It been raining in Atlanta since around June 2018. I just want to sleep and snuggle under blankets. I started doing set up for this show and I suddenly became super excited for the episode. I was watching something on TV and during the last two minutes before I was ready to flip over to DVR and get started the power went out. Now I have to wait for everything to reset. I guess I better go get my lantern just in case. With all this rain trees are falling everywhere. Did I mention I live in a tar paper shack surrounded by trees planted in the 1950s? Let’s try not to think about that.
I really should not be complaining about my situation because poor Clint has been waiting at the altar for his prison soulmate for hours with no sign of her. I still think having to reset all the damn clocks in the house is pretty traumatic.
Britanny & Marcelino
In Vegas, Britanny has been out for eight days and unbeknownst to Marcelino, she has already had contact with two of her former female prison girlfriends. They are still in the motel because Marcelino’s apartment doesn’t allow felons so Marcelino arrives on the patio with breakfast for his true love.
Today they are going to see Britanny’s three-year-old son who lives with his father. She has not seen him since he was one year old. Did I mention this is day eight? I guess the girlfriends were more important. Marcelino is worried about being a stepfather because his stepfather was horrible. He father was awful as well. He has no role model to be a father. He is worried about screwing the kid up.
Megan Michael & Sarah
We start with Michael and his wife Sarah and his girlfriend Megan. Michael has his wife pick him up from prison and has spent the last two weeks with her and his daughter while his girlfriend Megan wonders why he has been out of prison for two weeks and she still has not seen him. She is flying in to Buffalo, New York to meet Michael for his big surprise. She is hoping for an engagement ring. We meet Megan’s father and he is not happy. He looks like a man who does not play.
The good news is that Michael is shopping for an engagement ring. The bad news is that he shopping with Sarah. Megan calls during the ring shopping and Michael sends her to voicemail.
Megan arrives to find a driver waiting for her. Who paid for that? Megan or production? Meanwhile, Sarah is driving Michael home from the ring shopping excursion begging him for a $2,000 ring. Is she on crack? This boy doesn’t have two dollars? Michael needs to start a fight so he can leave and get to Megan. Being player seems very complicated.
Megan’s driver is taking her to Niagra Falls where apparently they are staying together. Apparently, the car that Michael and Sarah are in belongs to Michael. So he takes the car and heads to Niagra Falls to be with his queen.
Caitlin & Matt
The two lovebirds are enjoying their new home. It comes with a cook and a laundress and a maid. Matt’s mother talks to use while doing their laundry and Matt gets drunk in the backyard and Caitlin wonders where he is. Could you imagine folding your thirty-something year old son’s girlfriend’s bras and underwear? Day five and the honeymoon is over. Matt is having a six pack for breakfast. Hopefully, Caitlin is apparently waiting for Matt’s mom to make breakfast. Caitlin wants Matt to take her out to dinner. I suppose Matt’s mom would have to pay for that. Matt is quite content until anyone suggests he do something productive.
Matt is enjoying being outside so he tries to find ways to look like he is working in the yard. Like breaking all the yard tools and cussing a lot. After five minutes of that, they get dressed up to go out to dinner. Matt is perplexed by the Uber. Matt has borrowed money from his mother. Why do these prisoners feel the need to tell everyone they just got out of prison? Caitlin has to teach Matt how to use silverware and napkins. Caitlin asks if Matt has any outstanding charges she doesn’t know about. He says, “You never know.”Matt says he loves committing crimes because he is an adrenaline junkie and it makes him feel superior. The bill is $133 and he isn’t going to pay it. He wants to dine and ditch. Caitlin refuses. Matt tries to drag her out with him. This of course causes quite the scene. Then Matt says he was just kidding. He’s not going to go back to prison over food and they go back to the table. He puts his mother’s credit card on the bill. Caitlin is suddenly concerned that she married a criminal.
Tracie & Clint
I wasn’t expecting this marriage take place as St. Mark’s Cathedral, but did we know they are getting married in some sort of honkey tonk bar with a whole bunch of drunk witnesses? That is if she shows up. She is already four hours late. I was certain she had taken off but since the venue is a bar, perhaps there is some hope for ole Clint. Clint still believes she is coming because she got her name tattooed on her arm. Why would she run from such a gesture of true love? Will he eventually be the next Jax Taylor or Dennis the hot dog mogul?
It’s Clint’s lucky day! True love prevails and Tracie waddles in a mere five hours late wearing a purple glittery dress worthy of the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion. There is no time for an explanation this pastor wants to get this shit show on the road. I’m sure he needs a drink or six about now. Clint is so happy he is probably peeing himself. Tracie commits to her role. Clint reads his mushy vows from his iPhone, as kids today apparently do. It is long and full of promise. Tracie was apparently unable to add an iPhone to Clint’s credit card just yet so her vows are on paper. Her vows are literate and she seems fairly sober. Que the dramatic kiss, and the crowd goes wild. Now she has the fancy diamond ring. It doesn’t fit.
Clint could stop talking about how happy he is to be married and how he can’t wait to get home and have sex with her. He also wants to be buried next to her. She says they would be having sex whether it was their wedding night or not and he says it would be a crime not to have sex on their wedding night, and she can’t be committing no more crimes. A dark look appears on her face and she says, “I need a drink.”
They had a call time the day after their wedding and when production arrived they found Clint crying and empty shot glasses and high heels strewn everywhere. Tracie has bailed. The producer offers to let Clint use his phone to call his mother. Apparently, Tracie has a phone now, and probably all of his credit and debit cards. It appears she got herself some crack on her five-hour excursion. When Clint found out about he took off on foot at five and a.m. and when he got back she had stolen his phone, his wallet, and his car. Clint says he still wants to be with her. He is worried about Tracie. His mom suggests an annulment but he is not having it.
Next week: Mike goes off the rails. I guess mom didn’t get her credit card back.