For the past few years here at Tamara Tattles, a group of us blasphemous ne’er-do-wells participate in The Lentil Season. Once upon a time, there was a particularly obtuse and annoying Catholic “real housewife” who referred to Lent at The Lentil Season. Since I sort of participate in Lent as a non-catholic (unless I’m in Europe), mostly agnostic, Southern Baptist by birth I adopted the name for the period of time from Ash Wednesday until the Saturday before Easter. This is a forty-six period every year. Yet every year I think the number of days changes. Because, brain damage.
Anyway, this forty-six day period is a good amount of time to, lose weight, regenerate one’s liver, or rid yourself of a bad habit, or begin practicing a new beneficial habit.
Also every year, a bunch of devout, know-it all Catholics descend from their high horses and explain Lent to me. Their rules make no sense. If you are sticking to the forty days of sacrifice to mimic the fasting of Christ before he was crucified thing, why do you get six Sundays off that require no sacrifice at all? Doesn’t cheating on Sundays of all the days seem sort of the opposite of fasting in solidarity with your Lord and Saviour? These are rhetorical questions. And yet, this paragraph right here will be a bat signal to all the judgey Catholic types to descend from their high horses to regale us with their biannual pontifications. Forgive them. They know not what they do.
The Tamara Tattles Lentil Season is very simple. One suffers without ceasing for forty-six days. There are no cheat day Sundays. The liturgical fasting on holy days here and there is optional, because quite frankly you are suffering enough. And I should point out again the whole extry six days in this heathen version.
On years I choose to participate in The Lentil Season. I give up either sugar, alcohol, or processed foods. This year, due to a drastic increase in the need to call people cunts, urge others to die in a fire, and my overwhelming urge to at least metaphorically punch some of you in the face, I decided it was necessary to deny myself all three of my vices. This of course has resulted in an even more disagreeable disposition.
But today, on this final day of suffering, I end the lentil season with a significant weight loss and increase in mental health. No really! I actually started The Lentil Season back in mid January. Because, my season, my rules. And after celebrating the resurrection of Christ tomorrow with a family feast, I shall return to the rules of this year’s Lentil season until at least the Sunday after the Summer Solstice. Because, let’s just say I haven’t quite managed to locate my summer body yet.
Meanwhile, a small group of supportive types and I have been whining and venting (me) and supporting each other (them) in a super duper secret comment section. So thanks to all who participated in The Lentil Season this year. And welcome to any others who would like to join us for The Lentil Season Sequel: Secular Summer Bodies. Part Deux of The Lentil Season lasts for 65 days (Including Easter Sunday, your one and only cheat day). If you give up alcohol and sugar and processed foods and walk at LEAST 120 minutes a week for sedentary folks like me. You should be down twenty pounds by the end of it. That is my plan I am speaking to the universe.
Also, I still don’t think I’ve eaten lentils yet. I keep meaning to!
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