I have been so excited about the premiere of Mexican Dynasties all day! And yet, somehow I am late to the party. This season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is going to be an insanely good time. The swift and dramatic take-down of Lisa Vanderpump early on in the season has things off to a very fast-paced start and the recapping is as intense as the drama. So forgive me if I am a bit brain-dead. I’m also working on taxes this week and I resized and watermarked about 30 photos for this show alone today. The good news is now I have had a good lesson in everyone’s names so I have a better shot at getting them right most of the time. Let’s get started!
It is National Earthquake Drill Day and the maid, Chio, has come with a tray of coffee to awaken Fernando Allende and his wife Mari from their slumber. The Allendes live in a penthouse so they will certainly die in an earthquake before they could get to ground level. This is why penthouses give me anxiety. I love that Mari Allende slept in her jewelry. She’s ever prepared for an evacuation. Me and you both, Mari. Although my jewelry will be the things I barter during the zombie apocalypse. I have small bills and coins and hand-held can openers to barter first. I also appreciate they are both in bed at 1 pm. Perhaps I was born in the wrong country.
The David Cassidy of Mexico
Fernando sets off to find Adan, the youngest son who is clearly treated like the baby of the family by his parents. Adan is raiding the refrigerator like a typical teenage boy. Oh wait. He’s 27. These three call each other the tripod. We see pictures of them snuggling in the same bed watching TV. Fernando tells us they never leave each other’s side. They also party together. I guess I won’t get a job either. I could see Fernando being the David Cassidy of Mexico.
Watching these people decide what to wear and what to bring for the earthquake drill is hilarious. Fernando struggles to decide which of his fifty watches most says, “Earthquake drill.” After five flights of stairs, Mari is coming around to my line of thinking with regard to penthouses. A nice sprawling farm in the country with some sort of tornado/earthquake/zombie shelter would be money well spent. They didn’t make it out in time. I told you so. Also, I learned how to say Oh My God in Spanish. This should be helpful when I move to Costa Rica.
We All Know What Happened With The Beatles….
Before Jenny and Elan even arrive at the house, we learn that Jenny is not excited to see her mother-in-law Mari. Apparently, Mari always corrects Jenny’s English. Jenny hardly has foreign accent at all. Jenny is from Puerto Rico and is a former Miss World Pureto Rico. When Elan was in his twenties he married Jenny. His parents were the manage of the band he was in with his brother called, Allende. They told him to choose between the band and his wife. He obviously chose his wife. Cut to a confessional with Adan. “We all know what happened with the Beatles…(whispers) Yoko.” I love this show. It is hysterical. I have a feeling that Jenny is the one my source says wants to be the next Golnesa.
A Family That Sleeps Together…
Now Elan and Jenny have their own record deal they just signed. Didn’t John Lennon end of doing a record deal with Yoko Ono for ton of records no one remembers? They have two kids Valentina and Fernando who are expected to arrive sometime before filming ends. As it turns out the penthouse doesn’t have a third bed for the new arrivals. What kind of penthouse is this? So Mari offers the marital bed to Jenny and Elan. Absolutely not, said Jenny.
Jenny points out the obvious that there are no boundaries in the Allende family. Fernando and Mari showed up on their honeymoon with Adan! They were supposed to sleep in Adan’s room but someone has apparently purchased him a spot on The Voice, Mexico. Clearly, this means that Adan must get his beauty rest and take care of his vocal instrument. He suggests they go to a hotel if they don’t want to sleep on the inflatable mattress. I think Jenny should jump at this opportunity. Instead, after mucho complaining, Adan agrees to sleep on the air mattress.
The Joan Rivers of Mexico City
Doris Bessudos has returned home to
film the show help her mother after the passing of her father, the patriarch of the family. Doris lives in Beverly Hills and is Mauricio Umansky’s cousin. Wow! Her parents are the owner’s of Jarrito’s soft drinks. It’s sometimes easier to find a Jarrito’s in the ghetto convenience store than a co-cola. These people really are rich. Raquel Bessudos is the most famous fashion critic in Latin America according to Doris. She has her own TV show that is similar to what Fashion Police was when Joan Rivers was on it and it was still good. Ha! After I typed that Doris called her mother the Joan Rivers of Mexico City.
Raquel is also the weight police. She is constantly telling Doris to lose weight.
Paulina and Oscar Madrazos are one of those brother sister pairs who are a bit too close. They remind me of the Persian-American brother and sister duo that was on Shahs of Sunset last season.
Oscar and Paulina live either next door to each other or one house away. Paulina drove the children to Oscars house to prepare for his homecoming. He has been off to war for three years fighting drug cartels and… Oh wait. That’s not it. He’s been gone on vacation for a couple of weeks.
These two are rich because their father was the first person to import luxury cars into Mexico City. The have their own TV of some sort. It seems like half incestuous bondage and half game show. Oh Dios mío I could be wrong. Oscar is gay and funny. He reminds me a bit of Adam from Shahs of Sunset. I think I just have Shahs on the brain because I’m thinking of Mercedeh. Oscar was apparently the first gay man in Mexico to have kids by a surrogate. He has thirteen year old twins. At the time, He told his sister get pregnant so their kids would be close in age. Oscar took his mother and kids on a fabulous vacation to Morroco and Turkey. Estoy celoso!
Tragedy stuck the Madrazos family while Oscar and his clan were on vacation. A pet parrot, Kimbo died. Paulina has kept Kimbo on her freezer until everyone could be together for the burial tomorrow.
It’s Time To Party!
Everyone gives some sort of confessional about how hot Fernando Allende was in the 70s. Oscar share that Fernando was once on his jerking off list. Everyone assumed Fernando was gay until Mari came along. Even Elan contributes to the conversation with “everyone was bi in the seventies.
The party is to celebrate the life of Raquel’s husband Leon who passed away a few weeks ago. In true Lisa Vanderpump fashion she tells us that one of the ladies gave her condolences at the party was about three weeks late in doing so. “Perhaps, she was busy?” Raquel suggests.
At the party we find out that Mari married Fernando Allende when she was 32 and before that, she’d “been around.” Fernando is asked to sing and he chooses to sing with Adan Allende. Elan Allende is never included. The favoritism seems to really bother Elan. I do like the song they wrote.
I love this show! This means it will be cancelled mid-season. I’d love a spinoff with all the domestic workers telling their stories.