By Dalai Mama
Welcome to the Below Deck Med recap, in which we collectively pray for the hasty performance of a Milabotomy on the good ship Sirocco. I need to preface this recap with a little uncomfortable statement regarding my own personal Below Deck situation. I’m having my first colonoscopy tomorrow at oh dark-thirty. So I’m on a 24-hour fast and irritably chugging Miralax. Shit, as they say, is about to get real. Sadly real.
Anyway, we return to last weeks Steak Fail. The new plan is to give the guests a super hearty deep-fried breakfast in the hopes that collective amnesia is induced. Mila continues to be petulant and sulky, doing her best to make sardonic, biting comments about all the ridiculous things the ridiculous people around her are doing, which is ridiculous. Travis privately estimates Mila’s testicular heft, and I don’t think he’s off base.
Joao is stewing over Brooke’s new doofy boyfriend. Mila is frying up a whole galaxy of meat for this would-be breakfast of champions. Said meat is somehow served, probably just tossed, one wiener at a time, out to the guests at their table.
Let’s Leave Aunt Jemima Out of It
In the galley, Mila is stomping around and stirring things hard. The guests think the bacon and sausages look “weird”. Reader, I am so damn hungry right now I would eat the hell out of that sausage. But the guests do not. And yet they are still hungry (as am I). As a result, they order up some pancakes. Looks like the Milove Boat is back on course again. Except. Uh oh.
The pancakes are tardy to the party. Hannah zooms down to the galley. She wants to know why is it taking so long to cook pancakes. Mila sneers that she is using the “special pancake batter” that the Americans will like. Translation, Aunt Jemima.
So, Hannah explodes and says everything Mila is producing is shit. She is serving absolute shit to guests. All true, but I wish we could get away from the topic of “producing shit” for my own, personal and inappropriate reasons. And hell yes, Hannah, let’s leave Aunt Jemima OUT of this whole miserable tale. They do a quick montage of all the bad food Mila’s made so far. Good lord, even the vanquished tacos look good to me right now.
Jack is canoodling with one of the guests. I heartily dislike this guy. And what’s with the name Jack Stirrup? It sounds like a very slight variation on Jock Strap. The Paul McCartney pouty lips and Jack’s aggressive ringlets have a Very Limited Shelf Life. Liverpool will only get you so far, Shirley Temple.
Sandy is taking the guests to a restaurant for lunch. But first, Sandy wants Jack to do something about his hair. The resultant man-bun is displeasing to mine eye.
The Ego Has Landed
It’s official. Anastasia will stand in as chef. The Last Supper for Sandy’s guests must be amazing. On learning this, Anastasia manages to be awkward and ruthlessly ambitious at the same time. Mila is summoned to the bridge. She purses her lips and looks wistfully. Afterwards, Mila tearfully confesses that her ego has taken a beating. Wait til she sees this edit.
Joao opens up to Hannah about the way he ended things with Brooke. Feelings are felt by all, even me. I’m kind of starting to believe in this remorse of Joao’s. Also, I like the new Joao / Hannah dynamic.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
The guests are starving, and so am I. Mila comes charging into the galley to lock horns with Hannah. At this point, I don’t get what Mila is even defending. The impreious air really doesn’t go far when the guests are spitting your cooking back onto their plates. The decision has been made. Anastasia will be doing the cooking. There will be no cooking by Mila. Only helping.
Meanwhile, back on deck, Captain Sandy has about had it with Jack’s Bohemian Cousin It locks hanging in his face.
“I can’t be doin’ me hair every day. I’m not having it!” Jack minces.
Mila is burrowing around in a locker. She announces that her “tolerance is not limitless”. Eyebrows arch around the world. She enters the galley and dumps a chihuahua sized piece of meat on the counter. “This is just something I want to cook for dinner,” she purrs. Hannah and Anastasia stare in amazement.
Colin is talking to his parents! They are adorable. Commercial break. Pardon me while I chug another 32 ounces of Miralax.
Captain Lee is on a commercial!
In Which Mila Feels Like Barfing
The guests continue to consume bonafide USDA edible-certified food. Mila again evinces astonishment that she is getting instructions from the third stew. “I feel like throwing up,” she drones. We all do, honey. Get in line.
As a result of this treatment, Anastasia relegates Mila to Salad Siberia. Which, if I’m being honest, is usually where they send me.
In the crew quarters, Colin very briefly becomes trapped in his own shirt. Joao has a heart to heart with Sandy about Brooke. He’s genuinely weepy about Brooke. Sandy and Joao share a power hug. Maybe Joao really has changed.
Meatballs and Meatheads
Sandy announces she will be eating dinner with the guests. As a result, Anastasia is nervous at this news. Thin slices of raw meat are lovingly places on plates with globs of foam. It looks like little dollops of Mr. Bubble bubble bath. The guests are a bit late for dinner. “The foam is already down,” gloats Mila. She is not a well-wisher.
Dinner is spaghetti and meatballs. Coincidentally, one of the guests is a Meatball Expert. With great anticipation, they begin sampling the meatballs. I am weeping with hunger, and burping Miralax, which just morphed in my mind into Milalax. This liquid diet is too cruel. Wait, though. Isn’t vodka a liquid?
Aesha is saying something I can’t understand. Again.
Ominous music is playing as the meatballs go down the little red lanes. There is momentary silence at the table. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict? We have your honor. The verdict is… our compliments to the chef”.
Anastasia is not only “winning”, she’s charming a guest who can’t believe she’s not Italian with a pretty solid “fuggeddaboudit”. Hannah says Mila is taking her demotion in stride, seemingly patient with her falling fortune… or, as Hannah says, “she’s just used to it.” Snap!
Meanwhile, the guests are disrobing to go skinny dipping. Travis muses it’s a universal love. sarcastically that there is nothing like feeling nice salty water on your peen. Then he raises one eyebrow sardonically. I Iove him.
The Myth of Russian Pancakes
Mila is suddenly, miraculously no longer dripping with disdain towards Anastasia. I guess she knows which side her bread (that she did not bake) is buttered on . She’s frying more bacon now and I’ m all AGONY. Another breakfast, and Mila is permitted to make something called Russian pancakes. It sounds like a porn name.
Except for the whole Mila thing (other than that, Mrs. Lincoln how did you like the show) the crew seems to be getting on really well together. Sandy is truly happy with both Joao and Hannah, and vice versa. People are being kind and helpful to one another. I like it.
Getting close to the end of the charter. Joao is employing his mad parking skills and receives accolades from Sandy again. The dream team is born.
Crew and guests assemble to say their goodbyes. The primary says, “The last few nights I saw you in real time making changes that made our experience so much better,” which is a pretty gracious thing to say. There’s a quick cut to Mila’s talking head. “Whatever,” she sneers.
Jack and Colin are doing some kind of interpretive dance that involves humping.
The Moment of Truth
Time for the dreaded tip meeting. Everyone is braced for the likelihood that crap food will result in a crap tip. But hey wait, it’s 18k! That is $1430 for person, about three times what they though they’d get! Someone mutters something about certain people who should give the money back. That’s not gonna happen.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Captain calls Mila to the bridge. Everyone is awaiting this firing. Sandy compliments her on her passion. Yeah, whatever. Now do it, Sandy. Mila earnestly says she really wants to show the charter she can do it.
One damn minute, Admiral. WTF? Are they NOT firing her? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
It is on this cliffhanger that we’re left, which especially annoys me with all the compulsory cliffhanging I’ve had to do today to do right by my colon.
On next week’s Below Med Recap, Mila 2: The Reckoning continues, a mangina sighting occurs in crew quarters, and tempestuous seas set some drama in motion.