By Dalai Mama
Welcome back to Metropolitan Schadenfreude. We begin this RHONY Recap in the first circle of Hell’s Kitchen, where Luann is rehearsing her eagerly awaited (by Luann) Christmas Cabaret. Sonja decides to drop in on the rehearsal, and zooms into the studio like a highly-sexed elf on Red Bull. Luann goes full-throttle basso profundo in her rendition of “Jingle Bells”, visiting the deepest and darkest depths of her vocal range, probably because she’s got a cask of Amontillado buried down there somewhere.
Sonja is verrrry jacked up. Accusations are flying in talking heads. Countess Not Pleased. The spectre of pills is being raised. “Am I being uncool?” Sonja exuberantly shouts at Ben Rimalower. “I don’t want to be all, like, uncool! I just don’t want you to fail after all this success.” Someone tells Chris the “coffee guy” to take Sonja out into the hall and run lines. Hmmm. I think Sonja’s probably got that covered. Luann introduces her newest schtick by announcing that she is presenting Dorinda with the First Annual Jovani Award for Magnanimous Glamour.
Yeah, that’s gonna go over about as well as General Lee’s northern offensive at Gettysburg. The Countess does not agree. “You know what? I can do whatever I want,” she bleats. Which is of course how she ended up in Jailvani last time.
The VIP of all Tree Lightings
Dorinda totters in to the Lotte New York Palace for a holiday tree lighting ceremony. She’s wearing an aggressively sequined red dress. It looks like the Signature Studio 54 Christmas Tea Cozy manufactured by Old Navy. She helpfully explains that this it the “VIP version of tree lighting. That explains Hannah and John’s presence. Sonja tells Tinsley she just saved Luann from writing a “Dorinda whoops” into her show. Dorinda gets all litigious at the mere mention of it.
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The Jacob Marley-esque spectre of pills is raised again, and whether Sonja is on some kind of stimulant. Luanne asks the other girls if they’ve noticed Sonja is “uppity.” Um, okay. That is not what uppity means.
Jill Zarin wafts into the tree lighting like a martini burp. You don’t see it coming and then blammo, there’s nothing to do but wait a few minutes for the smell to dissipate. The girls discuss being excited about Miami. Ramona says Miami means “men” and her eyes glint like sad little rhinestones. Then, Dorinda informs Luann that her name better not be mentioned in the show. “Life is a cabaret,” Luann wheezes breezily. “And I can talk about whatever the hell I want to. I can DO whatever I want.” Yes. Cut. Wrap. Print. Jailvani.
Debauchery at his finest.
The girls are shopping at some kind of stealth showroom in midtown. Astonishingly, Luann has managed to offend just about everyone. Bethenny got grief for leaving a tree-decorating event after an hour because DAUGHTER. They hypothesize that Luann “might try to be Queen Bee” in Miami. Bethenny predicts that if this happens, she’s going to “pop off”. This is beginning to smell like one of those Greek tragedies where the bodies start piling up before intermission. Meanwhile, Tinsley pleads with her Luis Vuitton suitcase to make a commitment to her. What a struggle. I feel like what the producers can’t show is she’s trying to zip Dale into the bag.
Finally, Miami! Ramona has overpacked again. There is a skirmish over who goes in what car. Sonja is “only a little gassy.” She announces in the sedan that she’s just farted and it’s still in her jeans. She gets out and does the hokey-pokey on the sidewalk until the all-clear siren sounds.
Harry Dubious
They reach the house. Dorinda is VERY EXCITED. Barbara has decided she’s having fun in her regular, deadpan-with-a-hint-of-glitter way. Tinsley admits she ran into Harry Dubin who was French-kissing with Ramona. “Harry Dubious, that’s what they call him,” Sonja says.
The house is Insane. It’s all gleaming white floors and black onyx walls and right-angles. That house says blood spatter to me. No one should walk into that house without putting on those little forensic investigator paper booties. This house has Gil Grissom written all over it. So, I’m already separating the vics from the perps.
Rooms are sorted out. Ramona cackles with glee and goes in with a husbandry hug with Sonja as they score the master bedroom. Their bedroom has a painting of blood splatter hanging over the bed to provide a little foreshadowing.
His name is Tej (not Bridey)
Ramona takes Tej the houseboy hostage and forces him to watch her unpack. Sonja wants her turn. She is three sheets to the wind. Sonja calls Tej Rosh, and Tosh, and Taj. She hurls the only pair of underwear she owns across the room and voila. She’s unpacked.
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Dorinda oozes into a Pucci-meets-Powerpuff-Girls gown and appoints herself Drinkmaster. Dorinda is making a pre-dress drink with the drink boy. She is well and truly hammered. Even her hair looks drunk. She commands the drink boy to taste the drink. Drink boy wisely concurs that Dorinda has made the mojito nice.
Please Don’t Pee In The Bathtub
Bethenny arrives in time to hear Ramona shrilly protesting she did not make out with Harry Dubin. Was Barbara just captioned as “Luann’s friend” like we’ve never seen her before? Bethenny is alarmed by Sonja’s drunken shrieking. Sonja pees in the bathtub.
Tej tries to get dinner on the table. Sonja speaks in tongues and trying to give him an inverse Heimlich maneuver.
The gals gather around around the Table of Doom. Sonja starts eating directly out of one of the serving dishes. Luanne gloats in her talking head that Sonja is on something more than all-cahol. Luanne announces she will be bringing some “guys” to the house tomorrow. Sonja bristles, having already been deemed Curator of Cock by Bethenny.
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Sonja demands that all men be shared equally. “Throw me a guy! Sonja orders.
“I’m not going to throw you a guy that I’ve been dating and kissed,” Ramona daintily objects. The conversation sinks back to Harry Dubin and Tom D’Agostino. Sonja accused everyone of man-thievery.
Dorinda invokes Girl code, and Luanne commands, “Dorinda, thou shalt refraineth from becoming involved.”
Dorinda waves her hands around, and we can see that her thumb is touching her other fingers. She is making The Sign. Danger, Danger Will Robinson. Then, Dorinda declares that she will say whatever she fucking wants. She says she’s taking a page from Luanne’s book and will also sue her.
Sonja tells Luanne’s Sober Eyes that she has been her best advocate. Then, Luanne has a schadenfreude moment about not being the drunkest person in Florida.
The Cabaret Cult
Sonja practically vaults across the table at Luann, and tells Luann to get off her high horse. Appalled by this unladylike suggestion, Luann exits in a huff, and says she will not deal with Sonja when she’s drinking. Drunken Dorinda drunkenly defends drunken Sonja. Ominous music begins to play. Bethenny chooses this moment to arrive at the table. Bethenny decides it’s time to attempt to reach the leader of the Cabaret Cult, then goes to find Luann to see if she can handle the truth. “I’m here to talk, I’m not here to listen,” Bethenny say, then concisely rips Luann a new one. It’s way harsh, Tai, but everything Bethenny tells Luann is true. In a stunning turn of events, Luann doesn’t get it.
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Luann goes to bed and Bethenny returns to the soon-to-be-weaponized dinner table. Ramona is ready to get gussied up and go out dowsing for Turtle Time. Does Ramona know what “shoot your wad early” means? Ramona doesn’t want Barbara to go out with her and Tinsley. Sonja is listing badly to port. Bethenny gives the Sacred Scary Island command, “Go the fuck to sleep.” Sonja complies instantly, and goes down so fast even the Titanic would have been proud.
On next week’s RHONY Recap: Ambulances are summoned. Sonja cannot remember who the president is (confirming my theory that she is in fact the luckiest woman in New York City.
Hole crap! I’m so excited read your recap Dalia Mama but I’m going to save it until I’ve watched the episode so I can savor every one of your observations!
Good job TTxxoo
I am so over Luann. I have decided that her Countess shtick is a defense mechanism. When she is hiding some kind of personal drama, the Countess comes out to protect her. She deflects. She ignores. She pretends. All to keep her personal drama at bay. The first few seasons it was due to the fact she was hiding marriage issues/divorce. Now it is because she is hiding legal issues and alcoholism. But it is unbearable. I really disliked her the first few seasons, I dislike her now.
Sonja should not drink. Dorinda should not drink. Ramona is gross for going after Harry (mainly cause he is gross). Tinsley is totally the little sister. Why is Barbara on the show? She will not be coming back next season I am sure. The house in Miami reminded me again of how nice it would be to be rich. Only NY and BH trips ever really remind me of how rich these women are.
Because only Beverly Hills and NY have real money.
Yep, Luann in the first several seasons (through Morocco) was insufferable. She was extremely condescending, especially to Bethenny. I think the season when she fucked the Johnny Depp lookalike is when I started to slightly warm up to her. I think the following season was when she said, “Don’t be so uncool.” She was relaxed and funny.
Since she was humiliated last year by the divorce and then the arrest, she has something to prove again, making her a pain in the ass. She wants to show off in front of Bethenny, to prove that she pulled her act together, literally. But no one gives a shit.
AMAZING RECAP! Holy shitballs that was hilarious!
For anyone who cares, the house is on the Biscayne Bay side of Sunny Isles with amazing sunset views of downtown. They aren’t in South Beach.
Also from what they are showing, it looks more like they were in for Boat Show which is in February and not Art Basel which is early December.
Something is definitely going on with Sonja.
Nope, they were there for Art Basel https://tamaratattles.com/2018/12/04/rhony-have-descended-on-miami-for-art-basel/
Okay just saw that, thanks TT. The footage they were showing looked like Boat Show over the Miami Marine Stadium with all the big yachts.
Art Basel has turned into a shitshow but still a lot of fun.
I lived in Sunny Isles Florida when it was still being called North North Miami Beach. Cannot wait to see the area again. Great recap Dali Mama, keep em coming.
@marc you can see The Aqualina towers in the background. Love Sunny Isles.
This is slightly off topic but there is a great documentary on Netflix now about Miami Beach in it’s hey day, when many Jewish retirees flocked down there. It’s called, “The Last Resort’ It’s really interesting and if you’re over 50 and grew up in Florida or going there than you’ll love this doc.
@JoJoFLL Thanks! Such a delicious episode to work with.
I was trying to figure out which island they were on, but I wasn’t paying close enough attention.
I kept drifting off into remembering the house in North Bay Village that I lust after…on the water, with stunning bay and city views (on what else? Miami View Drive).
That “Villa Vendome” is certainly stunning, though not very home-y. Like living in a museum.
Love the Gil Grissom reference!
LA_in_KY, in the best of worlds, the gods would give us a RHNY/CSI mash-up. We deserve it.
But can you imagine the amount of, ahem, splatters that aren’t blood the black light would show? The horror!
Holy crap! This recap is hysterical. Thank you for the complete belly-laugh-my-sides-hurt-and-I-think-I-just-peed-a-little.
I couldn’t have worded it better myself, GertieKat! Thank you.
Dalai Mama? When I came upon your first description of The Countess as “a highly sexed elf on Red Bull”, I considered it akin to literary genius, but then you followed that with a hundred more!
Please, please, please give us more of these fabulous recaps. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed one more, plus, you didn’t miss a thing. Now I have to re-watch it through the eyes of your brilliant powers of observation.
Jailvani!!!! ?. Honestly, best recap ever. I fell asleep and just laughed ten times at recap. Clever. Thanks!
I loved “Jailvani” too. Every time I think of it I hear Dorinda yelling it at the top of her lungs
Thanks, English Rose! These women practically write their own parodies. It’s all too delightfully sordid.
Really great job. Spot on and funny. I’m sure TT appreciates the break as well. ; )
@Gertie Kat, well ain’t you sweet! Thank you!
very witty. Luann is so self-aware from all her time in AA- of course she can diagnose Sonja being on “uppity”.
Awesome! I loved this recap. Keep them coming.
OMG, this is one of the best reviews you’ve written! “Sonja complies instantly and goes down so fast even the Titanic would have been proud,” is my favorite line of the year. I felt so sorry for the house staff from the minute that bunch walked into the house.
My girl Dalai Lama stepped in for me. She’s amazing.
I am nothing with you, Oh Glorious Leader.
withOUT you. Jesus. It’s only 7am. I should not be typing or driving or commanding the armed forces at this hour.
Here are some words I never thought I’d write: in Ramona’s defense, “shoot your wad” isn’t actually technically a dirty expression. I did not feel like Bethenny came off well in this episode, as Dorinda and Sonja were absolutely blotto and no matter how obnoxious Lu has been, I felt she was right not to sit there and take abuse from two drunk people. Bethenny stomped in as usual and delivered her two cents without really knowing what had happened. She is one of those people who has always been the smartest person in the room and thinks it’s a comment on her as opposed to the rooms she’s been in. Am I the only one who noticed how she spoke to her assistant about packing the hat? And she’s been a personal assistant. I really don’t understand how Sonja and Dorinda can watch their behavior season after season and still continue to get so wasted on television, especially as they have children. It defies comprehension; it is so, so, so embarrassing.
Yeah, I booed at the TV when Bethanny snapped at her assistant.
I noticed that too!!! She was soooo fuckin rude for no reason. That poor assistant, I hope she’s paid well cause there’s no way I couldn’t deal with that day in and out.
As an executive assistant, I cringed. Can’t stand bosses (notice I didn’t say leaders) who treat their assistants like crap. The girl probably has a master’s degree and IS smarter than Bethenny. Who doesn’t have time to throw some crap in a suitcase for a weekend? Why have a glam squad just to go downstairs and eat? 3 people working on her at one time. It’s ridiculous.
Permerler, I agree with you 100%. Bethenny was awful to her PA. If she could be like that on TV she’s probably worse in real life.
Was hoping you’d be the sub, Dalai! I am so behind on these episodes. Will have to catch up before I read!
Dalai Mama, your recap was great – shades of Brian Moylan…
Yes!!!
@Shredder J. Music to my ears! Thank you – I’m kvelling.
UGH sorry you are in moderation again. I’m working on it now.
I laughed when Lu said she had to stay sober, “no matter what happens”. As if there would ever might be an emergency situation where she’d need to drink. Although, like most, I assume she was taking a quiet nip here and there all season long.
I’m so happy that you’ve thrown your hat in the recapping ring! I’ve loved your input since I showed up to the TT party and miss you terribly when I don’t get to snicker at your asides. I enjoyed your recap more than the show! Bravo and kudos Dalai Mama!!
Love your recap. “Even her hair looks drunk” best description ever
Great recap, DalaiMama!
Your wit is reminiscent of (dare I say?) the great Richard Lawson! And I don’t say that lightly.
Anyone else notice that Jill Zarin was captioned, “Jill, Dorinda’s friend”?
HahahaHAHAHAhahaha!
I mean, even Lynn Curtin gets a “former OC Housewife” acknowledgement on her chyron when she makes an appearance. ???
Oh, and LuAnn:
Well, they do say that the first step is admitting that everyone else has a problem!
Get off Sonja’s jock. It just makes you look (more) foolish.
I missed that! Oh the shade!
I noticed Jill only received the caption “Dorinda’s friend” too. Ahahhha!! You know when she saw that she had a shit fit. That was not a mistake.
I am not going to lie. I honestly think I am pretty damn funny.
This recap is the frickin Comedy Pulitzer of your recaps.
Outdid yourself.
I am just cracking up over here! Damn this is just so good!
How are these woman so damn self unaware? Their behaviour is filmed and they still don’t see a problem.
Tinsley is really growing on me, although I don’t know how much more of the pack she can take.
For Sonya and Ramona, this is all they have so they have to bring it every season and act like fools.
Hysterical, I got a good belly laugh and I love those!! Kudos to all of your observations but the one about Sonja instantly complying the Titanic would be proud put me over the top. I had to run out of my office to the bathroom to let that howl out! I immediately got the visual.
I can’t help but love Lu. I think she is one of those people that alcohol was invented for. She was never a mean drunk, didn’t seem to have hangovers and seemed to know her limit. I think she had a bad night when she got arrested and is having a hard time getting with the program. I have no doubt she will cause she is the epitome of taking a lickin and keep on ticking!
There is a crazy conspiracy theory that JP Morgan plotted the sinking of the Titanic to damage his nemesis, the Rothschild family. ?
Not sure where he got an iceberg, but he did cancel his ticket at the last minute.
JP Morgan owed the company that built the Titanic.
I kinda agree with your opinion about Luann and alcohol, to a degree. This season has been a bit of a sad eye opener for me…I “see” her now with better corrected Rx lenses. I’ve always known Luann had a superiority complex, kinda part of her appeal/disgust…HW gold. She got herself into a very bad and what I can only imagine, a very scary legal situation with THE LAW. I truly thought after last season we’d see all the best of Luann this season but we haven’t and now we know why.
Luann may have been able to handle her liquor in the past but she crossed a serious line. She defied the terms of her probation. She’s continued to drink, she’s lied about it and tried to hide it. She’s had the gall to complain, on camera, that her probation officer was harsh. I think her PO gave her too much slack, probably sensory overload on PO’s part with this type of sentence as most people in Luann’s situation probably comply with their terms, scared out of their minds or are completely off the rails and require more attention by PO. Lu blatantly thought she couldn’t be bothered with her probation which imho would have been very beneficial if she’d have just complied, stopped drinking, gone to AA, done her CS and kept working, completely doable and she wouldn’t look like half the pompous ass she does right now. She’s absolutely an ugly, miserable person this season and it saddens me.
Whole recap was awesome, but the last sentence was everything! Thank you!
Brilliant recap! I could see Dorinda & Tinsley yelling “Jailvani” at the cabaret table.
I was so amused reading it, that I did a Lisa Rinna and laughed so hard at myself that I slapped my knee!
What a fantastic recap Dali Mama!!! I watched episode, but always come to TT for the recaps. This was hilarious! I was roaring with laughter. Jailvani! Dorinda’s hair looked drunk!!
Why oh why did everyone ignore drunk Sonja?? I wanted to reach into the tv and help her?? She was beyond wasted and they just didn’t even lift a finger! It’s like they ALL were in denial about how bad she was and she was BAD… worse than Mexico bad. Dorinda looked like she was a teetotaler by comparison although her hair did look like it had not the bottle.
Thanks for the recap!
Sorry… thick fingers!
*her hair looked like it had hit the bottle!
I can’t remember a HW episode where each HW was so exaggeratedly their true selves on steroids, it could have been a parody skit on SNL! Insanely hilarious, schadenfraude is right and in this case I am not ashamed of my out and out love for this episode or your recap Dalia Mama. You nailed it!
I guess Sonja is ok? It looked like her foot was caught somehow at the back of her chair. I’m all worried about blood splatter now, lol.
Dorinda didn’t flinch or bat an eye, oh goodness! Next week Ramona and Tinsley running past the EMTs to get to to the car that will take them to men??? You just can’t make this stuff up!
I love Luann’s and Bethenny’s dresses!
This was a great recap. Probably better than the show. These women get totally out of control when they drink, aside from RHOOC, I really don’t think the other franchises handle their alcohol so poorly. I hope Bravo paid the poor house staff well. They deserve it.
Well done Dalai Mama! I too can now hear Dorinda slur Jailvani ?
Ummm…this recap was everything.
‘Jailvani’ needs an auto tune dance remix stat.
Great recap! I laughed from start to finish. Glad I didn’t have to sit through all Sonja’s oversharing by watching. My 10 year old son has better manners.
Ok, seriously, WTF is Sonya on? Wow.
Funniest recap ever!
I laughed out loud at listing to port, that was funny
This was an amazing recap.
I’m three paragraphs in and laughing so hard I’m not sure I can finish. I’ve always loved your snark in comments, but I’m not sure I can survive an entire recap. Dalai Mama, you are almost as awesome as Tamara.
Dorinda: even her hair was drunk.
Sonja is listing badly to port.
Jailvani.
Damn, you are on fire.
I was laughing my ass off at the Clueless reference “way harsh, Tai” pure gold
Well, that was one entertaining recap. Will you marry me?
@UTattleTale Can you support me financially, avoid my husband in the hallways, and always get me VIP passes to Star Trek Conventions? If that’s a yes, yes, and a yes, then my answer is YES.
When the recap is far superior to the actual TV show! Kuddos to TT and to you, Dalai Mama – this recaup was priceless and hysterical!!! Tamara’s Tattles is THE best on the internet!
Great recap!
I loved the white sleekness of the house.
Every week Luann amazes me with her pompousness. I am more than over her.
Dorinda is right when she said Sonja can act all happy, but when she is drunk, the truth–her pain–comes out. And even though they kept seizing on “thirty years ago” and telling Sonja to get over the past, the truth is she was with Harry much more recently and also with Tom right before Lu latched onto him. In fact, she thought she still had a thing with Tom until she heard he was with Lu. I can understand that she feels betrayed by her friends.
Once again, Tinsley behaved appropriately. I’m not a Barbara fan, but Ramona’s rudeness was beyond.
I wish the show would drop Lu, Ramona, and Barbara and just have Bethenny, Tinsley, sober Dorinda, and sober Sonja. I want to see fun and cleverness, not sloppy drunkenness, and not entitled Lu.
I can see I’m going to totally cringe next episode, because it is going to involve Ramona and a guy.
This recap was the perfect antidote to a terrible week. I geared up when I saw DalaiMama, but it exceeded every expectation. (I hope you are feeling better TT.)
What a clusterfuck. Maybe if I had seen this episode before I began drinking, I never would have started. Or maybe not. EVERY ONE of these women acted like a parody of themselves. Sonja … whatever she is ON, I am relieved she doesn’t drive.
Bethany is funny, but the assistant scene was painful. LuAnn should be sentenced to community service at a place for people dying of cirrhosis. Old, rich, once-important people. Even if she didn’t see herself, they could verbally abuse the holy fuck out of her.
I like Tinsley more each week. I died over “frenching,” which I haven’t heard used since high school. HOW can next week live up to this. Oh … sirens.
These are the most obnoxious, low rent, low class housewives in the franchise. Amazing how people dismiss their behavior because they have a little money. Nope! They are truly gutter rats!
This episode was lit. Great recap. I was excited Jill would have something to say, but sadly, yes, she was relegated to friend status as was Barbara I believe. Barbara need to go. Just let these ladies roam freely. They know how to bring it. That house was fabulous. Sonja seems to be on the same substance train as Kelly on Scary Island. Minus the crazy. Sonja was ridiculous and Ramona too with the staff. Cringe-inducing. Dorinda mixing that drink with that poor guy standing there. Ugh.
To me, Dorinda was wrong and so was Sonja, and since when is Dorinda backing up Sonja? I can see the exasperation with Lu before this episode, but Lu was in the right here. Sonja is delusional. Bethenny looked stunning, but her walking in with wine to tell off Lu was bizarre. Can’t wait until next week.
Agree about Lu getting jumped on by the drunk duo. Bethenny was on a mission and was going to have her say, regardless. Seemed like piling on. Haven’t they all said this ad nauseam? I felt for Lu this episode.
I don’t know how she thought she could manage sobriety and still be part of this show. I love these broads, but damn they can down and dirty.
DalaiMama, this was brilliant. My favorite was the description of Dorinda’s dress. Perfection. And you are far better than Moylan, who’s been phoning it in lately.
Yes, ma’am. Can’t wait til next week. Fire Rescue for Sonja. Unreal.
Where have you been? You are much needed around here. Mostly because you articulate everything I am thinking better than me. xo ~tt
Hi TT, long-time fan coming out of hiding to tell you that your Cask of Amontillado line has me laughing so hard that I can’t read the rest of your sure-to-be-amazing recap. Thank you! PS-I’m growing tomatoes, basil, peppers, Sugar Magnolia snap peas, and a shade mixture of flowers here in Atlanta. If it will make you feel happy, let me know and I’ll bring you some pesto.
@ericzku You are slaying me with the Richard Lawson reference. I’m frantically Wayne’s-World-genuflecting “I am not worthy!”
Sorry that I’m so late to the recap. Dalai Mama, you killed it! Tears of laughter! My mascara could not handle your recap and I used setting spray. Sonja seriously scared me. I’m still shocked by the other ladies’ blasé attitude towards her level of intoxication. She was above and beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. God bless her.