Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club: What Are Your Intentions?

It is with great hope of a glimmering of crazy Lindsay, that I continue to recap this show. The participants are busy doing press lately where they are upset they are being called a knockoff of Vanderpump Rules. The guys are very vocal about their opinion they are miles above Pump Rules because they are in Mykonos at a beach resort as “ambassadors” Not just SURvers at a restaurant. Then the girls profess their undying love for LVP and all of the guys and girls start discussing Pump Rules storylines. Brent trashes Jax and all the rest say Brent is the Jax of Mykonos.

Side note: The house next door very close to mine is being renovated very quickly. This means there are 30 guys banging hammers and sawing stuff from sunup to half an hour after sundown. These are my sleeping hours. Right now I have a workers in my yard and there is a kid literally leaning on my house to blow leaves from behind my hedges. Banjo is losing his mind. I’ve been awake (sorta not really) for about two hours after catching a few cat naps. These are my current excuses for the expected incoherence of this recap in advance. I need sleep. 

The “ambassadors” didn’t fare so well on their first official day so Lindsay is having them write their intentions down on paper and read them to the group. MTV is apparently trying to save money on chyrons so there are no names during the confessionals and I have not learned them yet. Last night recapping Below Deck I could not remember Josiah’s name from paragraph to paragraph. I kept wanting to call him Alistair. I have no idea why. Moving on… Lindsay is basically trying to run a mini group therapy session. She says she calls Oprah whenever she needs advice. I just email my Lady Sitter. Who do you rely on for advice?

This weeks problem client (do you see the pattern here?) Lakis, a way over the top designer. I mean way over the top designer. Imagine the Greek version of André Leon Talley times ten. Aristotle, who just admitted in group that he has social anxiety is assigned to him.  Then Panos assigns Brent to help him out. The guys all hate Brent, especially Aristotle so this will make for good TV. Brent says he needs to work the door because he can “sell the whole place out.” Panos reminds him he is not a manager.

When Aristotle and Brent go to greet Lakis, he immediately asks for hot towels to wash his feet. Then the guy starts doing weird couples yoga moves with Aristotle. I really can’t describe it. Brent mocks Aristotle for washing Lakis’s feet. Brent storms off and refuses to work with Brent anymore and Lindsay and Panos both see it. Aristole makes Panos aware that Brent has gone AOL.

Panos has an excellent sunglasses game.

FInally! Lindsay tries to steal another baby! Well sort of she sees a guy with a baby and loses her mind and asks to hold it. Dude, never let Lindsay Lohan hold your baby!

Back at the villa, Billy tries to warn Sarah about Brent. Sarah takes it as Billy trying to move in on her rather than just trying to look out for her. I began the season liking Sarah the best, but she really does make poor decisions when it comes to guys. I love the SMEG refrigerator at the villa.

After one beer during Truth or Dare, Aristotle did a naked lap around the pool. That alone was worth the price of admission. (Pauses for GLH to say, “But we weren’t there!) Sarah is asked, as her Truth, which of the girls she likes the least. She says that at the moment she is going through some things with May. Sarah is a bit bossy just like Brent. No wonder they get along. Brent jumps on May insinuating that she is the weakest link. Aristotle dares Brent to go the whole day tomorrow without being an asshole to any of them.

Sidenote: Why are men so enamored with leaf blowers. I swear they will blow leaves until the sun goes down.

Billy is interested in Sarah. He lets her know and she is on the fence. Brent tries to interrupt their conversation and Billy sends him away. It was like Sarah was the Bachelorette and Brent was that bitch that bitch that keeps trying to steal her away. Sarah goes to talk to the girls.

Jules goes running straight to Brent will all the tea and seemed shocked by his assholish reaction. Brent grabs Billy and says he can have Sarah because he is not going to compete for her. While the girls secretly listen, Brent says all the girls here are ugly. He is in a house with a bunch of “twos” and Billy is a “five. It’s a long misogynistic rant that I don’t care to recap word for word. He compass the girls to the movie Hallpass implying that Sarah is only pretty because she is surrounded by ugly girls. He doubles down on this explanation in confessional. He seems to think he is really smart to have come up with this analogy. He’s a douche. Jules confronts Brent and he tries to deny the whole two thing. Then he tells Jules that he doesn’t like blondes. She’s blonde. Then he says if Sarah was in Vegas he would not look twice at her unless maybe she was seven pounds lighter. He is infuriated that she has options and it is her decision. Sarah is alone in a corner listening to all of this. Sarah is obviously hurt.

Sarah walks out of the house and dumps a bottle of tequila on his head. She wasted perfectly good tequila. She should have just clubbed him with the full bottle. One of the other girls, I think it was Jonitta, threw a drink directly in his face. All the girls celebrate in the house. The girls are finally bonding!

Brent is getting wasted because he was about to be rejected by the girl he was interested in. This dude needs to be fired and sent home to his mommy. He’s a manchild. Then he passes out on the floor. Billy is the only guy who tries to help him out.

The next morning they have a staff meeting. Panos praises Aristotle for his work with Lakis and then tells Brent he dropped the ball. Panos tells Brent he needs to be a team player. Brent has a confessional where he calls Panos a little bitch who likes to call people out. Does Brent not have a boss at his real job? Will he ever get another job after this? Brent even goes to Panos one on one and screams at him. Panos dismisses him.

Panos calls Lindsay. Brent’s job hangs in the balance. He would have been fired on the spot in the real world. But this is reality TV. Lindsay is at some undisclosed location. We are led to believe she is at her villa in Mykonos but I wonder if she was actually even there for all of filming. She is literally dialing it in, literally, in several scenes. She has told Panos several times to let her know who needs to be fired. He is trying to do that now, and she tells him that they are all disposable. She blathers on about her brand and how they must be devoted to her vision and not theirs. Then she abruptly says she doesn’t have time for this and hangs up. If she is so

Lindsay mentions Oprah A LOT on these episodes.