By Dalai Mama
Welcome to the HMS Below Deck Med Recap. Come aboard. We’re expecting you. We begin with a little rehash of the Great Taco Skirmish of ’19. Hannah affirms that communication with Captain Sandy is going to be priority this season. Therefore, Hannah is appointing herself Chief Taster. Not so much as a single sea cucumber ovary is going to get to the guests without going through Hannah first.
Beach Blanket Bingo
Be All That You Can Chef Boyardee
Captain Sandy consults the Lite Brite she’s got stashed in the wheelhouse and hazards a professional forecast. There is weather coming. She scrutinizes the sky and muses that perhaps the rain will “go up.” Certainly it will, if it sees what’s going on in the galley.
Travis expresses dissatisfaction with the overabundance of bureaucracy he perceives rampant in the system.
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Mila is thinking Italian food as her next crack at culinary manslaughter. Presumably she’ll just crack open a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni and be done with it. But Poseidon is not about to let this slide. The heavens darken, the storm clouds lower, thunder belches itself across the sky, and then we see evidence of the coming apocalypse. Random crew members are sampling Mila’s cooking.
Blame The Ham Game
Travis expresses dissatisfaction with something else. I feel like a different guy plays Travis in every scene. I always have to figure out who he is by deduction.
Meanwhile, in the galley, the Chef does not want to play the ham game. There is no Slicing Machine on board. The prosciutto cannot be besmirched in thick slices. The Captain appears, speaking soothingly in her dulcet Kindergarten Cop voice. “Let’s just try to slice it,” she coos. “Shall we try?” You see, the woman in white was brought up in the meat business. Her mad skills include slaughter, skin, and hang. You’d think that would give the chef pause.
Tamara will be pleased to learn that Sandy observes frankly that she never liked being in the meat shop.
Let Them Eat Cake
The mood in the galley has turned grim. A guest needs A Cake, but there is no Easy-Bake Oven on board. It remains on shore, in the Below Deck warehouse, next to the ham-slicing machine. Mila whips something up, a simple golden cake with an Ajax filling, for whiter teeth. Sample tasting is not going well. Someone better run down to the Seven Eleven and get the guests a couple of Suzy Qs and some Ding Dongs.
Full Court Tort Martial
HMS MacArthur Park
Madam Blovary
Пока Felicinska (Buh-bye Russian Felicia)
Professional lite-bright and an Ajax filling! Priceless!
I’m ready for Mila the meal destroyer to be tossed overboard with her Costco size can of baking soda tied to her leg. Take your knives and go.
This recap had me in stitches! Your wit and puns are perfectly paired together, and really help express what everyone else is thinking!
I’m surprised with how sweet and caring Joao seems this season, it’s almost like he edited his personality. It’s too early to tell what pairings might happen this season, but I feel like Hannah and Joao are trading signals…
Mila keeps on shocking me, I can’t believe it just keeps getting worse and worse! I’m so glad that Travis stopped her right then and there, we need more people on TV like him who immediately stand up against homophobia, instead of just going along with! I know it’s not easy, but he’s setting a great example. Cheers to him!
I look forward to next week’s recap!
We need more people in the WORLD who immediately stand up against homophobia and racism. And let’s face it, these days, we could use a whole bunch of those people in our government. Le sigh.
Travis was furious and I was cheering him on in his diatribe!! He wasn’t casually appalled or giving a sideline shake of the head. Nope. He was full on Fuck You and the Putin you rode in on and I was loving it!!!!
Cheers to all the above! Let’s hope Travis is feeling the love right now, and that Mila… isn’t.
I’m so sorry your original recap tanked. I would not have been the wiser if you didn’t mention it. This was wonderful. Can’t wait to watch the show tonight! Also, I wish the cook ( not chef) was fired by Tylor.
Or Travis.
I also thought your recap was amazing! I need to put the closed caption on for this show. Some of dialogue I just can’t make out.
Oh, and I can not wait to see how Sandy handles finding out she has a homophobic bitch onboard.
I hope someone lets it slip to Sandy!
I was reading this (covertly) in the middle of a corporate training session. I had to suppress my roars of laughter. “The proof is in the Putin.” Priceless.
Cheers Dalai Lama for a great recap. I refuse to watch the actual show, I just come here for the recaps.
Am I the only one who got the ham game reference??
Apparently so. Please explain to those of us who don’t get it.
it was a game the Manzo boys played on NJ Housewives. You kinda had to be there.
Not just the Manzo boys; Lauren played the ham game too. So, who said “l don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.”? It sparked a memory but not a clear one. Great recap!
Don’t blast me if I am wrong, but was it Kenya about her baby?
Deb, it was Linda Evangelista who made the now infamous 10k remark. And she meant it.
I’m so in love with you for getting it, Squir. I don’t know why I find the Ham Game so relentlessly hilarious, but I do.
I have been watching Bravo Shows for wayyyyy to long.
Chefistan?!!!!!!! *dead*. Mad props for the song lyrics woven through the recap that I actually know. And the puns. Great job Mama! You made it nice and hysterical. Again.
Shucks – thank you, Navymommy.
Every season I wonder who TF hires these crewpeople. After seeing the interior, I was optimistically thinking that because the cruise price has gone up so has the hiring process. But the “CHEF” has disavowed me of that. Her bona fides must be fake. Perhaps she went to a cooking school in France that is on par with bartending school Stateside. An expensive insider joke. NOT ONE cook or chef I’ve ever known, from “lowly” greasy spoon uneducated single moms to CIA-grad assistant to Julia Child, would have put out that food. Again. Everyone cannot be an expert in EVERYTHING, such as pastry, but just to get ACCEPTED to Cordon Bleu a cook needs to have skills. No way could she have passed the knife skills class! When Capt. Sandy pulled up images of “her” food, she said “that’s not mine.” REALLY!? The Ratatouille continues. I won’t touch her hateful remarks but to say Travis is my hero. So is DalaiMama.
“The proof is in the Putin” OMG I can’t stop laughing. Great, and funny as hell re-cap.
Love that line. Gonna steal it and somehow use it.
Travis is a staunch character ( my all time favorite Edie Beale quote ) Your recap was all that & a bag of chips. Rock on ! The chef needs to go. C. Bleu trained ; hardly. Absolute Ursulla the sea hag. Most hateful cast member of all time. Well , with the exception of T Rav & David Eason ( alias Lurch )
ANY friend of Edie Beale’s is a friend of mine! You know, I call Jerry the Marble Faun! (But I don’t like women in skirts.)
At least chef Leon on Below Deck original made brownies from, to quote Kate, “his sous chef, Betty Crocker”.
Oh golly – you know when Leon’s behavior can be invoked as an exemplar, we are truly wading amongst gastronomic garbage.
It’s totally obvious Mila is not Cordon Bleu trained, but is she a plant by production, or did she lie on her resume (a la Kasey)? Who can’t make a cake?? Just google a recipe and follow it–which is what Anastasia did. I’m leaning toward “plant by production,” because it is just too convenient that one of the stews has experience as a chef.
And…to bring on a despicable chef who….dislikes gays. Two for one! Something to rally the troops! So obvious! And for Pride month to boot! So many gifts.
Agree ?- it’s fabricated chef drama. There is no way someone who can’t follow a recipe to make a cake or slice meat would be hired as a chef on a luxury ?. I can’t wait for Cap’n S to dismiss her!
It’s a thing the Manzo youngs used to do, Jim. Basically, open a pack of slice ham your mother bought. Fling slices of it against the walls and against one another until mother shows up hollering that it ain’t funny. Rinse. Repeat.
Lol, thanks for the explanation! Now I’m extra-thankful I never* watched that show.
*Ok, I need to be truthful. I watched a few episodes
Bravo (no pun intended) This is one of the funniest recaps ever. Your wit and humor stand out in the recap pack. Indeed, I cringed over the so-called Le Cordon Bleu trained chef. She skipped out on the pastry class? I think she missed the boiling water course. A lot of the chefs I know are savory focused, but they all have a few desserts memorized. What do you expect from someone who microwaves steaks? She was fine to serve a baking powder cake. Disgusting. I hope she walks the plank soon. I don’t see her improving, not with that attitude. And what was with all the homophobia? Mila needs to step to the left.
Awesome recap! Couldn’t stop laughing! Don’t know if anyone has said this but the coincidence of having a stew as a trained chef is too much. Do you think this is a set up to the firing of “Natasha” and using Anastasia as the new chef? Just a thought.
I agree!
HELL, I could go into that kitchen and bale out the chef in an emergency. Likely many of us could. FOR ONE MEAL. That does not make a YACHT-level chef. One of the main things people pay for on ANY cruise is the food. Even Leon, hell, even Rocky, could cook circles around this woman. I am smelling a Ratatouille even more after she aired her homophobic views. Between that and her love for Putin, it just CANNOT be a coincidence. It MUST be production. Bravo should treat those lovely guests to a meal at a Michelin Star restaurant of their choice.
Tonight’s main is beef cheeks over canned corn
Rocky”s Oreo salad and grenadine oysters ?
DalaiMama! I always think it will be impossible for you to outdo yourself, but here you go again. You are, without a doubt, the funniest writer on the Internet. It takes a lot for me to guffaw out loud, but I sound like a donkey in full rut when I’m reading your recaps, or maybe a flock of geese flying overhead.Well done, madame, you are without peers.
Oh my lovely EnglishRose, I am not – I only emulate Tamara, and take my comic cues from her. I do love a wry, intelligent wit, and Tamara has got that in spades.
I agree, you’re both amazing!
Does anyone else remember the US Cordon Bleu? They advertised during Jerry springer. I’m pretty sure she went to one in Minneapolis, not one in france!
Mila did not go to culinary school anywhere.
Daiai Mama, best recap ever ! You made me laugh …then laugh some more ! Thank you…
Once again, hilarious recap!
Travis called Mila an “oxygen thief”. I LOVE that! She is literally a waste of air.
One of my favorite comments of the episode! Down with the faux-chef. Thanks for the great recap!
Ditto! I was finally able to watch this episode after reading Dalia Mama’s recap yesterday.
Love the recap, love the episode, and one of my favorite you tube videos to watch is ship launching gone wrong and boats in high seas. I am going to have to check out the yacht crashing ones, too, but it is hard to beat a gigantic ship sliding down into the waves then promptly tipping over.
We must share DNA, Ingrid. Watching very rich people who have spent a fortune to rent a yacht they have no idea how to navigate is balm for the soul. And watching those same people crashing their rented yachts into other rented yachts is the ultimate schadenfreude. Particularly when they are sailboats. Look for “Captain Crash” on YouTube. I’m going to watch it again right now.
I was far from my DVR today and I admit to watching too much YouTube after your captain’s crash recommendation, I may be hooked on Cpt Rick now, thinking about all my worldly belongings and setting sail!
I hope Sandy, oops – Captain Sandy, fires the so called chef for her homophobic remarks. Make her walk the plank or throw her over-board please! I was horrified at the remarks coming out of her ugly mouth. She can fuck right off.
Great re-cap. Laughed out loud several times.
8IsEnough may have called it about the Anastasia as chef setup. One of the teasers has Hanna telling fauxchef that Anastasia will be working in the galley from now on. What I wish is that it would then be a setup for Josiah to join the interior.
Faux Chef needs to go. From her hygiene issues, to cooking to her homophobe thoughts. Go back to Russia if you are so pro Putin. I am so DONE with her.
I was shocked that she was mad about not getting credit for the cake. YOU didn’t make the cake (you made the frosting) so you shouldn’t get credit for it. Personally they should have just bought a cake when Faux Chef couldn’t make a cake.
Colin has Episode 1 and Episode 2 raps on his IG. Pretty good and funny. I hope he does it all season.
Thank you, Dalai Mama, for making me laugh out loud to a recap. Bravo has guaranteed its audience, just to see Sandy find out Mila has even more secrets than the fact that she can’t cook. I can’t wait to see it, even if it is production-driven.
Can we have the recipe for Anastasia’a birthday cake. It looked sooooo yum!
They are such a good looking cast. Oh, to be young again! I used to look like Colin and everyone loved me. Now I get funny looks from people because I’m old. Le sigh.