By Dalai Mama
Welcome to my first Below Deck Med recap. I’m Dalai Mama, cruise director of recreational maritime hedonism. Come on board the HMS Sirocco. Let’s dive right in and meet our crew, shall we?
We are graced once again with the leadership of my First Imaginary Future Wife, Captain Sandy Yawn. In addition, the Bosun and Chief Stew are also familiar faces. Walking-MeToo-moment Joao Franco will be heading up the exterior, while Hannah Ferrier reprises her role as the Chief Stew Mime.
Beavis, Butthead, and Me
So surprise, Sirocco’s new chef is a woman, Mila Kolomeitseva. She says that she believes female chefs are underrated. I guess she’s here to change all that. I want to believe. But I have a bad feeling about this one.
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Oh and hey, there’s Travis the deckhand. Travis confides that because he does a lot of stupid shit, people think he’s an idiot. Aesha is introduced as the new second stew. She would like us to know that she has the work ethic of someone in their thirties, the body of someone in their twenties, and the mind of a boy going through puberty. So basically, we have both Beavis and Butthead fused into a smokin’ hot bod. I remain unconvinced.
Taking A Dip In The Liverpool
Anastasia, third stew, wants us to know she has an “immigrant work ethic”. I’m going to presume that doesn’t mean she’d hire an undocumented nanny to herd Lhasa Apsos and unpack her suitcases. Anastasia likes being in charge. What an adorable characteristic.
Deckhand Jack is wide-eyed with labradoodle hair and an aggressively Liverpudlian accent. It’s like he’s channeling an alternate version of Paul McCartney. A version dropped on its head in infancy by Mummy McCartney.
Making it Work
Colin has re-upped as a deckhand. I seem to remember liking Colin, but I have memory issues. He says he feels like a European guru, and proves his mettle by offering the Burger King pronunciation of the word “croissant”.
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Hugging it out in the wheelhouse are Hannah and My First Imaginary Future Wife, Captain Sandy. They are going to make it work this season. Hannah’s going to make it work with Joao too. That’s a lot of work, considering this is Hannah. I hope she doesn’t pull a muscle.
Why, this Captain is a WOMAN!
The girl chef-not-cook barely suppresses a spasm when she meets Captain Sandy. She gives the Captain A Look. Like a soprano meeting her conductor, only to find the conductor is 6 years old and wearing a Hello Kitty tuxedo. “First time I see a captain like that!” quoth she. I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. I’m afraid of that girl.
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Deckhand Travis topples lightly into a breach of etiquette by calling My First Imaginary Future Wife “Sandy”. She crisply reminds him that it is “Captain. Captain Sandy. We’re not friends.” Just keelhaul him or take away his ration of grog and spotted dick, or whatever it is they do.
But They Do All Look Alike To Me
Look, I’m just not pleased with the Aesha/Anastasia situation. We’ve meandered into Teddi/Denise territory. I literally cannot tell them apart. The AA names aren’t helping. Plunk Hannah into the mix, and we’re just two sunny blonde chicks shy of the Dionne quintuplets. Corn-silk hair. Sculpted eyebrows. Sleepy eyes. Millennial lips. Sentences that go like this, “Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah.” This is hell. No, worse than hell. This is like being at a Tinsley Mortimer Convention where cosplay is mandatory.
When Chunks Must Be Blown
Joao is making the self-proclaimed idiot Travis his first deckhand. The idiot is from Australia too? This is starting to feel like a soft invasion to me.
Oh, fun surprise! Chef Mila is spontaneously barfing. I’m going to take as a further harbinger of doom. Meanwhile, the motley crew is called to the main salon for their first meeting. The primary is a luxury mortgage broker which is industry slang for morally bankrupt. Captain Sandy is talking tough. “If I wake up thinking about you, it is your last day on board.”
What Goes Down Must Come Up
Class dismissed. Now everybody is zooming around cleaning and swabbing and stuff. Except for Jack, who is hanging out on the dock having a sodee-pop and whistling Strawberry Fields Forever. Hannah discusses meals with the chef until Mila makes the Vomit Proximity Alarm face and runs off to spew. This is no regular vomit. It’s Siberian-Russian-female-chef vomit. Keep your distance.
Anastasia is delivering a well-rehearsed monologue to Hannah. She wants clear direction. If you show her something once, she can do it forever. She wants to do things right. She is a perfectionist and a people-pleaser. I predict she’ll be the one who ends up barricaded in a cabin blaring death metal and refusing to do any work. We’ll see.
Let’s Talk About Six, Baby
More things are cleaned and folded and pressed, but not spindled or mutilated. Travis declares that he thinks Hannah is sexy and Iraq City. Or Rack City. Or Eric’s ditty. Something.
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Aesha likes to talk about six. She has six on the brain, and would also like to have sixual relations very soon. But for now, she’s content to share her thoughts about butt-six. Hannah and Joao yak and confabulate on deck. We learn that Hannah is always up for douche-bags changing themselves. I have to say, I am concerned that may be a health code violation.
The Best Rooms Have Big Dongs
Captain Sandy asks the third stew to help Chef Mila. When Anastasia asks said chef if she has any tongs in the galley, she gets a blank, dry-heave of a look. So Anastasia adds the international sign language symbol for tongs which is basically “Clip! Clip!”
The guests arrive, and Hannah gives them a boat tour. Big Daddy’s room has a generously proportioned bathtub. Hannah recommends the other guests take a room that has a “big dong.” I had thought Hannah’s first language was English. J’accuse.
Our Lady Of Perpetual Dissatisfaction
As the ship leaves the dock, one of the guests is swinging from the roof. Said guest then expresses free-floating dissatisfaction with all motion. “They’re parking,” she bleats. “They’re turning. What are they doing?” Big Daddy doesn’t know. Someone brings her an adult beverage in a bottle which soothes her savage breast.
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Anastasia adds “Type A personality” to her perfectionist-people-pleaser CV. She and Jack escort the guests onshore and promptly abandon them. They get lost looking for a place that sells milk. The guests huddle together on the pavement, alone, confused, and bewildered.
When Tacos Disturb
Everyone is zooming around getting the boat ready for mealtime. Except for Jack, who is lying in his bunk humming “Penny Lane”.
We’re going to have to talk about dinner. Mila’s making Mexican. (Sounds like a porno). Captain Sandy is taken aback by the sight of the tacos. Sandy’s words of wisdom: “Seeing the tacos is Very. Disturbing. To. Me.”
The Vomiting Gourmet dumps some Tostitos and random corn niblets on a plate and sprinkles some cheese over the top. “Okay, that’s ready to go,” she says. For the first time in nine years, Hannah refuses to take a dish out to the guests. The nachos are discreetly whisked away and forced to walk the plank.
Don’t Bogart the Microwave
The guests regard their plates quizzically. Big Daddy makes a polite comment about Taco Bell Drive Thru. Meanwhile, Mila is warming up the steaks in the microwave. Hannah has nivver, ivver, seen a chef put steak in the microwave. Ominous music plays. I was right. Girl Chef is The Omen 2.
Next week on the Below Deck Med recap: A guest has the world’s most ebullient reaction to the water-slide. Many drinky-poos are consumed. Guests bellow at crew. Rampant drunken canoodling occurs amongst the crew. Chef-not-Cook Mila whips up a homophobic souffle.
Chef not cook. Excellent reference!
Barely a cook, certainly not a chef. If she had attended Cordon Bleu, she would know how to slice a ham, and not have Captain Sandy do it. This woman is a FAKE – someone should investigate her claim of having gone to Cordon Bleu, then throw her off the boat.
she (ila) seriously looked like a deer in headlights. is there even any evidence that shes actually IS a chef? Kacey fudged her resume…mabye this chef did too? a quick google search of her and there is nothing related to her training or what she has done before below deck
I can’t get through the recap because of all the trying to be witty remarks. I know I’ll get blasted for saying this.
I’m unconcerned with your plight. Satchels of gold.
Making lemonade out of lemons. And nachos out of canned corn
And she claims to be cordon bleu trained. Yeah right!
I’m right there with you!
Loved your recap – made me laugh. This looks to be a great season! So glad Colin is back and hope we get to see a lot more of him. Surprisingly, Hannah and Joao look like they could make it work. Maybe now we know why she was so against her stew seeing him…. maybe she was secretly wanting him for herself. Hmm?
I was dying over the taco shells. If they are anything like what we have here, that brand is so stale tasting! And then the microwave!! This trainwreck is going to be so much fun to watch!
I can’t tell the 2nd & 3rd stew’s apart either. I was trying to explain to my spouse that one was Russian, and I was like that one. No, that one. I don’t know which one!
Mexican’t. Que lastimma!
Thanks for your recap Dalai Mama! I forgot this was back on. I like to read the recaps first and you didn’t disappoint.
Great recap!
there is no way in hell this woman graduated from Le Cordon Bleu…
I really like Dalai Mama’s recaps.
I think something is not quite right with the chef not cook too. Most chefs male or female are aggressive, competitive, but also take great pride in what they do. Maybe she is really so sick she can’t get it together, but I have doubts. We’ll see…r
Did she lick the steaks? I got a little throw up in my mouth watching all touching if food after she’d been up chucking for the past several days.
Loved the long shot of cases of fresh fruits and veggies right off the crew mess when she was microwaving the steaks
Bring Adam back!
Steak licking ought to be a felony. Let’s make that happen.
I agree. How many charters until she is fired and Ben comes back?
Oooo, what a tantalizing thought. I truly miss Ben and his fetchingly maniacal laugh.
I also wouldn’t mind seeing the yoga guy with the lovely topknot.
I had the same thought! Hoping this was the warmup act for Ben. I am not picky about my Mexican food, but I am not paying big bucks. Amy’s and Trader Joe’s frozen look better. I don’t think they teach microwave at Cordon Bleu.
I think it is a setup for Adam. I’m pretty sure there was a French Riviera social media pic last fall that included Adam, Hannah and Colin. I don’t remember Joao being there, but there were easily 5 or more people in picture.
I saw the taco shells when provisions were dumped in galley and assumed/hoped they were for crew meals. I have always wondered who and when provisioning is done. Could be production orders whatever they need for all the necessary storylines—or chef not cook planned Mexican all along.
I think the pic is of Ben, not Adam, with the current crew of BDM. He’s, oddly, wearing what looks like a big white robe while the entire cast is sitting at a dinner table in a restaurant. But it’s entirely possible that he was working on a different yacht and simply met them for dinner.
Definitely possible. My memory of pic is very fuzzy. I would much prefer Ben.
My memory is much more recent. I just searched for it an hour ago. And the pic I saw is from Ben’s Twitter feed. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t also a pic of Adam with the current crew as well. But I don’t think that Bravo is that sophisticated (or cares that much, read… too cheap) to ask former cast members to post “red herring” posts on twitter.
Fab recap! Didn’t watch and now I don’t have to. Trying to wean myself off some Bravo this Summer… baby steps!
I wish someone would recap Texicanas. I think that show is pretty good for a new series. Anyone else?
Commendable! But please say “Summer by Bravo” or else you look like a newb. ?
Btw, where is the annual, extremely fab, “Summer by Bravo” promos. Have I missed missed them this year? Or did they discontinue the practice. I continue to see awful promos for unrelated shit that usually feature Sonja and Dorinda. But they are simply awful instead of fun.
DalaiMama! What a treat. “Clip. Clip.” It’s ON!
I’ve worked in restaurants from the quintessential greasy spoon to fine French, American and Chinese dining. And a year at El Torrito (Americanized Mexican). NONE of the chefs OR COOKS would have had the chutzpah to put out those nachos or use bottled Ranch dressing on “gourmet” burgers. Even El Torrito didn’t use preformed taco shells. I smell le rat dans la cuisine. Mexican food is so much more than a Taco Bell and Le Chef is too full of herself to even google it.
I am so happy Colin is back; it will be hard to top his Dragon (Hannah) impersonation. What a twist that Brooke cheated on João. Then again, she did show her colors when she sleazed in while Kasey was in the powder room to let João know he would get more sexy time with her.
Nanette! I smell le rat too. Its all very Ratatouille.
Yes, it was a twist that Brooke cheated on Joao. And when he said he really loved her–he sounded pretty sincere and hurt. The playboy got played. I actually felt sorry for him.
OMG. “Walking Me too moment” is exactly how to describe Joao!?
I’m astounded about the preformed taco shells, canned corn on the plate of chips, and steaks in the microwave. I would not be happy about that if I were paying tens of thousands of dollars for the experience. I also do not like when vegetables that should be hot are put on a plate too soon and allowed to cool, as Mila did with the green beans.
I’ve often wondered how the chefs manage to plate eight or ten plates with multiple items and keep everything hot and at its peak at the same time–but clearly Mila didn’t manage that.
I’m with the rest of you in doubting her Cordon Bleu credentials.
In case y’all didn’t notice, it’s been a slam on busy day here at TT! I was dying to get here to thank Dalai Mama for her Dali Mamaesque recap! LOVE IT!
But mostly I just wanted to say, I thought Captain Sandy kinda LOVED TACOS!
I’m hoping she will be outraged over muffins for breakfast next. Because I also am pretty sure she loves to go down on a muffin in the morning.
Um, don’t slaughter me. Happy Gay Pride Month! 🙂
Dalai Mama made it nice ?
Thank you kindly, Navymom!
Yay! Happy Pride!
Hurry back with your recaps TT. Missed you on this one. I prefer a not so cutie.
Now is ze time on Sprockets vhen ve dance. (Kiss my monkey.)
Hahaha!
I love you!
I think I love you too! Does your middle name happen to be Tiberius?
Love this reference, Dieter!
Giggling, oh the fun banter!
I love, love, love your recaps and comments Dalia Mama!
Now I’m going in search of “the six”, I know it’s around this house somewhere!
Good recap. Can we not do the imaginary first wife before each Capt. Sandy reference? It reminds me of the first season of RHOBH and Kim Richards prefacing every phrase with I was a child star. I know, I know you are unconcerned about my plight. Satchels of gold.
Thanks for the great recap, Dalai Mama. I am no cook/chef but I know I could make a way prettier plate of nachos than what she made. That being said, I would still eat what she made.
That Liverpudlian Jack is just adorable. He reminds me of my nephew, though my nephew is from upstate NY so he does not sound like JohnPaulGeorgeRingo. I know Jack will disappoint me at one point this season but for now he just makes me smile
Wtf is up with Jack’s hair? Captain Lee would have made him cut that shit off before boarding the yacht. Strictly my opinion… long hair on ANY man looks fucking ridiculous. It’s attention-seeking at its worst.
Now, now Jim, I must take exception to your comment. The DH has glorious sun-streaked copper-colored hair that is now about 3 inches above his waist. He grows it for Wigs For Kids. He has been doing this for almost 20 years. He keeps it tied back with many hair ties as he is a biker too. The only time I have ever seen short hair on him was before he retired from the US Navy and that is in pictures. However, a mun (man bun) is another story and he wouldn’t be caught dead.
How does Hannah not know the word gong? What are gongs called in Australia???!?
Lol! Apparently they call gongs “dongs” in Australia. And of course, by logic deduction, they call dongs “gongs”.
They are “down under” so obviously that makes sense somehow.
Ha! Ha! Thank you for that belly laugh. Terribly awful first day of new job hangover. Really needed that chuckle
I already hated this chef before the new season started because of her homophobia that was shown in the teaser clip. So maybe I’m looking for more reasons to add her to my “love to hate list”.
So let’s add more fuel to the fire, shall we…
– coughing without covering her mouth in the crook of her arm.
– acting completely surprised that a WOMAN can be a yacht captain. Let’s add misogyny to her homophobia for good measure.
– continuing to eat bad shrimp before starting her first day of work. 97% of civilized humans would immediately stop eating after suspecting “bad shrimp”. And I’m sure that percentage would be significantly higher for trained chefs.
– putting Hidden Valley Ranch on “gourmet” burgers.
– serving Old El Paso hard shell tacos and enchiladas as “appetizers” on board a super yacht to paying customers. Too many things going on here to analyze further for fear of brain explosion.
– NACHOS! FOR DINNER! On a super yacht! Made with Tostitos and canned salsa. The canned sweet niblet corn was an extra special touch. And these were supposed to go out to the guests WITHOUT cheese until the stew, um, made the suggestion to add cheese. And what chef would dump the salsa directly on to the chips before serving?! The crew wouldn’t even eat that shit after a night of heavy drinking. Thankfully Hannah made a wise executive decision and dumped them overboard (I assume).
– Steaks! “Chef” Mila licked (yes, licked!) a raw steak before cooking. Watch carefully, she brings a steak up to her face as of to smell it but her tongue quickly darts out and makes obvious contact. And as soon as Hannah comes back to the kitchen after bringing out the apps, Mila is already plating the steaks which will be ice cold by the time the guests have tried to consume a mountain of elementary school-quality “Mexican food”. So what is a Cordon Bleu trained chef to do? Apparently the Cordon Bleu instructors would expect you to run down to the crew mess and pop them into the microwave to keep them warm. But first, take your unwashed, bare finger and poke the steak, lick that very same finger and then touch the COOKED steak again! This “chef” was coughing and fucking barfing just before this! Yep, my brain just exploded.
My apologies for the overuse of caps, quote marks and exclamations. But this absolutely beyond comprehension. An obviously ill, homophobic, unprepared, uneducated, imposter “chef” was allowed by production to board a super yacht and told to cook for paying guests. But I’m not convinced that production can be blamed for all of this. And if they are, they should be held criminally liable for potentially exposing guests to foodborne illness.
I personally blame Putin (and possibly Trump… but we’ll never be able to prove it), lol.
Jim – omg yes, nailed it!!!!
Jim, I like the cut of your jib. Welcome aboard, sir.
That means more to me than you’ll ever know!
My “jib” is indeed “cut”. That only seems funny because I’m drunk. I will definitely regret this tomorrow.
But fuck it! I’ve already insulted Tamara (just minutes ago). So I’ll probably have to change my IP and distinctive syntax.
So sorry, I love you all!
I love your post! Drink more and continue posting to TT. Dalai Mama, I enjoyed your re-cap.
LMAO. Your recap is funny and unfortunately true.
I missed the licking of the steak when watching. But someone tweeted that clip to Hannah and I don’t think she saw it either because she started typing in all caps – she was horrified! I was as well.
This is gonna be an epic season, and your post was AH-MAZING
From source that I can’t link to…
“It was so surprising, it really was. It was disappointing,” said Cassar, who vocally expressed her frustration during her time on the ship. “The chef’s not gonna do too well on the boat,” she predicted. “It almost seems to me it wasn’t real — like it was a setup.” And though the guests and the other crew-members all became close during their week, she said, “When we got off the boat to say goodbye, you could see she [Kolomeitseva] didn’t want to say goodbye to me.”
Hmmm…
Zounds, if there are any of her faux pas that you didn’t catch, then someone is dying on this season.This just HAS TO BE a setup and the charter guest MUST be in on it. Maybe the Naked Chef will save the day. I’d rather have Rocky’s food. Or maybe not.
Oysters and Oreos, anyone?
Golly, GertieKat, I’d forgotten about that. And a splash of grenadine, right? I liked that wackadoo mermaid.
This!
That Mila chick reminds me of that cooking show where you have to guess if they are “real chefs or fakes,” That Mexican spread was just nasty. And the steak in the microwave would give me some serious stomach upset. Those poor people who paid all that kind of money for that inferior food that she questionably handled. Yuck and Gross.
Yes, right?! Microwaved steak makes me reflux insanely. I’ve seen no scientific reason for that to be the case. But every single time that I’ve brought home leftover steak and tried to warm in the microwave, it’s been a disaster. Solution: cold steak sandwiches with Heinz 57!! No heartburn/reflux but nearly as delicious as before.
She had to go to the crew’s kitchen to use the microwave…because there isn’t one the the “chef’s” kitchen ffs! I mean really, Cordon Bleu?
Hanna wasn’t my favorite last season but her dismay? I felt for her, first charter, not good…
Has anyone ever seen corn on nachos?! I could have made a better meal then what she served. Also the meal did not make any sense, from the Mexican appetizers to the steak. BTW, Chef NOT has really bad hygienes. I felt bad for the people who paid for the trip. Hopefully they got a huge discount on the trip.
Prycer, the only corns I’ve ever seen on nachos are on foot nachos. In addition to the fact that food nachos have not been approved for human consumption by the FDA, I feel fairly certain that the dish would be considered too lowbrow (and soulful) for the primary, and his guardians of the galaxy.
Foot nachos? Has the world gone insane or has the English language suddenly become foreign to me?
Ok, I finally got the pun. Sometimes the Dalai is too deep for my reptilian brain.
All hail the Dalai Mama!
All hail!
First, thanks for the recap. It was great.
As for the Chef, not sure she deserves the title, but WTF? I get upset when the guests are trying to act like they have a sophisticated palate and fuss about a great meal, but these people were so nice. Not sure I could have held my tongue after getting that meal. I think I would have asked for the Chef to explain or call the Captain and let her taste dinner. We will see how she does at breakfast. Hurry up and get here Ben!
I love the fact that Jack gets subtitles, he just sounds normal to me! My uni housemate has a stronger Scouse accent!
The food is atrocious.
They were nice, Cathyrid. You’re right. I withdraw my “morally bankrupt” accusation.
Lay in the Charmin, kids. It’ s going to be a seat warming ride.
She should have ignored the request for Mexican food on the preference sheet if she doesn’t really know what Mexican food is. They don’t teach it at Le Cordon Bleu and most Europeans don’t know much more about Mexican food than what is on the instructions of the Old El Paso box. What she served would have been completely acceptable to Europeans who had never been to the US or Mexico. The ranch dressing, I think she basically assumed that Americans love it and went with it, but doesn’t have the knowledge to figure out how to make it from scratch.
Eh I’d say its a stretch to say Europeans don’t know about Mexican food. You don’t think they have Mexican restaurants in Europe?? Plus lots of Europeans vacation in Mexico in the winter just like Americans.
And one would assume that an accomplished chef could at least improvise and use fresh ingredients instead of straight out of a box/can etc.
I’m no culinary genius, but I know for sure if I had made the dish before, it should not be served on a super yacht!
I’m in London and there are fantastic Mexican restaurants here, lots of street food type stuff and higher end restaurants, not much texmex outside of shipping centre food courts. I don’t even use old el paso at home and neither would anyone I know! Also Mila is Russian. I was in Mexico in January btw.