Oh Joy of all Joys! It’s a Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap! All the bickering is just too much to transcribe so hopefully there will be some dull moments for me to ignore. Like, whenever Lisa Vanderpump speaks. Kidding. Not kidding.
The first big bombshell is that Kristen is single again. Andy kind of muffed that whole reveal because it seems that even the cast didn’t know. But for now, we are moving on to other topics.
James and Jax Were Enemies Again This Season
Andy points out that Jax and James were in a good place this season right up until the rap he did about Jax and Faith. That was this season? That seems like decades ago. James tries to apologize again to Brittany and Jax but of course the Witches of Weho all pile on him right away. Why does everyone have to pounce on James? Why can’t they each just deal with their own issues with him rather than have this mob mentality?
James says he is only still on good terms with Sandoval, Ariana and Scheana. Also, he always has love for Schwartz. Katie makes a bitch face about that. Or maybe it’s just her face. Andy and LVP both try to make Jax see what a hypocrite he is for not forgiving James. In the past seven seasons, Jax has been forgiven way more times for much worse behavior. Finally, the voice of reason.
The Witches of Weho say that James has never been a part of the friend group. I already want to shut the TV off. Sandoval points out Lala hasn’t been in the group that long and suddenly she can do no wrong. Lala talks down to James like a dog. I want to punch her in the face. Everyone screams at James. Then LVP asks James why he is angry? They are one big angry mob coming for him!
Scheana Is Still Hanging And Banging With Adam
I’m fast forwarding through this crap. Oh wait, Andy supports Scheana’s slutty ways and LVP says to him, “Well of course you do!” I die. That was the best thing that has ever happened on a reunion. Also, LVP admits she watches Vanderpump Rules.
Randall Doesn’t Want To Film Vanderpump Rules
Everyone seems butt hurt that Randall doesn’t film. I don’t understand why production seems to think if people date someone from the show they have to be on camera. This is just a ludicrous way of thinking. Andy is butt hurt that Randall did Flipping Out and Keeping Up With The Kardashians but won’t do Vanderpump Rules. Lala thinks that Randall is above the show. Unlike the idiots Scheana brings on the show that are thirst traps.
The Tom Tom Con
LVP can’t even articulate what role she expected the Toms to play at Tom Tom. The Toms feel like Lisa Vanderpump didn’t let them participate in anything. Even she eventually agrees that she did exclude them. This entire venture is just a con. Ariana says that Lisa Vanderpump likes to make the Toms look foolish on camera. Yes, that is Lisa Vanderpump’s MO on both reality shows. Jax points out that the Toms have seen no return on their investment. Andy points out that he has invested in restaurants before and it takes a long time for them to become profitable.
I have a few issues with that. First of all, this restaurant has six or more full months of weekly advertising via the show. It’s a tourist trap. Everyone who visits LA emails me to say they are going to all of Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurants while they are there. So while it is early to see profits, it’s not that improbable.
The bit problem is that LVP treats the Toms like the help. They are not silent investors like Andy Cohen. LVP wants them there all the time drawing a crowd. So if they are expected to work there, they should receive payment. If they are investors then they can just sit on a beach somewhere and hope she actually shares her ROI with them. Lisa Vanderpump says she will give them 10% of the profits at the end of the year. Then she snidely offers to give them their investment money back. All Sandoval was asking for was to have his questions answered.
Raquel Leviss Arrives For Slaughter
For some reason I didn’t think we would get to Raquel on the first episode, so I had to go resize the dress photos. I need at least two photos of this number. They have Raquel walk out on camera. The good news is she has a job at SUR. The bad news is the Witches of Weho all have their stank faces on ten. Jax immediately calls James out for his relationship with Logan. Click that link to read about how James broke his nose when they broke up. But that happened over a year ago!
Andy goes in hard on Raquel as well. He says that Hope gave her specifics about sleeping with James. Raquel said that her “facts” were not true because she was never in the house where she and James stayed for Cochella. Again, everyone loves Brittany who stays with Jax despite cheating on her multiple times. She’s just the best thing every. But another dumb girl doing the exact same thing is a horrible person. Why? This relationship is literally Jax and Brittany 2.0. And Jax and Brittany are the ones coming for Raquel the hardest! She’s a younger version of you Brittany! Thank you Andy Cohen for pointing out the similarities! I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone over here.
Just Because You Have A Vagina Doesn’t Mean I’m Going To Support You!
Then Katie says it “ate at her inside” when she heard the stories of James cheating and she doesn’t know how Raquel deals with it. What’s it to you, bitch? You don’t like her. You don’t like James. You are not friends why on earth do you care? Furthermore Katie, you need to stop with the eating analogies for obvious reasons. Katie might be worse than Scheana. I’m not sure I’m going to survive this Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap.
Lala says that she doesn’t support Raquel because she never stood up for her when James was being mean to her. OMG this is giving me a headache. Lala asks if they would like for her to publicly humiliate Jame at times where she disagrees with his actions. The answer from all the witches was a resounding yes. Lala says that she finds it hard to issue a sincere apology to Raquel because she doesn’t care about her. Raquel suggests that Lala learning basic manners might be in order. I love how Sandoval is sticking up for Raquel a bit. Lala is just a terrible human. And she does use her father’s death to excuse her bad behavior.
Hillbillies And Shit People
We wrap this Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap with everyone’s emotional stories about the loss of family members. James sent a mean tweet saying that Jax and Lala need to make peace with their fathers passing away. This leads to James talking about how Jax tweeted under an account he made in Raquel’s name about how James sleeps with men and she is leaving him. Ariana backs James saying that the phone number for the account was attached to Jax’s phone.
Jax gets up to try to fight James and Andy has to intervene. Jax says nasty things about Raquel, who is no longer on stage. James comes for Brittany saying she looks like a disco ball. James says Jax is going to fit right in her family of hillbillies. Brittany calls James shit person. Krazy Kristen applauds.
Even Tom Sandoval is appalled at Jax and Brittany right now. Jax wants to start stuff up and then cries to Andy Cohen when James calls them hillbillies. This is insane. Everyone is mad at Tom Sandoval for daring to have an objective opinion. Brittany is losing her damn mind. Andy finally just screams for everyone to shut the fuck up.
Annnnnd SCENE! I think we have two more Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recaps to endure. I need to buy alcohol for that.