It’s time! It’s time! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season première is upon us and I have never been so excited. Okay, now I am even more excited, they started with flashbacks of the Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd screaming at Kyle Richards! This is incredible! Lisa Vanderpump had Kyle Richards backing up and Ken Todd was all up in her face screaming! Lisa Vanderpump yelled, “Get the fuck out of my house!” I love this season so much already! The true Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd are shown in the very first minute! I love this new shady production team!
Two Months Earlier
Ah very interesting. Erika Jayne is waking up alone in her bed. I wonder if we will see her actually living in the “clubhouse” this season rather than pretending it is her office? Okay, I lied, she is totally filming in the house. Dorit Kemsley shows up to film with her. UGH. What has happened to Erika Jayne? Why would she film with Dorit? Dorit says her house was robbed. Is she sure that it wasn’t the repo man? Kidding. I think the guy they caught that TMZ was found with some of her things. I’m still not sure I believe it though, for many reasons. Erika says they have been robbed five times. WTF? Can they not be bothered to install decent security?Dorit says she has had a spiritual awakening. Sigh.
Teddi Mellencamp has moved into a new house five houses down from the old house because her husband has been stalking it for years. It has a better view. I am always shocked at how often people move. I’ve been preparing to move for about seven years now.
Lisa Rinna takes Amelia and Delilah to goat yoga. This is freaking hysterical. How can you possibly do yoga with goats jumping on your back? Delilah wants to move back to LA I think NYC was a bit much for her.
Lisa Vanderpump talks to Ken Todd about Giggy getting old and having health problems. He can’t fly on a plane anymore. Lisa Vanderpump does a confessional about her brother’s suicide.
It’s been a month since his passing Actually, it’s been two and a half months since his passing.
Denise Richards comes to visit Kyle Richards (no relation) and they talk about Justin Bieber being in a boxing class they took recently. Apparently, they both fangirled out. Kyle has generalized anxiety disorder. Me too! I totally get it. Kyle and Teddi are BFFs now! They hang out when filming is not happening.
Lisa Vanderpump’s Version of Events
Teddi Mellencamp takes her daughter to play with puppies at Vanderpump Dogs and two male employees pose for the camera holding dogs. Teddi is doing a bike ride event with the proceeds going to Vanderpump Dogs. Kyle Richards shows up to show support and Lisa Vanderpump jokes with her about copying her car since they both are driving Porshes.
Right away, we get in to the season scandal about Dorit Kemsley adopting a dog from Vanderpump Dogs. The dogs name is Lucy and she literally growls on camera; Apparently, this is the dog that Dorit returned to Vanderpump Dogs because it bit her kid. Despite the dog being in the guys arms for the entire scene, Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t want to talk about it. Of course she does, that is why it is one of only two dogs in the scene. And the kids are not holding it because it bites. Lisa Vanderpump says “1,000% I am not talking about it.”
Production cuts straight to Lisa Vanderpump talking about it. She says, Dorit Kemsley adopted a dog named Lucy (hence the episode title, Lucy, Lucy, Apple Juicy) from Vanderpump Dogs and it ended up in a shelter. She doesn’t mention that the dog bites. Lisa Vanderpump tells us she totally believes that Dorit gave the dog to a friend and not to a shelter. I do not believe that. I also do not believe that Lisa Vanderpump believes Dorit either. That is the reason that Lisa Vanderpump leaked the story to the tabloids. She is pissed that Dorit Kemsley has smeared the reputation of Vanderpump Dogs. This is what caused her to hide at home with her swans all season.
Dorit Kemsley’s Version of Events
Meanwhile, across town, Dorit Kemsley tells Erika Jayne her version of the dog story. Dorit says that the dog bit the kids a few times and took a big bite out of Paul Kemsley’s face, (photo provided by production) she decided that the dog was not a good fit for the family. I do believe the dog was a biter, it growled on camera during filming. Dorit says she gave the dog to someone with a beautiful home but somehow the dog ended up in a shelter. Dorit’s story about sending the dog to a beautiful home seemed like a lie to me.
Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump’s First Fight Of The Season
Back at Vanderpump Dogs, Lisa Vanderpump brings up the Daily Mail party at Tom Tom and acts like she was sad that Kyle Richards didn’t come. Clearly, Kyle is not going to go along with Lisa’s fake storylines this season. She points out that she wasn’t invited, it wasn’t Lisa Vanderpump’s party, and she had arrived back in town on a flight at 4 a.m. the day of the party. So this whole,”I was so sad you could not make it” crap is fake lines for the cameras that once again try to make Kyle Richards look like a bad friend. Kyle says she wants to be a bitch to her about a party she wasn’t even invited to but Dorit can drop off a dog at the shelter and Lisa Vanderpump is all like, “she didn’t mean it.”
Kyle says, “I’m not doing this again.”and storms out. Am I the only one that wants to slap the shit at the dramatic gay guy trying to be a part of this scene with his”Oh nooo” routine? So thristy.
Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump’s First Make-up Session Of The Season
Production plays a whole montage of Lisa Vanderpump not being a friend to Kyle in the past and always taking side shots at her. Teddi Mellencamp does a talking head about how Lisa Vanderpump likes to take stabs at Kyle Richards. She wonders if it is because she and Kyle are close. That is a lot of it yes. When Lisa takes on another newbie, she doesn’t like them being around Kyle. She did it with Taylor Armstrong, Erika Jayne, Dorit Kemsley, Camille Grammer, and now Teddi Mellencamp. Back on camera, Lisa Vanderpump cries and hugs Kyle. Teddi says that Lisa Vanderpump is taking out her pain on Kyle. Kyle says she knows but it still hurts. Lisa Vanderpump finally has an emotional breakdown. She really needed to do that. It is nice to see her have feelings.
Lisa Rinna Has Some of the Girls Over For Margaritas
Denise Richards and Lisa Rinna are lifelong friends so she will be a great addition to the show. It’s always better when people are real friends and not Hollywood friends as Yolanda Hadid would say. I want a jalapeño cucumber margarita! But Denise and Rinna opt for straight tequila. Dorit Kemsley and Erica Jayne arrive. I already hate that these two are a pair this season. Did I mention that? Erika Jayne and Dorit meet Denise Richards for the first time. Erika Jayne is a fan. We see a lot of clips from Denise’s movies but my favorite clip was a movie that Rinna did with Charlie Sheen where he was licking her toes while she was on the phone. This is a good group.
Dorit Kemsley, Paul Kemsley, Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd Meet For A Sit Down
These two couples meet on neutral territory to discuss Vanderpump Dogs Gate 2018. Lisa Vanderpump is furious with them but since Paul Kemsley is intertwined with both Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Dodd from when they all lived in London, they are all very tentative around each other so that none of them will blow up their um… businesses… in London decades ago. I’m pretty sure Paul hasn’t filled Dorit in all those days. Paul’s T-shirt reminds me of that commercial with the young couple on a first day and he has a t-shirt that is “half-washed.” I am amazed that they let him in Crustacean.
Paul Kemsley randomly announces that he shaves his arms and his hands. This nauseates me as my mind goes to other places that Paul Kemsley might shave. Sorry for sharing. As it turns out, Dorit Kemsley didn’t know the woman she gave Lucy to. The woman came to her house because she wanted the dog. So much for the “she had a beautiful home” portion of the lie. Paul is very defensive even though Lisa Vanderpump stars by saying she knows that Dorit didn’t do anything with malice. These two are guilty as sin. Apparently, there is a $5,000 penalty in the adoption contract saying that they can’t give away the dog and must bring it back to Vanderpump Dogs if they are unable to care for it. Dorit doesn’t have $5,000. She probably doesn’t have fifty dollars.
Lisa Starts The Set Up
Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump begins to prepare Dorit for the information getting out by saying that John from Vanderpump Dogs got heated about Lucy ending up in a shelter and that people are talking about it. John is the guy that was in the scene and he is friends with Teddi so he told her about it. Is Lisa Vanderpump trying to set up Teddi Mellencamp to take the fall for the press getting the story? Dorit Kemsley points out that Lisa Vanderpump texted her about the dog situation and said she was fine about it. As Dorit points out, Lisa Vanderpump has an entirely different tone now.
Kyle’s Pool Party
I was starting to wonder if we would ever get to Kyle’s pool party. On WWHL, Teddi Mellencamp and Lisa Rinna said Kyle Richards had the best trips and parties of the year. I think that is true every year. For the love of God, where does one hire a charcuterie expert? I need this in my life! Why doesn’t Kyle Richards invite me to these parties? I would go even if I had to be on TV for that charcuterie
board TABLE. Faye Resnick and Camille Grammer were invited.It is Denise’s husband, Aaron’s first filming and he looks less than thrilled about it. Everyone’s husbands and children are invited. It’s going to be a zoo.
Lisa Rinna’s fake eating amuses me. Nothing ever went in her mouth. I need this in slow motion. She licks a bite of hot dog and then shakes it off her fork and pretends to chew.
Dorit is worried about Teddi Talking About Vanderpump Dogs Gate 2018
Teddi Mellencamp and Dorit Kemsley pretend to make nice. Dorit is terrified that Teddi is going to tell the world about her dog fiasco. Nice work there Lisa Vanderpump! Everything is going by your master plan. At least for now. Teddi jokes about Dorit unfollowing her on social media.
OMG! Flashbacks of Brandi Glanville’s boys are in order because Teddi’s boy has pulled down his pants and is standing at the edge of the pool peeing in it! So funny.
Even though this recap has taken me over two and a half hours already, I watched the season teaser trailer again.