By That Andy M. And Tamara Tattles
Previously on Vanderpump Rules… Stassi Schroeder and Lala Kent worked on their demons, James Kennedy freaked out on folks and Tom Schwartz taught us all how to make a large deposit of small bills…for maximize visual impact. Anyone else wonder what else he could maximize for visual impact….
This week’s Vanderpump Rules recap begins with Ariana Madix setting up for Brunch With Billie with Tom Sandoval, former SUR employee looking on. Ariana is unhappy with the way LVP treats the Toms. So, production shares a whole montage of that behavior. Tom asks Lisa to give James Kennedy a second, third, fourth, chance.
Breakfast At Brittany’s
Jenny, Jax’s sister and her husband Patrick arrive at Brittany and Jax’s apartment as their family members arrive for the $75.00 a plate engagement party. Brittany Cartwright, ever the southern hostess is unpackaging no less than twenty Burger King? breakfast platters for their family. I admire their lack of shame and replating of the food. Jax’s sister will be the only person from Jax’s family attending the wedding shower. Maybe Mamaw can whip Jax up some familial love with her famous beer cheese.
The Perfect Disney Princess Dress
Brittany goes wedding dress shopping with her family and Stassi, Katie and Kristen join in the festivities. Kristen thinks she should be maid of honor. Brittany shares a story of having a my-size-barbie that was a special wedding edition. When asked who was the groom, Brittany said she doesn’t think she was marrying anybody. She was just excited about the dresses.
Mamaw tells Stassi and the girls she was married for 54 years. Stassi is emotional. Katie says Stassi is the next to get married. Brittany’s mom is convinced that Jax is a changed man since his father died. Because no one wants Brittany to marry Jax more than her mom. Not even Brittany.
Brittany tries on a series of Disney Princess dresses but it wasn’t until Fun and Flirty Elsa that she cried and we knew that was the one. Or not. It seems like she likes Belle, AKA dress number one. I really liked them all but I would have gone with Ariel.
All of the LA girls presume they are in the bridal party. They are all quite sure they are the maid of honor. Cara is going to be the maid of honor. Brittany pulls Katie into the dressing room to ask her if she will be her matron of honor. Katie doesn’t know what a matron of honor is. Because Katie is dumber than a pickup truck full of bricks.
Tattoos and Trauma
Meanwhile, Jax, his sister and his father’s ashes head to a tattoo parlor to get matching tattoos in honor of their late Dad. It seems Jax and his sister hold resentment towards their mother for not telling them about their father’s illness. A part of Jax wonders if his dad told his mom not to tell the kids how sick he was. Jax’s family drama would make the perfect story line for a wedding spin off. Jax gets “Make good choices, love you, dad” tattooed on his arm. It needed a bit more punctuation. Maybe this will be more permanent than his other tattoos. Remember the Stassi tattoo? And the Carmen Tattoo?
See You Next Tuesday, Lisa
James has texted Lisa twenty-three times about getting his “See You Next Tuesday” gig back. He has new ideas, new lasers, and new party themes. LVP reminds him that he doesn’t work there anymore. James tries to press forward and Lisa smacks him back down. He is still drinking “a few beers.” Lisa lectures him on his drinking and reminds him that the only pat back to SUR is complete sobriety. James says this was his last time to ask Lisa for the gig back. He’s emotional because he realizes he’s never coming back to SUR. He leaves feeling dejected.
Ariana Is Over Lisa Vanderpump
It’s not just the RHOBH production team that is shedding new light on LVP this year. Ariana is leading the script to highlight Lisa’s treatment of the Toms. Shot in the obligatory Tom Tom bar, Ariana vents to Kristen and Stassi about the situation.
During an interview with a food blogger, Lisa Vanderpump interrupted the Toms to point out that they were just on a trip to Mexico. Ariana is furious because it was LVP’s (productions’s) idea for them to go to Mexico. Sandoval admits that the Toms are LVPs punching bag. Ariana is going to bring it up to Lisa at the engagement party. Stassi and Kristen have both confronted LVP in the past and suffered mightily. Perhaps this isn’t the best idea.
Cooking Up A Storyline
Ethan Scheana’s “friend” is cooking her dinner tonight and Adam is “jealous” Couldn’t Scheana create another song instead of these overly produced/scripted “date” scenes. Does anyone else wonder what Scheana does during the day? He is twenty-five and Scheana is thirty-three; he asks Scheana to “slap the meat.” Scheana is present enough on her “date” to text videos of her “date” to everyone at TomTom. Scheana makes small talk with Ethan by asking if he has had a threesome. In a moment of complete self awareness, Scheana tells Ethan she’s never been the kind girl who wants to get married and have kids” and follows this up by asking him if he wants a girlfriend. I won’t give the fake make-out scene anymore than this line.
The Whore At The Door
Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent are meeting at Tom Tom for no actual reason whatsoever. It’s like the storywriters don’t even bother to try to make some sort of reason for the scenes they shoot. In an earlier scene LVP claimed she was providing therapy and needed a couch for her patients to recline on. In this scene she suggests to Lala that her man would likely prefer her not to dress like a whore. That’s ridiculous. That is how she got him in the first place and it’s exactly her role in the relationship.
I am left wondering why Lala has a job at SUR where a whore at the door is not a cute look. LVP says they both went through something tragic at the same time so she is giving Lala a break. She says that her father’s death doesn’t give her permission to lash out. This is the most hypocritical comment of the season. LVP wants Lala to talk to James. This is a ridiculous idea.
Never A Bridesmaid…Or A Bride
Brittany is over the moon about getting married. She has gone all out on gifts for her bridal party. Well, she’s gone full blown Kentucky at least. And it’s cute.
When Brittany announces that Cara is the maid of honor and Katie is the matron of honor, Kristen begins morphing into Krazy Kristen. I can see it coming. Also, it appears that her brother is going to be a brides..um? Bridesman? They each get a rose under glass and the Beauty and The Beast wedding theme is officially complete. I’m already wondering how each of the girls is going to explain where the rose is when Brittany visits their apartments.
Scheana makes Brittany’s event all about her. She cries over Adam. Because, Scheana.
More James Bashing! This Time with Lala!
James seems to have lost a lot of weight. It starts are fairly civilized with Lala saying she just wants to check in with him. He doesn’t even sit down at the table. You can tell he doesn’t want to film this scene at all. He won’t even look at Lala.
Lala asks him to have a seat and to look at her. He’s not keen on either but he complies. For a bit. I swear the clip of saw of this scene was way more dramatic than this. James has absolutely no interest in being friends with Lala anymore. Honestly, he doesn’t need friends like her. She’s been screaming in his face and getting him in trouble with LVP. And then lying to LVP about it. He doesn’t trust her anymore.
It’s All About Jax
Jax and all the men go to Tom Tom for dinner. Brittany’s dad gives Jax a talking to. It’s not about the ring, it’s about the commitment. And the fidelity. That’s what is important. All of Brittany’s menfolk are straight out threatening Jax and I love it.
Jax of course says all the wrong things. Like he comes first. And what about Brittany taking care of him? And ends with, “I’m always going to be number one.” I saw Jax trying to spin this scene on his social media. He says he has never once complained about editing but this scene is not how things went down. Also he says his soon to be father-in-law who most likely had not even seen the show yet agrees with him. Jax lies. A lot.
Next week, the group heads to the engagement party, Ariana confronts Lisa, James and Raquel plot to get an invite to Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Is Beau Clark going to propose to Stassi?!
Bonus: My Boston Terrier in Boston Noah Bradley Morgan met Stassi Schroeder last Thursday. You can check out their photo here.