After what seemed to me like the most excruciatingly long season, it is finally time for the Vanderpump Rules Finale recap. Am so ready to be rid of this show for a bit. I cannot express how much I do not care about who Scheana Marie sleeps with. So let’s get on with it, shall we?
At least we get to start with Brittany’s exuberance about her enchanted forest fairy tale engagement party. I would not have expected anything less. Nor am I shocked she has her own personal array of “fairy tale themed items” to sprinkle around the location.
Are Penguins The Perfect Apology For… Everything?
But we quickly move on to Scheana whining about Adam being mad at her for sleeping around. I don’t think Adam really cares. And yet, Scheana has adopted a penguin for Adam. Because nothing says “I’m sorry I’m such a whore.” like a penguin.
James Kennedy talks to his TV therapist about blowing up on the Toms when he wasn’t invited to Mexico. Perhaps he should adopt a penguin for Schwartz. Or perhaps a swan says, “Sorry for trash talking your fat wife again!” better than a penguin? Is there a book somewhere on choosing the appropriate zoo animal for making up after a fight? Like those books that tell you all the meanings of flowers? James is full of lots of regrets, and the occasional beer. Sounds pretty normal to me.
Almost All of the Vanderpump Rules Cast Is On A Party Bus!
Jax. Brittany, Vanderpump and Ken all drove to the venue. I still think it is odd that Ken drives. He really doesn’t seem to be all there most of the time.
Speaking of not all there, Scheana is already wasted on the bus. Adam is trying to just ignore her and it’s killing her. Sadly, that is a figurative phrase and not a literal one. Scheana explains to Stassi that “the model” she slept with went down on her for thirty minutes. I can’t imagine this to be true.
Why is LVP wearing a red bra under a cream-colored dress that is deliberately showing? It’s not a cute look. Actually when pulling photos for this Vanderpump Rules recap, I found most of what the ladies were wearing to be pretty bad. Vanderpump tries to convince Brittany’s dad that Jax really has changed. All I can look at is the bobby pin in her hair holding half her hair to the other side. Why?
Another BJ, Another PJ
Brittany feels super guilty for not having Lala Kent as a bridesmaid. Especially after she sucked off Randall to get them a PJ and a house for a trip to Cabo.
It’s time for the talk between drunk Scheana and Adam. Adam may not have signed on for Vanderpump Rules next season. Perhaps we can stop pretending like these two are a thing. Adam tells Scheana he is not in love with her. Scheana tries to rationalize screwing the model as some plan to make him realize he has feelings for her. There is a loud argument that Scheana refuses to let Adam get away from. She demands a hug and will not let go. Why is this storyline getting so much airtime? We get it, the fake relationship has ended. Just please stop.
Aw, she didn’t even get to tell him about the penguin. Then she hunts down Mamaw and drunk cries all over her. God she is so annoying.
Meanwhile Back At SUR…
James and Raquel go to dinner at SUR. I’ll take this sad and pathetic relationship over the Scheana one any day. Raquel got a job at SUR so we should probably get used to her. The hostess is also the waitress. Apparently, we are to presume they don’t have enough staff there because everyone is getting drunk in the enchanted forest of Topanga.
These two need to strategize on how to get a wedding invitation. Also, they are living together, Raquel seems to think James will stop cheating on her. James talks about marrying Raquel.
Yet Another Person Tries To Explain To Lisa Vanderpump That Insults Are Not Jokes
Why is this concept so hard for Lisa Vanderpump to wrap her head around. If you say nasty things about people, they don’t like it. And saying “It was a joke, lighten up” when confronted about it is not acceptable. The correct response is “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me. It won’t happen again.” And then you stop doing it. It’s not friendly banter.
Ariana tries to explain that bad mouthing the Toms in the media is damaging their reputation. This causes LVP to go into one of her condescending rescue stories about how the Toms had no experience and yet she kindly took them in to show them the ropes. Actually Sandoval has years of experience in the industry. She points out that she put their names on the building. I can’t with her.
Lisa Vanderpump Gives Her Blessing To The Couples
Fresh off having her relationship with Beau formally endorsed by LVP, Stassi chats with Brittany’s dad. Poor guy, he keeps trying to get people to tell him this wedding is not going to be a disaster. Sorry, Pops. I give it a couple of years tops. However, we said similar things about Katie and Schwartz and they are still happily married. Okay, they are still married.
Jax and his sister have a sweet moment and share a hug. Then LVP gives her official endorsement to Brittany and Jax. And we have to endure more of the red bra. Am I the only one annoyed by this bra?
Then, Brittany thanks everyone for coming. Oddly, we saw less of the future bride than anyone on this episode. Except for Kristen. I don’t think she was in a single scene at the reception.
I’m going to need a gif of LVP funneling a beer. Or maybe I don’t need it. And that concludes this Vanderpump Rules season. The reunion starts next week, and it looks like a doozy.