By Dalai Mama
Welcome to the Below Deck Med recap. As we tune in, the chronically affable guests have left, and the crew is heading out to blow off some steam. The lucky few in the non-Mila car are unaware of the source of tension spreading like rancid mayonnaise on a hate sandwich.
Large amounts of alcohol are ordered. Joao decrees that Jezebob, his alter ego, will not be making an appearance on their first night out. He and Aesha have a little chemistry going on. They pronounce they are all about the same thing. However, they do not specify what that “thing” is. Speculate if you must.
The chefless concocts a dead-eyed defense of her homophobic rant that I will not dignify by repeating. Her presence at the table is going over about as well as an Iron Curtain at a badminton game. The news spreads. Anastasia fills Hannah in. Hannah is shocked, and says she doesn’t want to be anywhere near Mila. No one does.
Hannah takes Travis outside. She’s done. She won’t work with a homophobe. I start to see the irony here – Mila will get fired for her egregious wrongs, but it ain’t gonna be for her cooking. They return to the group. Word continues to spread at the table. As a result, Mila presses her thin, Russian lips together and a cold film of rage oozes over her skin. The whole evening starts to look like a Mediterranean Last Supper. The crew moves on to Club Doom Harbinger. Having sated their appetites, they are no longer angry for food, but they are angry to dance. They are dangry.
Mila tries to make up with Travis, but he literally brushes her off. It’s Joao’s turn to learn about Mila’s medieval opinions. We learn he’s lost a friend to suicide because of this kind of hatred. Enough. Keelhaul her or something. No one wants her anymore.
Mood back on board the yacht is grim. Aesha lightens the mood by injecting Jack’s mouth with whipped cream from a can. Jack is evincing a little too much sympathy for the homophobe. He says something about “sexy Hitler”, and I’m done with him too.
Jack and Colin are still asleep. Mila slithers over to Travis and takes a final stab at making a fake Russian apology. She says she is sorry her “opinions” hurt him. Travis says, “They didn’t hurt me. Your opinions hurt humanity.” Amen to Travis.
Captain Sandy’s friend Jennifer Berman is returning as a charter guest.
Hannah is going to put everyone on service and orders that all glasses remain filled at all times.
Up on deck, there is a line that has to be grabbed by one of the deckies. It doesn’t go so well. Colin injures himself in some way, and apparently tumbles into the bilge. Exhausted by this spurt of activity, the deckies go inside.
In the galley, Aesha fetchingly confesses some scatological secrets, and admits to doing a little fecal self-spelunking. Anastasia is amused, Jack is utterly charmed by this adorable anecdote
The stews have a meeting in which Hannah stresses the unyielding high standards of the incoming guests as Friends of Sandy.
A Water Bike is delivered that must be assembled immediately. There seem to be no or very minimal instructions for assembly. The deckies stare at the boxed BIkea in dismay, like it’s a three-dimensional model of ovaries and fallopian tubes.
The guests arrive. Jennifer is excited to see Sandy, and vice versa. I get a damp, unpleasant feeling whenever I see Jennifer.
Joao does his thing and the Sirroco gets itself unparked and underway. Sandy is happy. She feels that Joao cares. The guests are jazzed to see Sandy being all Captainy. They think she looks cute in the wheelhouse. The crew is zipping around, getting things done with High Standards.
Something Is Fishy.
They drop anchor in Cannes. Mila glowers at the meal. She is “not a big crab fan” but you have to know how to make it, she advises, as she literally pops open two dented cans of crab.
Back on the Lido deck, Travis blunders by consulting the BIkea instructions.
Jennifer the primary takes a bite of crab and convulses in repulsion. Another guest politely observes that the crab is “a little fishy”, by which I do not think she is implicating it in a crime. “Super fishy”, she adds. Great, just staple a bunch of little capes to the chunks, and we’ll have us a new cartoon for Nickelodeon. Meanwhile, the boys finally complete the BIkea, and plop it into the water. It is, as advertised, a water bicycle. I really want one, and I’m not a cycling fan.
The guests summon Sandy to the table, who stands mortician style with hands clasped in front of her as Jennifer delivers the post-mortem on lunch. Sandy glowers in her talking head, and poses the ageless philosophical question. “Did we buy bad fish? Or was this MILA?”
Sandy strolls into the gallery and addresses the chefless in her Dangerously Dulcet Indoor Voice. “Mila. Okay, so we have a problem,” she says. “Noooo!” exclaims the cook. She is incensed to learn she ordered “fresh shrimps” but got “frozen shrimps from Vietnam”. Well of course. Frozen shrimp are NOT NATURAL. At least Mila’s son has been spared the sight of said frozen shrimps kissing one another like animals.
Ahoy, Walter Mitty.
Mila dismisses the failure of the meal by wheezing, “If it is not a good quality, what can you do about it?” Sandy orders Anastasia to assist Mila in the complex and fraught task of making grilled cheese sandwiches for Jennifer and her ilk.
Jack is in full Walter Mitty fantasy mode, describing his desire to zoom around on the jet ski with a bottle of champagne, chugging the bubbles then tossing the bottle into the waves. Gosh, Ocean, with friends like these, who needs anemones?
The toys are in the water. Travis has his eye on Hannah. At this point, I think the Universe ought to be giving Travis anything he desires.
So it’s official. It is stated on camera that, “Not only is Mila a homophobe, she also can officially not cook.” Chef Boyardee must concur. Hannah suggests Anastasia stay in the galley at all times. Sandy likes this suggestion. She says Hannah has drive and focus this season. I’m alarmed to confess I must agree.
It’s almost Meala time again, so Anastasia suggests a citrus carpaccio grapefruit orange with raspberry seasalt and microgreens. It sounds frakkin’ amazing. In Mila’s talking head she’s all curled lip, sneering, “Fruit? Really?”
Mila has a bit of a weeper in the closet. In the ensuing outcry of compassion, a deafening silence envelops the world. Jack makes a flimsily salacious comment about eating, and Travis shuts him down with a single note of disdain. I want to build a monument to Travis right now.
All About Eve.
The smoker guest has become irascible and is shouting Ramona Singeresque demands. Drink! Lighter! Ashtray! The ashtray is located underneath her right buttock.
Anastasia is evincing a little bit of attitude in her talking head, to the effect that she ALWAYS ends up in the galley on whatever boat she crews. It’s like this is the nautical remake of “All About Eve” when the understudy messes with Bette Davis’ car so she’ll miss her performance and Eve can go on. But oh well.
Aesha makes sex jokes to Jack that Colin does not understand. I love Colin. However, Jack is raising the art of under-performance to new flaccid heights.
It’s a formal dinner, so Jen has brought high-tech vibrators for everyone. Aesha wants one.
Aesha watches on the spy-cam anxiously as the guests taste the citrus carpaccio. Therefore, the team really needs this win, Coach! The words “good” and “very good” are used. A grateful nation weeps with relief.
Hannah is working double-time now that she’s partially down a stew. Joao offers to help, much to Hannah’s surprise. After that, she declares,“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually getting along with Joao. I don’t want to punch him in the face every time I look at him.” I could not agree more.
Anastasia is moving mountains in the kitchen, and prevents Mila from burning the entree. Mila is overcome with gratitude, saying, “Well now I have the third stewardess telling me what to do. But I am the staff, and I am the one who is cooking. So fuck off.” The evening continues in this vein.
Dinner is served as the guests discuss mandatory masturbation. Jack claims their smutty remarks have inspired him to fly at half-mast.
One guest claims the steak is “dry”. The other guests argue that it is “fine”. Now the guests want to cook the next meal. Above all, Sandy wants to know, “why me”?
Next week on the Below Deck Med Recap, a female guest rubs up on Jack, Travis calls Mila a dickhead, Captain Sandy comforts Joao, and no one likes Anastasia’s food either.