There’s a disturbance in the Vanderpump Rules universe. Don’t blame Jax Taylor’s alleged STDs. Or Lisa Vanderpump’s numerous legal dramas. Our favorite former-SURvers are experiencing relationship problems. Everyone’s talking about Lala Kent’s breakup. While James Kennedy enjoys the schadenfreude, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor bid farewell to the PJ. When Lala arrives for consolation and vodka, her Gucci slides do the talking. The split was a mere blip, ugly hours best forgotten. Randall Emmett is her man. Their love is eternal.
More Crappy Relationships
At Vanderpump Dogs (because Lisa Vanderpump is really trying to make that happen), Stassi Schroeder tells her all about Kristen Doute’s problems with Brian Carter. I know I’m beating a dead horse with my request that LVP go back to Beverly Hills but does this scene make sense? Lisa is gossiping with a customer/ ex-employee about another former employee (respect the 4th wall!). I’m baffled. To quote Latrice Royale, “The level of unprofessionalism… far too much.”
Tom Sandoval uses house buying as an opportunity to start a conversation about children. He’s unwilling (or afraid) to speak his truth. So, he rambles. Maybe, if the stars align, all things considered. Ariana Madix gives a charming talking head about turning up her music to tune him out. Because love is never listening. Since Tom isn’t mature enough to face Ariana head-on, he tells her Jax has been asking if they’ll ever have kids. Ariana explodes. She’s made her position clear time and time again. When will the questions end? Production throws her a bone and plays back to back to back to back scenes of everyone all up in her reproductive business. And she’s absolutely right. Ariana doesn’t owe anyone insight on her future plans. Except the boyfriend she’s building a future with. He deserves to know. Instead of working out a compromise, Ariana hides behind her moral outrage. It’s the coward’s way.
Lala Kent Put In The Hard Work And Success Followed
Now that Randall Emmett is divorced, Lala Kent is free to share her stories. They’re more problematic than she realizes. As related to Stassi Schroeder over hair dye and smocks, Randall discovered Lala on Vanderpump Rules at the SUR podium. He sent his assistant to asks if she was an actress. She referred him to her Instagram, famous for her sensual nudes. The next day, she was offered an audition for The Row. Yada yada yada, she got the lead and they’ve been inseparable ever since. Just your average tale of hard work leading to great success. Stassi is equal parts horrified and enthralled. She’s flown on a PJ. She understands the allure. Lala Kent isn’t ashamed of her transactional relationship. She got a car the first time they had sex. “He was like, ‘Do you want a Range Rover?’ I was like, ‘Yeah.”” Their roleplaying is downright Weinsteinian. Meeting at a bar or restaurant, Lala plays a young starlet willing to do anything for a role. And when all else fails, there’s always, “Does Daddy want to play with Lala’s asshole?” Kardashian feminism, it’s all the rage.
The VanderVixens Turn On One Of Their Own
Lala Kent has her first movie premiere. She invites all the girls to attend. It’s a huge, life-changing moment in her life. And Bravo only shows 2 seconds of footage. Instead, we’re graced with the post-premiere dinner. Serious actress Lala has more important things to do than muck around in the mud but that doesn’t stop her castmates from creating their own fun. Kristen Doute is the main course, her relationship fodder for their slings and arrows. Brian Carter is mean. He uses Kristen, even going so far as taking her entire wallet on vacation. She’s clearly miserable. Kristen fights back. She doesn’t want to be alone and miserable. And she doesn’t want to lose the investment she’s made in the relationship. She needs her friends’ support. But all she gets is tough love and recriminations. Katie Maloney Schwartz enjoys torturing Kristen with good advice. “Wake up. I love you.”
Stassi Schroeder Meets Her Future Mother-In-Law
Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark meet his mother at the race track. Isa is a kind woman. She’s warm with Stassi and clearly loves her son. When Beau tells his mother Stassi is his best friend, she gets teary eyed. Before leaving them alone together, he begs his mother not to embarrass him. Beau leaves his phone recording to keep her honest. After a story about pee pee dribbles (she is a mother after all), the two women bond over their love of Beau. Beau listens to the recording in a talking head. His smile says it all. We’re getting a baby or a wedding next year (and for once I’m excited).
Jax Taylor Pokes The Bear In The Cooze
Brittany Cartwright gets all four wisdom teeth pulled. Jax Taylor realizes that things really have changed. He almost enjoys taking care of her now. Luckily, Brittany passes out immediately and Jax is able to throw a party in his living room. He realizes Tom Sandoval’s earlier plea to stop talking about Ariana having kids provides the perfect opportunity to Jax it up. In a totally casual, breezy way, he apologizes to Ariana for meddling. He’s just surprised they’re buying a house without working out the details. I mean, these are the kinds of things he and Brittany discussed before they got engaged. Ariana wonders if she’s losing her mind. Is Jax really holding himself up as a paragon of a functioning relationship? And is he talking about her uterus again? Ariana is out of fucks to give. She snaps that she’s getting her house. Tom can leave whenever he wants.
Attack Of The Reptilian Brain
Kristen Doute hosts the whole cast (minus Team James) for a relationship building workshop with Beau Clark’s mother. Isa, either out of familiarity with Vanderpump Rules or just a quick study, focuses on our response to being emotionally triggered. When the reptilian brain takes over, there’s no room for compromise. It’s live or die, no shades in between. The cast listens intently. It makes so much sense. Kristen seems particularly interested. Need makes her a quick study.
Before Isa can fully revel in her success, Brian Carter decides it’s time to slay dragons. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Stassi Schroeder, lounging on his bed, are unprepared for the assault. Why are you bad mouthing me? What about your relationships gives you the right to judge mine? The two women launch into full blown attack. Their words run over each other, each one more vicious than the last. While Kristen Doute seeks wisdom from Isa, her two best friends decimate her boyfriend. Carter seems impervious to their barbs. He tells them they’re the reason he and Kristen fight. Stassi mocks him. “She comes home and gets in fights with you because of me and Katie.” “Because you guys are scary,” he explains. “Y’all scary.”
Kristen Doute Choose Sage Over Drama
Kristen Doute finally enters the fray. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Stassi Schroeder start screaming for her attention. When she asks them to stay calm, Katie bites back, “You guys do enough yelling here, I get it.” When Kristen refuses to join in the argument, Katie slams out of the apartment. Tom Schwartz doesn’t know if he should go after her or not. Kristen starts saging the apartment. Stassi Schroeder is furious. “Kristen has spent the first 35 years of her life in a blind, vengeful, drunken rage, helicopter-punching anyone who’s in her path. Then she meets Beau’s mom and all of a sudden she’s Mahatma Gandhi and saging everyone in her apartment? Give me a fucking break.” Kristen tries to stop her as she leaves the apartment. She doesn’t want to end things like this. Stassi has one demand. “Then stop lying”
Next week: The Toms invite their friends to the TomTom opening party. I wonder if Kristen Doute makes it through the door this time. DJ James Kennedy performs in a club that doesn’t belong to the Vanderpump/Todd conglomerate. Tom Sandoval invites James and Raquel Leviss on the group trip to Puerto Vallarta. This makes Katie Maloney Schwartz blow a gasket. Things end in a knockdown drag-out fight in the alley, AS IT ALWAYS SHOULD.
Who cares if Ariana wants to have kids or not? It’s really none of their business. Sandoval knows where she stands on this and I think he his hoping that he can change her mind. This rarely happens and he will end up resenting her for it in the long run. He should end their relationship if he really wants kids and she doesn’t.
I think that’s why Sandoval’s scared to talk to Ariana (well, that and her extreme intellectual superiority). He knows it’s not a forever love (like Lala and Randall) but he’s not ready to admit it to himself.
I am normally very annoyed by Sandoval and his self rightousness but I really felt for him in that scene with Ariana. He was talking conflict out with his guy friends and she flipped on him about that too. She came across as controlling . And when she turned up her ear buds when he was putting his real feelings out there about kids and she ignored him and rolled her eyes -he looked really sad . I don’t see how a relationship can work when both parties have different ideas about what’s important in life and where they want to go. He seems to want to do anything to make her happy while she is unconcerned with what he wants .
Really enjoy watching Stassi and Beau .
Oh the sacred alley scene. Cannot wait, blood will be shed.
The alley is life!!!
When I do my SUR/Pump/TomTom tour (as yet unplanned), I need to scream at someone in that alley. It’s iconic!
I volunteer, Lady C
It’s a date!
Y’all can FaceTime me in on that as long as we get to question at a few dumpsters for some extra gossip. Haha
Great recap.
I do believe Kristen is nutty as squirrel crap but I do believe she feels mistreated by Stassi and Katie and comes home and vents on Carter. Stassi and Katie love being mean and it does not matter who the target is. Kristen needed relevancy this year and when the James attack fizzled, she decided to make it all about her relationship with Carter.
I also found it interesting Katie had a one night stand (before she met Tom) with Carter. I do not see Carter being any more or less ambitious than Schwartz. Katie is so aggressive when confronting Carter. Even her husband did not bother to go after her. Were she and Stassi expecting Kristen to break up with Carter on the spot? This is Kristen, I am thinking the dating pool is pretty limited for her brad of crazy.
Jax continues to be an ass. What does he do all day? We know he doesn’t really work at SUR-I guess he makes beer cheese.
Lala needs to clean up her act. It is not funny, cute or empowering. I also think her break up was for a story line. It lasted all of what-one day?
I’m with you on Cater and Tom. Tom just got lukcy that Lisa wanted to name her new bar TomTom. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have a job.
I think that she held out a life line to Tom Schwartz because of her love for Katie. She and Katie always had a close relationship (at least on the show). I think as far as the other Tom goes, she thinks he brings something to the table with his bartending skills and she has a close relationship with Ariana.
I’m sure Kristen complains to Carter about her friends all the time. They’re awful and emotionally abusive. Plus, Kristen loves being a victim. Carter’s main job is babysitting Kristen’s crazy. I think he earns every dollar he gets.
I just can’t with Lala anymore. Is it really all just about money these days? She cannot be physically attracted to that guy and it makes me ill that she’s prostituting herself for cars and jets. She’s not a feminist; she’s a whore.I could have had the guy with the bucks but married for love and 30 years later, still married. Call me crazy but I have to be physically attracted to a guy to have sex with him.
Is Stassi already pregnant? Getting that vibe
I think so, too. Now that I’ve met Beau’s mom, I want this relationship to work even more. Children of narcissists need quality mother figures.
Huh, I was watching WWHL recordings today, Stassi and Katie were on. I really didn’t look at Stassi very closely I was completely distracted by Katie!! Wow! She was dressed like my 2nd grade teacher back in ’71 maybe 70, not sure. Granted, I loved Miss D’arcy and her pant suits weren’t purple (no sparkly hair either) but what the heck?
Stassi does seem really happy and I’m so happy she found a down to earth kinda guy. The skies must be just opening up for her with ray’s of sunshine and possibilities, she might just get it correct in the love dept. Beau’s mom was a total crack up with her reptilian brain couples class, lol. The enthralled looks these (can’t say “kids” anymore) cast members had on their faces just had me slack jawed and blinking at THEM! Hilarious stuff!
Your recaps are works of art m’Lady! Thank you!
Kardashian style feminism 😂
Who the hell goes and hangs out in someone’s bedroom?? They were having a group session with Beau’s sweet momma and decided to casually lounge on Carter and Kristen’s bed. So weird. Stassi needs to stay away from Katie because that girl’s anger and bitterness is on a whole ‘nother level. Yes Carter “Y’all scary”
I would hang out in a friend’s bedroom if the apartment was small. But I wouldn’t sit on their bed as I screamed at them. It was the least sexy threesome in history.
It looked more casual ambush than casual hang out. Lol. And definitely the least sexy threesome EVER.
The helicopter punching line was my favorite from this episode. It is a perfect description of Kristen’s fighting style and so funny. 🙂
I honestly got teary eyed during the meeting between Stassi, Beau and his mom. As the mom of boys I found the conversation that Isa and Stassi had so touching. I totally understood both sides of this. Stassi is quickly becoming one of my favorite cast members. And Beau seems like an amazing match for her.
I don’t like to rely on long blocks of quotes but Stassi put it so well, I had to let her speak. Helicopter-punching describes Kristen so perfectly.
I haven’t seen the episode yet. So haven’t read the recap.
HOWEVER. PLEASE PASS THE PASTA, JAMES KENNEDY!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh snap!
😱 awee man I thought he was doing good. That DJ life though right. Thank you for that gem 😂 you’re always in the know ! It’s amazing
Also want to add – so maybe it really is about the pasta ? Or something ?
Did he not realize he could be seen??? And that venue hardly screams “nightlife” which tells me it’s less of a party thing and more of a problem thing…
Oh good lord! This is very bad imo. Who got this footage and where is he? YouTube!? Yikes! He needs serious help. I’m curious to see how the rest of the season plays out for him. Rachael has to have known all along, right?
Why must they do this clapping in people’s faces? If you have to clap to get the floor, it’s probably not a conversation worth participating in.
If Lala’s boyfriend/client is producing cheap films like The Row, how can he afford a PJ?
Where does Katie get off so aggressively judging someone else’s relationship? I’ve always liked Katie, and used to feel so sorry for her when Stassi used to boss her around. But she’s been a little insufferable lately. It’s like she found her voice and there’s no turn-off switch.
All this judgement of Kristen’s relationship from someone who practically had to hypnotize Schwartz to get him to marry her. And now the baby ultimatums?