Before That Andy M. agreed to recap Vanderpump Rules on Tamara Tattles he explained he had a prior obligation for this episode. So I agree to be his substitute for the evening. I shall do my best to make him proud, even though I haven’t slept in the past 36 hours or so. TRIGGER WARNING: Expect more TT brainfarts than usual. Apologies in advance.
On Last Week’s Vanderpump Rules, it appears that everyone had a bit of FOMO. Because, the FOMO in Mexico episode was the highest rated of season seven. If you watcher or at least saw all the photos in the recap, it makes sense. There was a lot going on. That said overall the ratings for Vanderpump Rules have been way down this season. Are we finally burning out? Are you guys still watching or just reading the recaps?
Who Doesn’t Like A Few Breakfast Mimosas?
Tonight we are back in Puerto Vallarta where the overgrown Vanderpumpkids are drinking like prohibition is coming back tomorrow. The hotel has given them the entire rooftop to themselves in exchange for all the promotional TV time. Scheana Marie and Lala Kent are the first to pool and the first to begin chugging mimosas. I can’t say as I blame them. Although, they should all be a bit green around the gills from their massive binge drinking the night before. This scene makes me miss banana daiquiris for breakfast every morning in St. Lucia.
What I don’t miss is waking up with a boyfriend hungover after a big drunken fight the night before. Beau Clark went to bed bawling his eyes out. Stassi Schroeder woke up mired in regret and anxiety about the relationship. Side note: Stassi is really pretty with no makeup the morning after a big fight. Beau on the other hand has stress-related eczema all over his body. Or so he says. Is that really a thing? I thought eczema was caused by allergies. Beau promises they will work through it. They love each other. This is as close to happy as we have seen Stassi in six years.
So Many Women Needy For Attention. It’s Exhausting!
Tom Schwartz chats with Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix about his lackluster sex life with Katie Maloney. They only have sex when she initiates it. Unlike when he is with Sandoval. He seems to be the initiator in that relationship. And when he is in bars drunk hitting on other women. Every storyline on this show seems so fake. Schwartz makes a pinky promise with Ariana to put the moves on Katie for their last night in Mexico.
Adam Spott is such a regular appearance this season that he gets one on one scenes with Lisa Vanderpump and they don’t even bother with a chyron to explain who the heck he is. He’s getting exactly what he wants with this fake relationship with Scheana. Adam asks LVP pleas not refer to him and Scheana as an item. Poor Adam seems to be getting dozens of selfies from Scheana a day. Like the rest of us, he is not impressed. Did Lisa Vanderpump get a new boob job? She seems really fascinated and please by her nearly sixty year old tits lately. I’m just saying.
Lala Kent Takes To Her Room, With A Camera Crew
At dinner, Lala demands a middle seat with the best view of the ocean. Because, Entitlement Syndrome. She’s also having a panic attack. Because, attention seeking. I suffer from panic attacks. Especially on days after a binge drinking bender. The last thing I want is someone to notice, or look at me, or be around a lot of people. This is when she actually needs shot or three for medicinal purposes. It will post pone the anxiety until she is alone in her room later. Instead, she is gathering people around her to squeeze and touch her. Even Jax Taylor finds it weird. She finally heads off to bed. Hopefully we don’t see or hear from her again until we get back to WeHo.
Kristen and Ariana have a newly formed girlmance. Is that thing? What is the female version of a bromance called?
It’s Romance Tom Schwartz Style
In an attempt to woo his grumpy wife whose voice he cannot abide, Schwartz sets a romantic scene. The rose petals and violinist are sort of normal. Will she be there during the actual hookup though? A few hundred bags of junk food? Suffice it to say it is an odd choice. However, it might just be the bait Schwartz uses when fishing for a good time with Katie. They could sell this to a food porn site. Swartz whispers that romantic line that every girl longs for during foreplay, “Wanna make a baby?” God. I hope at least one of these two has been sterilized.
Is Ariana Planting Seeds In Kristen’s Lady Garden? Because this makeout sesh has had a full 24 hours of afterglow. It’s just weird. What is next? A threesome with Sandoval? Krazy Kristen is under the delusion that Krazy Kristen is gone. Nope. Now she thinks she has warped into a mariposa like this one guy I used to know who was a beagle for years before announcing he was a butterfly. I’m not making that up. The butterfly thing is very common with the crazies.
Throw Mama From The Train
A few doors down from that crazy, Brittany is planning her wedding shower with Jason. I mean Jax. Jax is not speaking to his mother. If I recall correctly, it is because she didn’t tell him how critically ill his father was. Britanny goes through the list of all of her friends and Jax doesn’t have any additions. Especially his mother who he may not even invite to the wedding. Instead he just wants to be sure James and Billie are excluded. It seems this is another everyone hates Billie episode. He’s just such a douchebag. Question for Killing Eve fans: Do y’all think Jax has a sense of smell?
WTF Is A Puppy Shower?
James and his airhead girlfriend, Raquel are planning a puppy shower. It seems to be some sort of page out of LVP’s playbook. If they have puppies around maybe people will think they are likeable. Hey, it works for LVP! James even has the British accent. It could work.
Billie is there for the planning stages and the conversation turns to Lala. She’s a bully. Yes. Yes she is. She is a bully and an entitled little twat this season. Still, it pains me to agree with James and Raquel. I’m also disappointed in Billie. Why is she trying so hard to ingratiate herself with the VanderpumpKids? They are dreadful people and she is better than that.
Back To The Bars Of Weho
Back in Weho, the cast gets in the way of the real employees trying to do their jobs. Suddenly, everyone is working the same shift like it is season one and they all genuinely work there. Everyone is talking about having the Mexican trots. That makes for some fine dining. Lala is working the front desk in black yoga pants and a black sports bra. It’s like they don’t even pretend anyone really comes her for the goat cheese balls and $15 watered down drinks anymore. They probably charged at the door for the extras.
Schwartz gets to be the face of the filming at Tom Tom. I suppose this is because Schwartz quit his only job at Pump on the first day. So this is his next attempt at a real job since that whole “representing LVP’s line of sangria.” storyline.” Tom Tom is quite lovely.
Can A Shower Be Rained Out?
Raquel is sent alone to try to get people to film with her and James. She starts with Jax and Brittany. Let me just say when Jax thinks you are stupid, you may just want to go ahead and get on the short bus. Both Britanny and Jax decline.
I can’t with the puppy shower. No one is going along with this stupidity. It’s not going to happen.
Lisa Vanderpump strolls in looking like an elderly Mary Poppins and tells Lala she is required to wear clothes at work. That like, really bums Lala out.
Billie Plans A White Brunch
Billie tells Lisa Vanderpump that her next brunch is a white party and she’d like James to DJ. I thought James already had the greenlight for Billie’s brunches. LVP says no. James is not sober, so he’s not working. Billie says that’s ridiculous. LVP says she really doesn’t care about what she thinks.
Then Lala Kent comes in for her call time on the scene. She had covered her bra in a tiny black SUR t-shirt that is tied up in just the same place as the end of her bra. She’s still in yoga pants with her entire midriff exposed. Billie is furious. Why exactly is it that Lala is allowed to come to work half-naked? And…Billie has a meltdown and storms off.
LVP tracks her down and reminds her who the boss is. Billie says that she ignores Lala’s bad behavior but not James’ bad behavior or hers for that matter. Now LVP is pissed off. I believe this is going to be an episode where Billie gets fired. Her attitude really sucks at the moment. However, she does the best job at work and is the most dedicated. Even more importantly, she actually works at SUR.
Scheana Causes More Drama For Billie
This entire episode is so ridiculous. Brittany told Scheana that Jax didn’t want Billie at their wedding shower. So immediately, Scheana goes running to Billie to tell her she’s not invited. And she says it is because she is friends with James. That wasn’t really the reason Jax gave Brittany. He seemed to blame Billie for Lala’s horrible behavior at Billie’s last brunch. Because now that Lala has married money, Jax and Brittany are hanging out on yachts and flying private on exotic double dates with Lala and Whatshisname. Britanny told Billie that Jax was the reason she was not invited. Brittany says that some of the people who Billie is fighting with are her bridesmaids so it is really not appropriate.
I’ve got to wrap this up. LVP fires Sandoval from SUR and takes him down to Tom Tom. Then LVP says that Schwartz’s check bounced. He says that is an old account. It’s been a year. He will take care of it.
James and Raquel are heartbroken that no one is coming to the puppy party. I am going to bed. I apologize or the long boring recap. At least you will be extra happy when Matt gets back next week.
On the next episode of Vanderpump Rules, Jax and Britanny have premarital counseling. James is angry no one will film with him anymore, and Stassi tires not to crack up during a fake seance scene, and Schwartz pays LVP his $5K in cash.
You did a great recap TT! Take heart for tomorrow is a new day.
I tend to agree with Stassi re: Lala’s “panic attack”. Over the top and dramatic. I suffer from anxiety but when I am in the midst of an attack the last thing I want is people touching me. It just ups the level of panic & anxiety. I have to get away from people bc being around anyone makes me claustrophobic and I feel like I can’t breathe. And I don’t want anyone to know bc that puts the focus on me which also increases the anxiety. But I guess everyone suffers in different ways? I am so over Lala!
Totally agree with you & Tamara about anxiety attacks. Myself & certain family members who get them want to be as far away from crowds as possible! I also can’t think of ANYONE who’d want to be filmed while it was happening! Think this is just another of LaLa’s ploys for more camera time, just like her ridiculous outbursts are supposedly caused by her grief – GTFOH!
Regarding Schwartz’s check bouncing – I thought each Tom invested $50k for a 5% stake in the bar, bringing their combined ownership to 10%?
I also suffer from anxiety attacks. I have never had them in public only alone. So I don’t know whether or not I wound want someone to touch me. They’re not fun and I wouldn’t wish them on my worse enemy.
They are The Worst. I have thought that I was dying and have gone to the ER. Husband, too.
As for Beau and the stress eczema…yes, that’s a thing. I had it bad as a kid and as I started to grow out of it…stress could definitely give me a flair. Once you scratch those welts it’s game on and it gets worse.
And Racquel really doesn’t know who Charles Manson is?
Ms**
I thought your recap was awesome. I laughed a TON reading it. I agree about Lala and the anxiety, I don’t want to be touched, or around people, I don’t want to be looked at. I agree about the entitlement.
Lala is a little crazy, could be all the drugs, allegedly. I really hope Stassi chills the fuck out on Beau, he is a great guy. He loves her, like really loves her and she is falling into old patterns and trying to push him away. She may not totally realize she is making herself unlovable at times. I do like how she has matured in certain areas though, she is much more likable. I just can’t stand Katie, she is a cunt. Sheanna is delusional, I liked her her first season, before “fame” went to her head. Why does Brittany always sound like her nose is plugged and all nasal now? She hasn’t always sounded that way. I cracked up when LVP “fired” Sandoval, Jax looked like he was screwed. He might have to actually make drinks when he pretends to work. And in the promo for next week when Schwartz comes with his $5000 in a briefcase…. really? I have paid to have my roof done and my kitchen remodeled in cash, I had $12,000 in a regular envelope in $100.00 bills. That scene was bullshit unless it was all in $1’s.
I thought the Toms invested $50,000.00. I could be wrong….
It was supposed to be $50,000 not $5,000.
I’ve seen hundreds of Gs in cash – it is way smaller than you’d think.
this show is so fucking stupid. Thanks for the great recaps, cuz I’d never actually watch the show.
It’s 50,000 in cash.
$50K still makes for a surprisingly small package. Like maybe a brick of cash, not a briefcase.
I think Stassi has Lala’s number. In other words, it takes one to know one’s over the top dramatics. I can’t believe I’m going to say this but i agree with Jax, Lala is used to having My Man Rand spoil her with attention.
Having said that i love it! I love all the VanderCrazies.
And TT you are fooling no one, you can recap these shows in your sleep and still kill it.
The view from the infinity pool was equally dizzying and gorgeous.
Not feeling Billie at all. Another person with a STANK attitude.
I was astounded by, “ You just want me to smile and agree with you?” Yes, that’s called being at work and having a boss. Billie bet on the wrong horse and she does not get how to work a situation like the one she’s in. I have never seen anyone-that I remember- argue so hard with people to give her sufficient reasons to justify not liking her, as if they’ll have to like her if they can’t give her a good enough reason why they don’t. She is way out of her depth and should quit the show immediately, it’s the worst possible thing for her.
In Billie’s defense, and this may not even apply to her. It is possible that Billie is on hormones that need readjusting from time to time. That in itself can cause extreme mood swings. Then add the stress of being the new kid on the block/show. I feel as if she had expectations of being fully accepted without the problems/drama any other new cast member experiences.
And of course, non of us really know what happens between folks on these shows. Just like the mainstream American media/news, reality is edited to created the impressions in the viewers minds desired by the directors of the show. Facts and /or reality have little to do with it.
The housewife shows are perfect examples. Every one of the shows claim to be supporters of LGBT rights, yet at least one of the shows have filmed in Saudi, giving millions of dollars worth of free publicity to the country that publicly beheads anyone suspected of being gay as well as women every week. So much for #metoo and #LGBTrights.
Personally, I would love to see Billie be allowed more time on the show with a story line other then being walk on “token” representative of the LGBT movement. I may begin watching the show again instead of viewing clips and turning to TT for recaps.
I’m pretty sure you are confused about filming in Saudi. That would never happen for a housewives show they would all be beheaded because they can’t act right.
The arabic country where all the shows file is United Arab Emirates in the city of Dubai which has all but eliminate Sharia law. Though homosexuality is still illegal. Most Arab countries including the UAE base their law on the Koran. You don’t have to like it. Different countries have different cultural beliefs and the laws of the US are not some standard that other countries should be expected to aspire to. And that’s good because they have no desire to.
Am I watching the episodes or just reading the recaps, hmmm. Well i had it playing on my phone on low as i caught up on the show Good Girls. I can’t say that many moment captivated me to see what happened, so reading it is! What i did pick up on was the Lala hand thing, i dunno did my man Rand’s money make her so needy and annoying? Then the puppy shower. I cannot understand how Raquel could think they want to be her friend. I would love more Stassi belittling time with those two. So i think I’ll stick to your recaps and Andy M. to give life into this show for me.
I think the bounced cheque scenario was definitely production driven.
So do I. And I think Tom getting fired from Sur was production driven.
I watch and read, keep the recaps!
How friggin’ annoying is Lala this year? I would like to invite her to come to certain parts of Philly with her bad ass attitude and put one of those nails in some other girls face. LMAO! I can’t stomach Raquel. Is she that stupid or is it an act? I think everyone turning her invitation down to the puppy shower is a lead into her breaking up with James. It sounds like she wants to choose friends over him. IMHO of course!
Lala reminds me of a song, ” Money Can’t Buy You Class” , I believe is the correct title of it.
The look on Sandoval’s face when Kristen and Ariana were kissing…priceless!
It truly was priceless! I wish last night’s episode was entirely the composed of the glimpses we saw of their blackout donkey riding make out orgy party. I’m still watching but I’m not as into it with no James. He’s so real and funny in all of the wrong ways which makes him perfect for the show. Raquel is just a knot on a log.
“Oh, are we praying?” – Jax. That was the highlight of the episode. Yet another episode where nothing really happens. James would have made it a million times more watchable if he went to Mexico.
I don’t know why viewers are dropping off — but I do know I find the show less enjoyable than seasons past. I blame social media. We already know everything about the Vanderkids because they all post everything they do on social media. There are no surprises. Like Tom getting fired from SUR. He was doing Tequila Tuesday for the last couple of weeks at SUR. He is clearly not fired. James is killing it as a DJ all over the country, and I think he should have his own show. He does not need SUR anymore, so that storyline is fake. Ariana and Kristen making out might be the last straw for me. I don’t understand why men find it okay for their girlfriends to kiss or tongue up other women. That’s cheating, and then to cheat with a woman who wished you dead, who used to live and sleep with your man. . . it’s just so fake. Maybe they are all on ecstasy or molly. Drugs are the only thing keeping LaLa alive, that and spite. Tom and Katie are a horrible couple and Beau and Stassi are not much better. Yeah, not my favorite show anymore…
I agree with you about James. My only fear is that his own show would end up being his death. He is not mature or clean enough to handle the fame of his own show . At first I did not care for him, but I have grown to like James the person vs the character he tried to be in the beginning.
If your wife has been dealing with self esteem issues regarding her weight, maybe don’t seduce her by throwing her love of junk food in her face.
Kristen, aka mariposa, totally gave me Tom Green with the cereal boxes vibes-ha!
Stassi and Beau feel like the only genuine storyline on the show…Stassi needs some serious therapy to get over how her crappy parents have screwed up her ability to have and recognize a healthy relationship. Luckily, she seems to be with a down to earth guy this time that can keep his dick in his pants, which will give her space to work on herself.
I don’t think Katie has any self esteem issues – she just doesn’t like people calling her fat.
I still kind of love Kristen most of the time, but please, I beseech you please do not besmirch the name of Tom Green. Tom Green is perfection.
“Mariposa” needs a unicorn. I love Krazy Kristen.
TT the comparison stops at the dramatic arm flapping, so his name is safe!!
You have that right ! Tom Green is perfection !
Watching Beau and Stassi, I suddenly realized the pattern in her relationships, and Beau does not break it.
TT, I wonder if Jax has a sense of smell? He would blame it on the nose jobs, but that is just his excuse. Is Villanelle his long lost sister? I see similarities between the way Jax treats Brittany and Villanelle treated Konstantin’s daughter. They both mind fuck people, she just takes it a step further and kills them. I can see Jax intentionally hitting ice cream into a child. They both lack empathy and emotions.
I am one of those who only turned in for the vacation. I love the vacation episodes. Seeing Jax ride a donkey took the saying “ride the donkey” to an all new level for me. I liked last weeks episode, but had no intention of watching last night. I only read your re-caps. The cast drives me nuts. Every one of them is immature. The episodes are script driven. I do find Sandoval’s facial expression in the photo of Kristen and Arianna kissing hilarious. He is disgusted by the kiss.
Also, Lisa V annoys me with how she treats the dogs in her shelter. She has exploited the Lucy, Lucy Apple Juicy story through the press. Now she is making us suffer through a Puppy Shower. Enough exploitation of animals. Lisa V needs to go away.
TT your recap was AWESOME!! In other news, this show so scripted its not even funny. But it is entertaining.
Billie’s role is so forced.
It’s like they advertised to a transgender to be in a reality show. Now crank up the attitude.
Billie just isn’t a nice person.
This episode was so boring and offered up more evidence that Lala and Billie are not good for the show. Lala is awful to watch. Attention seeking, entitled behavior that is fully rewarded. Its just gross. Billie on the other hand should not be on the show but for totally different reasons. She seems to let it all effect her too much. She seems unhappy, angry and petulant. She should leave to keep her sanity. This mean girl stuff is getting to her imo.
I have no words for the puppy shower. Why wouldn’t everyone just come together to celebrate Graham?!!? Ooof. So stupid and desperate it was sad.
I would like VPR so much better if we didn’t have to endure the scenes with Queen Pinky ruling. I know, the show is called Vanderpump Rules, but damn I’m over LVP.
I’m also over Billie, and it’s not because she’s trans or any other reason she wants to whine about and use to justify no one liking her. She’s just annoying AF!
Kristen being “Mariposa” complete with her mile long arms flapping away is life. TT, you’re right with the butterflies and crazies. Mermaids and butterflies are the two I’ve noticed most around here. Now a beagle?? That’s interesting.
The show is losing viewers because the cast members are horrible people (narcissistic substance abusers), the show is scripted, and LVP sucks. This is basically an infomercial for her bars.
I occasionally read the recaps here because they are funny as hell, but I won’t watch the shows.
I watch and I read the recaps, sometimes before I’ve seen the show. But last night’s show was incredibly BORING. I thought it must be close to over, and looked at the clock and it was only 9:15! Sigh.
Watching Schwartz pretend to be in love with Katie is so cringe. He has the mentality of a 12 year old. I’m sure he cares for Katie but his true love will always be Tom. Katie knows this which is why she’s a miserable cunt all the time. But hey, anything for the friend group!
Lala is the worst! She is so needy and desperate for attention. It’s obvious none of these people are truly her friend. They just enjoy the occasional trip in the PJ. If her and “my man Rand” ever break up I guarantee her ass will be sitting alone on the curb with the rest of the trash.
Kristen made this episode for me. There is no doubt in my mind that what we see on TV with her is exactly how she is in real life. She’s as crazy as she is clumsy but at least she’s being herself.
Stassi needs to chill. Beau has done nothing wrong. If she continues to sabotage this relationship he will leave— oh who am I kidding, he loves being on TV and going on free trips. She’s good.
Also, I loved the little moment between Stassi and Jax when he “pretended” to still have feelings for her. They still have the most chemistry between anyone on this show, no matter how fucked up it is.
$50,000 represents Ton Schwartz’ 5% stake in the bar. If he’s bringing her his share in cash, then that suitcase contains $50,000. This is why he was super paranoid about walking around with it!!! I agree that he would be a prime target for robbery with that amount. That’s why Tom Sandavol was hushing him, and why Lisa looked so shocked. If it had been merely $5000, it would not have been such a scary and remarkable act.
And he’s a dumbfuck for bringing cash, btw. Normal people do cashier’s checks, wire transfer, etc. This is why this fake as fuck show is so tedious and stupid.
Not to mention the issues he is causing Vanderpump with all that cash. When they deposit that cash, the bank will have to complete a SAR (suspicious activity report). Restaurants in general are favorites of money launderers due to the amount of cash brought in so this transaction could definitely bring unwanted attention to Lisa and Ken. Normal business would have been done by wire transfer or maybe a cashier check. Schwartz is an idiot. The other Tom is too, but at least he knows how to make a cocktail.
Lala has lost her banging body. The drugs and drinking are showing.
Is no one going to mention Sandoval’s polka dot blouse he was wearing at the outside bar when he and Ariana were encouraging Schwartz to get on the bang bus with Katie?? Do you think he borrowed it from Ariana?
I loved that! I loved it almost as much as “celebrate Graham”.
I loved it, perfect Mexico attire! I’d wear it…lol…oh Tommy!
No one mentioned my favorite part of the entire episode. When Stassi tells Raquel she is like one of those girls who wants to marry Charles Manson. And Raquel says “Who?” She grew up in CALIFORNIA. She GRADUATED from college in California. She LIVES in SOUTHERN California. HOW can she never have heard of Charles Manson? Not just pop culture but debates on the death penalty IN CALIFORNIA, etc. As they drive off, she asks James “Who is Charles Manson?” And he doesn’t know either! So dumb she can’t just look it up on her cell phone? Is she STUPID or SCRIPTED? Both?
OGG! Thank goodness I’ll be dead by the time these knuckle heads are “seniors”. I going to ask my 17 y/o in the morning if she knows who Charles Manson was. I suspect she doesn’t but I never know with this one, she suprises me a lot!
Haven’t watched yet, probably tomorrow but your site TT gets me through my dry spells away from my DVR (best invention ever.?) I love your recaps, you can do this with your eyes closed and make me laugh
She didn’t know although she did say his name sounded familiar. Sorry! Erggh!
I asked her to Google and talk with her Dad who grew up in Southern California 60’s, 70’s. Yes, I know we’re old parents, it seemed like a good idea at the time, giggle and now we are fricking OLD and what? 4 generations removed? She’s basically raised us! She’s a fun, thoughtful kid and needs to be on this earth. You’re welcome!
She asked me about “The Great Gatsby” today, her latest reading assignment. I wonder if these VP”kids” should read or reread (I know I had to read in HS a long time ago, then reread as an adult so assume that’s it’s still a standard reading assignment). A multidimensional novel about human nature, the wrongs we do to ourselves, the denial, the things we do for love, the fight to be “on top” financially, acceptance when we forget who we are (we can sometimes see sparkly things and get distracted) and the acknowledgment that we’re all human.
F.S.F.’s novel setting in an era none of us were literally active participants in but the theme is still relevant to VPR and a number of HW franchises. It’s actually very relevant to a lot of active participants in our world at large. Maybe we all need to take a HS English refresher course!
Lisa is acting how I would expect a man to act if he suddenly had breasts; she keeps grabbing them, poking them and just generally fascinated.
Scheana has got to STOP picking up and serving people their drinks by the rim of the glass.
So disgusting!
In particular with the champagne, you are only ever supposed to hold it by the stem, you don’t want to warm the drink with your hands.
I like LVP on VR.
Poor Raquel. Is anyone that clueless?
James needs to be gone and fix his life. He is headed down and nasty little path.
I read your synopsis first, and then watch the episode, it gives me a heads up on what specifically to watch for, or skip through entirely.