Y’all, I am kind of brain-dead tonight. I got some really good news today and yesterday when gliding through Kroger there was a pyramid of champagne on sale so I grabbed a bottle. I drank the entire bottle today from a VERY expensive glass. Then, I um took a nap, and just now woke up and I still have “asleep face” lol. Anyway, I am as happy as people with chronic depression can be. Which is sort of “mildly amused and also doubting something good is really happening” on the happiness scale which is huge. So suddenly, life is tolerable.
Let’s see what the ladies of New Jersey are doing tonight. No matter how much Andy Cohen keeps trying to say this is a great season, it’s not a great season, Andrew and you saying it is does not make it so. We have eyes!
Oh, I want those flowers Dolores brought Marge. Apparently, Marge is having very nice brunch for the girls. Apparently it is sponsored by a facial mask company. How lucky are they? I am already wishing I had one. There is a weird Asian market near me than I need to go to to get me some masks. Danielle doesn’t want to be on TV with no makeup so she claims she is allergic to whatever is in there. She says, “You know I am allergic to everything” and Dolores shoots back.”Not to penis!” I really wish I didn’t know so much about Dolores because if I didn’t I’d really like her ON THE SHOW. Danielle is apparently allergic to water? Did she just say she can’t eat an omelette because there might be water in the pan? I must have misheard that. Sorry I just woke up like five minutes ago.
Why are these women, at least some of them, eating with face masks on? Dolores has the nerve to call Melissa fake. Oh honey, I SEE YOU. Then we go back to the whole Melissa and Teresa argument. Lines are being drawn and I am totally on the side of Melissa, Marge and Jackie. Teresa comes hard for Jackie. Things get to ten really quick. I love that Jackie refuses to go there with Teresa. She’s calm and points out she is way to old to be yelled out. This of course infuriates Teresa more. She the Goddamn OG and you will bow down. But Jackie will not. Jackie is the new Caroline and I love her. Jackie says, “I am not scared of Teresa Giudice.”
I love how everyone keeps pointing out to Danielle, “You weren’t there!”
Where everyone will be is Danielle’s fake wedding for TV. I mean it is a real wedding, but only because she is on TV.
I am trying to understand why Jackie would call Dolores for advice on Teresa and then I realize it’s totally production. These two are not part of the wedding. That is why we get to see a scene of Dolores going to a women’s shelter. It is touching. If there is anything I have learned, I have learned that one person treating you like a queen and giving you a bit of attention expecting nothing in return is the second best thing that can happen to you. The best thing is passing that feeling on to others. True story.
When the plane arrives in Bimini, Danielle can’t manage to walk down the stairs onto the runway without help. Who will carry her bag? They are flying on Elite Airways which is a tiny little company that is coming up in the world with this ad. They fly yankees out of New Jersey and to Orlando with another puddle jump over to Bimini. They have both scheduled and charter flights.
Jennifer has a filming with her sixteen commodes. Or her tons of kids. Or something. There are all sorts of people there cooking and cleaning and watching the kids while she pretends she is doing something. She is SOFA KING annoying. Her brother is engaged so they are having a “traditional Turkish dinner.” It’s quite clear she has no clue how to make a traditional Turkish dinner. There are fewer guests than toilets. There are lots of Frankenbites to make this more interesting. It’s not working.
I really need this to be over because I need to get to Survivor!
Teresa calls Gia who is apparently running the house, AGAIN. Who is taking care of Nono? Gia. If you go online, you wills see that Teresa is not tirelessly caring for her father or her kids. She is ALWAYS out of town. I can’t even get anyone to take care of my dog! Gia and Teresa don’t know if the Bahamas is in the US.
It’s time for a dinner brawl. But first, Marge’s husband has to fix a hole in Danielle’s tongue. I am not making this up. I love Marge’s husband. The fireworks start shortly after Teresa orders lots of extra veggies. I admire her for sticking to her diet. Danielle wants a bikini photo shoot. Marge is not into it. Her tits don’t stand up on their own. I feel you, Marge. It is clear that Danielle and Marty do not get along. And his whole family hates her. He should have listened to them. Joe Gorga gets a talking head just to tell us that if a woman he was about to marry said ANYTHING negative about his kids he would never marry her.
Teresa goes off on Melissa for some reason. Joe is not happy with Teresa screaming at his wife. He pulls them both aside and reminds them they are family. I love Joe Gorga in this moment. He is doing everything right. They have a real conversation. I love this group hug. So much.
I think I get why Andy loves this season. It’s starting to be good. I am going offline now to watch a glorious three hours of Survivor.