In the left corner, weighing in at… not very many pounds… we have Dorinda Medley, Tinsley Mortimer, Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer. They come armed with mermaid costumes and caviar. They all put on their mermaid outfits at the top of the stairs and then try to walk down. Why?
In the RIGHT corner, weighing in at even less weight… we have Luann de Lesseps, Barbara Kovovit, and Bethenny Frankel. They come armed with an endless supply of SkinnyGirl products, tool kits, statement necklaces and chocolate cream pie.
Somehow both side think Sonja is on their side. There are competing dinners and Sonja Morgan, the straw that stirs the drink, is expected by both groups. They have no interest in Ramona Singer. She lies about them.
The women are at restaurants right across the street from each other. This group is at Almond and Barbara is there to greet. Barbara tells Sonja that she should just bring Tinsley to the clambake and leave Ramona and Dorinda at home. Luann, Bethenny and one of Luann’s good friends are all at dinner. They are celebrating Luann’s renewed sobriety. All of these women were very supportive of Luann during her relapse and she’s super happy to have them all together.
The group talks about Luann’s sudden desire to buy a six million dollar mansion in upstate New York. I thought it was a way for her to get out of the party scene in the Hamptons and NYC and get back to nature. The problem was she didn’t have six million dollars. Or the credit to borrow it.
One For All And All For One
So. she asked Bethenny to buy her the house. When Bethenny didn’t do that, Luann got mad at her and talked trash about her to everyone. So, these girls all sprung into action. First, Barbara went and got power of attorney over Luann. How the hell did she do that? Then, the other friend and Bethenny had the code to her phone. So, they blocked her from sending drunken emails.
Luann doesn’t remember any of the intervention. She says she owes them forever for saving her. Bethenny say she doesn’t owe them anything. Barbara says that’s what friends are for. Bethenny, who seems to be the only one drinking at this dinner (and I can’t blame her, she was approached by people giving her condolences about Dennis on the way into the restaurant) makes a toast “When one member of the team is down, the whole team is down.” Um, cheers?
Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, Ramona is just trying to get laid. Seriously.
Ramona And Tinsley Get A Private Tennis Lesson
The next day, at Ramona’s house, the blondes listen to Ramona talk about the men she is dating. Her tennis coach arrives and Ramona throws herself at him. He reminds her they have rules about that. Ramona and Tinsley have a lesson together. Tinsley is really good at tennis. Ramona is having problems getting any balls to do what she wants. She leaves the lesson early. Game. Set. Match. Tinsley.
Bethenny Shows Us Another One of Her Hamptons Houses
When Bethenny Frankel did that show with Fredrik Eklund, she picked up several properties in the Hamptons. She wants Barbara’s opinion on what to do with it. As Barbara says, the place is “Architectural Digest.” Bethenny says she rented the house out for two months for more than the house costs to run. So now she is trying to figure out what to do with it. I can answer that. KEEP IT! You never sell the hotels when you play monopoly, Bethenny?
Meanwhile, At Dorinda Medley’s House…
Dorinda Medley and Ramona Singer cannot wait to hear the full report from Sonja Morgan. Sonja says the dinner was with Luann’s friends and it was about her recovery. Ramona Singer will be playing the role of biggest cunt this season. She says going to rehab for only fourteen days isn’t rehab. It’s a vacation. Dorinda starts counting Luann’s days for her and says she can’t have 55 days sober yet. Wow. Really? This is why both of these women are not going to be allowed at the clambake.
Sonja lets Dorinda and Ramona know that they are not invited to the clambake because they are both cunts and Luann is in a vulnerable state. Barbara said that Dorinda needed to give Lu a call and makeup with her. Dorinda said she is not doing that. She is pissed. How dare Barbara deny her the pleasure of kicking Lu while she is down?
Dorinda Calls Barbara
Tinsley blames Luann for causing tension and making the situation worse. Dorinda calls Barbara and refuses to take any responsibility for all the awful things she said and did in Cartagena. Let’s revisit that again:
Luann tries to make pleasant conversation. She asks Dorinda how her margarita is and Dorinda responds with “Why would you ask me that?” Luann says, “she’s starting!” and Dorinda is offended by that as well. Luann says that Dorinda drinks to a certain point and then gets mean. We are at that point where slurry Dorinda says, “A countess got married and now she’s not a countess anymore.” And then “You drink some more and get arrested, honey.”
Dorinda breaks a glass in Luann’s general direction. Luann gets up to leave and Dorinda stands up and gets in her face. Dorinda brings up Luann’s mugshot. The waiter tries to replace Dorinda’s drink and Ramona cuts her off. Dorinda tells Ramona that she will never speak to Luann again. Dorinda goes to smoke. When she comes back Luann leaves in a cab. Ramona points out that Dorinda does become very aggressive when she drinks. Dorinda denies this while being very aggressive with Ramona. She repeatedly tells Ramona to shut her mouth.
Dorinda Refuses To Accept Any Blame For This Behavior
On the van home Dorinda says that Luann will be drinking again in three months. Dorinda will be drinking again as soon as she gets out of the van.
Bethenny went back to the house after Lu but before the rest of the girls and Luann tells Bethenny what Dorinda said to her. Luann is still crying. Dorinda is alone in another room with a big glass of wine. Bethenny tells Luann a story about their time in Puerto Rico that she says she hasn’t told anyone. She tells her about Dorinda’s drunken behavior toward her team in Miami. Bethenny says that Dorinda needs to go get help. Bethenny says Dorinda knows she has a problem.
Dorinda talks to Carole about her fight with Luann. Dorinda thinks she deserves an apology from Luann. Wow. Bethenny tries to talk to Dorinda but Dorinda is incomprehensible. She has lipstick smeared all over her face and looks insane.
Barbara Is Shocked By Dorinda’s Stubborness
The next day she admitted she had a problem and told Luann she needed to go to an AA meeting with her. Since then Dorinda has stopped drinking on camera. She seems to be angry at Luann over her own problems with alcohol being called out on camera. So now she is bashing her sobriety and trashing anyone who comforts Luann. Lest Ramona forget, Dorinda scared the shit out of her in Cartagena. And that is what this rift between Luann and Dorinda is all about.
Dorinda hangs up on Barbara. Barbara tells Bethenny she really thought Dorinda would call Luann and make things right. Bethenny said she thought Dorinda would call but she knew she wasn’t going to apologize.
Sonja Is On The Brunette’s Side
Now Sonja is stuck at Ramona’s with the blondes when she really wants to stay with Luann and the Brunettes.
I love seeing Barbara shop in a general store in the Hamptons for things for her party. Lu shows up looking great as always. Luann gives her foodie advice.
Barbara and Luann talk about Ramona being coach in the background of Dorinda’s nasty call. By the way, Dorinda’s face was bright red like that before she got on the phone. Sunburn? Or something else?
Dorinda gets Ramona’s advice on whether to send Luann some sort of meme to Luann. Ramona thinks it is appropriate so she sends it. I expect it to be horrible.
When you haven’t forgiven those who have hurt you, you turn your back against your future.
When you do forgive, you start walking forward. ~Tyler Perry
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A fucking Tyler Perry quote? That’s priceless. It’s actually way better than I expected from these two brianiacs. But still.
I haven’t had a chance to even question if these folks actually know what a clambake is. I suppose we will find out. There are ten minutes of show left. So, I fully expect Ramona and/or Dorinda to show up and ruin Barbara’s first event for the girls. Actually there were four minutes of commercials at the end.
I love Barbara’s house and the Moroccan vibe. Barbara built the house herself.
Yep, Ramona is going. She says she is going to “say her piece.” In other words, “ruin the party.” These girls need to start having a security guard at these events.
Meanwhile Bethenny has a huge laugh over the Tyler Perry quote.
Ramona plans to spring on Barbara at the thirty minute mark. Then they promised Dorinda they would leave in an hour. Who does either of those things? Ramona, who made up all sorts of lies at the last reunion, is doing a talking head saying that Luann doesn’t tell the truth? Girl, shut up. The episode ends when the three blondes finally find their way into Barbara’s backyard.
I’m seriousl don’t think I can do a whole season with Dorinda and Ramona being this awful. Ramona is awful at the clambake. Dorinda continues not to listen to reason. Luann finally comes face to face with Dorinda. Sigh, see you next week for another RHONY Recap.