Tamara and I played a rousing game of Who Hates Andy Cohen More to decide who should cover the Vanderpump Rules fellows on Watch What Happens Live. Somehow (Voodoo, cheating) I lost. It took me a few days to work up the courage to watch but I really shouldn’t have worried. Unlike the united front of the Witches of WeHo Expanded Pack, Andy Cohen’s fantasy twins have never been able to take a side. Case is point: Schwartz defending James in the great SYNT/Girls’ Night In kerfuffle. They’re the Scheana of men (thank god they have penises or everyone would hate them). Even Jax’s trigger temper is somewhat defanged by Engagement glow. Brittany surrounds him with yes-men. He’s been thoroughly prepped by his publicity team. He’s ready to play his role, secure in the delusion we’ve been Jaxed yet again. Watching this facade crack (ever so slightly) provides the only real entertainment of the night.
We get obligatory Vanderpump Rules clips. Everyone cringes at Scheana but no one cares to comment. Sandoval revels in the TomTom montage but all we see is his shirt riding up, exposing the optical illusion of a pot belly. It’s infinitely more interesting than anything being said. Andy calls himself “obsessed” with the Billie/Lala fight like Billie’s pain is an aphrodisiac. Overly excited Schwartz tells a story about screaming at Billie that goes over my head. If anyone followed, please fill us in in comments. Ultimately, the boys take a single stand: no one on the cast is phobic. In a perfect example of my best friend is black, Jax points out they wore angel wings at Pride, for gosh sake. Even the Tom’s have to laugh at him. Because Andy’s not not a misogynist, he watches the boys watch Sandoval get eviscerated by his smarter, prettier girlfriend (get the fuck over it). Idiots, all four of them.
Things get a little interesting when Andy adds James to the mix, albeit vicariously. First, we get a preview of James and Raquel fighting over her participation in Girls’ Night In. Jax is already squirming. His need to prove he’s better than James shifts the facade Brittany demands. Smelling blood in the water, Andy reads an audience question: Jax, why does James bother you so much since you’re the same? Jax rears back in his chair. He’s confused. But, but, but… He’s the good guy now. The hero. Brittany promised. Jax finds his bearings and gets back on script. Oh, he was never malicious like James. He felt bad about what he did and made atonement.
Off the top of my head: cheating on Stassi, topless fight in Vegas, dating Laura-Leigh, ghosting Laura-Leigh, sleeping with Kristen, being a sex addict, inviting 10,000 women to Stassi’s birthday, ambushing Kristen, Jaxing multiple women at once, telling Schwartz’s secrets, cheating on a vacation planned and paid for by his girlfriend, the sugar daddy, telling Sandoval’s secrets, fighting Sandoval, hitting on Lala, denying he hit on Lala, more denying he hit on Lala, stealing sunglasses, #1 Guy, gossipping about Brittany and Kristen, sociopath test, everything at the roast, ambushing James, cheating on Brittany, complaining about Brittany on a post-coital tape, freaking out at SUR, emotionally cheating with his Reiki instructor, asking the dog to move to Florida but not Brittany, and bragging about sleeping with Brittany hours before dumping her. I’m sure I missed a few but you can fill in the blanks.
They round things out with Dirty Little SURcrets, wherein the men answer questions about their lady loves. What makes this game fresh and exciting is Andy’s stash of secrets from Katie, Ariana and Brittany’s recent visit. He can’t wait to embarrass and shame his guests if they answer wrong. Sandoval knows Ariana’s in-depth answer to who she would save on a sinking ship. I imagine they play this game at home a lot. Schwartz doesn’t know his wife at all so we find out he cries when hungover and loves really, really long baths. Jax thinks Brittany’s freak number is an 8 when it’s clearly a 9 so we learn he wears Tom Cruise heel inserts. Jax is pissed. This night isn’t going the way he expected. To gain back some of his machismo, Jax says Lala’s PJ is the craziest place he and Brit ever made whoopie. The Kentucky Muffin is equally douchie. Her answer is a 145 foot yacht. It’s make me kind of sad that Lala is sucking dick so these idiots can pretend they’re high society.
I’m happy to say I made it through the 30-minute episode mostly unscathed. My Mazel goes to the poor Puppy Bowl Ref. After every commercial break, he’d bring out a new puppy, available for adoption at Vanderpump Dogs. Maybe Andy’s still hungover from his baby shower. Maybe the rumors are true. But no matter what the Ref did or said (or how alike the puppies looked), Andy refused to acknowledge they were from the same litter. In penance for giving this fool any of our attention, I challenge all of you to watch the Puppy Bowl, Sunday February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet. Come for the puppies, stay for the kangaroo!
Thanks, Lady, for taking one for the team. I have deleted WWHL from my DVR and refuse to give that asshole one click for ratings. You slay me with the Kentucky Muffin. Sometimes I feel bad for it, but then I remember her Tan Mom 2 mama, and then a famewhore is just a famewhore no matter how bad they look.
And this is why I forced Lady C to do this recap. I am watching it now because I like to wait as many days as possible before watching this show. I’m watching now and my recap would have been something like,
“Three metrosexuals sat on a couch. A couch! Instead of the usual chairs. I presume so they could cuddle and preen each other. Britanny must have been really mad at Jax or more likely just drunk when the girls were on WWHL because the shoe lifts and being afraid of the dark stuff seemed to really piss him off.Andy Cohen is ratchet. The End.”
We would have all been robbed of this masterpiece. I particularly love the Baskin Robbins list of 31 flavors of Jax being malicious. I bow in the general direction (west) of the master… madam? of recaps. We’re not worthy.
Lol! Too right, TT.
Haha! That list of links about Jax’s misdeeds!
You could tell Jax was really angry about the shoe lift reveal.
Schwarz is just a lost puppy.
The list is everything. Why am I always amazed by these man children? How does this happen in the wild?
I quit 2 bravo shows this year. I may think about VPRs sometime in the future but I haven’t gotten over my can’t look away curiousity yet. It’s just mind boggling to me that these people function in our world. Maybe they don’t, I don’t know! It’s just so bizarre in every way!
Thank you LadyC, you capture everything so perfectly with your thoughts and words.
Can Sandoval just come out of closet already? I just can’t with him
Yeah how come Ariana and her bisexuality were thrown under the bus but he gets to bask in the facade of hetrosexuality? Not fair.
OMG! Snort laughed out loud thank you!
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Thanks for the great recap! As much as I despise Cohen, I had to watch to see if the King of Misogyny Jax would get any shade thrown at him and Andy delivered! First, the self-described #1 didn’t get first chair so he must have been pissed, then Andy dared to say Jax was similar to James, and over his protests, gave examples. I’m HERE for it! I rewound several times to watch Jax’s face when it was revealed he wears lifts and is afraid of the dark. I can’t even imagine what he said to Brittany when he got home.
Y’alls captions are everything.
Thank you for Jax’s list. I missed a few after he said he was better than James. Taking off some weight doesn’t make you less of a pig.
Late last year I attended an event in Orange County that included quite a few “Bravolebrities.” (My friend was the marketing director who put the whole thing together, so she introduced me to everybody.) The party was the highlight of my year (sad, I know, but my fun party days have been over for quite a few years). The venue was very small so I was in very close quarters with everybody for several hours. These are my impressions:
Tom Schwartz: The sweetest, cutest, friendliest celebrity I’ve ever met in my life. Very outgoing and normal. He seemed happy to mingle with nobodies like me. (No flirting, just being nice.) We chatted several times throughout the evening. Tall and very thin; very handsome; perfect skin.
Sandoval: Looks exactly the same in person as on TV. We were introduced but didn’t have an actual conversation. He was the best “model” of the group; he posed in creative ways on the “red carpet” and with the products in the store.
Jax: We met just briefly but he was nice. He’s better looking in person than on TV. He had lost weight. I was surprised that he was relatively short; definitely shorter than the other guys.
James Kennedy: James was hired to DJ but was stuck in a weird place all by himself. I felt bad that he was all alone, so I hung out near him much of the night and made sure the waiters brought him champagne. (My friends were busy working the party, so I was basically alone too.) He was nice and chatty but I could tell he wished he were someplace else. He said he was not on the outs with the other guys, even though they never came over to hang out with him.
Brandi Glanville: VERY tall and VERY thin. I was not a fan, but she turned out to be very sweet and friendly, so I like her now. (I also met a girlfriend of hers who was also very nice.)
Gina from RHOC: Poor Gina; she is just not as polished as the other OC women; bad outfit and makeup and didn’t know how to pose on the red carpet. BUT she was very normal and friendly. We chatted for awhile. I ended up really liking her (even though I don’t think she fits in well on the show).
Kelly Dodd: Shorter and more petite than she looks on TV. Very pretty. She was friendly and seemed like a normal person.
Tamra Judge: The worst outfit! Shiny black leggings and an electric blue blouse. (This was a fairly dressy champagne and caviar event.) Too much makeup. She didn’t make eye contact with anybody and was the least friendly person. I thought she would be fun and outgoing, but I guess she’s too big for the little people. She was only friendly to the other celebs.
Shannon Beador: I was shocked to see that Shannon was so thin! She looked amazing. As we made eye contact, I told her she looked great and she said thank you and kept walking; I then overheard her say to Tamra, “Everybody is commenting on my weight.” [Eye roll.] Shannon and Tamra were the only “celerities” that kept to themselves the whole night and didn’t mingle with anybody. Very disappointing!
Nick Viall (from the Bachelor): I was introduced to Nick and thought he was just a cute coworker of my friend’s. He was totally nice and normal—and handsome. I didn’t know until the next day that he was one of the Bachelors.
At the end of the night, Schwartz, Jax, and James all kissed my cheek when we said goodbye. They aren’t as douchey as they seem on TV. 🙂
I feel sorry for Brittany. I don’t think he can sustain his facade and reality tv isn’t forever. He is getting old and has no job skills or sustained attention span. You can tell he has zero empathy or true remorse. I think she is in for a quite a shitty haul. Also – the fact he can hold what is a very obvious facade doesn’t mask the fact he is a socio so why stay for a few good behavior points? With Tom Schwartz, I see a nice kid who is kind but very very weak. I don’t think he has the self confidence to be successful in a career without serious help. His wife is awful and will just continue to wear him down. They don’t seem like they are in a position to have a family. I’m not sure how real their investment in Tom Tom is or if they are nothing more than faces.
Great recap!!!! Loved it because you nailed everyone of those VanderDolts on the head, especially Jax. The list of all of his dirty deeds was hilarious!!!!! I just know, too, we are getting Jaxed about his soon to be “marriage” to KFC. Like James says, Jax will make a great first husband, lol!!!!