That Andy M.Hey all, I want to thank TT for the opportunity to recap my guilty pleasure Vanderpump Rules and also The Lady Cocotte for keeping us in the loop and laughing for so many seasons. We hope you are enjoying a glass of wine with Katie’s whining tonight Lady C. As this is my first post, please be kind. I found out I am being sued for a fender bender thirty minutes before the show started and as I write, I have a puking pup needing me.
Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, we are back in Mexico and as someone who just returned from a week in Puerto Vallarta, the FOMO tonight is real. As with any strong marriage the episode starts with Schwartz telling his wife Katie Schwartz “try being with a shitty wife for seven years”….classic Tom & Katie. Not to worry though, thirty seconds later he is back to telling her he loves her and calling her bubba instead of a bitch. Anyone else taking bets on how quickly they divorce after the show ends?
Next up is the big group dinner on the beach where Kristen Doute lets everyone know she “goes barefoot in West Hollywood” are we surprised by this? Last week Brittany was diagnosed with an ulcer but tonight she “wants to have fun with her friends” so she takes it easy with a tequila shot. Kristen makes a toast to drink but not get “schmammered,” and to not getting drunk and fighting. Would there even be a show if these fools didn’t get drunk and fight? We’ll see how this goes. Stassi, always the clever one compares Kristen telling people not to get drunk to Scheana Marie hosting a seminar on how to be single and not need a man. #dead
Checking In, Checking Out
During the dinner the group brings up Schwartz. and Katie fighting on the patio, so loud everyone could hear them. Tom tells the group she felt neglected and he has “been checked out of the relationship” and no one even blinks an eye at this revelation. Ariana Madix has her production-driven side conversation with Lala about her behavior at Billie’s Brunch. Lala says she is feeling zen and immediately follows up by going #ClassicLala, acrylic nails waving in your face and all. Meanwhile Brittany is finishing up her (second, third, fourth?) shot of tequila and the group heads to the beach. Unfortunately for Beau, Stassi Schroeder wants to call it a night and not go skinny dipping, we know how this will end, this is Vanderpump Rules after all.
After Stassi gets enough attention she decides to go out with the girls and let Beau get camera time with the guys. Sidenote: a group of thirty-somethings chanting “puke and rally” is not cute. This is coming from a thirty-something. Everyone aside from Ariana and Scheana go skinny dipping. Kristen obviously falls down. These girls might be thirty-somethings but their bodies are on point (I say that in a supportive non-sexual way) and anyone who body-shames them will have to deal with me. Do you hear me White Kanye?
Meanwhile in the hotel, these grown men spend their evening farting on each-other.
Praise For Them Springing Fresh From The World
We return the next morning with Beau asking Stassi “do you remember what happened last night?” He and Stassi makeup and now it is time for the group to go on their ATV excursion. Sandoval is naturally accessorized for the occasion, leg knife and all. If I were production’s insurance company, I would have a heart attack at the thought of this motley crew on ATVs. Leave it to Scheana to find a way to bring Adam into the conversation. Sandoval lends Scheana his leg knife for her Laura Croft photoshoot. Meanwhile Jax is giving relationship advice to Stassi. Easier said than done Old Man Jax? #Irony
Later the girls get together, baby bottles and all to get ready to go out. Scheana uses this time to plant a seed in Kristen that Jax brought up #pillowgate. Let the drama begin. Lala also fuels the flames by telling Kristen “obviously things are still being said and I would flip my shit out.” Match lit. Finally the group heads out dressed all in white. I wonder if they posted for #OOTD? Katie humping Tom while he is bent over is the most honest depiction of their relationship we will see. Shots are consumed and Lala is crawling on the floor of the club. I. Can’t. Even. Gross.
Peace Be With You…And Also With You
Katie, ever the peacemaker, urges Kristen to confront Jax, telling her “It will be good, it will be good.” To give Kristin credit, she seems….in control?! Is our girl growing up?! Jax deflects reminding Kristen that she is isn’t happy in her relationship. Queue Kristen walking off on Jax. She didn’t throw a drink, so maybe our girl is growing up! Not growing up is a very drunk Lala, spread-eagle inside of a giant bird cage showing her punani to for all to see.
Two hours later we find Ariana doing snow angels on the lobby floor of the hotel. In a flashback we also see Ariana dancing spread-eagle inside of a giant bird cage showing her punani to the club. We then get a montage of all the things they should have included in this episode but didn’t: Ariana being a blacked out mess, Jax riding a donkey, the girls making out with each other and Lala having a giant panic attack.
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
We now find ourselves in round three of Stassi trying to trap Beau into a fight. She makes him cry, he feels battered on his free trip to a five star resort. Does anyone else get the feeling that Stassi’s real issue is that she is jealous that everyone likes Beau more than her? The evening ends with the rest of the girls minus Scheana drunk and topless in the hot tub with blacked out Ariana giving them incoherent advice. We need more of drunk Ariana! Celebrate your true basic bitchiness Ariana! Back in Stassi and Beau’s room the crying and fighting continues. Beau’s tears seem a little inauthentic and forced…He did/does work in production after all?
Next Week on Vanderpump Rules, Schwartz attempts to rehab his image and make up with Katie with Cheetos and Champagne naturally, Lala’s anxiety returns and Raquel and James invite the group to a puppy shower that no one wants to go to.
Bonus: Billie Lee’s thirst for screen time and relevance continues with a confrontation with LVP including an amateur attempt at a walk off. Will this be the last we see of Billie Lee?! Probably not… sigh.
I hope you all enjoyed my first post; I’ve been a fan of this site since before Porsha was pretending to be a housewife to her straight husband. I look forward to keeping you in the loop next week.
Welcome That Andy!!! Great recap. Drunk Ariana is the gift that keeps on giving 🙂
Great recap! Since Billie attended LVP’s newest bar opening in Vegas, I’m guessing it’s not the last we’ve seen of her.
Poor Beau.
Tom S. and Katie’s fight was so cringeworthy. I wonder if they still would have fought if he’d have switched his first class seat with her. Supposedly she was just mad because she wanted to spend the flight time with him (which I get) but then why did she ask for the seat? Were they not together when he was offered the upgrade? How did she not know until he got on the plane? I don’t understand. Maybe she was off hanging out with the girls. I thought you wanted to spend time with Tom? Him telling her about her voice and being a shitty wife was shitty of him to say.
I was thinking the same thing. I think Production changed Tom’s seat and didn’t say anything until the announcement. If not then it was a very DB move on Tom’s part. Normally with upgrades they do not give it to just one person if two people are paired. I think Production wanted to start something. Why would the airlines not give it to either LaLa or Kristin who were not paired up. Tom and Katie have a very toxic relationship.
I was hoping the crew would go to the notorious Andalays. Or however you spell it.
Is that bar in Puerto Vallarta? Somehow I thought it was in Cabo.
Oops! It is in PV. Spelled Andales.
Great recap! I’m really starting to worry that Brittany has an alcohol addiction. I wonder if production is setting her up for an intervention storyline.
The whole cast has an alcohol addiction!
Every week we see someone:
A) Get so drunk they kiss someone they shouldn’t
B) Get so drunk they say something they shouldn’t
C) Get so drunk they sleep with someone they shouldn’t
D) Get so drunk they don’t REMEMBER that they kissed/said/did something they shouldn’t
E) Get so drunk they jeopardize their job
F) Get so drunk they yell at Lisa Vanderpump
Without alcohol, they wouldn’t have any “plot” points for the show!!
Thanks for the recap, good job! Ariana was a lot of fun. Kristen was trying too hard in her soundbites, I wished I could fast forward.
Spot on with Kristen and her sound bites. I found it annoying. Not entertaining at all.
Great recap! Ugh, Billie Lee is up there with Jill Zarin on my list of most annoying, disliked reality stars. Go. Away. Billie.
Without Stassi, I probably wouldn’t watch VPR. Between her quips and LaLa’s hypocritical, ironic statements, I laugh out loud at every episode. I wish I was as quick witted as Stassi. She sleighs every fucking time.
Love, love, love Beau with Stassi. She better get her shit together before he leaves her. I want to scream at her to stop pushing him away!
Loved the recap. Well done.
I liked Billie last year but this year I am not feeling her at all. I do not think the girls intentionally not invite her because she was trans. I honestly think they figured since she was already working that night that they didn’t need to invite her. I don’t think the girls got “that deep” and not invite her. As for Stassi and Beau I totally agree with you, Stassi needs to get her sh^t together before she loses him. He is the best thing for her unless she wants someone like Patrick who is going to put her down all the time instead of uplift her.
Great recap!
My hubs would have insisted I take the FC seat. He would have never kept it.
Welcome, and thanks for a great recap. I continue to watch but is it me or is repetition setting in on these Mexico trips, lol?
Awesome recap especially considering you were not having the best day before this sh*tshow started! Hope your puppy is feeling better!
More drunk Ariana, please! lol
Katie humping Tom while bent over is the most honest depiction of their relationship we will see. An astute observation. Thanks.
Thanks That Andy, great recap. All I know is my husband wouldn’t be for me humping him from behind. I mean, what the heck was that supposed to indicate (not that I’m judging… okay, I am) that we haven’t already wondered about anyway. Katie is a giant pain in the ass quite frankly and I disagree with the other posters, if my hubs got picked for first class, I wouldn’t have a bitch fit about it. Katie needs to control Tom or else she feels he doesn’t like her. #issues. Lala is a hot mess. # issues. Stassi has major #issues and is going to push this guy away. Perhaps she is only happy when there is drama in her life? Intellectually she knows he’s good for her, but her base reaction is to pick fights with him and push him away so he can’t hurt her. As for the others? My usual eye rolls.
Great recap!
Great first recap! The flashback of the evening had more going for it than the entire episode.
Great recap!
That Andy M., wow this is a great recap out of the gate. Looking forward to reading your recap on a good day, hope puppy baby is better soon.
I haven’t watched yet, just getting reacquainted w/my DVR after 4 nights away. I (almost) don’t feel I want (need) to watch now, your take aways and descriptions has me seeing the episode clearly with giggles and a little shame. I may be too invested in the VPR gang drunk in “X” location on all cast trip, words of wisdom from Jax and Kristin in talking heads, couples 101 “how NOT to fight” and Stassi melting down before her relationship has #issues (ref Gigi).
But watch? Yes I will, this episode sounds good! Thank you TT, you found another gem.
Awesome recap!!! Enjoyed your narrative and as a thirty-something also, I agree that yelling puke n rally is NOT a good look lol.
If I succumb to FOMO,I usually Rick James it and have too much fun, see Yellow Robe Smith, and then need three days to recuperate
I had to go find those earrings Brittany was wearing at dinner and buy them and if anyone cares, they are Baublebar Constancia.