthday cake comes out for Sonja. Nearly a month later everyone finally sings happy birthday to her. She cries. Because, Lymeopause. Then the stripping begins. There are many hot guys stripping for Sonja. She’s in hog heaven.
Ramona grabs a stripper by the necktie for a lap dance. Ramona’s apartment is still on the market despite a price reduction. She needs to call Fredrik!
Sonja’s daughter was accepted to an Ivy League school. Her townhouse is rented. She loves her new apartment.
Bethenny has purchased and apartment in Boston with her boyfriend Paul. And despite considering it, she has decided not to sell off Skinnygirl.
Tinsley maintains that she and Scott have broken up. She stayed in Palm Beach with her mom for a few months but is back in NYC in a downsized apartment, still in the hotel.
Oh wow, Dorinda’s home in the Berkshires was recently flooded. She vows to make it nice again.
Luann relapsed and was taken into custody briefly. But the show must go on! She is selling out venues across the country.
The fuckers didn’t even bother to give Barbara an end note. GO BUY HER BOOK HEELS OF STEEL!
And so it ends ass over tits …