Love After Lockup: The $800K Hustle

It’s amazing to me that we have four couples and a throuple on this season. The fact that there are so many idiots out there that are so desperate that they decide to pluck someone out of prison just to avoid being alone is insane to me!  They probably had a large pool to pick from for this season and have fools lined up for next season. It’s insane and also must see TV. Let’s get to it.

Clint & Tracie

While Clint’s goddess Tracie is running from the law in a stolen vehicle looking for crack, Clint has returned to the loving arms of his mommy and daddy. He is worried for Tracie but today he has to talk to his boss and ex-wife, Haily. She is an attractive woman who seems to have a good job and a good head on her shoulders. How the hell did she ever end up involved with Clint? The rental car company wants $21,000. He says it was nice of Tracie to only talk half of his money and leave his debit card and just take his credit card. Oh and the rental car of course. Haily’s face during this story is indescribable. Oh, he also said it was thoughtful of her to leave the ring behind. Haily encourages him to get a lawyer and press charges on Tracie. 

Tracie has been on the run for six days. Clint’s parents have a very nice house in New Mexico. Why didn’t they get some sort of mental/intellectual help for Clint when he was a lot younger? Clearly he’s several french fries shy of a happy meal. It seems like they continue to enable his behavior instead of getting him into some sort of vocational training or a GED program or a psychiatrist or something. The current plan is not working. She just quoted Dr. Phil, “Past behavior dictate future behavior” which would be a step in the right thinking process but she’s talking about Tracie when she needs to be Dr. Philing Clint.

Haily, aka enabler number three, calls to say that Tracie is in custody in jail trying to reach him but they don’t know what jail she is in. Clint is thrilled by this news and his mother looks very perplexed by his reaction.

Scott & Lizzie

Scott and Lizzie go to look at a church for their wedding. Lizzie wants to do a confessional in the church. First, she tells her daughter she is engaged. What did the daughter think they were doing going to a church? Lizzie wants to hear Scott’s vows in the church. They have been married a hot second and the wedding isn’t for another year and Lizzie and her daughter are irritated that Scott doesn’t have vows prepared? Does she think she is marrying JFK who can just rattle off a speech in seconds?

Lizzie goes into the confessional with her microphone on. I down there is anyone of the clergy on the other side. But she does have something big to confess. She has scammed various men out of over $800,000 by sending them sexy photos in prison that she used toward her drug habit. She feels really bad about that. lol. No she doesn’t. This is the first really fake scene of the show. Most everything else has been fairly believable.

Meanwhile, Lizzie’s kid is telling him he should not have proposed to her mother. Scott says he is not like the rest of her tricks and their relationship is real because thirteen other guys have proposed to her and she said no. Plus he is the only trick she has met, so that makes him special.

Megan & Michael & Sarah

Megan has been officially deflowered and we join the lovebirds in her afterglow. She asks what having sex was like for the first time in two years. He’s so dumb I’m surprised he didn’t say something like almost as good as having sex with you last night.

These two do some sightseeing and have photos made in front of the waterfalls. I can’t wait for the episode where she shows Sarah those photos. Meanwhile his wife keeps blowing up his phone and ruining his plans to propose to his girlfriend. How dare disrupt his proposal?! Michael is going for his very first boat ride, so this is a great time to propose, y’all! I already envision the ring rolling into the water and getting sucked into the falls. Perhaps when Sarah find out about this she will push him over the falls in a barrel. But first, Michael and Megan reenact the King of the world scene from Titanic. He did not propose.

They are going out to dinner and Megan is all excited. But Sarah has texted him saying that his probation officer was looking for him because he stayed out past his curfew. I wonder how he knew that?  Michael wonders if Sarah is lying. She probably is but he heads back to her place to check in with his PO. Megan will not be having her first dinner with Michael after all and the ring will stay in his pocket this episode. You know, unless he gives it to Sarah to calm her ass down. Megan cries and he tells her he will be back if he can.

Speaking of Sarah, she is wondering where her husband is. She’s not worried he is with someone else, she is worried he has been picked up by the cops. Sarah is starting to get pissed. They had plans for the weekend! She hired a babysitter! Where could he be?

Caitlin & Matt

Matt’s friend has set him up with a legitimate construction job. As his friend points out it is hard to get a job when you have dozens of felons on your record. The both smoke something in a vape pen on the way to work. Matt’s friend hopes his boss who is an ex felon gone legit will be a good role model for him. When his boss asks if he is vouching for Matt, there is a long hesitation followed by a half-hearted affirmation.  Matt doesn’t know how to do simple things like priming a pump. Then he doesn’t want to get his clothes dirty because he doesn’t have clothes. He has clothes at his mommy’s house. He is so stupid, he thinks he is trying the guy trying to help him is making him LOOK stupid. Nope, he’s just stupid. He is turning down a job because he doesn’t want to get his shoes dirty. That’s a bucket of stupid right there. He just needs to go back to prison and stay there. He is too soft for the hard work it takes to live on the outside with a job and responsibilities. He has it made in prison the give him a bed, a TV, they do his laundry and feed him three times a day. He is clearly not capable of doing those things for himself like a normal adult.

Caitlyn reminds me of someone. She is furious that he screwed up the job interview. Matt has no comprehension of why Caitlyn is pissed. She was actually quite calm about the whole thing and just suggested that he handle things better in the future and do what it takes to get a paycheck before his mother gets sick of them and throws them out of her house. Because you know that has to be coming soon.

Marcelino & Brittany

Britanny has not told Marcelino about Amanda until this episode, four weeks in. Marcelino is very possessive but I’m on his side in this situation. If someone I was with had hooked up with an ex in the place we were living, I’d be furious too. Marcelino is even furious with the camera person asking them if they knew. Yep, they knew Marcelino and they filmed it for you to watch in a few months. Spoiler alert, you won’t be happy with what you see. Marcelino wants to be sure that Brittany doesn’t hang around any other felons. He has made that clear from the start. Brittany seems to think she is owed trust that she most definitely has not earned yet. She’s sneaking around on him behind his back already.

Next week: Tracie gets in touch with Clint. Lizzie’s daughter gives her an ultimatum. It’s either her or Clint. For Clint’s sake let’s hope she picks her kid. But honestly, it’s not good for either of them to be around her.