By Dalai Mama
Welcome to the Below Deck Med recap. As we tune in, the chronically affable guests have left, and the crew is heading out to blow off some steam. The lucky few in the non-Mila car are unaware of the source of tension spreading like rancid mayonnaise on a hate sandwich.
Large amounts of alcohol are ordered. Joao decrees that Jezebob, his alter ego, will not be making an appearance on their first night out. He and Aesha have a little chemistry going on. They pronounce they are all about the same thing. However, they do not specify what that “thing” is. Speculate if you must.
Chefless
The chefless concocts a dead-eyed defense of her homophobic rant that I will not dignify by repeating. Her presence at the table is going over about as well as an Iron Curtain at a badminton game. The news spreads. Anastasia fills Hannah in. Hannah is shocked, and says she doesn’t want to be anywhere near Mila. No one does.
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Hannah takes Travis outside. She’s done. She won’t work with a homophobe. I start to see the irony here – Mila will get fired for her egregious wrongs, but it ain’t gonna be for her cooking. They return to the group. Word continues to spread at the table. As a result, Mila presses her thin, Russian lips together and a cold film of rage oozes over her skin. The whole evening starts to look like a Mediterranean Last Supper. The crew moves on to Club Doom Harbinger. Having sated their appetites, they are no longer angry for food, but they are angry to dance. They are dangry.
Sexy Hilter?
Mila tries to make up with Travis, but he literally brushes her off. It’s Joao’s turn to learn about Mila’s medieval opinions. We learn he’s lost a friend to suicide because of this kind of hatred. Enough. Keelhaul her or something. No one wants her anymore.
Mood back on board the yacht is grim. Aesha lightens the mood by injecting Jack’s mouth with whipped cream from a can. Jack is evincing a little too much sympathy for the homophobe. He says something about “sexy Hitler”, and I’m done with him too.
Jack and Colin are still asleep. Mila slithers over to Travis and takes a final stab at making a fake Russian apology. She says she is sorry her “opinions” hurt him. Travis says, “They didn’t hurt me. Your opinions hurt humanity.” Amen to Travis.
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Captain Sandy’s friend Jennifer Berman is returning as a charter guest.
Hannah is going to put everyone on service and orders that all glasses remain filled at all times.
Up on deck, there is a line that has to be grabbed by one of the deckies. It doesn’t go so well. Colin injures himself in some way, and apparently tumbles into the bilge. Exhausted by this spurt of activity, the deckies go inside.
Fecal Spelunking.
In the galley, Aesha fetchingly confesses some scatological secrets, and admits to doing a little fecal self-spelunking. Anastasia is amused, Jack is utterly charmed by this adorable anecdote
The stews have a meeting in which Hannah stresses the unyielding high standards of the incoming guests as Friends of Sandy.
A Water Bike is delivered that must be assembled immediately. There seem to be no or very minimal instructions for assembly. The deckies stare at the boxed BIkea in dismay, like it’s a three-dimensional model of ovaries and fallopian tubes.
The guests arrive. Jennifer is excited to see Sandy, and vice versa. I get a damp, unpleasant feeling whenever I see Jennifer.
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Joao does his thing and the Sirroco gets itself unparked and underway. Sandy is happy. She feels that Joao cares. The guests are jazzed to see Sandy being all Captainy. They think she looks cute in the wheelhouse. The crew is zipping around, getting things done with High Standards.
Something Is Fishy.
They drop anchor in Cannes. Mila glowers at the meal. She is “not a big crab fan” but you have to know how to make it, she advises, as she literally pops open two dented cans of crab.
Back on the Lido deck, Travis blunders by consulting the BIkea instructions.
Jennifer the primary takes a bite of crab and convulses in repulsion. Another guest politely observes that the crab is “a little fishy”, by which I do not think she is implicating it in a crime. “Super fishy”, she adds. Great, just staple a bunch of little capes to the chunks, and we’ll have us a new cartoon for Nickelodeon. Meanwhile, the boys finally complete the BIkea, and plop it into the water. It is, as advertised, a water bicycle. I really want one, and I’m not a cycling fan.
The guests summon Sandy to the table, who stands mortician style with hands clasped in front of her as Jennifer delivers the post-mortem on lunch. Sandy glowers in her talking head, and poses the ageless philosophical question. “Did we buy bad fish? Or was this MILA?”
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Sandy strolls into the gallery and addresses the chefless in her Dangerously Dulcet Indoor Voice. “Mila. Okay, so we have a problem,” she says. “Noooo!” exclaims the cook. She is incensed to learn she ordered “fresh shrimps” but got “frozen shrimps from Vietnam”. Well of course. Frozen shrimp are NOT NATURAL. At least Mila’s son has been spared the sight of said frozen shrimps kissing one another like animals.
Ahoy, Walter Mitty.
Mila dismisses the failure of the meal by wheezing, “If it is not a good quality, what can you do about it?” Sandy orders Anastasia to assist Mila in the complex and fraught task of making grilled cheese sandwiches for Jennifer and her ilk.
Jack is in full Walter Mitty fantasy mode, describing his desire to zoom around on the jet ski with a bottle of champagne, chugging the bubbles then tossing the bottle into the waves. Gosh, Ocean, with friends like these, who needs anemones?
The toys are in the water. Travis has his eye on Hannah. At this point, I think the Universe ought to be giving Travis anything he desires.
So it’s official. It is stated on camera that, “Not only is Mila a homophobe, she also can officially not cook.” Chef Boyardee must concur. Hannah suggests Anastasia stay in the galley at all times. Sandy likes this suggestion. She says Hannah has drive and focus this season. I’m alarmed to confess I must agree.
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It’s almost Meala time again, so Anastasia suggests a citrus carpaccio grapefruit orange with raspberry seasalt and microgreens. It sounds frakkin’ amazing. In Mila’s talking head she’s all curled lip, sneering, “Fruit? Really?”
Mila has a bit of a weeper in the closet. In the ensuing outcry of compassion, a deafening silence envelops the world. Jack makes a flimsily salacious comment about eating, and Travis shuts him down with a single note of disdain. I want to build a monument to Travis right now.
All About Eve.
The smoker guest has become irascible and is shouting Ramona Singeresque demands. Drink! Lighter! Ashtray! The ashtray is located underneath her right buttock.
Anastasia is evincing a little bit of attitude in her talking head, to the effect that she ALWAYS ends up in the galley on whatever boat she crews. It’s like this is the nautical remake of “All About Eve” when the understudy messes with Bette Davis’ car so she’ll miss her performance and Eve can go on. But oh well.
Aesha makes sex jokes to Jack that Colin does not understand. I love Colin. However, Jack is raising the art of under-performance to new flaccid heights.
It’s a formal dinner, so Jen has brought high-tech vibrators for everyone. Aesha wants one.
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Aesha watches on the spy-cam anxiously as the guests taste the citrus carpaccio. Therefore, the team really needs this win, Coach! The words “good” and “very good” are used. A grateful nation weeps with relief.
Hannah is working double-time now that she’s partially down a stew. Joao offers to help, much to Hannah’s surprise. After that, she declares,“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually getting along with Joao. I don’t want to punch him in the face every time I look at him.” I could not agree more.
Mandatory Masturbation.
Anastasia is moving mountains in the kitchen, and prevents Mila from burning the entree. Mila is overcome with gratitude, saying, “Well now I have the third stewardess telling me what to do. But I am the staff, and I am the one who is cooking. So fuck off.” The evening continues in this vein.
Dinner is served as the guests discuss mandatory masturbation. Jack claims their smutty remarks have inspired him to fly at half-mast.
One guest claims the steak is “dry”. The other guests argue that it is “fine”. Now the guests want to cook the next meal. Above all, Sandy wants to know, “why me”?
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap, a female guest rubs up on Jack, Travis calls Mila a dickhead, Captain Sandy comforts Joao, and no one likes Anastasia’s food either.
Love me some Dalai Mama! “With friends like these who needs sea anemones” – CLASSIC!
“The toys are in the water.” I feel that sentence perfectly encapsulates my life right now. But my toys are not supposed to BE in the water. UGH. Also. It’s all my fault this post is late. I’m sorry. My toys were in the water.
It’s okay TT. We luhs you anyway.
@Navymommy Yes we do! We do! Toys in the water be damned.
Brilliant line!
Thanks, Mama, for another witty recap. This is THE all kinds of crazy charter. Can’t wait for next week. If that, ahem, chef served canned seafood, not only did she not walk past a Cordon Bleu, she just read about it in a random magazine and stole the pictures for her fraudulent resume. Find the nearest Nimitz class and keelhaul the wretch. She is seriously fucking with the crew’s money.
When is Ben coming back?
She has to be a plant. This cannot be real…
I too feel like this is an excuse to bring Ben back
Agree! He’s a great chef but his fits R legendary. He’s moody as all get out! We need some fireworks in the galley. I wonder if he’s ever worked with Joao? We all know how much he luvs to chase tail. We remember him & Bugsy,I might have her name wrong.The 2nd stew that thought she was the 2nd coming! LMAO If I have my facts crossed I’m sure someone will set me str8. Lol
“BIkea” Haha! Another great recap!
Last night on WWHL, Hannah confirmed Mila was not Cordon Bleu trained (No!!!), and that “her” food pictures were actually from the Cordon Bleu site, as shown by reverse google.
BIkea! When they opened the box, just like an IKEA experience, funny stuff written here by the Dalia Mama.
PS. I do not one of those water bikes. Did you see how much pedaling was involved to move a few feet? I’d rather float in the water and kick now and then…
@ Kipper. Thank you! They seemed genuinely flummoxed.
All about Eve is my favorite film of all time! .Mila needs to go. I cannot deal with her piss poor attitude stank face & homophobic rhetoric. Loving Travis & Hannah this season. Colin remains a cherubic presence & all about sweetheart. Great recap.
@marc Was it you with whom I previously bonded over Edie Beale (Big & Little)? And now All About Eve? My best friend in middle school was Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s daughter, Alex. (She was 12, he was about 70). Mankiewicz was notoriously prickly, but he loved me because I was the only 7th grader he’d ever met who was obsessed with old movies. I got to hold his All About Eve Oscar in my hot little hands, and flip through the original film script, AND touch the “Sarah Siddons Award” prop, which he had under glass in his living room. Those were the days.
Amazing!
These guests may not be paying full price for this yachting vacation, but they are still paying. I’d be really ticked off if I were the Primary.
I mean, I love grilled cheese because I’m human, but if I paid lots of money for a private yacht, I’d expect it to be something I couldn’t make at home with half a bottle of wine in me.
“Great, just staple a bunch of little capes to the chunks, and we’ll have us a new cartoon for Nickelodeon.”
?
@allaboutheidi1 They’ve already made cartoons based on grosser premises, right?
I now know that apparently I can be a “chef” on a yacht. I mean can make tacos with old El Paso shells and sauce…and even better….not a homophobe…so better than what Mila is serving.
Yes.. and don’t forget the easymac!
I want the “LIKE” buttons back! So much to like on this post! Love you, TT and hope life is better and better every day for you.
When Mika opened that can of seafood all I could here was “tell em’ Charlie sent ya”. Those of you in their 40’s may remember the Starkist commercials. At least Starkist wasn’t slimy.
BAHAHAHAHA LMAO ?
Because I own a can-opener, I am putting Cordon Bleu chef on my resume.
Except Charlie had more class in his left fin than Mila has in her whole body and mane.
What a great re-cap. For the first time ever, your writing may inspire me to watch this #show again. It had become so formulaic that it was boring. Still dislike Sandy and Hannah and I do hope they get rid of Mila so everything isn’t about homophobia. Thanks-great enjoyable recap.
I can’t stand Captain Sandy. But she seems somehow more bearable this season.
I thought it was just me but I feel the same abt Capt Sandy. Now watching her friends as guests is going to bite her in the a_s. Yes Mila sucks but her friend is a sloppy drunk.Though they pay a pretty penny, I have a gut feeling by what we have seen, nothing will satisfy her food wise! ?
I knew she was a fraud from day 1.Which self respecting chef adds Ranch dsg to Hamburgers, then proceeds to push them of as a work of art! A real chef wud make his/her own special sauce! I cudn’t believe my eyes! I knew right off the bat she was phoney! Hell she’s probably not from Russia, just Vietnam & learned Russian due to multiple occupations in that country. She’s very toxic & bc of that she has found herself to be in self inflicted exile! I don’t even want to think how Capt Sandy is going to feel when she hears what she said abt the LGBTQ COMMUNITY.
What makes you think she’s from Vietnam? Did I miss something?
I LOVE Vietnamese food! I’m not sure how that is supposed to be an insult. ?
I believe she mentioned Vietnam in her background. I wud not consider it an insult although I don’t think ur addressing me. We R a strong military family, with many in our family that have served. Vietnam had suffered many occupations. Trying to make sense of the confusion. And yes their food is delish!
I believe the only time she mentioned Vietnam was to say she ordered fresh shrimp but she received frozen shrimp from Vietnam instead. If I’m not mistaken, Vietnam was a French colony many years ago before the communist took over. I’m not aware of Russia ever occupying Vietnam so your comment was a little confusing.
I feel bad for the guests. I think I could make better meals than Mila and I’m literally incompetent when it comes to food. My man is legit Le Cordon Bleu trained. (I’ve seen the paperwork/loans!) I quit cooking when I met him because he makes everything so beyond delicious, beautiful, and gourmet. I have a hard time believing she’s real because my man can’t even make a snack without plating it to look like something special.
Part of my enjoyment of watching this show was smoking one and watching all of the beautimous food. I have lost total interest in this and won’t watch it again until this chef leaves. It is boring and really just irritating. Hope they don’t keep her too much longer, viewers are getting bored and finding other options. I do love the rest of the crew except the lazy deckhand. Chef needs to go. Yawn.
Exactly!!!
Plus the homophobic rant — and Hitler references???
Just NO.
Whoever produces this crap is asleep at the wheel.
I love this cast (except for MILA) but Aesha’s voice is so annoying! I can’t stand it – although I do love her
SO impressed with Joao. He has come a long way. He even looks more handsome with that added seriousness has now with more responsibilities. Love this season!
I fast forwarded through this garbage talk. Bravo has totally jumped the shark. Mila is obviously a plant by production/producers. There’s no way they hire a chef who microwaves food and puts chips on a plate for “nachos” and forgets the cheese???? Chips on a plate is bad enough but no cheese is like bizarre.
TRASH.TRASH.TRASH.
It’s also boring.
Who wants to watch this crap?
Fast forwarding through disgusting talk and vomit and just YUCK.
It’s all fake.
I think Bravo’s fakeness is showing.
@Cate Hmmm. Apparently I want to watch this crap. Do not underestimate the power of Schadenfreude. But you sound unhappy, and I would wish that you were not so. Here is some wisdom I have gleaned from many crap Bravo shows, pearls of wisdom that have dropped from the artificially plumped mouths of reality broads in the hopes of making others feel better: 1) Take a Xanax; 2) Go the (censored) to sleep; 3) Get a hobby; 4) Be a well-wisher; 5) Go back into the cabinet you came out of; 6) Mention it all; 7) Don’t be all, like, uncool; 8) Don’t listen to the well-meaning morons. Above all, have compassion for yourself. Remember, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.
This reply though!!!!! ????
I have loved words since childhood; when I discover a TRUE WORDSMITH — not Phaedra Parks — I am in Heaven. The wonderfulness of DaliaMama’s writing far exceeds the miserableness of Chefgate. Thank you DM for the weekly delight.
I can’t believe that I find myself really liking Hannah and Joao this season. Even Capt. Sandy is more likeable. Just when Hannah had two competent and likeable stews … one ends up in the galley.
The “chef” HAS TO BE a plant. More important than education would be references from legitimate chefs— can the star student* perform in the real kitchen? — and we know Mila cannot. I wish Adam or Ben would save the show … Er, the day.
Colin has posted raps for the first two episodes on his IG. No third yet, but I hope he continues.
*REAL students, not liars.
@Nanette Right on, girlfriend!
I don’t understand why Captain Sandy didn’t do a back ground check on Mila. Why wouldn’t she call the school to see if she graduated and references?! Wtf! Mila blames the shrimp but doesn’t say anything about the can crab. I’m hoping we only have one more episode of Mila and the real Chef comes in. I love Travis, I wish there were more people like Travis and less like Mila. I feel for her son. She must have been a cook in a Russian prison.
You do get that Captain Sandy is a CAST MEMBER and has no authority to hire or fire anyone. When she fires the chef it is IN THE SCRIPT. The only real thing she does is drive the boat.
Yes I am aware, but imo she looks foolish for talking about the resume in the first place.
“Scatalogical secrets”, “fecal self-spelunking”?!! Jesus, no wonder no one has an appetite!
Wonderful to read another one of your recaps, Dalai Mama! As one of your biggest fans, I know I’m in for a good read and a good laugh. Due to life sticking its annoying head into my business, and forcing reality to tear me away from my TV, I haven’t had a chance to see any of this season’s episodes yet. Can’t wait to see how awful this new chef is. I’ll have some really good binge-watching to look forward to, hopefully before too long.
@EnglishRose Thank you! You’re my favorite flower.
Colin answered my question: He will be doing a rap after every pisode. #3 is up.
Did I miss the tip envelope?
I should have said I did miss their tip scene, does anyone know how much they recieved?
Unless I missed something, the charter didn’t end in this episode.
I probably should have asked this question on the previous recap because I did know this charter wasn’t over but while reading and watching this episode it occurred to me that I didn’t remember the first charter guests leaving the boat, the envelope or tip amount. Lol, flight of thoughts, thanks everyone for the help, I’ll take all I can get!
Hahahah I’m right there with ya!
Only for the first charter. I think it was $1,300 or $1,350 USD. Sandy’s group of friends will end their charter on E4. I wonder if they get an extra discount for being guinea pigs for the new crew.
Thank you!
You are welcome. Because you couldn’t bear to watch Chefgate AGAIN just to get to the tip part.
Whilst my opinions are the polar opposite to Mila’s when it comes to sexual preference, it’s a reflection on society when we can’t or won’t, tolerate an opinion that differs to our own.
Debate and discussion seem to have been lost, in exchange for anger and contempt. I completely understand why the crew is upset but choosing to deal with it the way that they did was reminiscent of the school playground.
Simply getting upset with someone and in effect, telling them that they’re an idiot will not help in trying to get them to see your perspective. All that will result is that the public will see you as ‘the good guy’ and you’ll get more social media followers.
Call me cynical but I don’t think that it was a coincidence that Hannah wanted to jump on that bandwagon! She’s a smart girl and her brain was thinking ‘time to get more followers’ as opposed to being a true and genuine ally. She was unprofessional in the way that she was gossip mongering and getting other crew members to turn again Mila. That is bullying! She is in a position of authority and should set by example.
Jack…oh Jack. It’s clear that the poor thing has a drink problem and I don’t think that it’s responsible for the production crew to have kept him on. I believe that if was his hand that they showed with the DT’s a couple of episodes ago and pouring himself a liquor to calm it. Maybe I’ve got it wrong but I do believe it was him. He’s on a yacht, doing manual work and could harm himself or others. It’s sad what producers will do for viewer ratings at the expense of someone’s credibility.
@Tally – Opine as you will (look Ma, I’m tolerating!), but it is part of the fabric of democracy, whether a political system or the democracy of humanism, to speak up in the defense of all people, regardless of race, religion, creed, or sexual orientation. In our current political climate, there is movement to strip the LGBTQ community of certain legal protections. Many people, myself included, feel it is important to make it clear that this is not acceptable, whether through the power of our vote, the way we spend our money, or how we respond when someone sitting next to us makes a homophobic comment. That’s my position, and I’m not going to comment on it again.
Love reading the comments. What I am going to write will not be popular but I believe other people feel the same way. I don’t agree with everything Mila says by far but I do feel the same way in the sense that I really don’t want to see gay men or gay women kissing. It is just something I would rather not see. I lost a loved one to AIDS so I am not against gays and lesbians. I would not openly talk to strangers about this topic as Mila did and not expect backlash. She obviously is obtuse besides being a bad cook. I am older and part of a different generation than the more open generation now. I am holding my opinion on Joao and Hannah too early in the season yet to decide. They were horrible last season. I think their true colors will come out. Capt. Sandy likes Joao a.little too much. It just seems a little odd.