Summer House Recap: Pantry Passion

It is Monday so you know what that means: Summer House night everyone! Let us now get lit and bro-bbq in the Hamptons with the housemates. We pick up where we left off last week with Danielle Olivera getting her heart broken at dinner. Danielle cannot reconcile the fact that Jordan Varrios is claiming not to be into her. Back at the house the guys are talking about relationships. Kyle Cook has a 600 dollar bottle of champagne sent to Amanda Batula and the girls at the restaurant. It’s a very sweet and expensive gesture.  

The next day the gang gets ready to go mini golfing. Hannah Berner tells Jordan Verroi that they told Danielle what he said at the bonfire. Jordan is not happy that his full on douchiness has been revealed. At mini golf Danielle is openly annoyed with Jordan. He pulls her aside for a talk to “set boundaries”. How can I hate someone I have never met? If I may quote Imani from M2M LA: he makes me “shiver with anger”.  Danielle asks him to be honest with her and cut out the bullshit. She is still attracted to him so we will be treated to an even douchier Lauren and Carl redux. Lucky us!  

Hell Hat No Fury Like A Paige Scorned

On the way to dinner, Kyle tells Amanda, Paige DeSorbo and Carl Radke about Jordan’s text screen shots he had shown off. Paige is pissed. Kyle does not believe a word Jordan says. Paige wastes no time confronting Jordan at dinner. Paige tells him that she is pissed that he lied about her to try to make himself look better. She tells him in no uncertain terms he is not allowed to talk about her like she is an object. I wish Danielle would take lessons from Paige here. I may or may not have a huge girl crush on Paige now.

Carl agrees with me because he is very into Paige at the moment as well. Lindsay Hubbard and Carl go outside to talk and discuss how they are getting older and want to settle down eventually. After arriving home Carl asks Paige to go into the pantry closet. They proceed to make out-and with that my girl crush is gone. Lindsay and Everett Weston talk on the phone. The most disturbing part of the scene is that there a large stuffed zebra named Wesley Stripes just staring at her. He is wondering what he did so wrong to end up at the douchiest house in the Hamptons. #FreeWesleyStripes

Summer FriYAY!

The next morning Carl and Paige fess up to the house about their pantry closet makeout. Jordan’s ego is clearly wounded so maybe it will be worth it after all. They head back to the city where Amanda Batula and Kyle Cook are apartment hunting. Carl missed his quota so his job is one the line. Lindsay meets up with her friend Anna who is a relationship coach. Anna coaches her to move the hell on from Everett.

Carl’s job being in peril does not stop him from taking a summer Friday with the rest of the house. They all get dressed up and go to dinner. Paige discusses her date from the previous night with an Australian gent. Carl is jealous despite his adamantly denying that he is not jealous. Kyle Cook and Amanda Batula tell everyone how they are apartment hunting.

Lindsay is happy that they are getting their own space as opposed to moving into one of their apartments. She and Everett had a hard time making it “their” apartment after she moved into his place. Kyle agrees and says that it is difficult breaking up and living together. Jordan says “case in point” and nods at Lindsay. Lindsay goes off on him and tells him to shut the hell up. Carl observes that Jordan should be aware of one of the most important house rules of all: NEVER MENTION EVERETT.

Check Your Ego, Amigo!

Later, at the club Danielle and Jordan make out. Back at home, Jordan refuses to make out with her again. Kyle goes to get a snack and passes out in the pantry closet. Because, that pantry closet is getting more action than anyone in the house.

The next morning Danielle rehashes Jordan’s literal kiss-off with Lindsay. Danielle is confused but will still hold out hope for him. Ugh. Hannah is not going  with the gang. Instead, she is going to celebrate her grandpa’s 90th birthday. Her nana reminds me of Lisa Rinna when she’s in her 70’s.

When the party bus arrives and they all head to a vineyard. Jordan weaves a tall tale of breaking some poor girl’s nose after a blow job gone wrong. No one believes him. No one. A more plausible story would be that he broke his own nose trying to give himself a blow job. Now that is believable.

Next, they arrive at the vineyard where Paige and Carl flirt. Paige hears Jordan tell the guys that he made out with Danielle in a negative tone. Paige goes over the girls and tells Danielle what was said. So, Danielle is upset because she thought that they agreed to just have fun but be cool to each other.The girls are disgusted. Lindsay goes into full protective friend mode.  As a result,  rants that Jordan is on thin ice. Watch out Jordan! He has no idea that the full Hubbard wrath is coming for him.

Next week, on Summer House: Carl and Paige make out again. Jordan oozes more douche during a talk with Lindsay. Kyle and Amanda argue over Kyle’s drinking. I hope you are enjoying this season as much as I am. See you next week!