Before That Andy M. agreed to recap Vanderpump Rules on Tamara Tattles he explained he had a prior obligation for this episode. So I agree to be his substitute for the evening. I shall do my best to make him proud, even though I haven’t slept in the past 36 hours or so. TRIGGER WARNING: Expect more TT brainfarts than usual. Apologies in advance.
On Last Week’s Vanderpump Rules, it appears that everyone had a bit of FOMO. Because, the FOMO in Mexico episode was the highest rated of season seven. If you watcher or at least saw all the photos in the recap, it makes sense. There was a lot going on. That said overall the ratings for Vanderpump Rules have been way down this season. Are we finally burning out? Are you guys still watching or just reading the recaps?
Who Doesn’t Like A Few Breakfast Mimosas?
Tonight we are back in Puerto Vallarta where the overgrown Vanderpumpkids are drinking like prohibition is coming back tomorrow. The hotel has given them the entire rooftop to themselves in exchange for all the promotional TV time. Scheana Marie and Lala Kent are the first to pool and the first to begin chugging mimosas. I can’t say as I blame them. Although, they should all be a bit green around the gills from their massive binge drinking the night before. This scene makes me miss banana daiquiris for breakfast every morning in St. Lucia.
What I don’t miss is waking up with a boyfriend hungover after a big drunken fight the night before. Beau Clark went to bed bawling his eyes out. Stassi Schroeder woke up mired in regret and anxiety about the relationship. Side note: Stassi is really pretty with no makeup the morning after a big fight. Beau on the other hand has stress-related eczema all over his body. Or so he says. Is that really a thing? I thought eczema was caused by allergies. Beau promises they will work through it. They love each other. This is as close to happy as we have seen Stassi in six years.
So Many Women Needy For Attention. It’s Exhausting!
Tom Schwartz chats with Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix about his lackluster sex life with Katie Maloney. They only have sex when she initiates it. Unlike when he is with Sandoval. He seems to be the initiator in that relationship. And when he is in bars drunk hitting on other women. Every storyline on this show seems so fake. Schwartz makes a pinky promise with Ariana to put the moves on Katie for their last night in Mexico.
Adam Spott is such a regular appearance this season that he gets one on one scenes with Lisa Vanderpump and they don’t even bother with a chyron to explain who the heck he is. He’s getting exactly what he wants with this fake relationship with Scheana. Adam asks LVP pleas not refer to him and Scheana as an item. Poor Adam seems to be getting dozens of selfies from Scheana a day. Like the rest of us, he is not impressed. Did Lisa Vanderpump get a new boob job? She seems really fascinated and please by her nearly sixty year old tits lately. I’m just saying.
Lala Kent Takes To Her Room, With A Camera Crew
At dinner, Lala demands a middle seat with the best view of the ocean. Because, Entitlement Syndrome. She’s also having a panic attack. Because, attention seeking. I suffer from panic attacks. Especially on days after a binge drinking bender. The last thing I want is someone to notice, or look at me, or be around a lot of people. This is when she actually needs shot or three for medicinal purposes. It will post pone the anxiety until she is alone in her room later. Instead, she is gathering people around her to squeeze and touch her. Even Jax Taylor finds it weird. She finally heads off to bed. Hopefully we don’t see or hear from her again until we get back to WeHo.
Kristen and Ariana have a newly formed girlmance. Is that thing? What is the female version of a bromance called?
It’s Romance Tom Schwartz Style
In an attempt to woo his grumpy wife whose voice he cannot abide, Schwartz sets a romantic scene. The rose petals and violinist are sort of normal. Will she be there during the actual hookup though? A few hundred bags of junk food? Suffice it to say it is an odd choice. However, it might just be the bait Schwartz uses when fishing for a good time with Katie. They could sell this to a food porn site. Swartz whispers that romantic line that every girl longs for during foreplay, “Wanna make a baby?” God. I hope at least one of these two has been sterilized.
Is Ariana Planting Seeds In Kristen’s Lady Garden? Because this makeout sesh has had a full 24 hours of afterglow. It’s just weird. What is next? A threesome with Sandoval? Krazy Kristen is under the delusion that Krazy Kristen is gone. Nope. Now she thinks she has warped into a mariposa like this one guy I used to know who was a beagle for years before announcing he was a butterfly. I’m not making that up. The butterfly thing is very common with the crazies.
Throw Mama From The Train
A few doors down from that crazy, Brittany is planning her wedding shower with Jason. I mean Jax. Jax is not speaking to his mother. If I recall correctly, it is because she didn’t tell him how critically ill his father was. Britanny goes through the list of all of her friends and Jax doesn’t have any additions. Especially his mother who he may not even invite to the wedding. Instead he just wants to be sure James and Billie are excluded. It seems this is another everyone hates Billie episode. He’s just such a douchebag. Question for Killing Eve fans: Do y’all think Jax has a sense of smell?
WTF Is A Puppy Shower?
James and his airhead girlfriend, Raquel are planning a puppy shower. It seems to be some sort of page out of LVP’s playbook. If they have puppies around maybe people will think they are likeable. Hey, it works for LVP! James even has the British accent. It could work.
Billie is there for the planning stages and the conversation turns to Lala. She’s a bully. Yes. Yes she is. She is a bully and an entitled little twat this season. Still, it pains me to agree with James and Raquel. I’m also disappointed in Billie. Why is she trying so hard to ingratiate herself with the VanderpumpKids? They are dreadful people and she is better than that.
Back To The Bars Of Weho
Back in Weho, the cast gets in the way of the real employees trying to do their jobs. Suddenly, everyone is working the same shift like it is season one and they all genuinely work there. Everyone is talking about having the Mexican trots. That makes for some fine dining. Lala is working the front desk in black yoga pants and a black sports bra. It’s like they don’t even pretend anyone really comes her for the goat cheese balls and $15 watered down drinks anymore. They probably charged at the door for the extras.
Schwartz gets to be the face of the filming at Tom Tom. I suppose this is because Schwartz quit his only job at Pump on the first day. So this is his next attempt at a real job since that whole “representing LVP’s line of sangria.” storyline.” Tom Tom is quite lovely.
Can A Shower Be Rained Out?
Raquel is sent alone to try to get people to film with her and James. She starts with Jax and Brittany. Let me just say when Jax thinks you are stupid, you may just want to go ahead and get on the short bus. Both Britanny and Jax decline.
I can’t with the puppy shower. No one is going along with this stupidity. It’s not going to happen.
Lisa Vanderpump strolls in looking like an elderly Mary Poppins and tells Lala she is required to wear clothes at work. That like, really bums Lala out.
Billie Plans A White Brunch
Billie tells Lisa Vanderpump that her next brunch is a white party and she’d like James to DJ. I thought James already had the greenlight for Billie’s brunches. LVP says no. James is not sober, so he’s not working. Billie says that’s ridiculous. LVP says she really doesn’t care about what she thinks.
Then Lala Kent comes in for her call time on the scene. She had covered her bra in a tiny black SUR t-shirt that is tied up in just the same place as the end of her bra. She’s still in yoga pants with her entire midriff exposed. Billie is furious. Why exactly is it that Lala is allowed to come to work half-naked? And…Billie has a meltdown and storms off.
LVP tracks her down and reminds her who the boss is. Billie says that she ignores Lala’s bad behavior but not James’ bad behavior or hers for that matter. Now LVP is pissed off. I believe this is going to be an episode where Billie gets fired. Her attitude really sucks at the moment. However, she does the best job at work and is the most dedicated. Even more importantly, she actually works at SUR.
Scheana Causes More Drama For Billie
This entire episode is so ridiculous. Brittany told Scheana that Jax didn’t want Billie at their wedding shower. So immediately, Scheana goes running to Billie to tell her she’s not invited. And she says it is because she is friends with James. That wasn’t really the reason Jax gave Brittany. He seemed to blame Billie for Lala’s horrible behavior at Billie’s last brunch. Because now that Lala has married money, Jax and Brittany are hanging out on yachts and flying private on exotic double dates with Lala and Whatshisname. Britanny told Billie that Jax was the reason she was not invited. Brittany says that some of the people who Billie is fighting with are her bridesmaids so it is really not appropriate.
I’ve got to wrap this up. LVP fires Sandoval from SUR and takes him down to Tom Tom. Then LVP says that Schwartz’s check bounced. He says that is an old account. It’s been a year. He will take care of it.
James and Raquel are heartbroken that no one is coming to the puppy party. I am going to bed. I apologize or the long boring recap. At least you will be extra happy when Matt gets back next week.
On the next episode of Vanderpump Rules, Jax and Britanny have premarital counseling. James is angry no one will film with him anymore, and Stassi tires not to crack up during a fake seance scene, and Schwartz pays LVP his $5K in cash.