Top Chef: Music City USA

Don’t start without me! I am here and very excited we are going to Nashville! It’s been a super busy day at Tamara Tattles and I had to get some adulting done in the real world to keep all my pie plates in the air. I also have to stop these recaps a lot to look up fancy pants cooking terms or weird ingredients but since we are in Nashville, that shouldn’t be a problem. If they stick to the local culture. Hopefully  you found a ton of other things to read here today while I’m savoring every moment of this show.

After the houseboat challenge that was a disaster for one team, sending Brian home, and a huge success for Kelsey who led her first win to victory, the chefs are back on dry land. In between the airing of these two episodes, in case you missed the sad news, beloved Top Chef Season 15 contestant, Fatima Ali passed away.

It’s time to head to the Grand Ole Opry 153 miles away. I don’t think I have ever been there. This show is making me want to go to Kentucky. Adrienne is still sick as a dog and the long car ride may do her in. 

The Quickfire is to make a meal for an up and coming country start based on their rider (preference list) they give to the venue. Adrienne is barely pushing though. Hunter Hayes is the up and coming country star. I’ve heard of him and I don’t listen to much current music, country or otherwise.

Why am I having to Google Kelsey from Alafuckingbama’s breakfast dish? Because it is Israeli, that’s why! WTF? She’s making Shakshuka  which according to the Interwebs is “Shakshouka is a dish of eggs poached in a sauce of tomatoes, chili peppers, and onions, commonly spiced with cumin, paprika, cayenne pepper, and nutmeg.” Well that sounds delicious and I am not a huge fan of eggs. So carry on Bama girl. David has a nice looking omelette with side salad. Eric made oatmeal. Really, Eric? So those were the three breakfasts. 

The lunches included Sara’s Cauliflower salad with radishes, blueberries and blackberries. Sara, honey, you are from Kentucky and you are serving a country music guy rabbit food for lunch? It’s not even a pretty plate!  Hunter says, “There is always somebody on the team trying some new diet.” Another EPIC FAIL from Sara. What is this girl thinking? Eddie also made a salad but at least there was “a little bit” of chicken and proscuitto. Did the rider say we only eat lettuce? What is wrong with these people? Michelle made a grilled cheese salad with bites of grilled cheese sandwiches and some cucumber and parsley with some sort of buttermilk vinaigrette. Y’all I have been on a diet healthy eating plan with no alcohol or sugar for nearly two weeks now as sort of early Lent that might roll right in to the end of June. I have been so busy all day that all I have eaten so far is a small baby Yo yogurt and a protein shake. After I get a chance to catch my breath, I’m going to have a salad with sliced Waygu steak over spinach, tomatoes, onions, celery, three colors of peppers, sunflower seeds, and whatever else is in there with a walnut vinaigrette and some chopped walnuts. I would put my salad up against any of these ridiculous lunches any day. Then Hunter says that lunch is typically the only meal that he has time to eat. Well if these guys were feeding you, you would starve to damn death!

Let’s see if the dinners are any better. Both chefs used red meat because that is what he asked for. He was thrilled and said he never gets what he asked for. See? He would have loved my salad! Justin made a SALAD but at least it had sliced skirt steak on top. And there were mushrooms (no thank you) and potatoes in the salad.  Potatoes. In. A. Salad. Perhaps my hunger has me hallucinating this entire episode. Adrienne who is barely functioning made, seared filet mignon with Cajun corn (nod to the south) roasted pepper purée and a fennel salad. Thank you for giving him FOOD, Adrienne.

I think it’s between Kelsey and Adrienne for the win with David’s omelette a close third and everything else should all lose.

The bottom three were David he didn’t care for the sauce. Eddie, who I thought had the best of the worst lunches, but Hunter said “everything sat in the same flavor profile. And Kelsey???? KELSEY??? He said he is really cautious about acidic things. WTF does that even mean?  Two of his bottom three were in my top two. Clearly, he is an idiot. 🙂

The top three…Okay, he’s lost his mind. Eric’s oatmeal was in the top? THE OATMEAL? Sara’s cauliflower and berries? Did she even cook anything? At least he acknowledged Adrienne’s steak. Adrienne won for the first time.

The elimination challenge is to create a dish inspired by a music memory in their life. So essentially they can make whatever the hell they want and come up with a song that sort of matches it. Adrienne gets an extra hour to cook. The have two hours to prep and two hours to cook the next day.  Adrienne gets an extra hour of cook time. They are cooking for the lead singer of Kings of Leon, Caleb Followill and his wife Lily Aldridge, Chef Jonathan Waxman and some guy in charge of a festival or something.

David‘s song is the album Morning View by Incubus that reminds him of working at a beach restaurant in Portugal. He’s making grilled octopus. Or not. The octopus was frozen so he went with clams. He’s Portuguese so his dish should be really good. He is highly stressed in the kitchen. It’s cramped. The towels are too big. He is melting down. Come on David, you’ve got this! When it comes time to cook he is making a grilled pork loin with a clam salad topping. Not a lettuce salad. I don’t even know why he is calling is a salad. These people just adore fucking salad.

The diners’s thoughts: It was too salty. The texture was bad. The mushrooms are soggy and look like prunes. A guy says the older guys at the table know what he is talking about. EW. See? This why I don’t eat mushrooms. David is in trouble.

Eddie‘s song is Love You Madly by Cake. Eddie is married and it is “their song” so he is making whatever the hell he wants the first meal he ever cooked for her. He’s making red snapper and puffed rice. Puffed rice, like the cereal boxes of healthy Rice Krispies he is staring at. Why? What the hell is he going to do with cereal in a fish dish? I love seafood. A lot of them seem to be doing seafood in a landlocked state though.

The diners’s thoughts: Tom agrees with me about the absurdity of the puffed rice on top of fish. Negative views all around. You in DANGER, Gurl!

Kelsey is doing chicken pot pie. YAS GURL! Finally something I would kill to eat right now. It is her husband’s favorite meal what he would choose as his last meal on death row. Their song is Sunday Kind Of Love by Etta James. At service Adrienne helps plate. She did not make chicken pot pie she lied to me. It’s sort of deconstructed thing. Where is my pie crust and gushy gravy, Kelsey? Do you have yankees in your family? What is wrong with you? What did they teach you at that there fancy culinary school? Don’t ever call this chicken pot pie again!  It’s chicken pieces lying there like nekkid chicken nuggets with parsley and crap and a spoon fool of runny gravy. Raise your hand if you are personally offended by this farce?

The diners’s thoughts: It’s too salty. Graham says there is literally a rim of salt on his plate like a margarita glass. Too salty?!!! That is your complaint? It’s a pot pie with no pie and no pot! SO IT IS NOT A POT PIE AT ALL! It’s salty chicken and parsley on a goddamn plate! Kelsey would be  making my blood boil if I wasn’t so emaciated from hunger that my body doesn’t have the fuel to boil my blood.

Sara‘s song is Hank Williams Jambalaya, so she is making jambalaya. Oh wait, she is not she is making a play on gumbo. It’s the “play on” part that scares me. Don’t fuck up the gumbo, Sara. Just make gumbo, or I dunno JAMBALAYA? It’s really hard to fuck up gumbo so I have high hopes for this. WHAT THE FUCK. Where is the gumbo? He description of the dish on the chryon is grouper with braised greens. THERE ARE NO GREENS IN GUMBO? Where the fuck is the okra? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE TONIGHT? (please mentally insert hand clap emojis hers) What the hell is pumpkin seed pesto and why is it on this dish? There is no filé? What the hell is sassafras bone sauce? Y’all are making me want to drink!

The diners’s thoughts: Graham says it is the best food they have seen from Sara. The sauce is the star. How the hell is this going to be in the top. Really how is anything going to be in the top? He thinks the sauce is the essence of jambalaya. For the love of God. I feel like I am being punked.

Eric‘s song is The Notorious B.I,G, song Big Poppa where Biggie raps about T-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape.  He’s making a fancy rib eye dish with a concord grape jus.  Eric is worried about his jus. At service, Eric was behind and David helped him plate. That usually means both will be in the top and Eric will win. 

The diners’s thoughts: One lady says the cheese sauce is delicious before he even leaves the room. That’s a good sign. The guests love it but Tom says the steak is over cooked and most seem to agree. Too bad.

Justin’s song is Purple Rain. He’s making a steak with purple cabbage and purple gnocchi. At service, Eric only has eight dishes and he needed nine. He dropped a plate! Dammit, man! The wife of the Kings of Leon lead singer says, “We’re married, we’ll share!” Padma says that means he cannot win.

The diners’s thoughts: They loved the dish. That is too bad.

Michelle was named after The Beatles song and listened to a lot of Beatles music as a child so she is doing a red snapper with dish and her song is Strawberry Fields. Michelle cries at the table and talks about her father’s suicide and their memories in the garden.  Oh for fucksake.

The diners’s thoughts: Tom said it was the best dish of the season. It did look tasty but I would have docked her for crying.

Adrienne is so smart, she picked a song called Home by The Magnetic Zeros. So she is making, a vegetable dish. Apparently it is a Maine thing. She made fruit de mer with summer vegetables and a corn nage. She was the last one out to the judges and the first dish that makes me want to jump through the screen and eat it. She’s my winner and everyone else sucks except for Michelle. I love shrimp, salad, and creamed corn.

The diners’s thoughts: Of course they hate it. Or at least Waxman hates the nage because it is too heavy and he wanted it to be ethereal. Shut it Waxman. Caleb Followill says if she was going to serve a nage the song should have been By Nikki Minaj. Yuk, yuk, yukkity, yuk say the dumb people.

I’d probably make my mama’s lasagna and make the song something like Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I Got Love In My Tummy. Or make something else and use the same song. What would you do?

Judges Table: It is almost eleven pm and I am so hangry I can’t stand it. let’s just get this over with.

Top three: Justin, Michelle and Sara so even though Justin was disqualified he’s in the top three. That must be a crushing blow. Justin gets an umami from Waxman. #eyeroll Michelle won. Sara’s creole dish with no filé was not a creole dish, the nod to filé with the sassafras bone sauce does not make it creole or anything like a gumbo!!!

Bottom three: Eddie and his puffed rice and butter poached fish, David‘s pork with clams dish was texturally unpleasant. Kelsey’s chicken dish was just stupid. And it is not your first time in the bottom Kelsey. You were just in the bottom earlier in this very episode. Pull yourself together!

I like all three of these people but I wouldn’t care if they sent all three of them home. I’m disgusted. Oh, I hate that David was sent packing. I had such high hopes for his dish. I think there were many worse dishes.

Sorry about the ranty old lady post that took forever. I am starving to death and am about to go fix dinner. I’m having fucking salad. But I make really good salads.