Vanderpump Rules is usually so good at easing us into an episode. Have Lisa Vanderpump and the Toms (Sandoval and Schwartz) give us an update on TomTom. Have the Witches of WeHo remind us who they’re mad at and why. Maybe throw Scheana Shay a bone and give her five seconds of screen time. But tonight we’re abruptly dragged back to Guillermo Zapata lambasting James Kennedy during his brother’s job interview. Guillermo is cruel. James weeps in his brother’s arms. Peter Madrigal rethinks every decision that brought his to this moment. The brothers Kennedy escape to the back alley, Harry’s first exposure to the hallowed ground. The California sun glints off the hot pavement, reflecting in James’ tears. You know that it’s our time. These are the best days of our lives.
Ultimately, though, Return of Crazy Kristen is the tale of six thirty-something couples (and Scheana), dividing themselves into girls’ trips and boys’ night without a hint of irony. It’s fitting that the Witches of Weho (Expanded Pack) were whisked away on the least impressive PJ in modern history. Toddering around Solvang in five pounds of makeup and ten pounds of hair, pretending to be the Real Housewives of SUR, is the best they deserve. Despite being the titular crazy of the episode, Kristen Doute’s inability to use her phone or walk with the flow of traffic isn’t nearly as offensive as the Witches whispering, “sooo cuuute” every two minutes.
Scheana Shay, still smarting from getting her own room instead of sharing, pulls Lala Kent away from winetasting. She’s trying to take Lala’s advice to keep her mouth shut around Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney Schwartz but it’s so haaard. Lala evaluates the situation. Scheana is headed for a meltdown, it’s only a question of time. Lala sends a quick prayer to patron saint of drama queens and moves on.
Jax Taylor Drops a Bombshell
Brittany Cartwright FaceTimes her fiancé. Despite her complete and total faith in Jax Taylor’s complete and total devotion (#engaged), it’s only been a year since he cheated. She can’t help but worry. Jax doesn’t like being questioned. For the first time in seven years, he’s getting a good edit. No one is taking that away from him. No one. He turns the conversation by dropping a bombshell: James Kennedy scheduled a gig at Pump.
As expected, Jax’s diversion unleashes World War K. Kristen Doute’s anger is a wet gremlin, growing exponentially with each passing second. James is rehired but she can’t go to a party. James is rehired but she bought flowers. James is rehired but dog pasta. Stassi Schroeder tries to run interference but Kristen can’t be contained. She curses Lisa Vanderpump, foe of the House of Doute. The fourth wall trembles. LVP may not be the grande dame she portrays on TV (allegedly), but she does hold the Vanderpump Rules casts’ lives in her hands. With one stomp of her VanderPump, Kristen could be relying on her James Mae shekels to pay the rent. Kristen is too far gone to realize the significance of her actions. She’s in full spin, muttering, “I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it,” in increasing volume.
Katie Maloney Schwartz Uses Good Advice as a Weapon
Kristen Doute has disappeared and her travel mates are grateful for the break. It’s been a long day and Kristen is a particularly long lady. Gone but not forgotten, her oversized reaction to James Kennedy’s Pump gig is hashed out and dissected over dinner. By the time production drops Kristen at the restaurant, Katie Maloney Schwartz is ready for battle. The woman who demanded Lisa Vanderpump fire James Kennedy belittles Kristen for caring if James works for Lisa. For frothing at the mouth about his every success or failure. For giving James the #TimesUp. Despite being a total hypocrite, she offers wise advice. Let it go. Move on. You’re only hurting yourself. Katie has never spoken more mature words. Her resting bitch voice reminds us she’s only saying it to be mean.
When conversation turns to Adam Spott, Scheana Shay tries a new ploy to steal attention. After a lifetime of being a dog (Love me! Love me! Please love me!), she’s a cat. She hoods her eyes. She knocks a glass off the table. She refuses to talk about her personal life. The Witches are stunned. Who is this regal creature? A split second of admiration is all it takes for Scheana’s inner dog to overwhelm the cat illusion. Love me! Love me! Please love me! I texted Katie to braid my hair but she never responded. Love me! Back in familiar territory, Katie hits Scheana’s nose with a rolled up newspaper. She’s not over their Season 6 fight (even though most of us have forgotten it). Katie grudgingly agrees to get reacquainted. Scheana lies at her feet and pants. That’s all she asks.
Boys’ Night at the Mondrian
Jax Taylor is not a good actor. The fact that he gets away with so much only proves how easily duped his friends are. As he moves chess pieces around the disease-ridden board of his life, he can’t help but gloat. Yes, invite James to boys’ night. He deserves some fun. Yes, invite girls for Peter Madrigal. He deserves some fun. In their snazzy hotel room, Tom Sandoval pulls out his travel bar kit and throws together some craft cocktails (ask to see the photos). There’s dancing. Champagne showers. In an unexpected upset, Tom Schwartz wins the fashion walk-off. And Peter disappears into the bathroom with one of their six LBD-wearing guests. It’s Sodom and Gomorrah on Sunset Boulevard.
Once the stage is set (copious amounts of alcohol, party girls, wild abandon), Jax Taylor pulls Beau Clark outside. He needs an historian, someone whose story will be believed. Stassi Schroeder’s boyfriend is the only man honorable enough to meet the standard. Jax complains boys’ night makes him uncomfortable. He worries what Brittany would think if she saw the debauchery inside. Jax and Beau FaceTime their significant others. They want to show they’re the good guys, they’re not giving into temptation. After much prompting, Brittany Cartwright points out that Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz are very much in the middle of the hormone tornado otherwise known as boys’ night. Jax smiles proudly. He did that.
Kristen Doute Gets Tangled in Her Own Legs
Cell phones create a codependent bridge between the girls’ trip and boys’ night. When Kristen Doute learns James Kennedy is included in a night of filming, she goes ballistic. She needs to sound the alarm. Rouse the troops. Burn his motherfucking house down. Unfortunately, Kristen has attained Sonja Morgan levels of alcohol poisoning. The sounds that come out of her mouth aren’t words. “Carter is texting me about boys’ night!” “Wawawawa wawa wawawa wawawawa!” Her friends try to corral her in an obstacle course seating arrangement. Her inevitable fall is due to equal parts day drinking and bad interior design.
Katie Maloney Schwartz gets Brian Carter on the phone. His refusal to admit what he told Kristen Doute is bizarre. Katie’s repeated warnings that she can see for herself on Kristen’s phone hold no weight. Her frustration explodes. She declares that Carter’s not good for Kristen. Emboldened, Stassi Schroeder piles on. He’s mean. She pays for everything. He won’t go to therapy. We see a season’s worth of Kristen footage, edited into a montage of despair. There’s a moment of silence as they all realize what just happened. It’s like Camille Grammer’s “But now we said it” moment. Katie adds a final nail to the Kristen and Carter storyline: clearly her James anger is misdirected.
Next week: Stassi Schroeder is hung over. James Kennedy’s drinking is only the tip of his psychological iceberg. Brian Carter and Kristen Doute fight. Lala Kent decides to take a break from PJs Randall Emmett.