Lady Cocotte fans will be sad to know that she is not going to be recapping at Tamara Tattles anymore. She felt it was time to move on. She will be missed. So you are stuck with me recapping Vanderpump Rules and I haven’t really been playing close attention to this show, I’ll try to do a better job of getting this up timely. This week has been insane with all the breaking news.
Ah, now I remember the previous episode of Vanderpump Rules. It seems so long ago. I’m wondering why Lala still has ten fingers. I think I would have broken one of them if I were on the other end of her bizarre tirade. I remember when I used to like Lala. sigh.
Opening Night At Tom Tom
We start this episode with everyone getting ready for the grand opening of Tom Tom. I wonder how excited the Toms really are about this. I don’t believe that Sandoval actually purchased a motorcycle with a sidecar, but I shall try to suspend my disbelief. I’m really not sure the Toms even work there that much. Stassi Schroeder declares that this is like Tom Schwarz and Tom Sandoval’s wedding. I suppose it is their Bravo wedding. Let’s try not to think about how those usually work out. They are wearing matching white suits for the occasion. Because, not gay, just very, very, very metrosexual.
Tom Schwartz is thrilled that Tom Sandoval bought him a helmet with his name on it, and gloves to match his. There are bromances, and then there is Tom Tom. If only Sandoval had put gas in the bike. I wish I wasn’t so jaded about these reality shows. I miss the time when I could watch in ignorant bliss and never think about production.
The Thirst Is Real
At the party, the group sits at a long table and orders off the menu. Scheana Marie and Adam Spott opt to sit off to the side. They say it is because they are not a couple, but truly it is because they don’t really have a place at the table. They are just two thirsty media whores trying to get on camera by any means necessary. If Adam has to pretend like he is fucking Scheana, he will. And vice versa. So of course Adam is coming to Mexico.
Everyone is ordering cocktails except Brittany Cartwright. She has ulcers and can’t drink. So she is having shots of tequila. I suppose that makes sense to her, but even Jax Taylor knows how stupid this is. Let that sink in Britanny. I get you need something to take the edge of because you are dating Jax Taylor, but a line of coke or prescription pills would be more appropriate.
Has Lala Fallen Out Of Favor With LVP?
The other hot topic on the script while everyone prepared for the party was Lala Kent’s thuggish behavior at Billie Lee’s Brunch. Speaking of Billie Lee, why wasn’t she invited to the Tom Tom opening? Lisa Vanderpump has summoned her to an empty table in the restaurant for a staff meeting. As one does at the opening of a new club. Why should the owner be busy greeting customers and keeping a sharp eye on service when she can film a seen chastising a hostess for not following the Vanderpump Rules days ago?
Lisa asks her what went on at the brunch and Lala lies like a dog on a rug as production plays us flashbacks of her bullying. I mean let’s call it what it is. She has snared a rich man and embraced the newfound white privilege and honed her skills at barking orders. Remember feminist Lala? She’s a distant memory. She wasn’t aggressive at all, Lisa. It was all very civilized.
Scheana Marie Is Still Holding Most Favored Nation Status With LVP
That questionable testimony that Scheana Marie gave during the Bustillos trial continues to pay dividends long after the wedding payoff. Even though Ken and Lisa were found personally liable in addition to Villa Blanca being on the hook. Speaking of Villa Blanca, she’s been touting it on social media again recently. I guess she wasn’t able to sell it despite years of trying. Lisa Vanderpump calls Scheana Marie the most professional waitress she has ever had.
Vanderpump realizes that she has wrongly accused James Kennedy for being at fault at the brunch. She says James telling the truth is kind of a first for him. Just like her practically, but not really, saying she made a mistake is kind of a first for her.Later, we find out that James isn’t completely sober. And LVP doesn’t admit to him that she was wrong. I really need this infomercial to be over. And we think Bethenny Frankel promotes herself too much. Can we please get to Mexico?
Bubba Needs More Hubba Hubba
Katie Maloney has felt neglected ever since the Tom Tom idea came into being. At opening night, she didn’t get a fraction of the attention that Schwartz gave Sandoval. She even had to ride to the event with Britanny and Jax! She has high hopes for the Mexico trip being like a honeymoon. Since Schwartz is still high from his Sandoval wedding, I feel like they will be the ones in the honeymoon suite. Sorry, Katie.
Insert hysterical scene of Beau Clark in a T-Rex costume dancing a jig here.
Things start going poorly for Katie when Schwartz and Scheana are randomly upgraded to first class. I was a gate agent briefly in another life, so I know this happens. Generally, if they have ordered first class meals and people don’t show up for the flight, you bump people up who look like they belong there. This must be killing Lala Kent who has on no makeup and is white as a ghost and in sweats. I’m loving it. Meanwhile, Katie spends the entire flight rage texting Schwartz.
Schwartz and Katie start feuding the moment they get to their beautiful room in Mexico. Katie says she has a shitty husband. Schwartz says,”try being with a shitty wife for seven years.”
Next week on Vanderpump Rules: More Mexican vacation; The tourists flock to Tom Tom, Ariana tries to tell Lala she’s a horrible person;Jax and Kristen fight about her relationship with James; Stassi manages to find a reason to fight with Beau.