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You are here: Home / Below Deck / Below Deck Med Recap: Recipe For Disaster

Below Deck Med Recap: Recipe For Disaster

June 11, 2019 by tamaratattles 59 Comments

Below Deck Med RecapBy Dalai Mama

Welcome to the HMS Below Deck Med Recap. Come aboard. We’re expecting you. We begin with a little rehash of the Great Taco Skirmish of ’19. Hannah affirms that communication with Captain Sandy is going to be priority this season. Therefore, Hannah is appointing herself Chief Taster. Not so much as a single sea cucumber ovary is going to get to the guests without going through Hannah first.

Beach Blanket Bingo

The guests are up for a little beach blanket bingo. They continue to be chronically affable about everything. Colin and Aesha are proving themselves to be efficient and charming. But oops, I did it again. Where the heck is the giggle water? The guests are unfazed by the prospect of drinking non-alcoholic margaritas on the beach. Meanwhile in the galley, Hannah is informed that the tequila has been inadvertently left behind. Isn’t it a little too soon to revisit the someone forgot to send the alcohol to the beach story? But wait, Hannah seems to be blaming herself for the omission. We’ll chalk this one up to nautical growth.
Joao is mooning over Brooke. Oh, there they are on Instagram. I do not speak Instagram. I am perplexed by this. Life is perplexing.

Be All That You Can Chef Boyardee

Captain Sandy consults the Lite Brite she’s got stashed in the wheelhouse and hazards a professional forecast. There is weather coming. She scrutinizes the sky and muses that perhaps the rain will “go up.” Certainly it will, if it sees what’s going on in the galley.

Travis expresses dissatisfaction with the overabundance of bureaucracy he perceives rampant in the system.

Click Here for More Below Deck Med Recaps

Mila is thinking Italian food as her next crack at culinary manslaughter. Presumably she’ll just crack open a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni and be done with it. But Poseidon is not about to let this slide. The heavens darken, the storm clouds lower, thunder belches itself across the sky, and then we see evidence of the coming apocalypse. Random crew members are sampling Mila’s cooking.

Below Deck Med RecapBlame The Ham Game

Travis expresses dissatisfaction with something else. I feel like a different guy plays Travis in every scene. I always have to figure out who he is by deduction.

Meanwhile, in the galley, the Chef does not want to play the ham game. There is no Slicing Machine on board. The prosciutto cannot be besmirched in thick slices.  The Captain appears, speaking soothingly in her dulcet Kindergarten Cop voice. “Let’s just try to slice it,” she coos. “Shall we try?” You see, the woman in white was brought up in the meat business. Her mad skills include slaughter, skin, and hang. You’d think that would give the chef pause.

Tamara will be pleased to learn that Sandy observes frankly that she never liked being in the meat shop.

Let Them Eat Cake

The mood in the galley has turned grim. A guest needs A Cake, but there is no Easy-Bake Oven on board. It remains on shore, in the Below Deck warehouse, next to the ham-slicing machine. Mila whips something up, a simple golden cake with an Ajax filling, for whiter teeth. Sample tasting is not going well. Someone better run down to the Seven Eleven and get the guests a couple of Suzy Qs and some Ding Dongs.

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(Dear Reader – from this point in, my recap mysteriously deleted itself from my computer. I am recreating it hastily, through a haze of tears.)
Nyet, this cake is fine, drones Mila. Guests will eat. When Mila was girl in Chefingrad, they lived in a box in the road and had to clean the road every morning with their tongues. It tasted fine, and so does this. Guests must stop being girly-men and suck it up. It will put hair on their chests.

Full Court Tort Martial

Hannah invokes a Tort Martial, and brings the case before the captain. The cake is tasted and summarily rejected by the authorities. Will this spell doom for our gallant crew? Are they steaming on the course of fate toward an icing-berg dead ahead? But wait! Anastasia has secret mad skills, and one of them is baking! She whips a little this, blends a little that. Houston, we have pastry.
The chronically affable guests are thrilled with their dessert. Hannah lets slip that Anastasia is the mystery baker. Our non-baking chef is apoplectic. “When there is a chef on a boat, who will ask who cook the food?” she rages. Well, I mean, if the chef is YOU…

Below Deck RecapHMS MacArthur Park

Meanwhile, though the stormy weather has now passed, Mila sits forlornly lost in imaginary song. Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don’t think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it. And I’ll never have that recipe again… Sandy has a word with the errant foodie about the quality of her work henceforth. Mila sits sulking. She’s giving off the attitude of “I don’t get out of bed for less than ten thousand dollars,” but let’s face it, comrade. The proof is in the Putin.
It’s almost docking time. Fun fact: sometimes when I’m feeling blue, I watch compilation videos of yachts crashing on YouTube. So anyway, Joao has made a little sketch of where all the ropey things go, which he’d like the captain to approve before docking. It’s rather sweet and disarming, and I remain confused and resentful in the face of this kinder, gentler Joao. He nails the docking, or the landing, or the parking, or whatever it’s called.

Madam Blovary

It’s that time again. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. I truly love these guests. Look at them! The primary is actually moved to tears. Stews are crying. Deckies are tearing up. Even I am getting choked up a little. Mila sneers and bloviates, “The Russian man do not cry.” I’m thinking the Russian man do not tolerate a filling of boric acid in their cake either, but whatever.

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Mila switches gears and starts selling her sexy self hard. She’s making her bid to win over the boys with an impromptu in-cabin beer delivery and newly poofed up hair, a la Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza. Guileless and morally bankrupt, the boys heap praise on her.
Having tossed the guests, we now come to my favorite part of each episode – boat flipping, in which All the Things Are Cleaned. I want to clean all the things. I want to clean them now. She who cleans all her things is the master of her domain.
Aesha is sporting her very first Vodka tampon. Someone please ping the Health Department. Or the Hayes Commission. Please.

Пока Felicinska (Buh-bye Russian Felicia)

And here we go – the nuclear bomb of a little scene that is probably the reason why my first recap was vaporized. In one car, Joao, Hannah, Colin and Blonde Stew One (genuinely not sure which is which here) are full of jocularity and mirth. In the second car,
Mila presses her thin Russian lips together and declares herself to be a proud and unrepentant homophobe. “I don’t want my son to be growing up and seeing two men kissing each other and thinking this is normal,” she bleats. Jack the Placebo Beatle and Blonde Stew Two both giggle nervously at Mila’s hate speech, but Travis visibly fumes. He tells Mila to shut the fuck up and proceeds to open a can of whoop ass on her. “Your opinion on gays shows your opinion on humanity, which is fucking terrible, and I don’t support it.” Travis zooms to the pinnacles of my estimation in this scene. I have both trans people and gay people in my immediate family, and I’m not having this. Ms Kolomeitseva better be walking the plank in the very near future. Travis, honey, I’ma buy you a drink.
On next week’s Below Deck Med Recap, a large package is delivered, and it isn’t Joao’s. A culinary mutiny is afoot. Someone sustains an injury, maybe.The Vomiting Gourmet opens some more cans to dump on plates, and the crew turns against her.

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Filed Under: Below Deck Tagged With: Aesha Scott, Anastasia Surmava, Below Deck Med, Below Deck Mediterranean, Captain Sandy Yawn, Colin Macy-O'Toole, Hannah Ferrier, Jack Stirrup, João Franco, Mila Kolomeitseva, Travis Michalzik

About tamaratattles

Come for the tea. Stay for the shade. Not for the easily offended. You're a special snowflake just like everyone else.

Comments

  1. GertieKat says

    June 11, 2019 at 1:47 pm

    Professional lite-bright and an Ajax filling! Priceless!

    I’m ready for Mila the meal destroyer to be tossed overboard with her Costco size can of baking soda tied to her leg. Take your knives and go.

    Reply
    • Landy says

      June 11, 2019 at 2:16 pm

      This recap had me in stitches! Your wit and puns are perfectly paired together, and really help express what everyone else is thinking!
      I’m surprised with how sweet and caring Joao seems this season, it’s almost like he edited his personality. It’s too early to tell what pairings might happen this season, but I feel like Hannah and Joao are trading signals…
      Mila keeps on shocking me, I can’t believe it just keeps getting worse and worse! I’m so glad that Travis stopped her right then and there, we need more people on TV like him who immediately stand up against homophobia, instead of just going along with! I know it’s not easy, but he’s setting a great example. Cheers to him!
      I look forward to next week’s recap!

      Reply
      • Shari says

        June 11, 2019 at 2:29 pm

        We need more people in the WORLD who immediately stand up against homophobia and racism. And let’s face it, these days, we could use a whole bunch of those people in our government. Le sigh.

        Reply
        • SuzyJane says

          June 11, 2019 at 2:50 pm

          Travis was furious and I was cheering him on in his diatribe!! He wasn’t casually appalled or giving a sideline shake of the head. Nope. He was full on Fuck You and the Putin you rode in on and I was loving it!!!!

          Reply
          • Dalai Mama says

            June 11, 2019 at 5:41 pm

            Cheers to all the above! Let’s hope Travis is feeling the love right now, and that Mila… isn’t.

            Reply
  2. Kristie says

    June 11, 2019 at 1:59 pm

    I’m so sorry your original recap tanked. I would not have been the wiser if you didn’t mention it. This was wonderful. Can’t wait to watch the show tonight! Also, I wish the cook ( not chef) was fired by Tylor.

    Reply
    • Kristie says

      June 11, 2019 at 3:04 pm

      Or Travis.

      Reply
    • kdwagz says

      June 11, 2019 at 9:19 pm

      I also thought your recap was amazing! I need to put the closed caption on for this show. Some of dialogue I just can’t make out.

      Reply
  3. SuzyJane says

    June 11, 2019 at 2:52 pm

    Oh, and I can not wait to see how Sandy handles finding out she has a homophobic bitch onboard.

    Reply
    • Bridgett says

      June 11, 2019 at 9:29 pm

      I hope someone lets it slip to Sandy!

      Reply
  4. MissSpud says

    June 11, 2019 at 2:59 pm

    I was reading this (covertly) in the middle of a corporate training session. I had to suppress my roars of laughter. “The proof is in the Putin.” Priceless.

    Cheers Dalai Lama for a great recap. I refuse to watch the actual show, I just come here for the recaps.

    Reply
  5. squir says

    June 11, 2019 at 3:06 pm

    Am I the only one who got the ham game reference??

    Reply
    • Jim says

      June 11, 2019 at 4:48 pm

      Apparently so. Please explain to those of us who don’t get it.

      Reply
      • squir says

        June 11, 2019 at 5:43 pm

        it was a game the Manzo boys played on NJ Housewives. You kinda had to be there.

        Reply
        • Deb in SF says

          June 12, 2019 at 4:54 am

          Not just the Manzo boys; Lauren played the ham game too. So, who said “l don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.”? It sparked a memory but not a clear one. Great recap!

          Reply
          • RubyLuby says

            June 12, 2019 at 8:52 am

            Don’t blast me if I am wrong, but was it Kenya about her baby?

            Reply
          • Dalai Mama says

            June 12, 2019 at 11:16 am

            Deb, it was Linda Evangelista who made the now infamous 10k remark. And she meant it.

            Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 11, 2019 at 5:28 pm

      I’m so in love with you for getting it, Squir. I don’t know why I find the Ham Game so relentlessly hilarious, but I do.

      Reply
      • squir says

        June 11, 2019 at 5:41 pm

        I have been watching Bravo Shows for wayyyyy to long.

        Reply
  6. Navymommy says

    June 11, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    Chefistan?!!!!!!! *dead*. Mad props for the song lyrics woven through the recap that I actually know. And the puns. Great job Mama! You made it nice and hysterical. Again.

    Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 11, 2019 at 6:39 pm

      Shucks – thank you, Navymommy.

      Reply
  7. Nanette says

    June 11, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    Every season I wonder who TF hires these crewpeople. After seeing the interior, I was optimistically thinking that because the cruise price has gone up so has the hiring process. But the “CHEF” has disavowed me of that. Her bona fides must be fake. Perhaps she went to a cooking school in France that is on par with bartending school Stateside. An expensive insider joke. NOT ONE cook or chef I’ve ever known, from “lowly” greasy spoon uneducated single moms to CIA-grad assistant to Julia Child, would have put out that food. Again. Everyone cannot be an expert in EVERYTHING, such as pastry, but just to get ACCEPTED to Cordon Bleu a cook needs to have skills. No way could she have passed the knife skills class! When Capt. Sandy pulled up images of “her” food, she said “that’s not mine.” REALLY!? The Ratatouille continues. I won’t touch her hateful remarks but to say Travis is my hero. So is DalaiMama.

    Reply
  8. bmw says

    June 11, 2019 at 3:55 pm

    “The proof is in the Putin” OMG I can’t stop laughing. Great, and funny as hell re-cap.

    Reply
    • micmac says

      June 12, 2019 at 12:35 pm

      Love that line. Gonna steal it and somehow use it.

      Reply
  9. marc says

    June 11, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    Travis is a staunch character ( my all time favorite Edie Beale quote ) Your recap was all that & a bag of chips. Rock on ! The chef needs to go. C. Bleu trained ; hardly. Absolute Ursulla the sea hag. Most hateful cast member of all time. Well , with the exception of T Rav & David Eason ( alias Lurch )

    Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 11, 2019 at 5:38 pm

      ANY friend of Edie Beale’s is a friend of mine! You know, I call Jerry the Marble Faun! (But I don’t like women in skirts.)

      Reply
  10. GertieKat says

    June 11, 2019 at 4:12 pm

    At least chef Leon on Below Deck original made brownies from, to quote Kate, “his sous chef, Betty Crocker”.

    Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 11, 2019 at 7:51 pm

      Oh golly – you know when Leon’s behavior can be invoked as an exemplar, we are truly wading amongst gastronomic garbage.

      Reply
  11. SD says

    June 11, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    It’s totally obvious Mila is not Cordon Bleu trained, but is she a plant by production, or did she lie on her resume (a la Kasey)? Who can’t make a cake?? Just google a recipe and follow it–which is what Anastasia did. I’m leaning toward “plant by production,” because it is just too convenient that one of the stews has experience as a chef.

    Reply
    • justso says

      June 11, 2019 at 11:55 pm

      And…to bring on a despicable chef who….dislikes gays. Two for one! Something to rally the troops! So obvious! And for Pride month to boot! So many gifts.

      Reply
    • Lil G says

      June 12, 2019 at 10:28 am

      Agree ?- it’s fabricated chef drama. There is no way someone who can’t follow a recipe to make a cake or slice meat would be hired as a chef on a luxury ?. I can’t wait for Cap’n S to dismiss her!

      Reply
  12. Dalai Mama says

    June 11, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    It’s a thing the Manzo youngs used to do, Jim. Basically, open a pack of slice ham your mother bought. Fling slices of it against the walls and against one another until mother shows up hollering that it ain’t funny. Rinse. Repeat.

    Reply
    • Jim says

      June 12, 2019 at 1:44 am

      Lol, thanks for the explanation! Now I’m extra-thankful I never* watched that show.

      *Ok, I need to be truthful. I watched a few episodes

      Reply
  13. Therese says

    June 11, 2019 at 7:17 pm

    Bravo (no pun intended) This is one of the funniest recaps ever. Your wit and humor stand out in the recap pack. Indeed, I cringed over the so-called Le Cordon Bleu trained chef. She skipped out on the pastry class? I think she missed the boiling water course. A lot of the chefs I know are savory focused, but they all have a few desserts memorized. What do you expect from someone who microwaves steaks? She was fine to serve a baking powder cake. Disgusting. I hope she walks the plank soon. I don’t see her improving, not with that attitude. And what was with all the homophobia? Mila needs to step to the left.

    Reply
  14. 8isEnough says

    June 11, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    Awesome recap! Couldn’t stop laughing! Don’t know if anyone has said this but the coincidence of having a stew as a trained chef is too much. Do you think this is a set up to the firing of “Natasha” and using Anastasia as the new chef? Just a thought.

    Reply
    • allaboutheidi1 says

      June 11, 2019 at 9:50 pm

      I agree!

      Reply
  15. Nanette says

    June 11, 2019 at 8:26 pm

    HELL, I could go into that kitchen and bale out the chef in an emergency. Likely many of us could. FOR ONE MEAL. That does not make a YACHT-level chef. One of the main things people pay for on ANY cruise is the food. Even Leon, hell, even Rocky, could cook circles around this woman. I am smelling a Ratatouille even more after she aired her homophobic views. Between that and her love for Putin, it just CANNOT be a coincidence. It MUST be production. Bravo should treat those lovely guests to a meal at a Michelin Star restaurant of their choice.

    Reply
    • GertieKat says

      June 11, 2019 at 10:57 pm

      Tonight’s main is beef cheeks over canned corn

      Reply
    • RockCandiesMelted says

      June 12, 2019 at 7:57 pm

      Rocky”s Oreo salad and grenadine oysters ?

      Reply
  16. EnglishRose says

    June 11, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    DalaiMama! I always think it will be impossible for you to outdo yourself, but here you go again. You are, without a doubt, the funniest writer on the Internet. It takes a lot for me to guffaw out loud, but I sound like a donkey in full rut when I’m reading your recaps, or maybe a flock of geese flying overhead.Well done, madame, you are without peers.

    Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm

      Oh my lovely EnglishRose, I am not – I only emulate Tamara, and take my comic cues from her. I do love a wry, intelligent wit, and Tamara has got that in spades.

      Reply
      • Kipper says

        June 13, 2019 at 1:59 am

        I agree, you’re both amazing!

        Reply
  17. Navyone699 says

    June 11, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Does anyone else remember the US Cordon Bleu? They advertised during Jerry springer. I’m pretty sure she went to one in Minneapolis, not one in france!

    Reply
    • sp says

      June 11, 2019 at 11:02 pm

      Mila did not go to culinary school anywhere.

      Reply
  18. Susie says

    June 11, 2019 at 9:27 pm

    Daiai Mama, best recap ever ! You made me laugh …then laugh some more ! Thank you…

    Reply
  19. allaboutheidi1 says

    June 11, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    Once again, hilarious recap!

    Reply
  20. kete05 says

    June 11, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    Travis called Mila an “oxygen thief”. I LOVE that! She is literally a waste of air.

    Reply
    • laurini00 says

      June 12, 2019 at 5:57 am

      One of my favorite comments of the episode! Down with the faux-chef. Thanks for the great recap!

      Reply
      • Kipper says

        June 13, 2019 at 1:43 am

        Ditto! I was finally able to watch this episode after reading Dalia Mama’s recap yesterday.

        Reply
  21. Ingrid says

    June 12, 2019 at 8:23 am

    Love the recap, love the episode, and one of my favorite you tube videos to watch is ship launching gone wrong and boats in high seas. I am going to have to check out the yacht crashing ones, too, but it is hard to beat a gigantic ship sliding down into the waves then promptly tipping over.

    Reply
    • Dalai Mama says

      June 12, 2019 at 11:24 am

      We must share DNA, Ingrid. Watching very rich people who have spent a fortune to rent a yacht they have no idea how to navigate is balm for the soul. And watching those same people crashing their rented yachts into other rented yachts is the ultimate schadenfreude. Particularly when they are sailboats. Look for “Captain Crash” on YouTube. I’m going to watch it again right now.

      Reply
      • Kipper says

        June 13, 2019 at 1:52 am

        I was far from my DVR today and I admit to watching too much YouTube after your captain’s crash recommendation, I may be hooked on Cpt Rick now, thinking about all my worldly belongings and setting sail!

        Reply
  22. micmac says

    June 12, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    I hope Sandy, oops – Captain Sandy, fires the so called chef for her homophobic remarks. Make her walk the plank or throw her over-board please! I was horrified at the remarks coming out of her ugly mouth. She can fuck right off.
    Great re-cap. Laughed out loud several times.

    Reply
  23. Nanette says

    June 13, 2019 at 3:27 am

    8IsEnough may have called it about the Anastasia as chef setup. One of the teasers has Hanna telling fauxchef that Anastasia will be working in the galley from now on. What I wish is that it would then be a setup for Josiah to join the interior.

    Reply
  24. Prycer says

    June 13, 2019 at 12:44 pm

    Faux Chef needs to go. From her hygiene issues, to cooking to her homophobe thoughts. Go back to Russia if you are so pro Putin. I am so DONE with her.

    I was shocked that she was mad about not getting credit for the cake. YOU didn’t make the cake (you made the frosting) so you shouldn’t get credit for it. Personally they should have just bought a cake when Faux Chef couldn’t make a cake.

    Reply
  25. Nanette says

    June 13, 2019 at 7:37 pm

    Colin has Episode 1 and Episode 2 raps on his IG. Pretty good and funny. I hope he does it all season.

    Reply
  26. shiny says

    June 13, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    Thank you, Dalai Mama, for making me laugh out loud to a recap. Bravo has guaranteed its audience, just to see Sandy find out Mila has even more secrets than the fact that she can’t cook. I can’t wait to see it, even if it is production-driven.

    Reply
  27. Jessica Nugent says

    June 14, 2019 at 4:44 pm

    Can we have the recipe for Anastasia’a birthday cake. It looked sooooo yum!

    Reply
  28. Devin says

    June 14, 2019 at 9:45 pm

    They are such a good looking cast. Oh, to be young again! I used to look like Colin and everyone loved me. Now I get funny looks from people because I’m old. Le sigh.

    Reply

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