You know I’m under the weather when my Vanderpump Rules recap is late. I have an unhealthy obsession with the SUR crowd that requires constant input. Maybe there’s a part of me that wishes I could live in my twenties, forever. Maybe life would be easier if I had zero self-awareness or empathy. There could be a certain freedom in not following societal rules and mores. Since I’m unable to treat the world like it’s my own personal fingerbowl, I rely on the VPR kids to show me what could have been, had I been born with no conscience.
Stassi throws a party for a holiday she purchased as a tie-in for the book she’s writing. Hey, National Outfit Of The Day day isn’t any more ridiculous than Sexy Unique Restaurant restaurant. Basic is smarter than you think. The Witches use a purported self-empowerment event to bully Lala into submission. Her kindness towards James is used as a cudgel to beat the demons out of her head. She quickly agrees to ditch studio time in favor of group navel-gazing. Sending Tom Sandoval (and his sad swan trumpet) in her place is the basest cruelty. Brittany is fighting her own battles. She has enough brain cells left to recognize something went wrong at the staff meeting. She just doesn’t know what is was. After Jax gives LVP an aggressive nonpology, she tries to smooth things over. You and Jax have such a funny
dynamic thing, ha ha. But the aw shucks routine has lost its charm. LVP holds her to task and Brittany finally realizes Jax’s bad acts make her look bad. That has to be a huge pill to swallow.
After the party, the Witches retreat to Casa Maloney-Schwartz. Jax and Brittany trap them in a corner, the unwitting audience to a revolving cycle of fiancé/fiancée freakouts. It’s the Bridezilla circle of Dante’s Inferno, english subtitles optional. Brittany is like a spoiled child at Toys ‘R Us. She screams, she stomps her foot. She wants her Perfect Princess Engagement and she wants it now. The incoherent ranting, the persecution complex, the dilated pupils, certainly could be chemically induced but we have no reason to assume so.
After our appetizers and salad, bit player Billie Lee is offered as the episode entrée. Billie spent her first season laying groundwork for a starring role. She gave us much needed LGBTQIA representation but wasn’t scared to skirt controversy. She made sure she was in frame during Any. And. All. group drama. She even tried to follow the most important rule of casting: sleep with a cast member (well, in her case, cast member adjacent). She wants to spill a drink in slo-mo so bad. So why can’t VPR make Billie a thing? The easy answer: she does everything right, incredibly wrong.
Billie is an actress on reality TV. After weighing her season 7 options, she made the conscious decision to ride the James train. A smaller pond can bring bigger rewards (yes!), until you find yourself on a sinking ship. Strike one. Lisa Vanderpump appreciates Billie’s pluck, her drive. She gives her Brunch With Billie, a branding bonanza as yet unseen on VPR (go, Billie!). Billie invites the recently fired James Kennedy (awkward) and gets aggressive with patrons/known troublemakers Katie and Kristen. Strike two.
Katie wants to prove firing James was a good business decision. She takes his time slot and turns it into Girls’ Night In. All of your favorite VPR ladies, dressed in their finest silk. A sparkle bar. A not-James-Kennedy DJ. It’s a big, sexy slumber party, Girl Power. Zig-a-zig ah. But not everyone’s feeling the love. Billie is furious to be left out of the gig. She’s ready to be a cast member, with all the perks and exposure that comes along. Katie might as well have rifled through her purse for loose change. If only she had played the girl card, built bridges, joined the coven. She could have made them all look better for loving her. But when a childhood demon raises it’s nasty head, sometimes even the strongest of us stumble.
After a lifetime of being excluded from female activities, Billie recognizes this pain. It’s sharp, engulfing. She takes her battle to social media, looking for war. Transphobic. Hate. The Witches don’t back down. They don’t hate her for being trans (something she can’t help), they hate her for being Team James (something she can). If they were even slightly interested in female inclusion, they would have hired a woman DJ. Billie in so entrenched in her past trauma, she lashes out like a hurt animal. She wants to shame them, make them feel as bad as she does. Her delusions and baseless accusations are only rivaled by the Witches mocking their cis-privilege. I’m disgusted with all of them. Lala is permanently canceled. Strike eleventy-billion.
These days, no storyline is complete without an ultimatum to Lisa. The day after Girls’ Night In, Billie makes her impassioned “She can put down the food” speech to a horrified LVP. Ugh.
Next week: “You’re not fucking better than me, Lala!” Roller costume birthday party. Sandoval tells tales out of school about Ariana’s shy vagina. Tom and Tom finally get their TomTom reveal.