By Dalai Mama
Welcome to my first Below Deck Med recap. I’m Dalai Mama, cruise director of recreational maritime hedonism. Come on board the HMS Sirocco. Let’s dive right in and meet our crew, shall we?
We are graced once again with the leadership of my First Imaginary Future Wife, Captain Sandy Yawn. In addition, the Bosun and Chief Stew are also familiar faces. Walking-MeToo-moment Joao Franco will be heading up the exterior, while Hannah Ferrier reprises her role as the Chief Stew Mime.
Beavis, Butthead, and Me
So surprise, Sirocco’s new chef is a woman, Mila Kolomeitseva. She says that she believes female chefs are underrated. I guess she’s here to change all that. I want to believe. But I have a bad feeling about this one.
Oh and hey, there’s Travis the deckhand. Travis confides that because he does a lot of stupid shit, people think he’s an idiot. Aesha is introduced as the new second stew. She would like us to know that she has the work ethic of someone in their thirties, the body of someone in their twenties, and the mind of a boy going through puberty. So basically, we have both Beavis and Butthead fused into a smokin’ hot bod. I remain unconvinced.
Taking A Dip In The Liverpool
Anastasia, third stew, wants us to know she has an “immigrant work ethic”. I’m going to presume that doesn’t mean she’d hire an undocumented nanny to herd Lhasa Apsos and unpack her suitcases. Anastasia likes being in charge. What an adorable characteristic.
Deckhand Jack is wide-eyed with labradoodle hair and an aggressively Liverpudlian accent. It’s like he’s channeling an alternate version of Paul McCartney. A version dropped on its head in infancy by Mummy McCartney.
Making it Work
Colin has re-upped as a deckhand. I seem to remember liking Colin, but I have memory issues. He says he feels like a European guru, and proves his mettle by offering the Burger King pronunciation of the word “croissant”.
Hugging it out in the wheelhouse are Hannah and My First Imaginary Future Wife, Captain Sandy. They are going to make it work this season. Hannah’s going to make it work with Joao too. That’s a lot of work, considering this is Hannah. I hope she doesn’t pull a muscle.
Why, this Captain is a WOMAN!
The girl chef-not-cook barely suppresses a spasm when she meets Captain Sandy. She gives the Captain A Look. Like a soprano meeting her conductor, only to find the conductor is 6 years old and wearing a Hello Kitty tuxedo. “First time I see a captain like that!” quoth she. I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. I’m afraid of that girl.
Deckhand Travis topples lightly into a breach of etiquette by calling My First Imaginary Future Wife “Sandy”. She crisply reminds him that it is “Captain. Captain Sandy. We’re not friends.” Just keelhaul him or take away his ration of grog and spotted dick, or whatever it is they do.
But They Do All Look Alike To Me
Look, I’m just not pleased with the Aesha/Anastasia situation. We’ve meandered into Teddi/Denise territory. I literally cannot tell them apart. The AA names aren’t helping. Plunk Hannah into the mix, and we’re just two sunny blonde chicks shy of the Dionne quintuplets. Corn-silk hair. Sculpted eyebrows. Sleepy eyes. Millennial lips. Sentences that go like this, “Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah.” This is hell. No, worse than hell. This is like being at a Tinsley Mortimer Convention where cosplay is mandatory.
When Chunks Must Be Blown
Joao is making the self-proclaimed idiot Travis his first deckhand. The idiot is from Australia too? This is starting to feel like a soft invasion to me.
Oh, fun surprise! Chef Mila is spontaneously barfing. I’m going to take as a further harbinger of doom. Meanwhile, the motley crew is called to the main salon for their first meeting. The primary is a luxury mortgage broker which is industry slang for morally bankrupt. Captain Sandy is talking tough. “If I wake up thinking about you, it is your last day on board.”
What Goes Down Must Come Up
Class dismissed. Now everybody is zooming around cleaning and swabbing and stuff. Except for Jack, who is hanging out on the dock having a sodee-pop and whistling Strawberry Fields Forever. Hannah discusses meals with the chef until Mila makes the Vomit Proximity Alarm face and runs off to spew. This is no regular vomit. It’s Siberian-Russian-female-chef vomit. Keep your distance.
Anastasia is delivering a well-rehearsed monologue to Hannah. She wants clear direction. If you show her something once, she can do it forever. She wants to do things right. She is a perfectionist and a people-pleaser. I predict she’ll be the one who ends up barricaded in a cabin blaring death metal and refusing to do any work. We’ll see.
Let’s Talk About Six, Baby
More things are cleaned and folded and pressed, but not spindled or mutilated. Travis declares that he thinks Hannah is sexy and Iraq City. Or Rack City. Or Eric’s ditty. Something.
Aesha likes to talk about six. She has six on the brain, and would also like to have sixual relations very soon. But for now, she’s content to share her thoughts about butt-six. Hannah and Joao yak and confabulate on deck. We learn that Hannah is always up for douche-bags changing themselves. I have to say, I am concerned that may be a health code violation.
The Best Rooms Have Big Dongs
Captain Sandy asks the third stew to help Chef Mila. When Anastasia asks said chef if she has any tongs in the galley, she gets a blank, dry-heave of a look. So Anastasia adds the international sign language symbol for tongs which is basically “Clip! Clip!”
The guests arrive, and Hannah gives them a boat tour. Big Daddy’s room has a generously proportioned bathtub. Hannah recommends the other guests take a room that has a “big dong.” I had thought Hannah’s first language was English. J’accuse.
Our Lady Of Perpetual Dissatisfaction
As the ship leaves the dock, one of the guests is swinging from the roof. Said guest then expresses free-floating dissatisfaction with all motion. “They’re parking,” she bleats. “They’re turning. What are they doing?” Big Daddy doesn’t know. Someone brings her an adult beverage in a bottle which soothes her savage breast.
Anastasia adds “Type A personality” to her perfectionist-people-pleaser CV. She and Jack escort the guests onshore and promptly abandon them. They get lost looking for a place that sells milk. The guests huddle together on the pavement, alone, confused, and bewildered.
When Tacos Disturb
Everyone is zooming around getting the boat ready for mealtime. Except for Jack, who is lying in his bunk humming “Penny Lane”.
We’re going to have to talk about dinner. Mila’s making Mexican. (Sounds like a porno). Captain Sandy is taken aback by the sight of the tacos. Sandy’s words of wisdom: “Seeing the tacos is Very. Disturbing. To. Me.”
The Vomiting Gourmet dumps some Tostitos and random corn niblets on a plate and sprinkles some cheese over the top. “Okay, that’s ready to go,” she says. For the first time in nine years, Hannah refuses to take a dish out to the guests. The nachos are discreetly whisked away and forced to walk the plank.
Don’t Bogart the Microwave
The guests regard their plates quizzically. Big Daddy makes a polite comment about Taco Bell Drive Thru. Meanwhile, Mila is warming up the steaks in the microwave. Hannah has nivver, ivver, seen a chef put steak in the microwave. Ominous music plays. I was right. Girl Chef is The Omen 2.
Next week on the Below Deck Med recap: A guest has the world’s most ebullient reaction to the water-slide. Many drinky-poos are consumed. Guests bellow at crew. Rampant drunken canoodling occurs amongst the crew. Chef-not-Cook Mila whips up a homophobic souffle.