It’s time to head back to Jersey. No matter how much Andy Cohen says he loves this season, I know it was hatcheted to death during post-production and it was mostly Danielle’s fault. Tonight, Margaret and Teresa and Melissa are planning Danielle’s bachelorette party. This requires shopping for penis straws and anal plugs. Teresa still has her hate-on for Jackie. I love Jackie.
Melissa is preparing for little Joey’s communion. This seems like an excuse to reuse footage from his christening from way back in the beginning where we basically learned that Joe’s father seemed to like Joe Giudice better than his own son. I don’t think their relationship has ever been super close. Also the older Nono gets the meaner he becomes.
Jackie and her husband, Evan have Melissa and Joe over for dinner. It’s takeout because Jackie doesn’t cook. I like this foursome. Jackie confesses that she is not that close with her sister. They don’t really talk. Jackie tells Joe about Teresa’s comments about how Melissa should be able to control her husband. She also told him about what she said about not being able to control Joe Giudice enough to keep him out of prison. Joe Gorga seemed to like that comment but warned Jackie that Teresa will hold a grudge.
I love Jackie, but she is not a journalist as she just claimed. She is a freelance writer for mommy blogs. I do understand her saying that she is unbothered by people’s negative opinions and bizarre accusations. That’s just part of the job. So nothing Teresa can say will affect her.
Dolores’ son Frankie is preparing for the same body building competition that Teresa has entered. Dolores is shocked that Frank told Frankie that he got disbarred. Frank told her he didn’t tell anyone. She’s pissed. Frank is a liar. This should not be news to her. Isn’t that why they got divorced?
Marge, Melissa and Teresa go to Danielle’s house to discuss bachelorette plans. Except that isn’t Danielle’s big beautiful house it is her soon to be ex-husbands and he has already put it on the market and he didn’t even tell her he was selling. He just wants not part of anything from the dark Danielle times in his life anymore. He also has a restraining order on her.
It’s just two weeks until the doomed marriage. Danielle has ridiculous demands. She is a horrible person. Bridezilla does not even begin to cover it. She’s such a huge gaping cunt. Marge has had enough and is leaving. Then Danielle tries to make up. They hug it out. As Marge says, Danielle really is like Jekyl and Hyde.
Jennifer has a scene about what an obnoxious non-parent she is. I can’t.
What kind of man dates a woman who lives with her ex-husband the barred attorney? Dolores needs to leave this show, the only reason they are still on is because Andy fights to keep Frankie on.
I love the scenes with Jackie and Evan and the family. She’s a great addition to this dying franchise. We meet Barry Mark, Jackie’s eccentric father this episode. And her mother, Ann B Mark. They are married but live separately. Somehow this makes sense to me. We also meet Jackie’s brother Eric. It’s family dinner time. Once again Jackie has ordered in. It’s a crazy group but everyone seems happy. Jackie talks to her mother about reconciling with her sister. Her mother is thrilled. They haven’t spoken in 15 years. This will be deep and difficult to navigate on a reality show.
Bravo’s over the top bachelorette party is REALLY over the top. It’s a Great Gatsby theme so they probably got to reuse Kyle Richards leftovers, but still. It’s a lot. Not Kyle and Maurico levels of a lot, but still way more than Danielle’s three month marriage deserves.
Danielle’s very beautiful and sane 24-year-old daughter struts in looking like she just fell out of Vogue. I do not understand how this educated, gorgeous, kind, young sophisticated woman came from Danielle. She’s really a great human. How does that happen? Does it skip a generation like the propensity of having twins? Teresa makes sure to show her the giant black cock she bought her mother. Because, Teresa.
Danielle is already less than thrilled with Marty. She is thrilled about the parties and presents and strippers though. Especially the strippers who appear to be providing her with oral sex. It was like a sex show in front of her daughter. It was gross.
Teresa and Danielle randomly make some sort of unholy alliance against Melissa at the end of the episode. It didn’t seem heavily scripted at all. God this franchise sucks.
It is clearly good versus evil though. Team Evil is Teresa, Danielle. Dolores and Jennifer. Team Good is Jackie, Melissa and Marge. This begins to fall apart mid-season with Teresa and Melissa come together over family issues. But this is the rough outline for the season that was pre-planned.
Next week: The doomed destination wedding begins.