The cast of Vanderpump Rules is well versed in hangovers and regret. When partying pays your bills, you’ve gone pro. So, before PJs on the PJ can get to the meat of it’s story, we’re forced to sift through the wreckage of the Girls’ Trip to Solvang. Katie Maloney Schwartz wears her SUR dress like a hair shirt. Last night, after shooting ended, Kristen Doute’s travel hysteria tore through their hotel like a chain smoking tsunami. Katie was forced from her room, the communal t-shirt dress her only comfort. She’s back for revenge but settles for obsequious groveling. When Kristen is ready to jump back on the James Kennedy crazy train, Katie points out the flashing signs ahead. Carter! Carter! Carter! It’s time to drop the facade. The calls are coming from inside the house.
The Witches of WeHo (Expanded Pack) Visit a Hipster Ranch
Brittany Cartwright asks the bearded sommelier for water. She has some kind of allergy that causes violent vomiting after a full day of drinking. Sunshine and cornhole are recommended for the pain. Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute let their friends babysit the #fiancée while they attend to more pressing matters. Over chilled rosé, Stassi imparts recently acquired wisdom: You can be in a relationship with someone who likes you. Is nice to you. Respects you. What should be baseline deal breakers read like science fiction to Kristen. She defends her relationship, Sisyphus with his rock. In her talking head, Stassi gets teary. Deep underneath all the crazy, Kristen has a good heart. She deserves better than she realizes.
Proving she’s the Lucy van Pelt of Vanderpump Rules, Stassi Schroeder sets up a Psychiatric Help 5¢ kiosk in the horse paddock. Lala Kent needs a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear. Her father’s passing is so fresh, every breath feels like a betrayal. In the face of overwhelming pain, she falls back on old patterns. Chaos. Destruction. Instead of turning to Randall Emmett for support, she pushes him away. My Man Rand tries his best, but there’s only so much crazy a man of his stature is going to put up with. Just ask David Foster.
Lisa Vanderpump Hits Tom Sandoval Where It Hurts: His Cocktail Menu
Lisa Vanderpump informs the TomTom Toms that she’s hired a professional mixologist to review their cocktails. Anything Sly doesn’t like is off the menu! Tom Sandoval is crestfallen. He spent months working on these drinks. Sourced the finest hibiscus flower. Discovered the perfect ratio of Butterfly Pea Tea to champagne. Tom Schwartz almost cut his finger opening cans of Aquafaba, for crying out loud. Is any sacrifice appreciated? LVP sits back and watches her employee partner cycle through the five stages of grief. She hired Sly to turn their cocktails into cheap knock-offs. Vanderpump Rules fans pay $16 for the chance to spy a cast member, let’s be real. But if Sandoval wants to have a meltdown, who is she to stop him? “You’ll learn something from her. Trust me.”
Jax Taylor is not a good actor. Being the #1 Guy on Vanderpump Rules is his crowning achievement. So he never passes up a chance to torpedo his friends’ success. An already rattled Tom Sandoval doesn’t recognize his support for the landmine it is. The man famously impatient when his friends discuss any of their outside projects suddenly can’t hear enough about Sandoval’s arcane creations. Jax encourages Sandoval to imagine the worst scenario possible. What would really upset you? Sandoval finds his bottom line. He’s ready to walk away from the partnership if his drinks don’t end up on the menu. For the first time, Tom Schwartz realizes Sandoval’s implosion might impact him. Could there be a TomTom with only one Tom? Or is this the end of the dream?
DJ James Kennedy Makes His Triumphant Return
Equality California deserves better than being a reason to hire James Kennedy. They do important work that matters (if you feel like checking them out). On the other end of the giving-back-to-humanity spectrum, James is excited to be back in the warm embrace of mama Lisa. Sobriety looks good on him. He’s clear eyed. Fresh faced. And completely delusional. James is like Louis CK trying out new material in comedy clubs. I know I was bad so I went away but now I’m back so let me in. He wants to talk about Girls’ Night, SYNT, reclaiming his throne. Lisa Vanderpump is disappointed. His entitlement, his aggression, it’s all so unpleasant. She lets him know he might never come back. James is genuinely shocked. He never considered that possibility.
Kristina Kelly’s Green Couch Sees a Lot of Drama
Former (current?) Stassi minion Kristina Kelly throws a BBQ for all of her best SUR friends. Her small backyard is judiciously decorated with dream catchers and party lights. Kristen Doute and Brian Carter arrive mid fight. They take over the 2nd shooting location, Kristina’s quaint living room, for a public, on-camera, blowout. While their friends mill around, feet away from the open window, they battle it out on Kristina’s green couch. Love. Money. Affection. It’s the same argument they’ve been having for months. Nothing is resolved, an endless loop of wasted time. Kristen stomps away. She needs a drink.
Lala Kent arrives in a state of agitation. After denying all temptation in Solvang, she’s ready to fall off the wagon. Katie Maloney Schwartz and Brittany Cartwright follow her to the green couch. Lala has a story to tell the cameras. Upon her return from the girls’ trip, Lala found out Randall Emmett broke their sobriety covenant. She seems less bothered that he imbibed. Her complaint is that she didn’t get to. Being the supportive boyfriend he is, My Man Rand blames Lala’s grief-related volatility. “I decided to take a break from him.” The die is cast. The PJ is history. Well, Randall’s PJ. As long as she has a mouth, Lala will never fly commercial again. Know that.
Sly Cosmopoulos, Corporate Mixologist
Lisa Vanderpump curates an unusual audience for Tom Sandoval’s crucifixion. Pandora Todd, his established cocktail foe. Her Husband Jason Sabo, the human Giggy. And Lisa’s friend Tracy, for no good reason. But we only have eyes for Sly Cosmopoulos, Corporate Mixologist. Sly is a force to be reckoned with. She laughs at Sandoval’s ingredients. She insults his expertise. She’s there to make the menu cheap and cheerful. Breaking Sandoval down is just for fun. Finally it’s time to find out how many drinks make it onto the menu. Sandoval is tense. This is the defining moment of his life. Schwartz is panicked. Is he going to lose his only chance to rise above the rank of retired mactor? But it’s all a farce. 10 drinks, with little tweaks, have earned their spot on the TomTom menu. Tom Sandoval is so excited, he nearly forgets to order new business cards with his new Mixologist title.
Since we didn’t get a preview of next week, give us your best guess in comments!
So Lala is all for prostituting herself and her friends support that? How attached can she be to “my man Rand” if she is willing to drop it all and blow the next guy for a PJ ride? I feel for her losing her father, when I lost mine it took at least a year to be some semblance of normal, but this is not the way to get over your grief. So gross.
I love to see Stassi so happy with Beau. I hope it sticks, he is adorable.
Just when I thought I may have been wrong about Lala, in the next scene she goes and proves me right – trash.
Kristen kick him out. He’s just using you for the show.
Brittany is too stupid for words. No wonder Jax will marry her, he can do or say anything. Next week he tells the guys he’ll always be #1 in the marriage. He knows she’s a famewhore too.
I still love LaLa. Who the fuck cares?! She is OPEN about her desire for the finer things. Just like ALL the housewives. Love me some la
I love her too. I really do think she was just talking to be talking. Not literally saying she’s gonna be out there actively looking for someone willing to exchange bjs for pjs. I just don’t see her that way. She was hurting and trying to make light of her pain.
I think so too – She was making a self deprecating joke . I usually air on the side of feminism and not handing out sexual favors – but Lala is just too badass not to like .
This recap is PLATINUM, not merely gold! Your references and turn of a phrase enteratains and impresses.
Thank you and have a great day!
I agree. Really great review your Ladyship! I don’t watch the show anymore but I still read your re-caps.
I was thinking the SAME THING. You just said it better. The “chain-smoking tsunami,” the comfort of the “communal t-shirt dress,” the “#fiancee” just for starters. What a craigh!
Thanks, Warrior et al. I was M.I.A. in comments last week but I read them all. It’s so much fun sharing my favorite obsession with this amazing community. I don’t do it for the accolades but I won’t lie, it feels good. For the rest of the night I’m going to be singing, “Because we’re good as……….. platinum!”
Here’s a little PSA for Brittany. I can’t drink white wines without becoming crazy sick the next day. Red wine? I can drink it by the bottle and feel awesome the next day. Everyone thinks reds are the hangover master but there are actually more sulphites in white wine to preserve their delicate flavors. The more sweet the white wine, the more sulfites. Knowing how that crowd injects Whispering Angel like it’s botox might be her issue….not withstanding Jax, who is an acquired allergy all his own.
My jaw tightens up when I drink wine and I always blame the sulfites.
I can drink aaaaall the red wine, but as soon as even a sip of white gets in my system, my face becomes enflamed and a whole glass will keep me up all night with indigestion!
I have been a Lala fan for a long time, this year I just cant.
Women work twice as hard to get respect and to make it and she wants
to have that type of comment air, RantheMan must feel so secure with her logic.
She has younger followers who will think this is great advice.
LisaVP isn’t looking great on this either. Ariana, seems to be salty with her comments on twitter about the show too,
I miss the peoples couch and imposters, sweet home oklahoma and the decorating shows…..
I think Ariana was spicy. I did not find her salty.
I really miss the People’s Couch…I think that was my favorite Bravo show ever. Never saw the Imposters, but really liked Sweet Home Oklahoma.
Lala practices Kardashian feminism.
Wow Lala! Way to act like a self-sufficient, strong, independent woman! Rand must feel so special and loved you are only with him for the trips and private jets.
She’s such a self-involved little ho. Sadly, she never heard Judge Judy’s book titled “Beauty Fades but Dumb is Forever.” She might want to give it a read.
Yes! How long until she is traded in by this Z-list celebrity? Just gross!
Fabulous recap! That is all.
It’s enough. Thanks.
LADY, this was your greatest masterpiece!! I am rolling on the floor reading this! The Lucy Van Pelt booth, calls coming from inside the house, Schwartz cutting his finger on a can of aquafawba, etc…. I am DYING!! OMG, thank you for your brilliance. I love this! Have a great day!! : )
Thanks, BC. I love people who think I’m funny.
Jason Sabo-the Human Jiggy-absolute genius!! You are hysterical. Ok, the Lala comment I had to watch twice to see if she was going to correct herself and say she was kidding. Who am I kidding, if “Rand” were a high school teacher making $40,000-there is NO way in hell Lala would be with him. Let’s be honest, she’s also not with him for his looks. I guess a man just doesn’t care that a young woman is with him 100% for the PJ oh-and of course the Gucci sandals he took from her and told her, “just remember these”, or something like that. I’ve been on a private jet and I never had to do what Lala did to get on it-was invited be a friend who offered to me take me based on friendship. I guess the cost of admission has gone up in the last few years. Who knew???
The Jason/Giggy connection literally hit me like a bolt of lightening. I think it’s more of a comment on Pandora than her husband.
If people can watch this and STILL not see the manipulative, nasty, back stabbing side to Lisa V I give up. I get the cost effective aspect and such….however, was there not plenty of time to fine tune this prior to them doing all this work and research. This isn’t her first rodeo nor is it news that the Tom’s were never mixologists’. She relishes in torturing and sticking needles in peoples hearts and always has. I agree LC, I was thinking what the heck are all these people doing here and why? Staff training? Pandora is staff now? Lisa go back to the HW’s you may not abuse animals but people are not hands off.
Is Lala just doing this for a story? One minute she is happy as a clam. He is the best but now it’s hands off because he drank and she didn’t (although I suspect it was more than drinking). Every one of these people have alcohol/behavior problems. Group therapy might work.
Brittney is really starting to get on my nerves.
I found that LVP’s delivery about the “mixologist” to The Toms painful to watch. I understand the reason for bringing in a “mixologist,” but knowing how hard the Toms worked on those drinks, it could have been handled better. Sly was serving more as an Efficiency Expert than a Mixologist; a “test kitchen,” not a chef. Sandoval IS a mixologist; he takes pride in his work and does it well. Fly is accurate about training the bartender/mixologists. Those drinks need to be made correctly, AND with flourish. Sandoval has “flourish” down. My favorite part of the original VPR opener was the part where Sandoval stacks the shot glasses with pink liquor on the chimney glasses and knocks them in using the back of his pointer. Tres elegante.
To be fair, I create the bespoke cocktails for my venues, then we run them past another mixologist from somewhere like say, Diageo, who then would make suggestions on how to tweak the recipes to maximise profit. Not that we always do. I’m a control freak.
That said, I can’t imagine this is uncommon practice.
Send LVP back to Beverly Hills! I enjoy watching her manipulate Housewives. Leave these poor kids alone.
Yes ! Me too! Loved this recap I am in the same accord as everyone here that the recaps > the actual show . Always have me laughing . Especially the the human jiggy and that it says something more about pandora ?.
I guess LVP likes her power wherever she can get it .
Lisa wants them to have skin in the game and learn from a professional. Tom and Tom did well having 10 of their 18 drinks chosen. This is business not protecting their widdle feelings. Agree on Brittany.
I know that is what she says. She could have done this off camera OR way before all of this research and what not.
It’s a good day when we can agree on something! LOL
“As long as she has a mouth, Lala will never fly commercial again. Know that” Hahahaha and did anyone else read that in Alison Dubois’ voice? Awesome recap
I say, “know that” in Alison Dubois’ voice on the daily. My other Bravo go-to’s are “how could you do this to me question mark” and “it’s all happening” as I stroke my imaginary tattoo.
Lala is disgusting. Well most of them are, but she is beyond.
Tom Sandoval does need to learn that he cannot be entitled, many may disagree but Lisa is running a business she cannot simply let him have everything he wants ASAP. Patience is needed even if he has great ideas….say yes immediately to anything creates spoiled monsters that become impossible to work with. She is doing the same with James….they don’t see it and pout. Time to grow up gentlemen, not everything is about your world.
its an important lesson for people to learn. More than likely she has made the mistake of agreeing to things in the past. As a businesswoman myself, I understand why it is important to teach staff and clients that there are limits and lines of respect.
Is Scheana even a cast member? opening credits sure …but rarely more than one scene and one talking head….whats the deal there?
She is so disgusting YET she had the nerve to say Kristen was Trashy (which she is but pot and kettle). These people are so delusional and make me so afraid for the future of this world. LOL
Lisa has to make decisions based on business (not feelings) but she should also give her employees/partners clear boundaries and responsibilities. Keeping Sandoval on tenterhooks, never sure what he’s supposed to do, is a form of gaslighting. That being said, the Toms are idiots and don’t deserve any of this. They should kiss Lisa’s feet for including them.
Another brilliant and funny recap!
I was shocked by Lala’s comment. Wonder what Randall will think when he sees that?
Apparently it’s her mouth hahah
Being 50 years old with a mom who literally opened the first all female feminist art gallery in my state, Lala pains me. She fooled me for a little bit with her ” don’t you dare call me trashy, I am an empowered woman who owns her sexuality” bit. But, really? Is she really empowered because she refuses to feel ashamed about giving blow jobs for free plane rides? Girl what about earning the money yourself? You want to be rich, create that money! Randall did. I guess Lala is not equivalent to Randall. I’m so disappointed in Reality Television, lol.
Exactly!
Ok this Exactly was supposed to go after one of Lady C’s comments, Not one of my own.
Enjoy the inadvertent self-congratulations. You certainly deserve it!
I love love love you Lady Cocette? You make me laugh out loud with your cleverisms. I kept thinking Lala was going to say after the blowjob statement that shows could if she wanted to but really loved Man Rand so it’s not about the money. Was kinda surprised maybe editing?
Congratulations to Tom and Ariana on the purchase of their home. Much has been made in the press of the purchase price of $2,075,000 and where did they get the money or Tom Tom must be doing really well. For years Tom and Ariana said they wanted to buy a home. I think they’re good savers, don’t go on all the lavish trips, didn’t upgrade their apartment, etc. They must feel great about this accomplishment.
Years ago, Ronnie Dunn from Kix and Dunne said in an interview that he was comparing what he had with what Kix had. He knew they made the exact same money but admitted Kix must be a lot better with his money than him. Some of the VPR cast might feel the same way.
Oops, Brooks and Dunne ?
Sandaval seems like such a naive child. Does he not realize what he brought to the table for Lisa was limited to a token partnership based on the gimmick of using his name as a tongue-in-cheek pun? He seems to think Lisa needed his wisdom and experience on how to develop a bar. Clearly, she didn’t. To further the Native American theme TomTom is the totem pole. A decorative, representation of what others actively do.
Yep – agree!!
Not the human Giggy! I died!!! Great recap. And TT, if you see this, I cursed myself and my fav jeans are no more. Hoping your fashionista comes through on the denim reviews!
re: Lala – He had just taken her shoes! But really, she is a reality star meant to provide entertainment, not to be a role model for our young women. If we have to worry about a reality star cast on a cable tv show shaping our youth, we have much bigger problems.
Do you mean like rapppers? Of the POTUS?