I “planned” to recap this episode but I didn’t PLAN to recap this so it’s taking me a bit to get things together. I am late to the party and only recapped it once previously so lots of the things bloggers do behind the scenes are not in place. And I don’t recall the back story too much and I forgot about photos and a few dozen other things. Nevertheless, I shall persist. So please excuse my stupidity. I mean more than usual because I’m not well versed in this show. Also once the holidays are over I may or may not have time to recap it. But since it comes on Fridays, I’m probably good.
Matt & Caitlin
These two are finally together. Just 22 minutes ago Caitlin picked up her dream man Matt, a multiple felon with missing teeth at 28 years old. SCORE! Before they go home to live with his mother, she is taking him out into the woods to fuck his brains out. He tells us if he goes back to prison he will thrive there. Because you know… um he’s already thinking about recidivism. She at least needs some pay off for the money she put on his books. The girl is owed some dick. Matt just wants some decent soap. Never fear, Matt, Caitlin is going to lather you up. Matt can’t wait for sex so they commit their first crime together having semi-public sex on the way to the cabin. I mean everyone does that, right? Is it just me? Matt tells us that “he did good”and “she did alright.” Dude, when you are filmed fucking a girl thirty minutes out of prison, who just lost her family to come screw you, you could give her a better review. This does not bode well for this love story. Caitlin on the other had says it was the best sex she ever had, because it is a different kind of sex. Yep, the kind where you are the only available hole. She thinks the sex was great because he is her soulmate. If my soulmate was a felon, I’d do without. Though the guy from the golf course, became a felon later. I did visit him once and I have no information but I feel certain he’s dead now. I’m just saying. If you have to be stupid, do it in your early 20s and flee.
After sex, Caitlin doesn’t want to have a baby and live with his mother. Imagine that! He better get out on the road and provide for her! Still she thinks she is pregnant right away. That would be horrible. Matt wants to get married right away. Caitlin wants a streak of crime free behavior. He proposes with a daffodil and she says yes. Le sigh. Caitlin wants him to get a job. Matt wants vacation followed by job he really likes. Um….
Tracie & Clint
These two are pushing 40. Clint seems a bit um, challenged. Clint doesn’t seem to understand that Tracie is older than her photos. You don’t exactly get to take selfies when you are doing hard time so that is hardly her fault! This whole thing is Clint’s mother’s fault. She gets Clint is retarded and thinks a prison wife is his best shot, in my opinion. I think Clint is not unattractive at all and dresses well and if he made six figures a year he’d have women all over him. He’s just a bit… challenged in the mental game and lives at home with his parents after a few women married him. At least two I think. A commenter posted something about him driving off the road drunk pulling an ice cream trailer? I don’t think Tracie would wait for him if that happened again unless his mama paid her to. Tracie is playing him for a place to live. Clint’s mom calls to check on him while he waits for her to get out.
Tracie comes out looking NOTHING like her photos, but Clint is really cute so she is happy. Clint doesn’t seem to see the difference as the embrace like long lost friends. Lots of making out. Tracie tells us she tends to violate on probation.
Tracie gets a $350 dollar dye job. She thinks he is proposing tonight. She sends him out with a list of semi reasonable list but things are approaching his budget. Look if you have a thousand dollar budget for a bride and you are simply seeing her hair early, things are going well for you my friend. And by the way Clint, you have on a very expensive looking sweater albeit over and over in every scene so it may have been sponsored just like all of her stuff was until this point, we see the argument coming with your mommy, Of course she looks like a tattooed whore but he loves it. His one thousand dollar budget for three days has been busted in the first three hours. Tracie spills her whole fraudulent paycheck crimes to her hair dresser. As one does. She just couldn’t possibly come home at 9 like her parole officer expected her to, so she did five years in prison instead.
He is buying very expensive lingerie. The salesperson fleeced him out of $350 worth of lingerie. It’s never taken me $350 of lingerie to get a man. I guess he is putting lipstick on a pig. It’s like build a convict instead of kids building a bear. He is just as thrilled as a kid at a build a bear shop.
Britanny & Marcelino
I almost hate to watch because I love Marcelino. Heavy sigh. Britanny is self-conscious because she is in prison clothes and Marcelino has taken he to a fancy hotel. Marcelino bought her a lime green dress and a quarter collection because he parents stole hers. She just wants to take real shower. Britanny seems not very interested in sex but it happens anyway. Apparently Marcelino is one of the few black men who admit to having oral sex. This seems to please her.
Britanny is also getting a makeover so I suppose this is production paying for shit. I love how she wonders at everything including a mirror where she can see herself for the first time. I’m hopeful for my boy Marcelino. Until Marcelino says “If you will just be quiet and listen” when they are talking about long-term goals. Clearly, she is not allowed to either express her opinion or ponder it he is out. I get now why he is not in a relationship. Holy shit did he just say she needs to respect his age? WTF, man? You need to respect your woman. It doesn’t matter you plucked her out of prison, that say more about you than her. I loved that she stood up and walked away. Every woman deserves respect even if you did just pick them out of prison.
On the other hand she is being kind of a bitch too. This is not going well on day one. The convict is over him already. She literally has no other options and she is literally walking away from the table.
Megan, Michael & Sarah
For those just tuning in, Michael is a dog even in prison and Sarah and Megan are likely not the only victims. Megan is the black virgin and Sarah is his white wife he married in prison. Megan is all ready to lose her virginity to this convict and goes to the airport as instructed to pick him up. At the airport he told Megan not to pick him up from prison with no real explanation. I mean what is he going to say? Sorry, I need to speak to my wife first?
Michael told Megan that the reason he did not want her to pick him up is because he has this big surprise for her (you know like he married someone else in prison) and he wanted to surprise her with it all. She seems appeased by this ridiculousness and only mildly irritated. Oh, Megan. GURRRRRRRRRRRL. Listen to your wise and kind of adorable brother!
Sarah goes to pick up Michael in her queen t-shirt and he comes running out in the king t-shirt she sent him. It’s a glorious reunion. He luhs her. But he tells the producers that Megan is his queen. Oh lord. This is some fucked up shit right here. Megan is pissed. But she is also waiting. Oh girl. This is not the prize you think it is.
I am addicted to this show. Best show ever.