By That Andy M. And Tamara Tattles
Previously on Vanderpump Rules… Stassi Schroeder and Lala Kent worked on their demons, James Kennedy freaked out on folks and Tom Schwartz taught us all how to make a large deposit of small bills…for maximize visual impact. Anyone else wonder what else he could maximize for visual impact….
This week’s Vanderpump Rules recap begins with Ariana Madix setting up for Brunch With Billie with Tom Sandoval, former SUR employee looking on. Ariana is unhappy with the way LVP treats the Toms. So, production shares a whole montage of that behavior. Tom asks Lisa to give James Kennedy a second, third, fourth, chance.
Breakfast At Brittany’s
Jenny, Jax’s sister and her husband Patrick arrive at Brittany and Jax’s apartment as their family members arrive for the $75.00 a plate engagement party. Brittany Cartwright, ever the southern hostess is unpackaging no less than twenty Burger King? breakfast platters for their family. I admire their lack of shame and replating of the food. Jax’s sister will be the only person from Jax’s family attending the wedding shower. Maybe Mamaw can whip Jax up some familial love with her famous beer cheese.
The Perfect Disney Princess Dress
Brittany goes wedding dress shopping with her family and Stassi, Katie and Kristen join in the festivities. Kristen thinks she should be maid of honor. Brittany shares a story of having a my-size-barbie that was a special wedding edition. When asked who was the groom, Brittany said she doesn’t think she was marrying anybody. She was just excited about the dresses.
Mamaw tells Stassi and the girls she was married for 54 years. Stassi is emotional. Katie says Stassi is the next to get married. Brittany’s mom is convinced that Jax is a changed man since his father died. Because no one wants Brittany to marry Jax more than her mom. Not even Brittany.
Brittany tries on a series of Disney Princess dresses but it wasn’t until Fun and Flirty Elsa that she cried and we knew that was the one. Or not. It seems like she likes Belle, AKA dress number one. I really liked them all but I would have gone with Ariel.
All of the LA girls presume they are in the bridal party. They are all quite sure they are the maid of honor. Cara is going to be the maid of honor. Brittany pulls Katie into the dressing room to ask her if she will be her matron of honor. Katie doesn’t know what a matron of honor is. Because Katie is dumber than a pickup truck full of bricks.
Tattoos and Trauma
Meanwhile, Jax, his sister and his father’s ashes head to a tattoo parlor to get matching tattoos in honor of their late Dad. It seems Jax and his sister hold resentment towards their mother for not telling them about their father’s illness. A part of Jax wonders if his dad told his mom not to tell the kids how sick he was. Jax’s family drama would make the perfect story line for a wedding spin off. Jax gets “Make good choices, love you, dad” tattooed on his arm. It needed a bit more punctuation. Maybe this will be more permanent than his other tattoos. Remember the Stassi tattoo? And the Carmen Tattoo?
See You Next Tuesday, Lisa
James has texted Lisa twenty-three times about getting his “See You Next Tuesday” gig back. He has new ideas, new lasers, and new party themes. LVP reminds him that he doesn’t work there anymore. James tries to press forward and Lisa smacks him back down. He is still drinking “a few beers.” Lisa lectures him on his drinking and reminds him that the only pat back to SUR is complete sobriety. James says this was his last time to ask Lisa for the gig back. He’s emotional because he realizes he’s never coming back to SUR. He leaves feeling dejected.
Ariana Is Over Lisa Vanderpump
It’s not just the RHOBH production team that is shedding new light on LVP this year. Ariana is leading the script to highlight Lisa’s treatment of the Toms. Shot in the obligatory Tom Tom bar, Ariana vents to Kristen and Stassi about the situation.
During an interview with a food blogger, Lisa Vanderpump interrupted the Toms to point out that they were just on a trip to Mexico. Ariana is furious because it was LVP’s (productions’s) idea for them to go to Mexico. Sandoval admits that the Toms are LVPs punching bag. Ariana is going to bring it up to Lisa at the engagement party. Stassi and Kristen have both confronted LVP in the past and suffered mightily. Perhaps this isn’t the best idea.
Cooking Up A Storyline
Ethan Scheana’s “friend” is cooking her dinner tonight and Adam is “jealous” Couldn’t Scheana create another song instead of these overly produced/scripted “date” scenes. Does anyone else wonder what Scheana does during the day? He is twenty-five and Scheana is thirty-three; he asks Scheana to “slap the meat.” Scheana is present enough on her “date” to text videos of her “date” to everyone at TomTom. Scheana makes small talk with Ethan by asking if he has had a threesome. In a moment of complete self awareness, Scheana tells Ethan she’s never been the kind girl who wants to get married and have kids” and follows this up by asking him if he wants a girlfriend. I won’t give the fake make-out scene anymore than this line.
The Whore At The Door
Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent are meeting at Tom Tom for no actual reason whatsoever. It’s like the storywriters don’t even bother to try to make some sort of reason for the scenes they shoot. In an earlier scene LVP claimed she was providing therapy and needed a couch for her patients to recline on. In this scene she suggests to Lala that her man would likely prefer her not to dress like a whore. That’s ridiculous. That is how she got him in the first place and it’s exactly her role in the relationship.
I am left wondering why Lala has a job at SUR where a whore at the door is not a cute look. LVP says they both went through something tragic at the same time so she is giving Lala a break. She says that her father’s death doesn’t give her permission to lash out. This is the most hypocritical comment of the season. LVP wants Lala to talk to James. This is a ridiculous idea.
Never A Bridesmaid…Or A Bride
Brittany is over the moon about getting married. She has gone all out on gifts for her bridal party. Well, she’s gone full blown Kentucky at least. And it’s cute.
When Brittany announces that Cara is the maid of honor and Katie is the matron of honor, Kristen begins morphing into Krazy Kristen. I can see it coming. Also, it appears that her brother is going to be a brides..um? Bridesman? They each get a rose under glass and the Beauty and The Beast wedding theme is officially complete. I’m already wondering how each of the girls is going to explain where the rose is when Brittany visits their apartments.
Scheana makes Brittany’s event all about her. She cries over Adam. Because, Scheana.
More James Bashing! This Time with Lala!
James seems to have lost a lot of weight. It starts are fairly civilized with Lala saying she just wants to check in with him. He doesn’t even sit down at the table. You can tell he doesn’t want to film this scene at all. He won’t even look at Lala.
Lala asks him to have a seat and to look at her. He’s not keen on either but he complies. For a bit. I swear the clip of saw of this scene was way more dramatic than this. James has absolutely no interest in being friends with Lala anymore. Honestly, he doesn’t need friends like her. She’s been screaming in his face and getting him in trouble with LVP. And then lying to LVP about it. He doesn’t trust her anymore.
It’s All About Jax
Jax and all the men go to Tom Tom for dinner. Brittany’s dad gives Jax a talking to. It’s not about the ring, it’s about the commitment. And the fidelity. That’s what is important. All of Brittany’s menfolk are straight out threatening Jax and I love it.
Jax of course says all the wrong things. Like he comes first. And what about Brittany taking care of him? And ends with, “I’m always going to be number one.” I saw Jax trying to spin this scene on his social media. He says he has never once complained about editing but this scene is not how things went down. Also he says his soon to be father-in-law who most likely had not even seen the show yet agrees with him. Jax lies. A lot.
Next week, the group heads to the engagement party, Ariana confronts Lisa, James and Raquel plot to get an invite to Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Is Beau Clark going to propose to Stassi?!
Bonus: My Boston Terrier in Boston Noah Bradley Morgan met Stassi Schroeder last Thursday. You can check out their photo here.
Sheana’s scenes were so cringe worthy. I had to fast forward through them.
Am I horribly cynical or does anyone else give this marriage six months? Poor Brittany, all the signs are in front of her but she refuses to look.
She’d rather be life sized Barbie.
I give it two seasons
Ha – good point, Life-sized Barbie!
She really isn’t marrying anyone. As she puts it she just wants the dress.
That is NOT what she said. Why are y’all such cunts. She was talking about her young girl wedding fantasies playing dolls.
It this marriage a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA? Yes! Of course. But putting such nefarious allegations on Brittany isn’t right. She young and dumb and it’s actually a great starter marriage for her, 🙂
LVP does belittle the Toms every chance she gets. It’s like she gets her shits & giggles from trying to make everyone appear beneath her. LVP has DJT (Donald J Trump) syndrome. She thinks her fans would support her regardless of her actions (as when he said he could shoot someone in a street and not lose voters).
I just can’t with Brittany’s wedding. Is she 8? It’s way too much of the princess theme. Also, doesn’t seem like she cares about marriage. She just wants the damn fairytale wedding – anyone could step in Jax’s place and I’m not sur edged even notice.
Last nights show was frustrating. Jax has become so unlikeable I’m just sorry this wedding is going to bleed into a lot of next season.
All of Jax’s proclaiming he got a bad edit is foolish. What he said about him being number one and he comes first is questionable about how that was mis-edited. BUT, he followed it with his interview bites about “What about Brittany taking care of him”. He also said this is the backward thinking of people from Kentucky. Her father’s expression said it all. As much as he wants to stop it, he knows he can’t.
I’m glad Jax and Brittany don’t have a prenup. Some day down the road, probably after one or two kids, Brittany will have her wake up day.
Should we start placing bets as to whether Brittany will be wearing glass slippers and stepping out of a horse-drawn carriage on her big day?
I’m going to say it’s a safe bet Brittany will have some sort of horse drawn carriage.
I’m going to way overshare now so no need to read any further folks if I sound too pro Brittany’s wedding (day)…I really want to believe in marriage, my parents are still happily married. I alas, have been both unsuccessful and or miserable in my unions.
I suspect some sort of clear glass like shoes as well. Pretty classic wedding shoes. My Mother married my Dad in ’57, her shoes (size 7) were clear heeled, clear on top with pearls and sparkly beads. They yellowed and became unwearable for me and my sister in the early 70s (along with her silk, sparkly tea length dress) when we started to become the Neanderthals (mind you, prepubescent) we grew up to be, thank you Daddy! She was a gorgeous bride, her whole wedding ensemble was perfection.
I do kinda understand wanting to be a princess for a day. I eloped the first time in a Gunne Sax dress bought in a warehouse in SF, altered it myself to fit. Second wedding I was old, so classic and sophisticated fit the bill. Both wedding dresses some 15 years apart, combined cost less than 300 bucks. Yes, I do understand a budget, but a wedding by Bravo in my youth? I might have gone a bit overboard. Especially when I consider I thought the sun rose and set on my first husband (gack! But I did) much like Brittany. I was all in and wanted everything to be perfect even though it really wasn’t.
I thought that bet was going somewhere else.
Jax is disrespectful to everyone. Especially Brittany. So what i don’t understand is why does Brittany’s mom and Memaw love Jax so much? What do they think Brittany is gaining by marrying him? Money, fame, extra tv time? It’s bizarre. Also, surely they are sick of hearing Jax bring up that he bought her brother a baby. I know I’m sick of hearing it. It’s very unattractive to toot your your horn.
Also, i didn’t realize Brittany and Katie were so close. I wonder if she chose her only because she’s the only one married and Brittany needed to fill that matron of honor spot with someone. If i were Kristin my feelings would also be hurt.
I’m partial to Krazy Kristin though. I think she’s funny and smart in a weird kind of way and she’s beautiful. I’m always rooting for her. I wish she would dump carter. I hope she does soon.
Should we start placing bets as to whether Brittany will be wearing glass slippers and stepping out of a horse-drawn carriage on her big day?
She could have asked Jax’ sister to be her matron of honor.She’s married.
I agree, Sunshine. I’m not one for a giant wedding party, nor do I see the need for a maid of honor and a matron of honor but Jax’s sister seemed like a better choice than Katie. Her marriage seems solid and choosing her would include her tie the families together nicely. Of course she may have not been interested in that role. Who knows.
You generally don’t have a MAID of honor and a MATRON of honor. It’s the same position in the wedding party the title is simply different according to marital status. Only one person hold the status over the others and that is because they have certain roles. They take the bride’s bouquet and return it to her during the ceremony. They are mindful of her train. etc because they stand closest to her.
I was a maid of honor in a wedding party where there was also a matron of honor. It was confusing and awkward to say the very least. It was my best friend and her childhood best friend who was married, I would have rather been “demoted” to bridesmaid then have her feel obligated to have both.
I BELIEVE I read here that Bravo is NOT paying for any of this ridiculous Brit and Jax wedding-o-rama crap. All these brunches and dinners and “magical” bridal favors* and Burger King replates add up (higher than either of them can count). Perhaps they are counting on a Bravo honeymoon show for income? I imagine Brit has the faith of a mustard seed that MeeMaw’s beer cheese will support them for life. (Le sigh.)
*My guess is that the roses will be hidden away with Katie’s tea towels.
AH! The tea towels. Yes. They will wrap the globe with the rose with the tea towel and put it in the back of the closet. Good call.
Y’all have me laughing! I do think the roses were much cuter and at least on theme. The tea towels, not so much. Those things were just ugly and strange.
The marriage is doomed — doesn’t Brittany know you have to pick the dress that makes you cry?
I kept thinking we’d come back from commerical break and Jax would say something like, I used to think, I’m number one. But nope!
So sad for James. I know he dug his own grave, but it’s sad watching him. He seems lonely. I don’t blame him for not wanting to connecting with Lala though. Where will his storyline go if he’s not connected with SUR? Is it going to be more seasons of the same where he tries to connect and gets rejected over and over? I didn’t used to like him and I’m not sure I do now, but I have to admit, he and Jax are a large part of what makes this show interesting.
Schaena has to go. The desperation is killing me! Ugh!! Down, girl!!!
doesn’t Brittany know you have to pick the dress that makes you cry? Thank you. I was shocked she didn’t pick the dress she cried in. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
I’ve never worn a wedding dress and I know this! Plus the dress that made her cry looked GORGEOUS. It complimented her figure and made her glow! Who was she listening to regarding the dress picking? I was folding laundry during the show.
But, most importantly…. where’s the beer cheese?!?! I thought Jax and Brittany were starting a beer cheese company? Is that not happening?!
Neither were aware that work would be involved. That realization threw a wrench in their business plan, as they became painfully aware of all the steps that exist in between concept and completion
Can someone please explain how James supposedly wronged Lala? I can’t remember his transgressions for the life of me and it’s driving me nuts.
Maybe it was when he encouraged her music career and had her in the studio with him and included her when he was starting out. Or when he supported her events when she chose not to include him. Or when… well..I got nothing.
I hope Lisa loosens up on James after she sees what a see you next TuesdayLaLa has been.
Somewhere around the PASTA that it’s not about, James called Randall a fat pig and Lala went off the deep end. They also had a huge fight at Rob, Rob, Rob’s cabin, but I think it was the fight over Randall that made her hate him so much. She wants him to respect her man. And then she got all upset in the alley because he says terrible things to women and she won’t stand for that. As far as I can recall, that’s all that went down. Lala can apparently call Raquel anything she wants, but no one can speak against her man.
Thanks to you both….just reaffirms that she’s a piece of shit.
Yes! I totally forgot about the fat pig comment. Also he said to Randal that they both know the ins n outs of Lala (or something like that)
Well, 50 Cent (not 50 Cynt) is on social media calling Lala a whore and Rand a sucker. So there is that.
That being said, I agree with TT, he has totally been there for her when other people haven’t. She doesn’t know what she wants.
Noah rocks TT!
So Jax is mad that his mother didn’t tell him his father was so ill–so now that he is down to one parent, he is icing that parent out of his life. Idiot! Don’t cheat yourself out of a relationship with your one surviving parent while you still have a chance! And Jax even wonders if it was his dad who didn’t want the kids to be told how ill he was. So the whole thing might not have been his mother’s fault at all. Because he is mad he didn’t get to say goodbye to his dad, he is ruining things with his mom–what if she is killed in a car wreck tomorrow? He wouldn’t have said goodbye to her either. But he is too dumb to figure that out.
I agree with others here: Brittany, choose the dress that makes you cry!
Scheana makes me cringe! Whether she is really that desperate or she is just following the production storyline, she is making herself look so bad. Her conversation on a “date” is so pathetic.
No matter how the scene with Brittany’s menfolk was edited, Jax obviously is incredibly selfish and not good husband material. He really does put himself first. He says he loves her more than anything, but he is still number one–so obviously he doesn’t love her more than anything. He loves himself more than anything.
I loved Jax’s brother-in-law’s face while Jax was talking and answering questions!
Me too, KD! That kind of reaction is priceless and cannot be forced. You know he wanted to punch Jax in his stupid face.
I, for one, do not think this wedding would even be happening if Jax asked for a prenup. Most people I know whose parents have been in numerous marriages are scared to get married whereas that’s been Brittany’s main goal with Jax. Like others have said, her mom is pushing it but I definitely think fame and fortune may be higher on her own priority list than love for Brittany as well. And what girl doesn’t want a fairy tale wedding. Not that I feel sorry for Jax— he will get what he deserves in the end.