When Tamara told me Andy Cohen had all the mean girls of Vanderpump Rules on #WWHL, I knew I had to tune back in. For the past few years, my life has been mostly Watch What Happens Live-free. I’m not a fan of softball questions or misogyny so I just don’t watch. Occasionally, drag queen bartenders or particularly spectacular guests grab my attention but I usually regret it. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results. Let’s just say my expectations are low.
Andy opens the show, “If you don’t like this clique, then you can suck a dick.” Why is he so desperate to be cool? Who hurt you, Andy? Seriously. And just when I think things can’t get any more stupider, he announces “She” is the drinking word. What is this show? How did I let myself get caught up in this again? We move on to a recap of Scheana’s Bachelor life. It was annoying the first time around, I don’t need to see it again. 89% of viewers (or a Bravo intern) think Scheana wouldn’t get a final rose. She giggles and poses. She’s really matured in the past few months. She doesn’t even know who that woman is anymore. Or so I assume from her trademark head tilt.
The rest of the show is clip packages, viewer questions, and games. I’m too distracted by Stassi’s new face to focus on a second viewing of her birthday meltdown. Is that from the Kybella? Ooh, Stassi, step away from the needle. It’s not your friend. The camera pans each girl’s face during the Dayna clip. They want to milk every ounce of cringe they can. Most of the cast obliges except Katie, who busts out laughing. Because, evil.
For the first time in #WWHL herstory, the viewer questions are actually pretty good. Someone asks Lala how she justifies the summer body comment given her treatment of James. She starts out belligerent. That happened years ago (Andy points out it’s only been two) and she’s over it. Just as I’m about to write her off for good, that tiny piece of humanity she keeps locked up in her right toe pokes its head out. She explains that when she apologizes, it means she won’t repeat the behavior. I’m shocked and stunned. She’s absolutely right and I wish we’d see this side of Gangsta Kitty more often.
The rest of the questions are answered by the Hive. With the acquisition of Ariana and Lala, the coven is complete. They think with one brain. They speak with one brain. They are stronger together and they know it. When a viewer asks why they ganged up on Raquel (since most of them have stayed with men who cheated), their Stepford voice rings loud. They didn’t bully her. They were trying to help her. Will Katie take ever accountablility for slutshaming Lala? She has. Move on. How does Carter feel about Kristen’s obsession with James? She’s a social justice warrior, not a nut job. If Carter ever opened his mouth, he’d agree. The witches think their prepared statements and canned humor blinds us to their machinations. Sorry, ladies. We see you.
The games are as stupid as ever. In First Come, First SUR-ved, they’re asked to fantasize opening a bar with Lisa Vanderpump. Stassi nominates Scheana the girl most likely flirt with guests. Katie thinks Kristen would be the Schwartz who annoys LVP during planning. Scheana says Stassi would have a drunk fight with Beau. Kristen wants to say Brittany would invite someone she shouldn’t but she can’t (I’M ENGAGED) so she names Scheana. Ariana gets around the Brittany embargo by saying she’d get too drunk to remember, “but not in a bad way.” Andy asks Brittany who would demand people do body shots off of her and Brittany names herself. I imagine it’s takes a lot of pasta and alcohol to live with her decisions.
Rate That Tantrum is pretty self-explantory. Kristen punching James at Scheana’s wedding – 35 points. Ariana freaking out at Sandoval after tapegate – 33 points. Scheana playing victim at Pandy’s spa party – 29 points. Stassi backhanding Kristen – 25 points. Lala at the lake – 21 points. Schwartz’s dick doesn’t work – 20 points. This changes everything, you piece of shit – 19 points. I disagree with the outcome and the survey practices. I think we can do better.
Andy’s mazel goes Anna Faris for offering to officiate Chris Pratt’s wedding. He suggests Stassi do the same for Brit and Jax. Brittany laughs, secure in the knowledge she already has the perfect anti-LGBT preacher on lockdown. I miss the jackhole because I’m in the middle of a monsoon but that’s fine with me. I’m ready to put this experience behind me and take a Silkwood shower. How is this show still on the air?