Hey all, I want to thank TT for the opportunity to recap my guilty pleasure Vanderpump Rules and also The Lady Cocotte for keeping us in the loop and laughing for so many seasons. We hope you are enjoying a glass of wine with Katie’s whining tonight Lady C. As this is my first post, please be kind. I found out I am being sued for a fender bender thirty minutes before the show started and as I write, I have a puking pup needing me.
Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, we are back in Mexico and as someone who just returned from a week in Puerto Vallarta, the FOMO tonight is real. As with any strong marriage the episode starts with Schwartz telling his wife Katie Schwartz “try being with a shitty wife for seven years”….classic Tom & Katie. Not to worry though, thirty seconds later he is back to telling her he loves her and calling her bubba instead of a bitch. Anyone else taking bets on how quickly they divorce after the show ends?
Next up is the big group dinner on the beach where Kristen Doute lets everyone know she “goes barefoot in West Hollywood” are we surprised by this? Last week Brittany was diagnosed with an ulcer but tonight she “wants to have fun with her friends” so she takes it easy with a tequila shot. Kristen makes a toast to drink but not get “schmammered,” and to not getting drunk and fighting. Would there even be a show if these fools didn’t get drunk and fight? We’ll see how this goes. Stassi, always the clever one compares Kristen telling people not to get drunk to Scheana Marie hosting a seminar on how to be single and not need a man. #dead
Checking In, Checking Out
During the dinner the group brings up Schwartz. and Katie fighting on the patio, so loud everyone could hear them. Tom tells the group she felt neglected and he has “been checked out of the relationship” and no one even blinks an eye at this revelation. Ariana Madix has her production-driven side conversation with Lala about her behavior at Billie’s Brunch. Lala says she is feeling zen and immediately follows up by going #ClassicLala, acrylic nails waving in your face and all. Meanwhile Brittany is finishing up her (second, third, fourth?) shot of tequila and the group heads to the beach. Unfortunately for Beau, Stassi Schroeder wants to call it a night and not go skinny dipping, we know how this will end, this is Vanderpump Rules after all.
After Stassi gets enough attention she decides to go out with the girls and let Beau get camera time with the guys. Sidenote: a group of thirty-somethings chanting “puke and rally” is not cute. This is coming from a thirty-something. Everyone aside from Ariana and Scheana go skinny dipping. Kristen obviously falls down. These girls might be thirty-somethings but their bodies are on point (I say that in a supportive non-sexual way) and anyone who body-shames them will have to deal with me. Do you hear me White Kanye?
Meanwhile in the hotel, these grown men spend their evening farting on each-other.
Praise For Them Springing Fresh From The World
We return the next morning with Beau asking Stassi “do you remember what happened last night?” He and Stassi makeup and now it is time for the group to go on their ATV excursion. Sandoval is naturally accessorized for the occasion, leg knife and all. If I were production’s insurance company, I would have a heart attack at the thought of this motley crew on ATVs. Leave it to Scheana to find a way to bring Adam into the conversation. Sandoval lends Scheana his leg knife for her Laura Croft photoshoot. Meanwhile Jax is giving relationship advice to Stassi. Easier said than done Old Man Jax? #Irony
Later the girls get together, baby bottles and all to get ready to go out. Scheana uses this time to plant a seed in Kristen that Jax brought up #pillowgate. Let the drama begin. Lala also fuels the flames by telling Kristen “obviously things are still being said and I would flip my shit out.” Match lit. Finally the group heads out dressed all in white. I wonder if they posted for #OOTD? Katie humping Tom while he is bent over is the most honest depiction of their relationship we will see. Shots are consumed and Lala is crawling on the floor of the club. I. Can’t. Even. Gross.
Peace Be With You…And Also With You
Katie, ever the peacemaker, urges Kristen to confront Jax, telling her “It will be good, it will be good.” To give Kristin credit, she seems….in control?! Is our girl growing up?! Jax deflects reminding Kristen that she is isn’t happy in her relationship. Queue Kristen walking off on Jax. She didn’t throw a drink, so maybe our girl is growing up! Not growing up is a very drunk Lala, spread-eagle inside of a giant bird cage showing her punani to for all to see.
Two hours later we find Ariana doing snow angels on the lobby floor of the hotel. In a flashback we also see Ariana dancing spread-eagle inside of a giant bird cage showing her punani to the club. We then get a montage of all the things they should have included in this episode but didn’t: Ariana being a blacked out mess, Jax riding a donkey, the girls making out with each other and Lala having a giant panic attack.
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
We now find ourselves in round three of Stassi trying to trap Beau into a fight. She makes him cry, he feels battered on his free trip to a five star resort. Does anyone else get the feeling that Stassi’s real issue is that she is jealous that everyone likes Beau more than her? The evening ends with the rest of the girls minus Scheana drunk and topless in the hot tub with blacked out Ariana giving them incoherent advice. We need more of drunk Ariana! Celebrate your true basic bitchiness Ariana! Back in Stassi and Beau’s room the crying and fighting continues. Beau’s tears seem a little inauthentic and forced…He did/does work in production after all?
Next Week on Vanderpump Rules, Schwartz attempts to rehab his image and make up with Katie with Cheetos and Champagne naturally, Lala’s anxiety returns and Raquel and James invite the group to a puppy shower that no one wants to go to.
Bonus: Billie Lee’s thirst for screen time and relevance continues with a confrontation with LVP including an amateur attempt at a walk off. Will this be the last we see of Billie Lee?! Probably not… sigh.
I hope you all enjoyed my first post; I’ve been a fan of this site since before Porsha was pretending to be a housewife to her straight husband. I look forward to keeping you in the loop next week.