The cast of Vanderpump Rules is well versed in hangovers and regret. When partying pays your bills, you’ve gone pro. So, before PJs on the PJ can get to the meat of it’s story, we’re forced to sift through the wreckage of the Girls’ Trip to Solvang. Katie Maloney Schwartz wears her SUR dress like a hair shirt. Last night, after shooting ended, Kristen Doute’s travel hysteria tore through their hotel like a chain smoking tsunami. Katie was forced from her room, the communal t-shirt dress her only comfort. She’s back for revenge but settles for obsequious groveling. When Kristen is ready to jump back on the James Kennedy crazy train, Katie points out the flashing signs ahead. Carter! Carter! Carter! It’s time to drop the facade. The calls are coming from inside the house.
Brittany Cartwright asks the bearded sommelier for water. She has some kind of allergy that causes violent vomiting after a full day of drinking. Sunshine and cornhole are recommended for the pain. Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute let their friends babysit the #fiancée while they attend to more pressing matters. Over chilled rosé, Stassi imparts recently acquired wisdom: You can be in a relationship with someone who likes you. Is nice to you. Respects you. What should be baseline deal breakers read like science fiction to Kristen. She defends her relationship, Sisyphus with his rock. In her talking head, Stassi gets teary. Deep underneath all the crazy, Kristen has a good heart. She deserves better than she realizes.
Proving she’s the Lucy van Pelt of Vanderpump Rules, Stassi Schroeder sets up a Psychiatric Help 5¢ kiosk in the horse paddock. Lala Kent needs a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear. Her father’s passing is so fresh, every breath feels like a betrayal. In the face of overwhelming pain, she falls back on old patterns. Chaos. Destruction. Instead of turning to Randall Emmett for support, she pushes him away. My Man Rand tries his best, but there’s only so much crazy a man of his stature is going to put up with. Just ask David Foster.
Lisa Vanderpump Hits Tom Sandoval Where It Hurts: His Cocktail Menu
Lisa Vanderpump informs the TomTom Toms that she’s hired a professional mixologist to review their cocktails. Anything Sly doesn’t like is off the menu! Tom Sandoval is crestfallen. He spent months working on these drinks. Sourced the finest hibiscus flower. Discovered the perfect ratio of Butterfly Pea Tea to champagne. Tom Schwartz almost cut his finger opening cans of Aquafaba, for crying out loud. Is any sacrifice appreciated? LVP sits back and watches her
employee partner cycle through the five stages of grief. She hired Sly to turn their cocktails into cheap knock-offs. Vanderpump Rules fans pay $16 for the chance to spy a cast member, let’s be real. But if Sandoval wants to have a meltdown, who is she to stop him? “You’ll learn something from her. Trust me.”
Jax Taylor is not a good actor. Being the #1 Guy on Vanderpump Rules is his crowning achievement. So he never passes up a chance to torpedo his friends’ success. An already rattled Tom Sandoval doesn’t recognize his support for the landmine it is. The man famously impatient when his friends discuss any of their outside projects suddenly can’t hear enough about Sandoval’s arcane creations. Jax encourages Sandoval to imagine the worst scenario possible. What would really upset you? Sandoval finds his bottom line. He’s ready to walk away from the partnership if his drinks don’t end up on the menu. For the first time, Tom Schwartz realizes Sandoval’s implosion might impact him. Could there be a TomTom with only one Tom? Or is this the end of the dream?
DJ James Kennedy Makes His Triumphant Return
Equality California deserves better than being a reason to hire James Kennedy. They do important work that matters (if you feel like checking them out). On the other end of the giving-back-to-humanity spectrum, James is excited to be back in the warm embrace of mama Lisa. Sobriety looks good on him. He’s clear eyed. Fresh faced. And completely delusional. James is like Louis CK trying out new material in comedy clubs. I know I was bad so I went away but now I’m back so let me in. He wants to talk about Girls’ Night, SYNT, reclaiming his throne. Lisa Vanderpump is disappointed. His entitlement, his aggression, it’s all so unpleasant. She lets him know he might never come back. James is genuinely shocked. He never considered that possibility.
Kristina Kelly’s Green Couch Sees a Lot of Drama
Former (current?) Stassi minion Kristina Kelly throws a BBQ for all of her best SUR friends. Her small backyard is judiciously decorated with dream catchers and party lights. Kristen Doute and Brian Carter arrive mid fight. They take over the 2nd shooting location, Kristina’s quaint living room, for a public, on-camera, blowout. While their friends mill around, feet away from the open window, they battle it out on Kristina’s green couch. Love. Money. Affection. It’s the same argument they’ve been having for months. Nothing is resolved, an endless loop of wasted time. Kristen stomps away. She needs a drink.
Lala Kent arrives in a state of agitation. After denying all temptation in Solvang, she’s ready to fall off the wagon. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Brittany Cartwright follow her to the green couch. Lala has a story to tell the cameras. Upon her return from the girls’ trip, Lala found out Randall Emmett broke their sobriety covenant. She seems less bothered that he imbibed. Her complaint is that she didn’t get to. Being the supportive boyfriend he is, My Man Rand blames Lala’s grief-related volatility. “I decided to take a break from him.” The die is cast. The PJ is history. Well, Randall’s PJ. As long as she has a mouth, Lala will never fly commercial again. Know that.
Sly Cosmopoulos, Corporate Mixologist
Lisa Vanderpump curates an unusual audience for Tom Sandoval’s crucifixion. Pandora Todd, his established cocktail foe. Her Husband Jason Sabo, the human Giggy. And Lisa’s friend Tracy, for no good reason. But we only have eyes for Sly Cosmopoulos, Corporate Mixologist. Sly is a force to be reckoned with. She laughs at Sandoval’s ingredients. She insults his expertise. She’s there to make the menu cheap and cheerful. Breaking Sandoval down is just for fun. Finally it’s time to find out how many drinks make it onto the menu. Sandoval is tense. This is the defining moment of his life. Schwartz is panicked. Is he going to lose his only chance to rise above the rank of retired mactor? But it’s all a farce. 10 drinks, with little tweaks, have earned their spot on the TomTom menu. Tom Sandoval is so excited, he nearly forgets to order new business cards with his new Mixologist title.
Since we didn’t get a preview of next week, give us your best guess in comments!