It’s time for another RHONY Recap. As we begin, Sonja Morgan is in a drunken spiral at Dorinda’s beautiful dinner table. Art Smith and the Bear Naked Chef have high-tailed it out of there. It’s all over but the crying. And of course someone will soon be sleeping with the fishes. I hope it is Sonja. She’s so drunk she has no idea where she is.
Barbara Kavovit tries to point out that being out in the middle of nowhere, with no cell service and these drunk obnoxious women is kind of scary. Ramona Singer, the official welcome wagon for new RHONY tells her it’s not scary and to just sit there and shut up. I hope that Barbara just beats the holy crap out of Ramona at some point. It would really be beneficial to all involved. As we say in the south, “That one there needs a good old-fashioned ass-whooping.
Ramona Slips Into Something More Comfortable
Oh God. I was hoping that Art Smith and the Bear Naked Chef had escaped with their lives. But bless his heart, the is nekkid Adrian serving another course to women who don’t eat. Ramona is furious that all the attention is on drunk Sonja. So she snuck away to slip into something more comfortable. A tiny black negligée and a thong. What is the proper attire to wear when glancing at handmade pasta made by a James Beard award winning chef?
After dinner, everyone got blackout drunk. As one does in a multimillion dollar summer home. Sonja eventually passed out after her usual sexually predatory behavior. The next day, Sonja doesn’t remember much. The only thing that sticks out to her is that Barbara was trying to flirt with Bethenny. That is Sonja’s private domain. Barbara never even unpacked. She just tried to survive until dawn when she could get the hell back to normal society.
Break On Through To The Other Side?
As the other girls start tricking back to the city, Dorinda and Bethenny take advantage of the gorgeous countryside and go for a nice brisk walk. Bethenny tells Dorinda she found a note on a public notepad at the hotel in Boston. “You look spectacular. You’re amazing as always. ~D” Bethenny says that is what Dennis always used to say to her. Now this is how you introduce the paranormal on a reality TV show. I like how Bethenny says, “And I looked good yesterday!” Bethenny has never believed in this sort of thing until after Dennis died. I sort of get that. When someone close to you dies, weird stuff does happen.
A Different Kind of Blow Out
Luann, Sonja and Ramona all go to get a blowout. Certainly these three have enough hot air of their own without having to purchase more. But apparently, not. Sonja tells Luann that Bethenny is hurt that she was bad mouthing her to Dorinda with jockeying for the best room in Blue Stone Manor. I do not like this Luann. She doesn’t get it. Even when Sonja explains that Bethenny got her Tiger Woods lawyer, and had an intervention for her that kept her job on RHONY and sent her to a fancy rehab, Luann doesn’t seem she owes her common courtesy.
I am tired of all the paid promotions. And so it the poor lady with the fancy flower shop. She couldn’t even keep a straight face until Ramona and Sonja got out the door.
Old Dogs, Dead Daddies And Drunks
Luann and Tinsley meet for lunch. Or more accurately water and coffee at an outdoor cafe. Luann announces that she wants someone to hurry up and invent hover cars so she can get across town in a reasonable amount of time. Every little thing Luann says annoys me this season. Last season I hated Dorinda. This season, it’s Luann. How does this happen?
I really don’t need all the details of how Tinsley’s dad died. I don’t need this conversation at all. This should be Tinsley and a counselor off camera. This is not something that needs to be on TV. I’m fast forwarding. These people need to be fabulous or go away. Is this me just being cranky during Lent?
IV’s, Eyelashes and Ex-Boyfriends
I do not understand this episode. Why is Bethenny getting an IV while being worked on by a glam squad in a salon where her ex-boyfriend is just standing around a bar? What is this place? Russ is apparently someone with a staffing service. Bethenny says they were so in love last summer. Then Dennis came in hot saying he wanted to marry her. I’m sorry. Have you seen this Russ guy? It doesn’t get better than this Russ guy. I am not buying this story AT ALL. Sorry. Nothing against Dennis. But Bethenny was never that into Dennis in that way. Dennis was her person. Her best friend with benefits. Russ is a hot guy in an outdoor shower in Tahiti. PUHLEASE. I love you Bethenny, but girl this is one tall tale.
I guess all of that happened at Bethenny’s new apartment. We haven’t seen much of that. Now all the weird groups of people and her dog makes sense. Not dropping her panties the moment she saw Russ does not. Bethenny looks drop dead gorgeous in her sparkly silver pants and floor length black top with her flat abs completely exposed. She looks thinner than she did at the Hamptons. The suggested attire is sparkles. So pretty much ninety percent of their reunion dress rejects are in play.
Dinner At Bethenny’s
Why are these bitches, other than Bethenny, SOFA KING rude to Barbara? And how to they have time to be when they are slurping down all of the expensive food at Bethenny’s house. Can they not afford to feed themselves? They are acting like me at 18 at prime rib night at that fancy club for old men in Atlanta.
Luann arrives an hour and fifteen minutes late just like the production schedule was written. With everyone there, dinner is served. Dorinda is drunk. So of course she starts swinging at Barbara. She gives a backhanded toast to Barbara for surviving the shark room. Barbara complimented the linens and comforter. That should have ended things. But Dorinda just keeps going. She says that the shark is probably not the scariest thing she has ever woken up to. Really Dorinda? You wake up next to John. Shut your mouth.
Truth Or Dare
/Heavy sigh. Look. I hate when people say someone is too old to wear something. Or too old to do something. That is not what I am about to say. What I am saying is that when the average age of your friend group at the dinner table is 55 years old, that sane people do not want to play truth or dare. What’s next? Spin the bottle? Seven minutes in heaven? Are they going to giggle over the latest episode of Tiger Beat magazine? Go outside and ride their big wheels up and down the sidewalk? What is with this ridiculous method of production to bring up topics to upset someone’s apple cart? Tonight that apple cart belongs to Tinsley.
I can’t. Let’s just get to the part where the eviscerate Tinsley and then pretend like that was not the script the entire time. Ramona has to go on a date. So she leaves. Where does she really go when she dips out early? What better things does she have to do? I suppose anything is better than this.
Tinsley is drunk. She doesn’t want to play. They dare her to call Scott and have phone sex. She needs a break. I thinks she and Lu went for a cigarette off camera but still wired for sound. Tinsley tells Luann that Scott would kill her if she called him with some sort of nonsense like that. I don’t blame him.
The Beatdown Of Tinsley
Bethenny is in the other room saying she’s never kissed a woman in her life until she just kissed Barbara on a dare. Tinsley can’t call her boyfriend? Bethenny, I feel like we have seen you making out with all of these women before. I think you made out with some of the on the Instagram videos from the drunken free-for-all in the Berkshires. Do you not remember any of this? Because I do and I can’t remember shit?
Drunk Dorinda tells Barbara to stay out of the conversation and stop being an interloper. What is wrong with these drunk ass old bitches?
Finally, Bethenny and the girls all get Tinsley to break. Are y’all happy now?
This was the worst episode of RHONY ever. Thus the worst RHONY Recap ever.
Next week, Mario films at a bar with some of the ladies. Including Mario. I remember writing about that but I can’t find the post. Tinsley joins the circus. Scott breaks up with Tinsley. I can hardly wait. /sigh