The seeds have been planted for an explosive episode Vanderpump Rules this week. So, let’s hope it lives up to the hype! But first they need to stop the fake work scenes that occupy Billie Lee’s screen time. The cast is open about the fact they no longer work at SUR in the traditional sense anymore. Essentially, the point of these scenes is to set us up for the glorious return of DJ James Kennedy. This means that Katie has to claim she doesn’t want to promote the Girl’s Night Out idea anymore. Now that that is settled, we can get started with this week’s Vanderpump Rules Recap.
The Dick Flute
Let’s start with Tom Sandoval playing with his wooden dick flute. Ariana Madix and Tom invite James Kennedy over a set up scene. It’s kind of sweet Tom and Ariana are giving James this pity scene. But, in under three minutes, James is swearing at Ariana and Tom while they try to kindly explain to him why he is being excluded from the group. James Kennedy’s continual lack of situational awareness as to why he is persona-non-grata among the group is almost sad. This is also one of the rare times that James didn’t do anything wrong. Lala Kent’s lying to Lisa Vanderpump is the reason that the is not allowed to DJ Billie’s brunch events anymore. That said, he doesn’t that because he is usually in the wrong, he just has to roll with this situation and not make it worse. James goes from anger to tears.
The Dark Passenger
Meanwhile, Stassi Schroeder is shooting the cover of her recently published book: “Next Level Basic” As a side, I have tickets to Stassi’s signing event here in Boston and will happily report back Thursday. I have mediocre expectations for this book but we shall see. Stassi shouldn’t have to try this hard to look like a basic bitch. Especially when she is drawing her inspiration from Scheana. Yet, they only get the shot when she is talking to Kaite about the stupid puppy shower. Following the shoot,
Beau Clark meets up with Katie Schwartz Maloney for relationship advice. Beau thinks that “the dark passenger” is coming out in Stassi due to pressure from the book. It really is easier to give advice than take it. Am I right Katie?
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
Jax Taylor & Brittany Cartwright meet with their relationship therapist. Jax speaking on behalf of Brittany speaks volumes. He has no problem taking his daily frustrations out on Brittany, “because she is there.” When the therapist asks him to consider how Brattany feels in those moments, he is unable or unwilling to do so. Brittany lets us know she is excited for Jax to meet up with Papa Don and kiss the ring. What could go wrong? Brittany also lets on that she still has trust issues with Jax. Jax wants to gloss over all of these issues. He seems more interested in presenting himself in a good light. Jax says that his cheating just made Brittany a stronger person. Shouldn’t trust be worked out in a relationship before an over the top engagement party? #Justsaying #NoPrenup
We all know the relationship between Kristen Doute and Ariana Madix will implode eventually, but their relationship is a delight when they are together. When the two get together for a girls date, Ariana lets Kristen know that it’s the fifth anniversary of the night her father passed away. That night, Kristen flipped out because Tom Sandoval went to be with Ariana to comfort her instead of being with her. So Kristen told everyone that Tom and Ariana were sleeping together. Ariana still says they were not hooking up at that time. That would explain Ariana’s hatred and vitriol toward Kristen around that time. It can’t be easy associating your father’s death with a person who made that deeply personal event about themselves.
Across town, the daddy issues theme continues. Lala Kent is having a mini concert. She is nervous because camera will be recording her song for record labels to review. She’s hoping to find a label to release the single for her. She says she is releasing a song she wrote for her dad. But is she though? I suppose she means online. Otherwise, why would “record labels have cameras there?”
Lala starts off with a breathy song in tribute to her dad where she strips off her blazer. Has anyone else picked up on the large amount of daddy issues this group has? Lala kindly shouts out Jax and Ariana who also lost their dads. Lala cries in a talking head because her dad never got to see her perform. She would never be “this person” without him. Um, thoughts?
Stassi and Lala talk about how alcohol brings out the worst in them. Ariana and Tom have a sweet heart to heart about the night her father died. Our collective faith in their relationship is restored.
Pitiful Puppy Shower
It’s finally time for the puppy shower! Tom Sandavol, Arianna Maddox and Scheana Shay show up to represent main cast. Peter, Billie and Ariana’s brother help to fill the room. Raquel’s mother is cast as the hostess of the shower. Raquel’s mom refers to herself a “the naughty mom” after she comments on how hot Peter is. Because, obviously.
Drinking Issues Part II
At Sur, Lala and Scheana have a talk about Lala’s drinking. Lala says that her anxiety attacks in Mexico were entirely caused by drinking. She has decided to stop drinking entirely. We will see how long that lasts.The crux of difference between Lala Kent and James Kennedy is that one has self-awareness and the other lacks the most basic level of awareness.
The Much Anticipated James Bond Moment
Throughout this episode, Schwartz has been building up to this moment. He’s called the bank. He’s asked for extra crispy bills. Katie has taken him to make the pickup. He acquired a little suitcase. He’s reminisced about every spy movie he has ever seen. His suit has been chosen. He was made for this role. The suitcase is dramatically handcuffed to his wrist as he strolls up to the table. His entire life has led him to this moment.
“I want to prove to you that I’m serious,” he says with a straight face as he fumbles with the release button on the handcuffs. Ken and Lisa are thrilled to get the cash in small unmarked bills. No need to mention this to the IRS. The deal is sealed with a handshake. Lisa keeps the handcuffs. Ken isn’t going to stay chained in the basement all by himself.
The Exorcism of Stassi Schroeder
Well, this is a promising segment. Katie is taking Stassi to see “The Oracle of Los Angeles.” Clearly, these people don’t know what an oracle is. Perhaps she is not an oracle, perhaps she is a witch. No wait. She a shaman. Or an Alchemist. Or… well Katie just thinks she can exorcise Stassi. Some that would make her none of those things. Priests do exorcisms.
Already this scene is equally as horrible as the reading by the yoga instructor on Married to Medicine LA. Due to an apparent sage shortage in Los Angeles “the oracle” instead simply whispers into her hands “I am sage” and “cleanses” the ladies before allowing them to enter her house.
The Winged Penis
Stassi says she has anger issues. The “oracle” needs to exorcise her demons. The camera flashes to her table of helpful oddities and focuses in an a short fat penis with wings. Will this make her man’s penis fly away? After some random chanting and bell shaking, Stassi feel like she is on the “best Mario Brothers cloud ever.” So, um, success?
Next week on Vanderpump Rules, Kentucky comes to town. All of Kentucky, including Stassi’s daddy and the baby Jax bought Brittany’s brother. Jax tells the Kentucky men he has to come before Brittany. Scheana finds a new slab of meat to film with. LVP makes James Kennedy squirm for her again.
ADMIN NOTE: Andy M had surgery recently and is still recovering and is taking medication. So I had a very heavy edit on this post. In his short version of the recap he felt that nothing happened this week and had little to say. I thought a TON happened and had a lot to say. So if the recap seems at odds with itself at times that is why. Meanwhile, I’m wishing him a speedy recovery.No I have to get out of the house and away from the news for a bit.
What did y’all think about this episode?