By Dalai Mama
Welcome back to Metropolitan Schadenfreude. We begin this RHONY Recap in the first circle of Hell’s Kitchen, where Luann is rehearsing her eagerly awaited (by Luann) Christmas Cabaret. Sonja decides to drop in on the rehearsal, and zooms into the studio like a highly-sexed elf on Red Bull. Luann goes full-throttle basso profundo in her rendition of “Jingle Bells”, visiting the deepest and darkest depths of her vocal range, probably because she’s got a cask of Amontillado buried down there somewhere.
Sonja is verrrry jacked up. Accusations are flying in talking heads. Countess Not Pleased. The spectre of pills is being raised. “Am I being uncool?” Sonja exuberantly shouts at Ben Rimalower. “I don’t want to be all, like, uncool! I just don’t want you to fail after all this success.” Someone tells Chris the “coffee guy” to take Sonja out into the hall and run lines. Hmmm. I think Sonja’s probably got that covered. Luann introduces her newest schtick by announcing that she is presenting Dorinda with the First Annual Jovani Award for Magnanimous Glamour.
Yeah, that’s gonna go over about as well as General Lee’s northern offensive at Gettysburg. The Countess does not agree. “You know what? I can do whatever I want,” she bleats. Which is of course how she ended up in Jailvani last time.
The VIP of all Tree Lightings
Dorinda totters in to the Lotte New York Palace for a holiday tree lighting ceremony. She’s wearing an aggressively sequined red dress. It looks like the Signature Studio 54 Christmas Tea Cozy manufactured by Old Navy. She helpfully explains that this it the “VIP version of tree lighting. That explains Hannah and John’s presence. Sonja tells Tinsley she just saved Luann from writing a “Dorinda whoops” into her show. Dorinda gets all litigious at the mere mention of it.
The Jacob Marley-esque spectre of pills is raised again, and whether Sonja is on some kind of stimulant. Luanne asks the other girls if they’ve noticed Sonja is “uppity.” Um, okay. That is not what uppity means.
Jill Zarin wafts into the tree lighting like a martini burp. You don’t see it coming and then blammo, there’s nothing to do but wait a few minutes for the smell to dissipate. The girls discuss being excited about Miami. Ramona says Miami means “men” and her eyes glint like sad little rhinestones. Then, Dorinda informs Luann that her name better not be mentioned in the show. “Life is a cabaret,” Luann wheezes breezily. “And I can talk about whatever the hell I want to. I can DO whatever I want.” Yes. Cut. Wrap. Print. Jailvani.
Debauchery at his finest.
The girls are shopping at some kind of stealth showroom in midtown. Astonishingly, Luann has managed to offend just about everyone. Bethenny got grief for leaving a tree-decorating event after an hour because DAUGHTER. They hypothesize that Luann “might try to be Queen Bee” in Miami. Bethenny predicts that if this happens, she’s going to “pop off”. This is beginning to smell like one of those Greek tragedies where the bodies start piling up before intermission. Meanwhile, Tinsley pleads with her Luis Vuitton suitcase to make a commitment to her. What a struggle. I feel like what the producers can’t show is she’s trying to zip Dale into the bag.
Finally, Miami! Ramona has overpacked again. There is a skirmish over who goes in what car. Sonja is “only a little gassy.” She announces in the sedan that she’s just farted and it’s still in her jeans. She gets out and does the hokey-pokey on the sidewalk until the all-clear siren sounds.
They reach the house. Dorinda is VERY EXCITED. Barbara has decided she’s having fun in her regular, deadpan-with-a-hint-of-glitter way. Tinsley admits she ran into Harry Dubin who was French-kissing with Ramona. “Harry Dubious, that’s what they call him,” Sonja says.
The house is Insane. It’s all gleaming white floors and black onyx walls and right-angles. That house says blood spatter to me. No one should walk into that house without putting on those little forensic investigator paper booties. This house has Gil Grissom written all over it. So, I’m already separating the vics from the perps.
Rooms are sorted out. Ramona cackles with glee and goes in with a husbandry hug with Sonja as they score the master bedroom. Their bedroom has a painting of blood splatter hanging over the bed to provide a little foreshadowing.
His name is Tej (not Bridey)
Ramona takes Tej the houseboy hostage and forces him to watch her unpack. Sonja wants her turn. She is three sheets to the wind. Sonja calls Tej Rosh, and Tosh, and Taj. She hurls the only pair of underwear she owns across the room and voila. She’s unpacked.
Dorinda oozes into a Pucci-meets-Powerpuff-Girls gown and appoints herself Drinkmaster. Dorinda is making a pre-dress drink with the drink boy. She is well and truly hammered. Even her hair looks drunk. She commands the drink boy to taste the drink. Drink boy wisely concurs that Dorinda has made the mojito nice.
Please Don’t Pee In The Bathtub
Bethenny arrives in time to hear Ramona shrilly protesting she did not make out with Harry Dubin. Was Barbara just captioned as “Luann’s friend” like we’ve never seen her before? Bethenny is alarmed by Sonja’s drunken shrieking. Sonja pees in the bathtub.
Tej tries to get dinner on the table. Sonja speaks in tongues and trying to give him an inverse Heimlich maneuver.
The gals gather around around the Table of Doom. Sonja starts eating directly out of one of the serving dishes. Luanne gloats in her talking head that Sonja is on something more than all-cahol. Luanne announces she will be bringing some “guys” to the house tomorrow. Sonja bristles, having already been deemed Curator of Cock by Bethenny.
Sonja demands that all men be shared equally. “Throw me a guy! Sonja orders.
“I’m not going to throw you a guy that I’ve been dating and kissed,” Ramona daintily objects. The conversation sinks back to Harry Dubin and Tom D’Agostino. Sonja accused everyone of man-thievery.
Dorinda invokes Girl code, and Luanne commands, “Dorinda, thou shalt refraineth from becoming involved.”
Dorinda waves her hands around, and we can see that her thumb is touching her other fingers. She is making The Sign. Danger, Danger Will Robinson. Then, Dorinda declares that she will say whatever she fucking wants. She says she’s taking a page from Luanne’s book and will also sue her.
Sonja tells Luanne’s Sober Eyes that she has been her best advocate. Then, Luanne has a schadenfreude moment about not being the drunkest person in Florida.
The Cabaret Cult
Sonja practically vaults across the table at Luann, and tells Luann to get off her high horse. Appalled by this unladylike suggestion, Luann exits in a huff, and says she will not deal with Sonja when she’s drinking. Drunken Dorinda drunkenly defends drunken Sonja. Ominous music begins to play. Bethenny chooses this moment to arrive at the table. Bethenny decides it’s time to attempt to reach the leader of the Cabaret Cult, then goes to find Luann to see if she can handle the truth. “I’m here to talk, I’m not here to listen,” Bethenny say, then concisely rips Luann a new one. It’s way harsh, Tai, but everything Bethenny tells Luann is true. In a stunning turn of events, Luann doesn’t get it.
Luann goes to bed and Bethenny returns to the soon-to-be-weaponized dinner table. Ramona is ready to get gussied up and go out dowsing for Turtle Time. Does Ramona know what “shoot your wad early” means? Ramona doesn’t want Barbara to go out with her and Tinsley. Sonja is listing badly to port. Bethenny gives the Sacred Scary Island command, “Go the fuck to sleep.” Sonja complies instantly, and goes down so fast even the Titanic would have been proud.
On next week’s RHONY Recap: Ambulances are summoned. Sonja cannot remember who the president is (confirming my theory that she is in fact the luckiest woman in New York City.