There’s a disturbance in the Vanderpump Rules universe. Don’t blame Jax Taylor’s alleged STDs. Or Lisa Vanderpump’s numerous legal dramas. Our favorite former-SURvers are experiencing relationship problems. Everyone’s talking about Lala Kent’s breakup. While James Kennedy enjoys the schadenfreude, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor bid farewell to the PJ. When Lala arrives for consolation and vodka, her Gucci slides do the talking. The split was a mere blip, ugly hours best forgotten. Randall Emmett is her man. Their love is eternal.
More Crappy Relationships
At Vanderpump Dogs (because Lisa Vanderpump is really trying to make that happen), Stassi Schroeder tells her all about Kristen Doute’s problems with Brian Carter. I know I’m beating a dead horse with my request that LVP go back to Beverly Hills but does this scene make sense? Lisa is gossiping with a customer/ ex-employee about another former employee (respect the 4th wall!). I’m baffled. To quote Latrice Royale, “The level of unprofessionalism… far too much.”
Tom Sandoval uses house buying as an opportunity to start a conversation about children. He’s unwilling (or afraid) to speak his truth. So, he rambles. Maybe, if the stars align, all things considered. Ariana Madix gives a charming talking head about turning up her music to tune him out. Because love is never listening. Since Tom isn’t mature enough to face Ariana head-on, he tells her Jax has been asking if they’ll ever have kids. Ariana explodes. She’s made her position clear time and time again. When will the questions end? Production throws her a bone and plays back to back to back to back scenes of everyone all up in her reproductive business. And she’s absolutely right. Ariana doesn’t owe anyone insight on her future plans. Except the boyfriend she’s building a future with. He deserves to know. Instead of working out a compromise, Ariana hides behind her moral outrage. It’s the coward’s way.
Now that Randall Emmett is divorced, Lala Kent is free to share her stories. They’re more problematic than she realizes. As related to Stassi Schroeder over hair dye and smocks, Randall discovered Lala
on Vanderpump Rules at the SUR podium. He sent his assistant to asks if she was an actress. She referred him to her Instagram, famous for her sensual nudes. The next day, she was offered an audition for The Row. Yada yada yada, she got the lead and they’ve been inseparable ever since. Just your average tale of hard work leading to great success. Stassi is equal parts horrified and enthralled. She’s flown on a PJ. She understands the allure. Lala Kent isn’t ashamed of her transactional relationship. She got a car the first time they had sex. “He was like, ‘Do you want a Range Rover?’ I was like, ‘Yeah.”” Their roleplaying is downright Weinsteinian. Meeting at a bar or restaurant, Lala plays a young starlet willing to do anything for a role. And when all else fails, there’s always, “Does Daddy want to play with Lala’s asshole?” Kardashian feminism, it’s all the rage.
The VanderVixens Turn On One Of Their Own
Lala Kent has her first movie premiere. She invites all the girls to attend. It’s a huge, life-changing moment in her life. And Bravo only shows 2 seconds of footage. Instead, we’re graced with the post-premiere dinner. Serious actress Lala has more important things to do than muck around in the mud but that doesn’t stop her castmates from creating their own fun. Kristen Doute is the main course, her relationship fodder for their slings and arrows. Brian Carter is mean. He uses Kristen, even going so far as taking her entire wallet on vacation. She’s clearly miserable. Kristen fights back. She doesn’t want to be alone and miserable. And she doesn’t want to lose the investment she’s made in the relationship. She needs her friends’ support. But all she gets is tough love and recriminations. Katie Maloney Schwartz enjoys torturing Kristen with good advice. “Wake up. I love you.”
Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark meet his mother at the race track. Isa is a kind woman. She’s warm with Stassi and clearly loves her son. When Beau tells his mother Stassi is his best friend, she gets teary eyed. Before leaving them alone together, he begs his mother not to embarrass him. Beau leaves his phone recording to keep her honest. After a story about pee pee dribbles (she is a mother after all), the two women bond over their love of Beau. Beau listens to the recording in a talking head. His smile says it all. We’re getting a baby or a wedding next year (and for once I’m excited).
Jax Taylor Pokes The Bear In The Cooze
Brittany Cartwright gets all four wisdom teeth pulled. Jax Taylor realizes that things really have changed. He almost enjoys taking care of her now. Luckily, Brittany passes out immediately and Jax is able to throw a party in his living room. He realizes Tom Sandoval’s earlier plea to stop talking about Ariana having kids provides the perfect opportunity to Jax it up. In a totally casual, breezy way, he apologizes to Ariana for meddling. He’s just surprised they’re buying a house without working out the details. I mean, these are the kinds of things he and Brittany discussed before they got engaged. Ariana wonders if she’s losing her mind. Is Jax really holding himself up as a paragon of a functioning relationship? And is he talking about her uterus again? Ariana is out of fucks to give. She snaps that she’s getting her house. Tom can leave whenever he wants.
Kristen Doute hosts the whole cast (minus Team James) for a relationship building workshop with Beau Clark’s mother. Isa, either out of familiarity with Vanderpump Rules or just a quick study, focuses on our response to being emotionally triggered. When the reptilian brain takes over, there’s no room for compromise. It’s live or die, no shades in between. The cast listens intently. It makes so much sense. Kristen seems particularly interested. Need makes her a quick study.
Before Isa can fully revel in her success, Brian Carter decides it’s time to slay dragons. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Stassi Schroeder, lounging on his bed, are unprepared for the assault. Why are you bad mouthing me? What about your relationships gives you the right to judge mine? The two women launch into full blown attack. Their words run over each other, each one more vicious than the last. While Kristen Doute seeks wisdom from Isa, her two best friends decimate her boyfriend. Carter seems impervious to their barbs. He tells them they’re the reason he and Kristen fight. Stassi mocks him. “She comes home and gets in fights with you because of me and Katie.” “Because you guys are scary,” he explains. “Y’all scary.”
Kristen Doute finally enters the fray. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Stassi Schroeder start screaming for her attention. When she asks them to stay calm, Katie bites back, “You guys do enough yelling here, I get it.” When Kristen refuses to join in the argument, Katie slams out of the apartment. Tom Schwartz doesn’t know if he should go after her or not. Kristen starts saging the apartment. Stassi Schroeder is furious. “Kristen has spent the first 35 years of her life in a blind, vengeful, drunken rage, helicopter-punching anyone who’s in her path. Then she meets Beau’s mom and all of a sudden she’s Mahatma Gandhi and saging everyone in her apartment? Give me a fucking break.” Kristen tries to stop her as she leaves the apartment. She doesn’t want to end things like this. Stassi has one demand. “Then stop lying”
Next week: The Toms invite their friends to the TomTom opening party. I wonder if Kristen Doute makes it through the door this time. DJ James Kennedy performs in a club that doesn’t belong to the Vanderpump/Todd conglomerate. Tom Sandoval invites James and Raquel Leviss on the group trip to Puerto Vallarta. This makes Katie Maloney Schwartz blow a gasket. Things end in a knockdown drag-out fight in the alley, AS IT ALWAYS SHOULD.