Okay. Let’s do this. I haven’t eaten and a couple of days and am living on anxiety and this weird merlot kombucha thing I drink. So I am warning you now this is a more drunken recap than usual so fuck the (grammar and spelling) police in advance. I am kind of excited about this episode though. So let’s get on this RHOP Recap!
Look, already I need for Candiace to sit down and shut the fuck up about whatever a women wants to do about having children. Have eleventy thirteen babies if you want to. Don’t have any at all. But stay the fuck out of Ashley’s uterus, bitch.
Why do we have a scene with Karen with her bizarre braided weave and Gizelle? WHY? Oh all the girls are meeting up to head out for their own excursions. The only one I care about is Ashley and Katie going to the tarot reader. Ya’ll I just had to check my tags to make sure Ashley’s name was Ashley. This will not end well and I have a whole nuther recap to do! If I were the the boss of me, I’d fire me already. Candiace seems drunk too. In the mornTING.
I’m sorry, but earlier in the evening I said, “Sometime I need to be around other human beings.” And Banjo got up went into the dining an FLOPPED himself on the floor in a hissy fit. So we are fighting in this recap. Someone remind me to let him in out of the rain because he would rather be anywhere but with me at the moment.
Moving on. Katie Rost had hand surgery so her hands would not sweat? IDGI. The tarot guy tells Ashley that she will have a baby within a year, but a baby is not the reason she should have a baby. Raise your hand if you could have told her that. I see eleventy billion hands.
Leah Chase is the end all be all of this episode. Full stop. I should just shut up now. I’m not worthy. I migItht have drunk cried. I love Leah Chase.
Fine. I let the dog back in. Am the only old ass contrarian that manages to fight with whatever breathes are in my house? I’m a dreadful person. But, HE STARTED IT!
It’s Daddy’s Birthday And I’ll Fight If I Want Too!
You can fight too if it happens to you. Sorry,drunk. Katie and Karen is a match made in mental health heaven. Then talks of miscarriages and reconciliations between Ashley and Monique. I love all of this. I used to watch FAMU practice when I lived in Tallahassee, Best show ever
Banjo has decided to make up with me. I love him more than any human.
I think it is Gizelle’s dad’s? Fuck I dunno. Someone’s 80th birthday. Whoever it is has eyes for Karen Huger. Because, old people. (laughs at my own jokes and slaps my own knee like my girl Lisa Rinna). Why do people have turbans? IDGI.
Banjo is mad again because I had to get up and pee and I was like, “Mama is working to pay for your dogfood! I have to work.” So um. back to square one. And y’all are alienated me from my elderly dog. IGS.
WTF WITH THE TURBANS?
Again, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE TURBAN THING. NTTAWWT. I was putting in photos. There was a bunch of bitches arguing. I love that Gizelle says you only turn 80 once, or if you are Karen Huger twice. I love Gizelle’s dad. Jesus Christ. Candiance can’t even sing Happy Birthday.
Why are people drag racing on my street right now. I thought we were gentrifying? Or whatever you call it when the neighborhood pushes out the poors like me?
After a long day Gizelle went to get herself some vitamin D. Go on gurl!
The Struggle Bus
I am at my job on the struggle bus. Katie Rost is too hungover to participate in the next day of events. I may call in drunk on the struggle bus for the next recap.
So ,I went to pee for the forty second time and apparently a bug got on Candiace. I am starting to realize I kind like these girls.
I want to go to Cafe du Monde…
We are not going to discuss Sherman. We discuss Sherman. STFU, Karen. Where my beignets? From my backseat on the struggle bus, I want to drown Karen.
On the next RHOP Recap, I don’t know what is even happening.