Vanderpump Rules is usually so good at easing us into an episode. Have Lisa Vanderpump and the Toms (Sandoval and Schwartz) give us an update on TomTom. Have the Witches of WeHo remind us who they’re mad at and why. Maybe throw Scheana Shay a bone and give her five seconds of screen time. But tonight we’re abruptly dragged back to Guillermo Zapata lambasting James Kennedy during his brother’s job interview. Guillermo is cruel. James weeps in his brother’s arms. Peter Madrigal rethinks every decision that brought his to this moment. The brothers Kennedy escape to the back alley, Harry’s first exposure to the hallowed ground. The California sun glints off the hot pavement, reflecting in James’ tears. You know that it’s our time. These are the best days of our lives.
Girl’s Trip to Solvang
Ultimately, though, Return of Crazy Kristen is the tale of six thirty-something couples (and Scheana), dividing themselves into girls’ trips and boys’ night without a hint of irony. It’s fitting that the Witches of Weho (Expanded Pack) were whisked away on the least impressive PJ in modern history. Toddering around Solvang in five pounds of makeup and ten pounds of hair, pretending to be the Real Housewives of SUR, is the best they deserve. Despite being the titular crazy of the episode, Kristen Doute’s inability to use her phone or walk with the flow of traffic isn’t nearly as offensive as the Witches whispering, “sooo cuuute” every two minutes.
Scheana Shay, still smarting from getting her own room instead of sharing, pulls Lala Kent away from winetasting. She’s trying to take Lala’s advice to keep her mouth shut around Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney Schwartz but it’s so haaard. Lala evaluates the situation. Scheana is headed for a meltdown, it’s only a question of time. Lala sends a quick prayer to patron saint of drama queens and moves on.
Jax Taylor Drops a Bombshell
Brittany Cartwright FaceTimes her fiancé. Despite her complete and total faith in Jax Taylor’s complete and total devotion (#engaged), it’s only been a year since he cheated. She can’t help but worry. Jax doesn’t like being questioned. For the first time in seven years, he’s getting a good edit. No one is taking that away from him. No one. He turns the conversation by dropping a bombshell: James Kennedy scheduled a gig at Pump.
As expected, Jax’s diversion unleashes World War K. Kristen Doute’s anger is a wet gremlin, growing exponentially with each passing second. James is rehired but she can’t go to a party. James is rehired but she bought flowers. James is rehired but dog pasta. Stassi Schroeder tries to run interference but Kristen can’t be contained. She curses Lisa Vanderpump, foe of the House of Doute. The fourth wall trembles. LVP may not be the grande dame she portrays on TV (allegedly), but she does hold the Vanderpump Rules casts’ lives in her hands. With one stomp of her VanderPump, Kristen could be relying on her James Mae shekels to pay the rent. Kristen is too far gone to realize the significance of her actions. She’s in full spin, muttering, “I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over it,” in increasing volume.
Katie Maloney Schwartz Uses Good Advice as a Weapon
Kristen Doute has disappeared and her travel mates are grateful for the break. It’s been a long day and Kristen is a particularly long lady. Gone but not forgotten, her oversized reaction to James Kennedy’s Pump gig is hashed out and dissected over dinner. By the time production drops Kristen at the restaurant, Katie Maloney Schwartz is ready for battle. The woman who demanded Lisa Vanderpump fire James Kennedy belittles Kristen for caring if James works for Lisa. For frothing at the mouth about his every success or failure. For giving James the #TimesUp. Despite being a total hypocrite, she offers wise advice. Let it go. Move on. You’re only hurting yourself. Katie has never spoken more mature words. Her resting bitch voice reminds us she’s only saying it to be mean.
Scheana Steals Attention
When conversation turns to Adam Spott, Scheana Shay tries a new ploy to steal attention. After a lifetime of being a dog (Love me! Love me! Please love me!), she’s a cat. She hoods her eyes. She knocks a glass off the table. She refuses to talk about her personal life. The Witches are stunned. Who is this regal creature? A split second of admiration is all it takes for Scheana’s inner dog to overwhelm the cat illusion. Love me! Love me! Please love me! I texted Katie to braid my hair but she never responded. Love me! Back in familiar territory, Katie hits Scheana’s nose with a rolled up newspaper. She’s not over their Season 6 fight (even though most of us have forgotten it). Katie grudgingly agrees to get reacquainted. Scheana lies at her feet and pants. That’s all she asks.
Boys’ Night at the Mondrian
Jax Taylor is not a good actor. The fact that he gets away with so much only proves how easily duped his friends are. As he moves chess pieces around the disease-ridden board of his life, he can’t help but gloat. Yes, invite James to boys’ night. He deserves some fun. Yes, invite girls for Peter Madrigal. He deserves some fun. In their snazzy hotel room, Tom Sandoval pulls out his travel bar kit and throws together some craft cocktails (ask to see the photos). There’s dancing. Champagne showers. In an unexpected upset, Tom Schwartz wins the fashion walk-off. And Peter disappears into the bathroom with one of their six LBD-wearing guests. It’s Sodom and Gomorrah on Sunset Boulevard.
Once the stage is set (copious amounts of alcohol, party girls, wild abandon), Jax Taylor pulls Beau Clark outside. He needs an historian, someone whose story will be believed. Stassi Schroeder’s boyfriend is the only man honorable enough to meet the standard. Jax complains boys’ night makes him uncomfortable. He worries what Brittany would think if she saw the debauchery inside. Jax and Beau FaceTime their significant others. They want to show they’re the good guys, they’re not giving into temptation. After much prompting, Brittany Cartwright points out that Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz are very much in the middle of the hormone tornado otherwise known as boys’ night. Jax smiles proudly. He did that.
Kristen Doute Gets Tangled in Her Own Legs
Cell phones create a codependent bridge between the girls’ trip and boys’ night. When Kristen Doute learns James Kennedy is included in a night of filming, she goes ballistic. She needs to sound the alarm. Rouse the troops. Burn his motherfucking house down. Unfortunately, Kristen has attained Sonja Morgan levels of alcohol poisoning. The sounds that come out of her mouth aren’t words. “Carter is texting me about boys’ night!” “Wawawawa wawa wawawa wawawawa!” Her friends try to corral her in an obstacle course seating arrangement. Her inevitable fall is due to equal parts day drinking and bad interior design.
Katie Maloney Schwartz gets Brian Carter on the phone. His refusal to admit what he told Kristen Doute is bizarre. Katie’s repeated warnings that she can see for herself on Kristen’s phone hold no weight. Her frustration explodes. She declares that Carter’s not good for Kristen. Emboldened, Stassi Schroeder piles on. He’s mean. She pays for everything. He won’t go to therapy. We see a season’s worth of Kristen footage, edited into a montage of despair. There’s a moment of silence as they all realize what just happened. It’s like Camille Grammer’s “But now we said it” moment. Katie adds a final nail to the Kristen and Carter storyline: clearly her James anger is misdirected.
Next week: Stassi Schroeder is hung over. James Kennedy’s drinking is only the tip of his psychological iceberg. Brian Carter and Kristen Doute fight. Lala Kent decides to take a break from PJs Randall Emmett.
Amazing recap. I feel like I don’t need to watch the show any more. I’m tired of the sympathetic Jax Taylor edit and the lengths Kristen will go to keep her job.
@Kdwagz: you put it perfectly = i’m also “tired of the sympathetic Jax Taylor edit”. it is exhausting. i know a lot of people from kentucky and many of them raise their daughters in a naive way. i have to wonder if Brittany isn’t acting at all. she might truly be as naive as what we see on the screen. i feel very sorry for her if that’s the case. she will be truly and horribly devastated when this whole Jax bullshit ends. Jax is just picking up a paycheck and some fleeting celebrity that might get him laid throughout the rest of his miserable life.
absolutely wonderful review of this show! i’m also in agreement that the reviews on Tamara Tattles are better than the skeevy shows. i don’t miss watching them at all! lol
Her inevitable fall is due to equal parts day drinking and bad interior design. —I will lol all day to this line! Thanks Lady C!
This made me laugh too !
This is a very boring season. Nothing interesting about any of them. I can’t stand Jax. He is such scum. He acts like all of his past transgressions have never happened because “he’s changed since his father died” and he hasn’t cheated (?) in 6 months. Most of the storylines are repeats of previous seasons. Kristen adds absolutely nothing to the show anymore. Her only storyline is to attack James. Katie is still a bitch. Sheana has a new “Rob” but same played out story. Lala only talks about PJs. I still like Tom / Tom. I mean, in what world is James the most interesting to watch?!
Imo they’re all getting too old to play the silly parts they play, and that’s including Lisa Vanderpump. Jax is who he is and he’ll never be any different. Brittany will live a life of hell if she doesn’t get away from him.
I am with you that this season is very boring. None of the characters are likable anymore to me . Everything seems staged and the whole Lisa Vanderpump controls their lives and they all should treat her as a goddess is getting pathetic. And why are we seeing more and more of Lisa Vanderpump than the actual cast? I thought we had RHOB for that ? This show was my favorite before but is now replaced with southern charm . Everyone is much more relatable and likeable and fun.
Katie is so entitled and manipulative to say to Carter “ well I can just look at her phone later or you can tell me “ . Is she 14 years old ?
Also Sandoval is getting harder and harder to stomach and watch. Even the very way he talks is douchey. I had my husband watch a clip of his talking head and and my husband just laughed .
The Mondrian boys night felt really staged to me. Normally I can fully participate in animated suspension of disbelief but, this was so poorly executed I felt uncomfortable. From Peter talking about wanting boobs in his face to Jax and company talking about how wrong it felt while pale and sweating to James being way too excited about cheese pizza. There’s no way three girls would leave a bar and go to their room without cameras there. And then start dancing in the room to James’s iPhone. It was all so awkward.
This review is the most entertaining piece of literature I’ve read in some time.
“Jax Taylor is not a good actor. The fact that he gets away with so much only proves how easily duped his friends are. As he moves chess pieces around the disease-ridden board of his life, he can’t help but gloat.”
That passage alone is worth the read, everything before and after is pure gold, mad props for your outstanding work!
She’s like this every week. It’s brilliant really. I almost had to sub this week and I was terrified.
I couldn’t agree more! These recaps are always beyond hysterical!!
Great Recap, Lady! I just can’t even look at Jax anymore when he gets that giant “deer in the headlights” look! He obviously doesn’t trust himself, and he seems to have no self control. He needs to stop putting himself in situations where he will be tempted, if that is the case. (not that any chick is going to dig that big, red faced, sweaty scared look that he portrayed when the girls joined them!) I do think Brittany is sweet and innocent, and I don’t think she is acting. She is overly-trusting and naïve. Jax hasn’t changed for good, only temporarily. He is just now getting into the age where most men have their “mid-life crisis”, so for him to get married around that same time is just asking for trouble. But, I do wish them the best. I hope we are all wrong and that Jax really ends up being changed. On a different note, I don’t remember the Scheana/Katie fight, and the talk at the table between them seemed so “off”. I think Scheana is just trying to hold on to her spot on the show, so is going to do whatever is needed to try to get along with the other girls. Unfortunately, they feel the need to either make fun of her if she is being herself, or bully her into acting more like herself when she isn’t giving them material to talk about. I really, really don’t like this look on Katie – she is the bully of the group now. Not sure how she got so power hungry? But she wants stuff done now, her way, or else. Blech. I’m over it.
Ugh, this WeHo Coven has the worst fashion sense! Rompers! Over the knee boots over pants (or not)! Ugly, ugly, ugly! Kinda like their personalities
Even with a good edit, Jax can’t help being himself “You’re not my mother, I have a mother”. At the Mondrian boys night, everyone seemed hyper aware of the cameras. Jax grabbing Beau to go the balcony and make the preemptive strike phone call “See what they’re doing, it’s not me!” I watched the repeat of last weeks show before tonight’s. I keep going back to Jax and Brittany’s therapy. That counselor saw what we see.
I don’t think Brittany is acting, I think she just believes that’s how men are. I mean her momma’s been married and divorced multiple times, that was her example growing up.
It’s a misconception that girls follow their mother’s footsteps. My dad was the best husband and father ever, bar none. I married a party guy who I thought would man up once we married and then once we had kids and then when he turned 40. I married the polar opposite of my father and have regretted it ever since. That’s what happens when you meet someone at 19.
Kristen keeps doing the same thing over and over finding a guy, paying the bills, and the becoming frustrated they won’t kowtow to her. Kristen’s level of neurosis is pretty hard to turn off. Kristen needs to realize LVP will not forgive her. If for nothing else she has ambushed three of her former bangs with an ambush and usually at one of LVP’s establishments and of course telling the co-owner of SUR to suck a dick.
Kristen is way too concerned about what James gets and doesn’t get. At least the guy really wants to work. To me Carter is jealous of James because James actually has a successful career path. At least Kristen’s crazy has gotten her off the back burner and can pull down a decent paycheck to support Carter.
I used to love Lisa Vanderpump. But as crazy as Kristen is, I still can’t tolerate LVP’s nastiness to her and it seems to get worse every season. Lisa is just mean and spiteful and while I’d rather tolerate her than the whole RHOB group, I’m just done with her and her giant ego and spiteful comments. Finished with RHOB over 3 seasons ago and will not watch this either – but love Lady C’s write ups – so thanks for taking the hit and making me laugh!
“It’s Sodom and Gomorrah on Sunset Boulevard.” Please let this fantastic Biblical reference be worked into a tagline for this show.
Perhaps the young audience may not be familiar with the term though. What if the new tagline was, “It’s sodomy and gonorrhea on Sunset Boulevard.”….
My god, I read this while chewing a bite of sandwich and I swear I’ve laugh snorted a piece of lettuce into my sinus cavities. Sodomy and gonorrhea killed me.
Likely that is what the WeHos would think. Like So Vain. Brit was acting like Jax was the ignoramus “thre’s a G on the end,” but I remember HER being just as ignorant. Guess I will ace to watch again for clarity.
If Jax was so offended he should have left when the women showed up. That’s how you know that “boys night” was staged. I’m sure once cameras stopped rolling he was knee deep in STDs
The only one I feel bad for is James. Yes, I feel bad for James. He had gone through hell with his horrible mother and father. As for Jax, I can’t wait for next season. Jax is going to do something horrible again. Jax can’t help himself. He can’t fake it for too long.
My DVR is totally off! Skipped first and last 15 minutes. Thanks for the recap!
You’re so good at this, Lady C.
Haha this is an excellent recap. Must be so awkward for Kristen/Carter if they are still together. I wonder if painting him in a bad light was premeditated and why do it if they didn’t break up?
Katie is the new Stassi.
Great recap Lady C.
Katie is the new Stassi’s AND the new Patrick!
Yes!! Prob more Patrick than Stassi in the mix.
Kristen Doute’s anger is a wet gremlin, growing exponentially with each passing second.
Lady C I love your recaps more than Scheana loves ever increasingly irrelevant males/herself
I can’t articulate how fabulous your recap was Lady C. All I can tell you was I felt it in my gut. You put words on all of my feelings even the ones I didnt know I had! I laughed so hard no sound came out. Lady C, you got talent!!!
After an extended weekend of shit news after shit news all over television/internet, this recap brilliantly captured the skullduggery of these fools truly made my day. Thank you, Lady C. I definitely needed a break from the never ending newsfeed.
This recap AGAIN is so much better than the show is. So are many of the comments.
This WAS my fave reality show because I worked in restaurants for YEARS. But now it’s more about arrested development than restaurants.
Absolutely love your recaps, Lady C! The show, not so much. I hope the kidults have good investment advisors! And therapists.
“pretending to be the Real Housewives of Sur,” “World War K,” “resting bitch voice,” Scheana as dog/cat–so many other great lines!
Lady C, you are brilliant and funny! Thanks for the laughs!
As you said, Jax is a terrible actor. He is so obviously gleeful about stirring the pot by calling the girls. He is not feeling “uncomfortable” at all–he is loving calling them to stir things up.
Katie is so full of herself now. I can’t stand her now, though I used to sort of like her, as much as I can like any of these immature, shallow people.
I think Britney with put up with anything Jax does just so she can stay where she’s at. No way is she giving any of that up. For the first time with VPR, I can’t stand any of them. Not even Schwartzy. Do any of them revolve? ever?