All of the episode titles for Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club have had Lindsay in the title. This week’s title, Crossing Lindsay, seem a bit ominous. There are a lot of people who would cross Lindsay Lohan in the Ambassador Villa. Both of the new people seem to not care for her that much. Kailah Casillas seems to have made it her personal mission to cause conflict for screen time and Kyle Marve seems down with Kailah Casillas for whatever. Jonitta Wallace can’t stay on her best behavior for very long. In fact she taunted Brent last week with something like, “Do you really want to mess with me? Didn’t you see me clock a bitch just last week?”
Lindsay told Panos Spentzos at the end of the last episode that Jules Wilson is just a model and completely worthless as an employee. That might piss off Jules. There are any number of suspects at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club/House that this title could be referring to. Let’s get straight to the drama!
The Staff Meeting With Panos Spentzos
Panos tells the staff that Akis and Kevin are the VIPs for the week. He hands out their headshot/contact sheets to the staff as if this were a perfectly normal thing to have on hand for a guest of the Beach house. Panos says the are very demanding. He decides to assign Gabi Andrews , Jules Wilson, and May Yassine to the VIP cabana because he and Lindsay are ready to fire them all and he is giving them one more chance. It makes no sense to put the three worst people together, but it should make for great TV. Especially since he put May in charge and the mean girls don’t like May.
Panos reminds them they are all supposed to be pimping themselves out to attract clients to Lindsay Lohan’s Beach House. They are not going to clubs to have fun they are going to be walking, kissing billboards for the club! Now get out there and service the guests.
The VIP Treatment
Within two seconds, Gabi has taken the VIP preference sheet away from May and started assigning tasks. The three girls ask the Greek kitchen workers where they can get macaroons, pistachio gelato and sushi. Even people who have a basic grasp of English as a foreign language would not know those words. Plus there probably are not a ton of French bakeries in Mykonos. May and Jules head to town on the treasure hunt that Panos has provided. Gabi stays behind to be present if the guests arrive early.
Panos and Lindsay are already talking about getting rid of May. Lindsay seems to have something against Jules too because while she does seem useless but pretty, they describes pretty much all of them including the guys.
Road Trip To Panaitolio To See Grandma
The aptly named Aristotle Polites who is both Greek God levels of hot and he is very polite as well, is joining Gabi Andrews on a road trip to Panaitolio visit Alex Muffitt’s grandma. She is adorable and he is clearly the favorite grandchild because he was the first. They say the first grandchild is the grandma’s favorite and the youngest child is the mother’s favorite. As the baby and the favorite I think that is half-true. I was also my grandma’s favorite. However, it seems every single other grandchild mistakenly thinks they are the favorite.
These scenes are making me plan my trip to Greece in my head. I have been thinking my first big trip to when um, Banjo is no longer with me would be to Four Seasons Nevis because I’ve heard good things and I need to stay at a Four Seasons before I am reunited with Banjo. But now I am thinking about staying in Greece for a nice long trip. I almost went to the Greek Isles once and then sort of backed out. But If you stay away from Mykonos there are some small islands to hole up in. I was actually looking to stay on Panos, the island of the same name and Lindsay’s “partner”. I’m getting the travel bug. It has been way too long.
Grandma says American guys are soft. This is true. I need to stay with Grandma and let her fix me up and teach me to cook. Grandma takes them even father into the countryside for more food and matchmaking. Then, the check out all the farm animals and Gabi gets to milk a goat. I bet they have homemade feta! I want some! With some black olives! Then the goats get loose and hilarity ensues. This road trip was the best!
Time To Hit The Clubs
I feel like we spend more time in the clubs than we do at the Beach House and I am okay with that. Especially when Lindsay Lohan stalks them at the club! Lindsay is pissed that the whole crew is sitting down at a table getting drunk. How dare they go out to a club and drink and have fun! Lindsay tells Jules she doesn’t want to work, she just wants to be a model. Why does she keel singling out Jules Wilson? You would think if anyone could understand the mental workings of a bunch of famewhores, it would be Lindsay Lohan! Lindsay snaps at May for being tired. This is just ridiculous.
Lindsay joins Panos to observe for a hidden spot and the group just bitches about her and not knowing what they are supposed to do. Hell, I know what they are supposed to do! Where is Jonitta Wallace? She usually pimps herself out to the men all the time! They should follow her lead if they want to stay employed!
Beach Club, Day 2–The Staff Meeting
Lindsay “saves” a “live lobster” she found on ice by dropping it in the ocean. It sank right to the bottom. I hope the camera person picked it up and had it for dinner.
Kailah Casillas, has big plans for this staff meeting. She plans to let Lindsay and Panos know that their instructions are not consistent and that their communication of what they want is terrible. Hey new girl, this is not a good idea. I sort of am Kailah. I would feel the wrath of the administrators when I pointed out, things like “Oh hey, did you know these new math books you are using because someone got to go to the Bahamas for a Math Textbook Seminar are the same texts we used five years and dumped because someone got to go to a Math Textbook Seminar on Saint Simon’s Island? Perhaps asking the teachers which texts are showing results might be an option worth pursuing?” I was never the Admin’s pet. Go figure. So I know this will not end well for the new girl.
I thought Kailah was doing fine, at least by my tell the boss what you are thinking even when it is a bad idea standards. But then, she randomly started mentioning that Sara Tariq is “homeless” Brent refuses to move out of the room so she is sleeping on the couch. All Panos hears is the tattletaling. Brent Marks, lover of women says in confessional that Kailah needs to sit down and put a pillow over her mouth. While true, he really should be trying to look like less of a misogynistic piece of shit rather than double down on that perception. Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it benefits you to say it. This goes triple on a reality show.
The VIP- Sara Dastjani, Lithuanian Actress/Model
Do they have actresses in Lithuania? Let alone “very big actresses”? She is a perfectionist. Of course she is. Kyle Marve and Brent Marks are assigned to her. That means Kyle Marve will do the fetching and stepping while Brent Marks makes out with her or gives her a back massage.
Panos greets Sara Dastjani, who is quite stunning, and escorts her to the cabana. Panos introduces himself as the owner. I think that is absolutely true. Lindsay is simply pretending to be the co-owner.At the Cabana, Brent knocks off some rhinestones while cleaning Sara’s shoes and instead of feeling bad, he cops his anti-woman attitude and doesn’t want anything to do with her. She asks where her sparkling water is and he stomps off to get it. While Brent takes a water break on the beach, Sara takes it upon herself to check on the VIP Sara. The two Saras bond. But then, employee Sara overshares about Brent. Then, Panos checks in with Sara. She compliments Kyle and says Brent is lazy. She really loves Sara. Panos Spentzos gushes over Sara.
Girls Gone AWOL?
Jules Wilson and May Jassine have a cabana with the owner of the nightclub they went to the night before. Clearly, one of the girls did their job to attract the client. This show needs Ashley Jacobs to train these girls on the tricks of the trade. May and Jules begin their assignment by complaining to each other about how Lindsay Lohan and Panos Spentzos don’t seem to understand how great they are at their job. So they are off to a good start. The two girls stand in an empty cabana for nearly an hour wondering what to do. Then they both leave the cabana to see if anyone needs help.
Later these two decide to leave the grounds and hand out handbills to customers at a neighboring club to entice them to come to Panos. “Panos will be so proud!” exclaim the two airheads. Panos is of course furious and greeting their VIPs and taking them to the empty cabana that has not been prepped at all. Panos puts Mike Mulderrig on the cabana and the VIPs are demanding vodka and an ice bucket pronto.
The Requisite Threats To Fire People
Panos tells Lindsay they need to get rid of one person, either May Yassine or Jules Wilson. I vote for both of them to go but if Lindsay picks one it will be Jules. Later, Panos and Lindsay meet with May. Lindsay can’t fire her. Panos says that May is the weakest link. But then Lindsay just drops the gavel on May. She is fired!
Will Jules go next week? I really didn’t see anyone “Crossing Lindsay” did I miss the reference somewhere? I loved this episode and wish more people were watching with me.