I’ve been watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club when I can find the time. Mostly, I watch for Panos Spentzos and his hats and sunglasses. But, recapping it became so redundant I sort of gave up. I can only report so many times that Brent Marks is a douchebag. Or that Sara Dastjani is sleeping her way through the house. Or that Lindsay and Panos are trying to decided who to fire and then not really firing anyone.
That’s not to say the show is not fun to watch. It’s set in Greece and that is really enough for me. Plus, the mere chance that Lindsay might abduct someone’s child or start speaking in garbled Arabic has me paying strict attention.But
So I thought I would watch this finale now, on a beautiful Saturday morning, because I can’t seem to get motivated to go anywhere just yet. And because I felt like the season needed some closure here. I have no idea if any of you are still with me.
Let The Firings Begin!
We start with the last day of filming. Mike Mulderrig decided to do his job with no pants on the prior episode. You may remember Mike, the bisexual who didn’t want to embarrass his father by kissing a man on TV. Apparently, daddy will just be fine with him literally showing his ass and walking around with this ding a ling flopping about in front of small children.
At the final staff meeting, Panos Spentzos announces that the VIPs this week are “the ambassadors.” Everyone is on the VIP sheet except Mike. Oh, it sounds like there will be consequences! But first he gets to listen to how everyone else will be pampered. Then Panos tells Mike to pack his shit and go. He’s fired.
Now it a normal universe, people would see this coming. But these fools including Mike are arguing that it is not fair. He was just giving the clients what they want! Really? WTF is wrong with these people. Sara seems to be the only one who gets it. Or she is just sucking up to Panos. Either way, it will work. Mike doesn’t understand. He shows his ass for a living in Vegas! He’s a professional ding a ling twirler! It’s not fair! What is even more ridiculous is his little gaggle of friends acting like he is “the backbone of the house.” I do hate that am on the same side as Brent Marks. But I am team Panos. He is the hottest guy on the show.
When did Kyle Marve become so annoying? Brent takes the girls bottle of tequila and replaces it with Don Julio 1492. That’s a $150 bottle of booze at the corner liquor store. They are saying it’s $500 at the club in Greece which could be true. They are a long way from Mexico. But WTF is Kyle all in his feelings about? He’s upset Brent is making the gift all about him. Um. it is about him Kyle. It’s certainly not about you.
I am crestfallen that I don’t have a good photo of Panos in his yellow hat straight of the pages of Curious George. I did a quick search with only a very low quality gif showing up. Such a loss. I should have confined my recaps this season simply to what Panos Spentzos was wearing.
Kyle Marve came for Brent Marks with his hands, so he is going home. Good. Kyle was worthless anyway.
Jonitta Wallace and Gabi Andrews both were saved from elimination and free to move on to the next… Um the next what? I doubt there will be another season of this, but it’s on MTV and I’m not familiar with what sort of cut off they use. It would not be renewed on Bravo. And Lindsay really doesn’t have these clubs all over the world that she is talking about.
Four Five Are Finally Revealed
Billy Estevez got the third envelope. Clearly there is nothing inside like money or a check or a contract because Lindsay Lohan rips the final envelope in half and hands half to Brent Marks and half to Aristotle Polites.
Did Aristole gain weight in Greece? His face is twice the size of when he arrived. Did he get stung by bees? Start taking steroids?
Sara Tariq is really pissed. Alex Muffitt is shocked. Both are super bitter. I must admit during the commercial I typed that Sara and Brett got the last two spots. But I really do think Aristotle deserves it. And Sara was a suck up who screwed up her chances by having multiple romances in the house. I mean how long were they there? Six weeks? It’s not a good look. In an office dating situation, it will always be the female who loses out.
Who would you have picked to return? Farewell, Panos Spentzos. I will miss you and your hat and sunglasses game.
So that’s it! Now let me get out in this world and find a new place to waddle.