Sometimes Vanderpump Rules is nothing more than a series of vignettes, a way to reposition the cast for future storytelling. Thanks to Stassi Schroeder’s mother, tonight’s chess board shuffle comes with a side of Lymopause. Dayna’s IMDB page proudly lists 11 episodes of Vanderpump Rules. She has a thriving Etsy store that trades entirely on her daughter’s name. She’s the fun mom of Vanderpump Rules. You thought James’ mother explained a lot? Just you wait…
But first, we have to deal with fallout from Stassi’s Fucking Birthday. Her rage-a-thon continued past the footage shown last week. There was a public confrontation. A classic Stassi meltdown. A humiliated Beau. The next morning, hungover and makeup-free, they meet to regroup and recover. Folks who follow Instagram claim Beau is amazing but I have reservations. I’ve heard too many glowing recommendations of Patrick (and even Jax) to take anyone’s word for it. Stassi has a broken picker and I won’t pretend otherwise. But the way they support each other without enabling, and the way he looks at her, touches my cold, black heart. Uh oh, someone has a crush on Stassi’s boyfriend. Expect biased critiques from here on out.
Since no one will film with James, he brings in a ringer for a reshoot. It’s ice cream and advice, redux. Across town, the rest of the cast gets another opportunity to roast him in absentia, this time under the guise of a SUR staff meeting. Lisa is known as a bit of a cold fish so it’s interesting she holds a feelings summit anytime drama occurs in the workplace. Jax is clearly the #1 guy in the meeting. He’s amped, disrespectful. He’s barely employed at SUR but he has the most to say. Brittany makes sure we know Jax isn’t the only idiot in the family. She wants a bigger role in the James saga. What part of “I’m Engaged” don’t they understand? Hey, remember when a stranger put gum in Brittany’s hair in a scuffle over a 1st class bathroom? Yeah, me too. Before we’re able to shoot this miserable public forum in the head and move on, Billie gives the mean girls a new target by blaming Kristen for James’ problems. Lala vociferously disagrees and we’re graced with our first, “You’re not better than me, Lala.”
TomTom is still a construction site but plans move forward. The Daily Mail has scheduled their yearly party at the newest Vanderpump institution. Ken slips up and mentions it’s a paid gig. I wonder how much longer he’ll be allowed off-leash. Sandoval is dead set on reclaiming his cocktail list from Pandy Pumpy Todd. He serves 25 of his finest craft cocktails, ironically named and diligently photographed. LVP selects three to serve at the Daily Mail party. Unfortunately, they never make it onto the TomTom menu.
Scheana lives a world of her own, projecting a story carefully crafted and cast. You’d think she’d come up with something more interesting than a sexless love triangle. Soap opera acting and greasy hair do not a storyline make.
The james.mae relaunch party is the last full cast event. Everyone except Scheana wears one of Kristen’s ridiculous tees. Brittany, still smarting from Katie’s gentle questioning at the rage room, whispers poison thoughts in Jax’s ear. He’s her attack dog, happy to fly into a mind-numbing rage at the drop of a hat. Who is against the bride will die! Tom Schwartz makes sure there are plenty of people around when he tells his wife James is DJing the first ever TomTom party. But the real star of the party is Dayna, Mother of Mother of Dragons. Beau (still in the throes of PTSD from a game of mommy grab ass the night before) finds himself trapped in a haze of vodka, bad decisions, and funky jewelry. Dayna covers all the cringe bases. Unsteady. Inappropriate. Desperate. She brings up grandchildren and negs her own daughter. She wants to make sure Beau knows what he’s in for. I hope Stassi has a really good therapist.
In the name of her father, Lala decides to talk to James one last time. She comes in strong, lips pursed, brow knit as much as possible. James leans on his favorite crutches: tears, blaming alcohol, blaming Kristen, more tears. When Lala demands he fix his mistakes, James cracks. He begs for time to work on himself, to make himself a better person, before cleaning up his messes. Lala shows a compassion we haven’t seen this season and agrees to support him as he heals.
The Witches of WeHo go out to dinner with their moms. There has been significant pre-gaming so Kristen carries Dayna into the restaurant. Mother Schroeder has an interesting dynamic with her daughter. She’s uncomfortably demonstrative, nuzzling Stassi’s ear like a lover. She makes a huge fuss over Kristen, encouraging a face-off for her affection. She whines about losing sleep worrying that Stassi will botch things with Jax/Frank/Patrick/Beau/Insert-Name-Here. And her ovaries are being absorbed by her body. It’s a lot, y’all. Stassi, an old pro at this game, ignores her mother’s machinations. Running away from the table is the the last act of a
desperate man narcissistic mom.
Next week: Fake orgasms, Tom’s trumpet, a Bridezilla breakdown, and Billiegate.