By Dalai Mama
Welcome to the Below Deck Med recap, in which we collectively pray for the hasty performance of a Milabotomy on the good ship Sirocco. I need to preface this recap with a little uncomfortable statement regarding my own personal Below Deck situation. I’m having my first colonoscopy tomorrow at oh dark-thirty. So I’m on a 24-hour fast and irritably chugging Miralax. Shit, as they say, is about to get real. Sadly real.
Anyway, we return to last weeks Steak Fail. The new plan is to give the guests a super hearty deep-fried breakfast in the hopes that collective amnesia is induced. Mila continues to be petulant and sulky, doing her best to make sardonic, biting comments about all the ridiculous things the ridiculous people around her are doing, which is ridiculous. Travis privately estimates Mila’s testicular heft, and I don’t think he’s off base.
Joao is stewing over Brooke’s new doofy boyfriend. Mila is frying up a whole galaxy of meat for this would-be breakfast of champions. Said meat is somehow served, probably just tossed, one wiener at a time, out to the guests at their table.
Let’s Leave Aunt Jemima Out of It
In the galley, Mila is stomping around and stirring things hard. The guests think the bacon and sausages look “weird”. Reader, I am so damn hungry right now I would eat the hell out of that sausage. But the guests do not. And yet they are still hungry (as am I). As a result, they order up some pancakes. Looks like the Milove Boat is back on course again. Except. Uh oh.
The pancakes are tardy to the party. Hannah zooms down to the galley. She wants to know why is it taking so long to cook pancakes. Mila sneers that she is using the “special pancake batter” that the Americans will like. Translation, Aunt Jemima.
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So, Hannah explodes and says everything Mila is producing is shit. She is serving absolute shit to guests. All true, but I wish we could get away from the topic of “producing shit” for my own, personal and inappropriate reasons. And hell yes, Hannah, let’s leave Aunt Jemima OUT of this whole miserable tale. They do a quick montage of all the bad food Mila’s made so far. Good lord, even the vanquished tacos look good to me right now.
Jack is canoodling with one of the guests. I heartily dislike this guy. And what’s with the name Jack Stirrup? It sounds like a very slight variation on Jock Strap. The Paul McCartney pouty lips and Jack’s aggressive ringlets have a Very Limited Shelf Life. Liverpool will only get you so far, Shirley Temple.
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Sandy is taking the guests to a restaurant for lunch. But first, Sandy wants Jack to do something about his hair. The resultant man-bun is displeasing to mine eye.
The Ego Has Landed
It’s official. Anastasia will stand in as chef. The Last Supper for Sandy’s guests must be amazing. On learning this, Anastasia manages to be awkward and ruthlessly ambitious at the same time. Mila is summoned to the bridge. She purses her lips and looks wistfully. Afterwards, Mila tearfully confesses that her ego has taken a beating. Wait til she sees this edit.
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Joao opens up to Hannah about the way he ended things with Brooke. Feelings are felt by all, even me. I’m kind of starting to believe in this remorse of Joao’s. Also, I like the new Joao / Hannah dynamic.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
The guests are starving, and so am I. Mila comes charging into the galley to lock horns with Hannah. At this point, I don’t get what Mila is even defending. The impreious air really doesn’t go far when the guests are spitting your cooking back onto their plates. The decision has been made. Anastasia will be doing the cooking. There will be no cooking by Mila. Only helping.
Meanwhile, back on deck, Captain Sandy has about had it with Jack’s Bohemian Cousin It locks hanging in his face.
“I can’t be doin’ me hair every day. I’m not having it!” Jack minces.
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Mila is burrowing around in a locker. She announces that her “tolerance is not limitless”. Eyebrows arch around the world. She enters the galley and dumps a chihuahua sized piece of meat on the counter. “This is just something I want to cook for dinner,” she purrs. Hannah and Anastasia stare in amazement.
Colin is talking to his parents! They are adorable. Commercial break. Pardon me while I chug another 32 ounces of Miralax.
Captain Lee is on a commercial!
In Which Mila Feels Like Barfing
The guests continue to consume bonafide USDA edible-certified food. Mila again evinces astonishment that she is getting instructions from the third stew. “I feel like throwing up,” she drones. We all do, honey. Get in line.
As a result of this treatment, Anastasia relegates Mila to Salad Siberia. Which, if I’m being honest, is usually where they send me.
In the crew quarters, Colin very briefly becomes trapped in his own shirt. Joao has a heart to heart with Sandy about Brooke. He’s genuinely weepy about Brooke. Sandy and Joao share a power hug. Maybe Joao really has changed.
Meatballs and Meatheads
Sandy announces she will be eating dinner with the guests. As a result, Anastasia is nervous at this news. Thin slices of raw meat are lovingly places on plates with globs of foam. It looks like little dollops of Mr. Bubble bubble bath. The guests are a bit late for dinner. “The foam is already down,” gloats Mila. She is not a well-wisher.
Dinner is spaghetti and meatballs. Coincidentally, one of the guests is a Meatball Expert. With great anticipation, they begin sampling the meatballs. I am weeping with hunger, and burping Miralax, which just morphed in my mind into Milalax. This liquid diet is too cruel. Wait, though. Isn’t vodka a liquid?
Aesha is saying something I can’t understand. Again.
Fuggeddaboudit!
Ominous music is playing as the meatballs go down the little red lanes. There is momentary silence at the table. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict? We have your honor. The verdict is… our compliments to the chef”.
Anastasia is not only “winning”, she’s charming a guest who can’t believe she’s not Italian with a pretty solid “fuggeddaboudit”. Hannah says Mila is taking her demotion in stride, seemingly patient with her falling fortune… or, as Hannah says, “she’s just used to it.” Snap!
Meanwhile, the guests are disrobing to go skinny dipping. Travis muses it’s a universal love. sarcastically that there is nothing like feeling nice salty water on your peen. Then he raises one eyebrow sardonically. I Iove him.
The Myth of Russian Pancakes
Mila is suddenly, miraculously no longer dripping with disdain towards Anastasia. I guess she knows which side her bread (that she did not bake) is buttered on . She’s frying more bacon now and I’ m all AGONY. Another breakfast, and Mila is permitted to make something called Russian pancakes. It sounds like a porn name.
Except for the whole Mila thing (other than that, Mrs. Lincoln how did you like the show) the crew seems to be getting on really well together. Sandy is truly happy with both Joao and Hannah, and vice versa. People are being kind and helpful to one another. I like it.
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Getting close to the end of the charter. Joao is employing his mad parking skills and receives accolades from Sandy again. The dream team is born.
Crew and guests assemble to say their goodbyes. The primary says, “The last few nights I saw you in real time making changes that made our experience so much better,” which is a pretty gracious thing to say. There’s a quick cut to Mila’s talking head. “Whatever,” she sneers.
Jack and Colin are doing some kind of interpretive dance that involves humping.
The Moment of Truth
Time for the dreaded tip meeting. Everyone is braced for the likelihood that crap food will result in a crap tip. But hey wait, it’s 18k! That is $1430 for person, about three times what they though they’d get! Someone mutters something about certain people who should give the money back. That’s not gonna happen.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Captain calls Mila to the bridge. Everyone is awaiting this firing. Sandy compliments her on her passion. Yeah, whatever. Now do it, Sandy. Mila earnestly says she really wants to show the charter she can do it.
One damn minute, Admiral. WTF? Are they NOT firing her? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
It is on this cliffhanger that we’re left, which especially annoys me with all the compulsory cliffhanging I’ve had to do today to do right by my colon.
On next week’s Below Med Recap, Mila 2: The Reckoning continues, a mangina sighting occurs in crew quarters, and tempestuous seas set some drama in motion.
YOUR funny. Great recap. If Mila cooks hamburger helper next week i will be impressed.
I got escorted out of colonoscopy aftercare with hubby for whipping out my camera. He was higher than a kite dancing around in a gown and vans tennis shoes. Enjoy the ride.
Yes- the drugs are something else. I don’t remember a thing.
Great recap! Great writing!
Both with Below Deck Med and tomorrow’s impending colon inspection, the lyrics that have been going through my head seem especially apropos! Hope the doc is gonna give you the good stuff tomorrow…
“Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push, and you’ll be smilin'”
That said – great recap. I am completely loving the Sandy/Joao/Hannah trifecta – that they are all on their A game work wise, but the show is still captivating! Honestly, Med and RHONY are my ultimate Bravo shows right now.
Speaking of songs…I had a colonoscopy a few years ago. Did the terrible prep. Got there early the next day. Grumpy because I was hungry. Cute doctor tells me he is ready and they roll me back to the icebox called the procedure room. They had music playing and what was song as they were putting me asleep, Boston’s “More than a Feeling”. You got that right.
Love it! That is a doc with humor. My dad is friends with the doc that does his – I’ve not decided yet if I want my dad’s poker buddy to look up my poop shoot when I have to start getting them or not. BUT when my dad had his done, the doc printed out color pictures and put them on the poker room wall (he had a game that following Friday) Commence with the “Hey, he isn’t full of shit” jokes!
I’ve had 3 x colonoscopies. Don’t fret, you will be fine. Just make sure you drink all that liquid.
Hilarious recap ! Hope your colonoscopy goes well. Sending positive vibes. Mila is an absolute joke. Seems to be suffering from a severe case of high self esteem. If only Kate Chastain was in the gallery beside her. I would pay cash to see Chastain take her down. Hannah will (in due time) but Kate would make her promptly jump ship. I love Colin & Travis. Bromance, please. Looking forward to Travis cavorting in the nude.Sandy was extremely kind to Joao. I don’t like her very much but she impressed me last night. Kindness is a rare sight to see on Bravo.
I’d love to see more Colin and Travis. Their dancing around was a hoot. I’m definitely ready for a new storyline. Over chefgate.
Hope your 24 hours goes well Dalai Mama. Great recap!
This is the worst deck crew ever. Can’t stand Jack, especially after the sexy hitler comment, Mila the anti-chef, Aesha thinks she’s cute with her behavior (for the record, if ANYONE farted that close to my face I wouldn’t have a job), I hope when she’s sees how she acts when watching she’ll change, doubt it since she’s been allowed to get away with it for so many years obviously. Just because she has a lot of brothers doesn’t mean she has to act like an animal, sorry no free passes because of siblings. While I give Travis props for going back at Mila I think he’s a dick (we are all just janitors on a floating toilet). I wonder who he puts his hands on further in the season and last but not least, in the previews I can’t believe Hannah is making out with Jack???? Didn’t she learn her lesson last year? Jack just looks like he doesn’t bathe. Sadly this is one of my favorite shows and I’ll continue to watch, I’ll just walk away when I have to, which was quite a bit last night LOL. My daughter told me she saw a picture of the crew and chef Matt from season 1 (?) was pictured as the chef (or was he season 2 – I don’t remember).
Mila makes me want to bitch slap that smirk off her face…ARGGGG….and Jack does need to pull that hair back as cute as it may be it is not professional. sorry about the whole colon thingy…that is a bummer.
Literally, a bummer.
Ha! Ha!
Mama, I feel your disdain of not a Captain Jack. I love Colin. He is so sweet and helpful. I am digging mature Joao. My jury is still out on the stews, especially Hannah after last season. Once again, Sandy is avoiding the conflict that is needed to tighten up that crew. If chefs are so hard to find mid-season, are third stews? She could probably find that a lot easier and put Anastasia into the kitchen and pay her well to be there. Another great, witty recap. I hope your exam goes well. Look at the bright side, tomorrow no one can say you’re full of chit!
Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t Joao calling that other girl behind Brook’s back and telling her all their business? Somehow Joao has forgotten about that. Has Mila cooked a meal, ever? I mean come on! I absolutely adore Jack. He’s fun and just the kind of person I would hang out with! I really love this whole crew. When Hannah made the remark about certain people who should give the money back, I remembered Adam who sabatoged the meals with the onions. He didn’t decline his, so why should Mila? It’s nice to have a season that people aren’t complaining so much, IE: Hannah not pulling her weight. I love this crew. Thanks for the recap and good luck with the colonoscopy
On some previous season with Capt Lee, someone did try to decline their portion of the tip, saying they didn’t deserve it. I thought I was Adam, but maybe not–I can’t remember for sure. But anyway, Capt Lee said that’s not how they did things–they were a team, and everyone got a portion of the tip, even if they didn’t fully “earn” it that charter.
It was the first season of Below Deck Med. Danny (deckhand) was sick the entire charter so he gave his tip to the others. Ben suggested to him that he do so since they all hated him.
If Bravo is going to go with this Mila story then I wish they would bring on some REAL pain in the arse guests that would raise holy hell about her bad cooking! Throw that shite overboard and order some take out Pizza…give us a real show!
Happy Anastasia was able to please the guests, but spaghetti and meatballs? On a luxurious yacht?! I would want something I can’t or won’t make at home. I guess by that time the guests were just happy to have something they liked, no matter what it was. Not a Hannah fan, but I like how she was straight up with Mila and didn’t sugarcoat a thing when telling her off.
I thought the exact same thing about Spaghetti and meatballs. I didn’t even see any damn garlic bread.
Pathetic.
Tamz, I agree about spaghetti. I too would want something I can’t make myself. Even if Anastasia’s was delicious, you want something with more wow. It didn’t look that great on the plate, either. I could see maybe serving that if all the other meals had been over the top wonderful–but this meal was the one chance at redemption, not the little pause in a series of hits.
II think she had to cook with the provisions Chef KGB had in the galley.
Great recap. Good luck on your colonoscopy. If I may offer you a “survival tip” from someone that has had at least 10. Bring a change of a undies and pants and a towel for your car seat on the way home. In my experience I’ve found that the prep liquid you take prior to the procedure sometimes kicks in on the drive home. If you have a long drive home it can be challenging. Best of luck!
Sigh. Really?!?
I’m having a really hard time with the new Joao. He was such a dick last season this changed man thing just seems like an act. Esp how hes blaming the whole break-up on Brooke when shes not there to defend herself.
The prep is worse than the procedure. I ended up waking up during the procedure, they immediately knocked me back out.
Mila Mila Mila please stop trying to cook. I hope Sandy doesn’t give her another chance. Mila’s attitude is so STANK, she was hoping that the meatballs were going to be dry. For someone who claims they never cry, has been trying more then anyone in Russia.
Does anyone know if the captain takes part of the tip as well? I can’t figure out the calculation.
I don’t think the captain gets a share of the tip. Maybe some of it goes to the first mate and engineer that were briefly introduced on the first episode, but that we don’t see on camera otherwise.
I just saw for the first time the first mate and engineer today. I just started watching last year so I had no clue about these other positions. I wish they would show them more. I tried to Google what the first mate does. Thanks for the info.
Thank you Dalai Mama, great recap!!
It’s no biggie. You have no idea what they are doing. I’ve had atleast 5 so far and the worst part is the emptying out. You’ll be fine! They’ll give you an IV in prep, and you still feel like you need to poop but you won’t. Then the doc says “hi!” and you get a nice cocktail of versed and fentynol or propofol and the next thing you know you are awake and it’s over. Propofol is lights off/lights on – no high afterwards unlike the other. After you leave, go have a nice meal and you are good to go! And what a great recap BTW.
On WWHL last night, Capt Sandy was asked about the accident involving Ashton being pulled overboard on Capt Lee’s boat. She said Capt Lee would have ended up in jail over that if Ashton had died!! What? It wasn’t the captain’s fault at all. I was shocked to hear that. (I didn’t watch WWHL, but it’s in one of the clips on the Bravo website today.)
Ummmm when Sandy called Mila to the bridge at the end for not firing her, I feel like the only thing Mila took out of the conversation is that someone finally recognized what a great attitude she has. I think we just repaired that injured ego!
For some reason, I think they only showed half of the conversation. In the second half, she’s going to fire her. The line “your position is now redundant” sounds like something that would be directed toward Mila. *fingers crossed*
Good call, you were right! Thank god.
I just can’t with Mila. Captain Sandy says you can’t get another chef at this point of the season but she has another chef on board already! I do feel bad for her in some ways, because I feel like she probably can cook the Cordon Bleu cuisine she’s been trained in. The problem is that the American charter guests don’t want to eat that kind of food, they want tacos and pancakes and bacon. If she’s not used to cooking American food, which it seems like she isn’t, then yes it will be a challenge. But then she opens her mouth with her ridiculous comments and I just want her gone.
As for colonoscopies – I have them every year. My most important advice is that gummy bears are allowed, so long as it’s not red or orange! I actually always have pancakes for breakfast on fasting day. They are definitely a low res food. Second advice is to grab a Fleet enema from the drugstore if you’re not certain you ‘got it all out’. That will do the trick. Because nothing sucks more than showing up for your procedure after fasting all day before and being sent away to do it again.
In January I showed up to the hospital after the prep and was told that I wasn’t scheduled and the doctor wasn’t even there! they called the drs office and asked me where I got the prep (Moviprep) um… YOU sent it to the pharmacy!!??? Anyway I was sent home and had to reschedule for the next week. They acted like they were doing me a favor by giving me a new prep ($50 co pay at CVS). I have to go every 6 months because of polyps that keep popping up. UGH!
She never went to Cordon Bleu. I saw a hat and jacket on eBay. The training as a chef does not begin with fancy sophisticated food. No matter WHAT type of culinary school — including community colleges, which often have excellent culinary programs — you concentrate on the basic skills before moving up. KNIFE SKILLS are a foundation skill. Mila’s knife skills are worse than a kindergartener with plastic utensils. She is a fraud. A fraud with extreme schadenfreude, hence her glee over the sinking foam…