Tamara and I played a rousing game of Who Hates Andy Cohen More to decide who should cover the Vanderpump Rules fellows on Watch What Happens Live. Somehow (Voodoo, cheating) I lost. It took me a few days to work up the courage to watch but I really shouldn’t have worried. Unlike the united front of the Witches of WeHo Expanded Pack, Andy Cohen’s fantasy twins have never been able to take a side. Case is point: Schwartz defending James in the great SYNT/Girls’ Night In kerfuffle. They’re the Scheana of men (thank god they have penises or everyone would hate them). Even Jax’s trigger temper is somewhat defanged by Engagement glow. Brittany surrounds him with yes-men. He’s been thoroughly prepped by his publicity team. He’s ready to play his role, secure in the delusion we’ve been Jaxed yet again. Watching this facade crack (ever so slightly) provides the only real entertainment of the night.
We get obligatory Vanderpump Rules clips. Everyone cringes at Scheana but no one cares to comment. Sandoval revels in the TomTom montage but all we see is his shirt riding up, exposing the optical illusion of a pot belly. It’s infinitely more interesting than anything being said. Andy calls himself “obsessed” with the Billie/Lala fight like Billie’s pain is an aphrodisiac. Overly excited Schwartz tells a story about screaming at Billie that goes over my head. If anyone followed, please fill us in in comments. Ultimately, the boys take a single stand: no one on the cast is phobic. In a perfect example of my best friend is black, Jax points out they wore angel wings at Pride, for gosh sake. Even the Tom’s have to laugh at him. Because Andy’s not not a misogynist, he watches the boys watch Sandoval get eviscerated by his smarter, prettier girlfriend (get the fuck over it). Idiots, all four of them.
Things get a little interesting when Andy adds James to the mix, albeit vicariously. First, we get a preview of James and Raquel fighting over her participation in Girls’ Night In. Jax is already squirming. His need to prove he’s better than James shifts the facade Brittany demands. Smelling blood in the water, Andy reads an audience question: Jax, why does James bother you so much since you’re the same? Jax rears back in his chair. He’s confused. But, but, but… He’s the good guy now. The hero. Brittany promised. Jax finds his bearings and gets back on script. Oh, he was never malicious like James. He felt bad about what he did and made atonement.
Off the top of my head: cheating on Stassi, topless fight in Vegas, dating Laura-Leigh, ghosting Laura-Leigh, sleeping with Kristen, being a sex addict, inviting 10,000 women to Stassi’s birthday, ambushing Kristen, Jaxing multiple women at once, telling Schwartz’s secrets, cheating on a vacation planned and paid for by his girlfriend, the sugar daddy, telling Sandoval’s secrets, fighting Sandoval, hitting on Lala, denying he hit on Lala, more denying he hit on Lala, stealing sunglasses, #1 Guy, gossipping about Brittany and Kristen, sociopath test, everything at the roast, ambushing James, cheating on Brittany, complaining about Brittany on a post-coital tape, freaking out at SUR, emotionally cheating with his Reiki instructor, asking the dog to move to Florida but not Brittany, and bragging about sleeping with Brittany hours before dumping her. I’m sure I missed a few but you can fill in the blanks.
They round things out with Dirty Little SURcrets, wherein the men answer questions about their lady loves. What makes this game fresh and exciting is Andy’s stash of secrets from Katie, Ariana and Brittany’s recent visit. He can’t wait to embarrass and shame his guests if they answer wrong. Sandoval knows Ariana’s in-depth answer to who she would save on a sinking ship. I imagine they play this game at home a lot. Schwartz doesn’t know his wife at all so we find out he cries when hungover and loves really, really long baths. Jax thinks Brittany’s freak number is an 8 when it’s clearly a 9 so we learn he wears Tom Cruise heel inserts. Jax is pissed. This night isn’t going the way he expected. To gain back some of his machismo, Jax says Lala’s PJ is the craziest place he and Brit ever made whoopie. The Kentucky Muffin is equally douchie. Her answer is a 145 foot yacht. It’s make me kind of sad that Lala is sucking dick so these idiots can pretend they’re high society.
I’m happy to say I made it through the 30-minute episode mostly unscathed. My Mazel goes to the poor Puppy Bowl Ref. After every commercial break, he’d bring out a new puppy, available for adoption at Vanderpump Dogs. Maybe Andy’s still hungover from his baby shower. Maybe the rumors are true. But no matter what the Ref did or said (or how alike the puppies looked), Andy refused to acknowledge they were from the same litter. In penance for giving this fool any of our attention, I challenge all of you to watch the Puppy Bowl, Sunday February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet. Come for the puppies, stay for the kangaroo!