This week on Vanderpump Rules, a hungover Lisa Vanderpump stumbles into SUR. The night before, the TomTom/Daily Mail party was a smashing success. Everyone loved the stuffy decor. The old lady flower arrangements. The insultingly ugly TomTom logo. The namesake Toms (Sandoval and Schwartz) are ready to celebrate. But LVP channels her best Debbie Allen and let’s them know it’s time to pay; in sweat.
In a totally natural, totally unscripted moment, Lala Kent, Ariana Madix and Kristen Doute meet for lunch. Whatever, infidelity. Whatever, DJ James Kennedy. This is reality. Kristen seems excited for the Solvang trip despite her travel sociopathy. Life with Brian Carter isn’t all diamonds and rosé. She’s ready for some distance. Hurricane Lala yadda yaddas through her reason for sobriety. Something is rotten in the state of My Man, methinks.
Watching the cast pretend to work at SUR is getting comical. It’s time to show their real lives, Lisa Vanderpump’s WeHo domination be damned.
James Kennedy and Jax Taylor are often compared. They’re both bombastic, quick to anger, and the #1 guy in any room. Dueling therapy sessions present their differences in glaring detail. James wants help. He’s a young man carrying an entire family on his shoulders. He is open. He’s honest. By the time he leaves, he is ready to create boundaries with his infantilized parents.
In pre-marital counseling, Brittany Cartwright tries to discuss Jax’s not-so-distant infidelity. She doesn’t want to hurt him, she desperately needs closure. But Jax is resolute.
They’ve He’s moved on. They He doesn’t need to talk about it. They’re He’s fine. Their therapist stares in amazement as he bullies Brittany into submission. As the session ends, Brittany points out he’s basically telling her to shut up, Jax shrugs. “Yeah,” he agrees. It works for them him.
Across town, former model and George Michael hanger-on Jacqueline Georgiou shows up to her son’s apartment with an untrained dog. Nothing screams maternal love like the lingering odor of pet urine. James, with Raquel Leviss at his side, is ready to create boundaries. His first reasonable request (don’t complain about my father) is met with an angry tale of abandonment by said paternal figure. Finally, his only other request (let me know how you’re spending the $200 I give you every 3 days) doesn’t fare any better. Jacqueline launches into a vicious tirade about all the luxuries she supplied Master James as a child. Ralph Lauren, Burberry, first steps at Tiffany’s. Eventually, it’s sure to become an iconic Bravo line but it just makes me sad. James Kennedy has never experienced unconditional love.
In an attempt to increase her filial patronage, Jacqueline Georgiou asks Lisa Vanderpump to hire her second son Harry. Later,Guillermo Zapata turns his SUR interview into a sparring session, with James as his punching bag. I want to ask why James attended his brother’s job interview. Or why Guillermo hasn’t faced any hostile workplace lawsuits yet. Or how James drinks enough water to replenish all his tears. But I don’t. I just sit back and watch. Sometimes this show makes me feel dirty.
Finally, it’s time for the Witches of WeHo (Expanded Pack) to make their PJ debut. On the plane, Lala Kent jokes that she’ll never go back to commercial. Eventually, when Randall Emmett’s rented plane days are over, she’ll find a new Daddy. She doesn’t quite stick the landing because she knows it’s true. Kristen Doute is the Kim Richards of the trip. On the way to the airport, she loses her purse and makes everyone wait. In Solvang, she’s stumbling drunk before the wine tasting even begins. On the way to the wine tasting, she eats decorative flowers from a planter. She’s delirious and inarticulate. Stassi Schroeder warns us Crazy Kristen isn’t coming. She’s already inside the house.
Next time: The girls ruin boys night via FaceTime. Later, Harry wants to prove he’s not White Kanye. Katie plays with Scheana like a cat with a mouse. Kristen gets tangled in her own legs.