That Andy M.The seeds have been planted for an explosive episode Vanderpump Rules this week. So, let’s hope it lives up to the hype! But first they need to stop the fake work scenes that occupy Billie Lee’s screen time. The cast is open about the fact they no longer work at SUR in the traditional sense anymore. Essentially, the point of these scenes is to set us up for the glorious return of DJ James Kennedy. This means that Katie has to claim she doesn’t want to promote the Girl’s Night Out idea anymore. Now that that is settled, we can get started with this week’s Vanderpump Rules Recap.
The Dick Flute
Let’s start with Tom Sandoval playing with his wooden dick flute. Ariana Madix and Tom invite James Kennedy over a set up scene. It’s kind of sweet Tom and Ariana are giving James this pity scene. But, in under three minutes, James is swearing at Ariana and Tom while they try to kindly explain to him why he is being excluded from the group. James Kennedy’s continual lack of situational awareness as to why he is persona-non-grata among the group is almost sad. This is also one of the rare times that James didn’t do anything wrong. Lala Kent’s lying to Lisa Vanderpump is the reason that the is not allowed to DJ Billie’s brunch events anymore. That said, he doesn’t that because he is usually in the wrong, he just has to roll with this situation and not make it worse. James goes from anger to tears.
The Dark Passenger
Meanwhile, Stassi Schroeder is shooting the cover of her recently published book: “Next Level Basic” As a side, I have tickets to Stassi’s signing event here in Boston and will happily report back Thursday. I have mediocre expectations for this book but we shall see. Stassi shouldn’t have to try this hard to look like a basic bitch. Especially when she is drawing her inspiration from Scheana. Yet, they only get the shot when she is talking to Kaite about the stupid puppy shower. Following the shoot,
Beau Clark meets up with Katie Schwartz Maloney for relationship advice. Beau thinks that “the dark passenger” is coming out in Stassi due to pressure from the book. It really is easier to give advice than take it. Am I right Katie?
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
Jax Taylor & Brittany Cartwright meet with their relationship therapist. Jax speaking on behalf of Brittany speaks volumes. He has no problem taking his daily frustrations out on Brittany, “because she is there.” When the therapist asks him to consider how Brattany feels in those moments, he is unable or unwilling to do so. Brittany lets us know she is excited for Jax to meet up with Papa Don and kiss the ring. What could go wrong? Brittany also lets on that she still has trust issues with Jax. Jax wants to gloss over all of these issues. He seems more interested in presenting himself in a good light. Jax says that his cheating just made Brittany a stronger person. Shouldn’t trust be worked out in a relationship before an over the top engagement party? #Justsaying #NoPrenup
Daddy Issues
We all know the relationship between Kristen Doute and Ariana Madix will implode eventually, but their relationship is a delight when they are together. When the two get together for a girls date, Ariana lets Kristen know that it’s the fifth anniversary of the night her father passed away. That night, Kristen flipped out because Tom Sandoval went to be with Ariana to comfort her instead of being with her. So Kristen told everyone that Tom and Ariana were sleeping together. Ariana still says they were not hooking up at that time. That would explain Ariana’s hatred and vitriol toward Kristen around that time. It can’t be easy associating your father’s death with a person who made that deeply personal event about themselves.
Across town, the daddy issues theme continues. Lala Kent is having a mini concert. She is nervous because camera will be recording her song for record labels to review. She’s hoping to find a label to release the single for her. She says she is releasing a song she wrote for her dad. But is she though? I suppose she means online. Otherwise, why would “record labels have cameras there?”
Drinking Issues
Lala starts off with a breathy song in tribute to her dad where she strips off her blazer. Has anyone else picked up on the large amount of daddy issues this group has? Lala kindly shouts out Jax and Ariana who also lost their dads. Lala cries in a talking head because her dad never got to see her perform. She would never be “this person” without him. Um, thoughts?
Stassi and Lala talk about how alcohol brings out the worst in them. Ariana and Tom have a sweet heart to heart about the night her father died. Our collective faith in their relationship is restored.
Pitiful Puppy Shower
It’s finally time for the puppy shower! Tom Sandavol, Arianna Maddox and Scheana Shay show up to represent main cast. Peter, Billie and Ariana’s brother help to fill the room. Raquel’s mother is cast as the hostess of the shower. Raquel’s mom refers to herself a “the naughty mom” after she comments on how hot Peter is. Because, obviously.
Drinking Issues Part II
At Sur, Lala and Scheana have a talk about Lala’s drinking. Lala says that her anxiety attacks in Mexico were entirely caused by drinking. She has decided to stop drinking entirely. We will see how long that lasts.The crux of difference between Lala Kent and James Kennedy is that one has self-awareness and the other lacks the most basic level of awareness.
The Much Anticipated James Bond Moment
Throughout this episode, Schwartz has been building up to this moment. He’s called the bank. He’s asked for extra crispy bills. Katie has taken him to make the pickup. He acquired a little suitcase. He’s reminisced about every spy movie he has ever seen. His suit has been chosen. He was made for this role. The suitcase is dramatically handcuffed to his wrist as he strolls up to the table. His entire life has led him to this moment.
“I want to prove to you that I’m serious,” he says with a straight face as he fumbles with the release button on the handcuffs. Ken and Lisa are thrilled to get the cash in small unmarked bills. No need to mention this to the IRS. The deal is sealed with a handshake. Lisa keeps the handcuffs. Ken isn’t going to stay chained in the basement all by himself.
The Exorcism of Stassi Schroeder
Well, this is a promising segment. Katie is taking Stassi to see “The Oracle of Los Angeles.” Clearly, these people don’t know what an oracle is. Perhaps she is not an oracle, perhaps she is a witch. No wait. She a shaman. Or an Alchemist. Or… well Katie just thinks she can exorcise Stassi. Some that would make her none of those things. Priests do exorcisms.
Already this scene is equally as horrible as the reading by the yoga instructor on Married to Medicine LA. Due to an apparent sage shortage in Los Angeles “the oracle” instead simply whispers into her hands “I am sage” and “cleanses” the ladies before allowing them to enter her house.
The Winged Penis
Stassi says she has anger issues. The “oracle” needs to exorcise her demons. The camera flashes to her table of helpful oddities and focuses in an a short fat penis with wings. Will this make her man’s penis fly away? After some random chanting and bell shaking, Stassi feel like she is on the “best Mario Brothers cloud ever.” So, um, success?
Next week on Vanderpump Rules, Kentucky comes to town. All of Kentucky, including Stassi’s daddy and the baby Jax bought Brittany’s brother. Jax tells the Kentucky men he has to come before Brittany. Scheana finds a new slab of meat to film with. LVP makes James Kennedy squirm for her again.
ADMIN NOTE: Andy M had surgery recently and is still recovering and is taking medication. So I had a very heavy edit on this post. In his short version of the recap he felt that nothing happened this week and had little to say. I thought a TON happened and had a lot to say. So if the recap seems at odds with itself at times that is why. Meanwhile, I’m wishing him a speedy recovery.No I have to get out of the house and away from the news for a bit.
What did y’all think about this episode?
I know we’re not supposed to talk about looks but I can’t help pointing out that something is “off” with Lala’s face. She used to be a natural pretty but it seems she’s lost that. Not sure if it’s too much Botox, lip fillers or if her brows are just too heavy for her petite face. Or it could simply boil down to the fact that she’s not genuinely happy. She does seem to be in a dark place these days.
A short fat penis with wings? That’s a damn good reason to buy a fly swatter.
TeeHeeHee! Good one. Thanks for the morning laugh. ?
Not sure why The Fiancée is spending THOUSANDS of dollars on an engagement party. Surely, everyone in Kentucky heard (literally) that she is “engyyyged!”
I honestly liked the puppy shower. It was cute and unique. I personally wouldn’t throw one but i wouldn’t call it stupid. I mean stassi has a OOTD holiday and tries to get an exorcism. I’ll pick the puppy shower any day over that crap. I thought it was strange lala dedicated a song to her dad almost half naked and she said he raised a good woman? Hmmm. I think brittany is in love with fame and would never leave Jax if he cheated on her again. James needs to smoke weed and chill Haha but he’s still awesome.
It would be really fun if it were done with close friends, drinking, having a laugh, a bit of tongue-in-cheek irony.
What I think made it sad was inviting a bunch of people that don’t like you. Came off as sad and desperate. Add in Raquel’s earnest intention but less than stellar intellect and whiny Valley Girl vocal fry and you’re just asking for these women to eat you alive.
I cringed hard for her. I was shouting at the TV. “Don’t do it Raquel! Turn around! Leave with your dignity!”
That’s very true. She shouldn’t had ask people who don’t like her boyfriend to join. She looked desperate doing all that.
I actually had my eyes closed during the time she asked stassi but I dislike stassi compared James to Charles Manson. That was uncalled for. She doesn’t need to like Raquel but why insult her boyfriend when she’s being nice?
Lala is full of crap. She did a video last year we dear old Dad was still alive. I wish I was a better perso who allowed people to treat others like crap because a loved one passed away. Lala wold be far more if her private aircraft source dried up. Lala is a twat.
TT what did you mean that in the next episode Brittany’s brother is there with the baby Jax bought him. I’m so confused.
When Brittany and Jax were in Kentucky filming there little spin off show Jax donated $10,000 (IIRC) to Brittany’s brother and SIL for IVF.
Yes and they bring the child to the engagement party, his face showed that he’s not a fan of babies lol
I literally laughed out loud when Lala said that she’d never be this person without her dad. Really? Did he know what she did to ride on a pj, and what she says she would still do? okay. I just barely watched the rest of the show. They all annoy me for some reason
Maybe it’s just me, but the Tom Schwartz act is wearing very thin. He isn’t that cute or that sweet or that funny anymore. He seems to be trying very hard to be alla that, but he misses the mark. I’m over him, Am I alone?
I mean he is kind of cute…. And he is playing it up for camera time. And I’d rather watch him that most of the witches of WeHo.
But, yeah. I get it. They are all Try Hards at this point though.
It’s a good point. They’re all try-hards, and I get the feeling that Schwartz is a double try-hard, attempting to make everyone love him, especially Lisa, who loves a sycophant.
I have to admit that I was kind of proud of him in Mexico when he finally snapped back at Katie with a little of the venom she spews at him all the time. But yeah, overall the try-hard is wearing very thin. It’s sad — he used to be my favorite person on the show, just because he always seemed to come from a place of kindness and a sense of fairness.
I would love to know what Schwartz’s life would have been like if he had never been cast on Vanderpump Rules and never been given the marriage ultimatum by Katie.
I thought it was funny how Schwartz was trying to use the restroom with the suitcase handcuffed to his wrist. Pretty much the opposite of smooth James Bond. And then I was so grossed out that he put that suitcase that he had put on the bathroom floor on Lisa and Ken’s table. So gross!
I’m over Lala.
Once again, Scheana looks so desperate for a man. It is clear she is way more into Adam than he is to her.
I just watched an old rerun of VPR, Sheana’s wedding. OMG! She was just unbearable, complaining so much about the walk-in music, bragging about having a husband, and now of course we know how well that marriage went. Highly recommend it.
Scheana being confusing this season, almost as if she’s taken a vow of contrariness, is currently the most interesting thing happening on this show. Moving to the beach, coyness about her relationship status. ..It’s intriguing to me. Especially when we see her filming with Lala about Lala and there is nothing behind Scheana’s eyes. She’s like a snapchat filter come to life. There’s not even a dark passenger in Scheana’s brain.
Lala is insatiably full of herself. I fail to see the correlation either between being a strong woman and sucking d**k for pjs. Is she still with Her Man?
I can’t stop laughing at the “apparent sage shortage in Los Angeles”. That was great. She really whispered “I am Sage” into her hands.
I was like WTF was that?? Hahahaha!
“From the mountains” no less! Wow, that Oracle has business was something! There’s a sucker born every minute! That said, lol, hope it worked, I’m rooting for Stassi and Beau.
Tamara and Andy M, thank you so much for the joint recap! Andy, I hope you feel better soon.
For what it’s worth, I rarely watch the show anymore because I love the recaps better than the real deal. Plus, the recaps allow me to completely ignore the cringe-worthy scenes with Lala and/or Scheana. Win/win!
Tom plays that penis flute (can’t believe I just typed that lol) better that he plays the trumpet!