A Summer House Recap airing the day after Game of Thrones and right after the Vanderpump Rules reunion should lighten this heavy heart. Ugh, the opening is not that promising. We have Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula still crying at dinner over Kyle’s past cheating. Damn it, where is Hannah Berner and her goofiness when we need her? Kyle wants instant forgiveness. Let’s be real, that will not happen until he proposes. A ring fixes everything y’all! Amanda implores Kyle to be patient with her and her parents regarding his indiscretion. They hug and kiss it out. I am so whatever at this point with them.
The rest of the gang comes home from their night out. Carl Radke is noticeably absent. He went to a wedding with another girl, so Paige DeSorbo has him crossed off her list for good. Jordan Verroi goes to bed with the only participant who cannot say no. #justiceforWestleySnipes. Jordan is bringing Erika, the beautiful girl he met last week, over to the house. The girls fill Amanda in on Jordan’s big erectile dysfunction bomb, as Jordan tells Kyle.
Look, I’m not going to mock or try to deep dive into why Jordan’s ED screams false. He has been a douche canoe since day one, but my heart goes out to him. I pray one day he can live his life authentically and proudly. Side note: These Pepsi commercials with Stassi Schroeder, Beau Clark, Amanda and Kyle are awful. Really, really bad.
Justin Time For Dinner And A Yacht
Later in the evening, there is a big dinner happening with most everyone bringing dates. Danielle Olivera is not bringing her hot Brit Max. But, Hannah is excited to bring hot Brit Dave. Jordan’s date Erika is bringing her escape plan, err, roommate. Both Erika and her roommate are clearly uncomfortable but take refuge in conversing with Danielle.
Carl is missing out because Peyman arrives wearing a vest. Again. In the summer. Paige dons a face mask and teeth whitener in preparation for her date that is not happening on camera. She has been dating a man named Justin over the summer. Kyle takes that as she has been leading Carl on. Shut up Kyle. Hannah, Dave, Paige and Justin partied on Justin’s his yacht til dawn. Paige admits to having sex with him. This will not sit well with Carl.
The next morning, Lindsay comes back to the house after staying out with Peyman. Lindsay tells Danielle that Peyman yelled at her. She may be rethinking Peyman after that outburst. Kyle gives Paige a hard time about hanging out with Justin while talking to Carl. Ok Kyle. When you can not cheat in your own relationship, feel free to judge someone. Until then, take several freaking seats.
The Definitive Date From Hell
In the City, Carl tells us that he scored with his wedding date. It gave me Carl 1.0 flashbacks which were very unpleasant. Danielle has an axe throwing date with Max .How very RHONJ. It is actually a super cute date where they make it official that they are dating.
Elsewhere, the worst date is ever happen is happening. Jordan meets up with Erika for dinner. Poor Erika. I love you all too much to recap this horrific date. Bottom line? He asked her where she was conceived. And if he was her soul mate. PAINFULLY bad. She was very kind but firmly friendzoned him. Showing how in denial he is, he was actually flabbergasted by it. Erika, you are a saint for handling that date the way you did.
One Wedding and Carl’s Funeral
Lindsay, Carl and Hannah drive up to the Hamptons. Carl tells them how he got laid at the wedding. Because, classy. Oh, and he invited this woman to the house for the weekend. Hannah is not going to take this lying down. She tells Carl that Paige had a date on a yacht. Totally trump’s wedding sex, no? Carl is shook. Who takes a girl on a yacht on their first date? Lindsay corrects him that it most definitely was not their first date. You could actually see Carl’s ego deflate which was fantastic.
At the house Carl confronts Paige in the kitchen. They have a tense exchange that will probably boil over later. UGH the VanderPump Rules invasion is happening. I know that I am not the only one not looking forward to this. We do get a hilarious flashback of Stassi’s turtleneck bathing suit. On that visit Kyle called her Steve Jobs. That offended Stassi, but made us all laugh. As a joke, he went out and got four turtlenecks for Kyle, Amanda, Carl and Lindsay to greet the VPR gang with. Stassi’s sense of humor is different this season, so she can appreciate the gag.
Gorgeous Women Who Make Dumb Decisions
Amanda and Katie talk on the porch, as their guys trade cheating notes in the kitchen. Amanda is looking to Katie and Schwartz as the rainbow at the end of a cheat storm. If this does not sum up why she is still with Kyle, nothing will. If you are looking to Schwartz and Katie as couple goals, please aim higher.
Up in Lindsay’s room, she is facetiming with Peyman. He makes a lewd comment to Stassi. Both blondes are livid! How dare he be so gross? Beau walks into the room. After hearing about Peyman, Beau drops the truth bomb that he is a piece of shit. Stassi cannot believe Lindsay is settling for this crap. Lindsay states she has to figure this out on her own. It is mindblowing what these smart, gorgeous women will accept from douchebags.
Lobster Bake, Watch Carl Shake
Everyone sits down for a gorgeous lobster dinner. I am about to wake the Husby up to get me some lobster (or”lobstah” as we Massholes call it). It looks GOOD. Okay, okay, I am focusing on the Summer House Recap again.
Stassi asks what was going on between Paige and Carl. Paige says that she kept Carl at bay because they only hung out and spoke on weekends. Carl gets defensive and says that he needs more than first base to keep being interested. Paige was hurt that Carl blindsided her with bringing another woman as a date to the wedding. Carl is hurt that Paige found a man with money who texts her regularly and treats her to nice dates.
The table begins to take sides, no one louder that Kyle. He accuses Paige of leading Carl on the entire summer. Paige is pissed. Amanda leaps from her chair to scream at Kyle to shut the hell up. Somehow, paper towels catch fire so Beau runs them to the pool. An apt end to a shit show of an episode.
Next week on Summer House: More arguing. Carl tells the guys that Paige wanted to have sex with him. Paige erupts at Kyle, throwing his cheating back in his face. Kyle cries about dealing with the consequences of cheating to a very unsympathetic Stassi.
I do not know if I am emotionally drained from the ending of GOT and hating the VPR cast but I am spent. Not sure how I feel about this episode. I look forward to seeing what you all think about it. Let’s discuss in the comments! And come back next week for another Summer House Recap!