BY: POPCULTUREKELLY
A Summer House Recap airing the day after Game of Thrones and right after the Vanderpump Rules reunion should lighten this heavy heart. Ugh, the opening is not that promising. We have Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula still crying at dinner over Kyle’s past cheating. Damn it, where is Hannah Berner and her goofiness when we need her? Kyle wants instant forgiveness. Let’s be real, that will not happen until he proposes. A ring fixes everything y’all! Amanda implores Kyle to be patient with her and her parents regarding his indiscretion. They hug and kiss it out. I am so whatever at this point with them.
The rest of the gang comes home from their night out. Carl Radke is noticeably absent. He went to a wedding with another girl, so Paige DeSorbo has him crossed off her list for good. Jordan Verroi goes to bed with the only participant who cannot say no. #justiceforWestleySnipes. Jordan is bringing Erika, the beautiful girl he met last week, over to the house. The girls fill Amanda in on Jordan’s big erectile dysfunction bomb, as Jordan tells Kyle.
Look, I’m not going to mock or try to deep dive into why Jordan’s ED screams false. He has been a douche canoe since day one, but my heart goes out to him. I pray one day he can live his life authentically and proudly. Side note: These Pepsi commercials with Stassi Schroeder, Beau Clark, Amanda and Kyle are awful. Really, really bad.
Justin Time For Dinner And A Yacht
Later in the evening, there is a big dinner happening with most everyone bringing dates. Danielle Olivera is not bringing her hot Brit Max. But, Hannah is excited to bring hot Brit Dave. Jordan’s date Erika is bringing her escape plan, err, roommate. Both Erika and her roommate are clearly uncomfortable but take refuge in conversing with Danielle.
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Carl is missing out because Peyman arrives wearing a vest. Again. In the summer. Paige dons a face mask and teeth whitener in preparation for her date that is not happening on camera. She has been dating a man named Justin over the summer. Kyle takes that as she has been leading Carl on. Shut up Kyle. Hannah, Dave, Paige and Justin partied on Justin’s his yacht til dawn. Paige admits to having sex with him. This will not sit well with Carl.
The next morning, Lindsay comes back to the house after staying out with Peyman. Lindsay tells Danielle that Peyman yelled at her. She may be rethinking Peyman after that outburst. Kyle gives Paige a hard time about hanging out with Justin while talking to Carl. Ok Kyle. When you can not cheat in your own relationship, feel free to judge someone. Until then, take several freaking seats.
The Definitive Date From Hell
In the City, Carl tells us that he scored with his wedding date. It gave me Carl 1.0 flashbacks which were very unpleasant. Danielle has an axe throwing date with Max .How very RHONJ. It is actually a super cute date where they make it official that they are dating.
Elsewhere, the worst date is ever happen is happening. Jordan meets up with Erika for dinner. Poor Erika. I love you all too much to recap this horrific date. Bottom line? He asked her where she was conceived. And if he was her soul mate. PAINFULLY bad. She was very kind but firmly friendzoned him. Showing how in denial he is, he was actually flabbergasted by it. Erika, you are a saint for handling that date the way you did.
One Wedding and Carl’s Funeral
Lindsay, Carl and Hannah drive up to the Hamptons. Carl tells them how he got laid at the wedding. Because, classy. Oh, and he invited this woman to the house for the weekend. Hannah is not going to take this lying down. She tells Carl that Paige had a date on a yacht. Totally trump’s wedding sex, no? Carl is shook. Who takes a girl on a yacht on their first date? Lindsay corrects him that it most definitely was not their first date. You could actually see Carl’s ego deflate which was fantastic.
At the house Carl confronts Paige in the kitchen. They have a tense exchange that will probably boil over later. UGH the VanderPump Rules invasion is happening. I know that I am not the only one not looking forward to this. We do get a hilarious flashback of Stassi’s turtleneck bathing suit. On that visit Kyle called her Steve Jobs. That offended Stassi, but made us all laugh. As a joke, he went out and got four turtlenecks for Kyle, Amanda, Carl and Lindsay to greet the VPR gang with. Stassi’s sense of humor is different this season, so she can appreciate the gag.
Gorgeous Women Who Make Dumb Decisions
Amanda and Katie talk on the porch, as their guys trade cheating notes in the kitchen. Amanda is looking to Katie and Schwartz as the rainbow at the end of a cheat storm. If this does not sum up why she is still with Kyle, nothing will. If you are looking to Schwartz and Katie as couple goals, please aim higher.
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Up in Lindsay’s room, she is facetiming with Peyman. He makes a lewd comment to Stassi. Both blondes are livid! How dare he be so gross? Beau walks into the room. After hearing about Peyman, Beau drops the truth bomb that he is a piece of shit. Stassi cannot believe Lindsay is settling for this crap. Lindsay states she has to figure this out on her own. It is mindblowing what these smart, gorgeous women will accept from douchebags.
Lobster Bake, Watch Carl Shake
Everyone sits down for a gorgeous lobster dinner. I am about to wake the Husby up to get me some lobster (or”lobstah” as we Massholes call it). It looks GOOD. Okay, okay, I am focusing on the Summer House Recap again.
Stassi asks what was going on between Paige and Carl. Paige says that she kept Carl at bay because they only hung out and spoke on weekends. Carl gets defensive and says that he needs more than first base to keep being interested. Paige was hurt that Carl blindsided her with bringing another woman as a date to the wedding. Carl is hurt that Paige found a man with money who texts her regularly and treats her to nice dates.
The table begins to take sides, no one louder that Kyle. He accuses Paige of leading Carl on the entire summer. Paige is pissed. Amanda leaps from her chair to scream at Kyle to shut the hell up. Somehow, paper towels catch fire so Beau runs them to the pool. An apt end to a shit show of an episode.
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Next week on Summer House: More arguing. Carl tells the guys that Paige wanted to have sex with him. Paige erupts at Kyle, throwing his cheating back in his face. Kyle cries about dealing with the consequences of cheating to a very unsympathetic Stassi.
I do not know if I am emotionally drained from the ending of GOT and hating the VPR cast but I am spent. Not sure how I feel about this episode. I look forward to seeing what you all think about it. Let’s discuss in the comments! And come back next week for another Summer House Recap!
Lol, when I went back to binge seasons one and two, after seeing Stassi and the girls, that is exactly why I never watched it past half an episode.
I’ve enjoyed it, thanks Kelly. Recaps have kept me hanging in there, lol.
Haha I don’t blame you. Stassi and crew tend to ruin everything ? Awe Thank you!! And thank you for always retweeting and commenting 🙂
Thanks Kelly!
My brain is stuck on Jordan’s comment that he was glad he got his erectile dysfunction problem off his chest – and NOW he’s ready to start a relationship with Erika. Ummmm…… HUH? Really? Did he not see foresee problem there? He is no longer going to be Mr. Popular on the dating website after that pronouncement. I do feel sorry for him whatever his issues are – this show will not be good for him in the long run.
Thank YOU Janfan! Uuuugh he’s the worst, yet my heart goes out to him. I agree with you, it will not be good for him. Or maybe it will? Maybe he will have to stop living in denial?
With the exception of the hot Brits, every guy on this show is redefining douchebag.
Thanks for recapping this shit show because I’m still hopelessly addicted.
Haha Awwe thank you for reading! I honestly love this shit show! Lol. And I agree with you 1,000%. They really picked the cream of the douchebag crop with these gents
Disappointed in this episode. I feel that when Katie shows up, the whole vibe is dragged down the tubes. She is such a sour puss, and who would listen to her for relationship advice? I like The new Stassi well enough, but not really liking the crossover.
The more I watch this show, the more I’m losing interest in most of the characters, particularly the men. All of the men, except for the new British dudes, but will probably be disappointed by them as well once they get more screen time. Hannah is the best!!
Thanks for the recap!!
Thank you for reading! Uugh katie is the worst. She’s a succubus that sucks the life out of everywhere she goes. Yessss to all that you said! Love, love, love Hannah
WOW, Jordan is extra fucked up. To think he would rather have people think he had ED problems instead of being gay. And he was SO incredibly AWKWARD with that girl! Are you my soul mate? EW! I would be very surprised if she ever sees him again (of course she might just to be on the show).
Haaa I thought it was hilarious when Lindsay’s guy yelled at her (GASP!) and turned out to be disgusting.
Carl is an idiot, and Kyle was being a total idiot about Paige sleeping in Carl’s bed.
It wasn’t a message to you. Or maybe it was just a fuck you, which you deserved.
I don’t watch the other show, so I don’t know these people.
Paige’s prep for a date is ridiculous.
I feel like Danielle is incredibly desperate for love.
Does anyone wonder if the whole cheating thing with Kyle is all made up for the show?
I fully believe he did over a year ago, but if that wasn’t happening there would not be much going on.
Jordan is just other level. Ooooh interesting thought about Kyle! You could be right. Doubt we’ll ever find out sadly. But honestly, I do think it could be true that he made out with a girl. When he drinks he just goes to 1,000 real quick.
I think I’m the only one that’s kind of on Carl’s side/get where Kyle is coming from… I think Paige went on her date (and went alllll the way – no shame) for revenge since Carl was going to a wedding with someone else. When Kyle said she’s one of those girls – I agreed with him… Does that make me a horrible female???
No, that does not make you awful!
Haha no it definitely doesn’t! I do believe he hurt Paige by not pursuing her during the week. But revenge sex on a yacht? Respect! ??
Did anyone else notice the huge bruise on Carl’s inner arm. Looks like a sex bite bruise.
did Paige say she had sex? I thought she just spent the night on the yacht. Sleeping in Carl’s bed when he’s not there the entire weekend is practical and a bit teasing. I’d much prefer an available bed than a community couch. If she would have slept on the couch they would have asked her why she didn’t sleep in the empty bed. We all know that Carl lacks confidence and is not a good fit with Paige. It had its superficial romantic aspect and we were happy for Carl but that’s all it could ever be. He knows that and on a deeper level that’s why he didn’t contact her Sunday – Thursday
Hated seeing the Vander4 . They didn’t add anything positive to show. Amanda should watch their show to see how their relationships really work and ask her if the name calling and personal attacks are her goals in a relationship
Lindsay, you think Peyman was having a bad day and that justifies his yelling at you? Sad. Dysfunction happening here as well
Jordan’s strong religious beliefs won’t even allow himself to consider he might be gay. His date Erika was kind. Where were you conceived is such an odd question. He can’t really have meant to ask that.
Hoping for happiness for Danielle and Hannah with their mates
Amanda and Kyle. I think Kyle is genuinely sorry and genuinely in love with Amanda. Amanda loves Kyle but I wonder if she is just seduced by funny silly Kyle. Fun and laughter makes you feel good, it’s just not the basis for a marriage. (this I know) I hope she waits a couple years before getting married to see if Kyle can control his alcohol.
I suffered thru the first two seasons of this horror show. I love your recaps so much more than any episode I have ever seen. Kyle & Carl remind me on SNL characters on the prowl. Two wild & crazy guys specifically. Seriously, so gross.
How indoctrinated by religion to you have to be for saying you have erectile dysfunction is preferable to saying you are gay #SummerHouse
Now I have got to watch this episode ! The last gay male was wretched on this show now Jordan is too ? In the Hamptons they cannot find a homosexual willing to live with these people ? Just answered my own question. Never mind.