After that tense episode of Below Deck on the high seas are you ready for another half hour of riveting television in the Caribbean? Well, tough titties. We’ve got this crap. I’d probably stop recapping it but we are having so much fun mocking this hot mess in comments and just chatting about random shit that I am soldiering on. It’s kind of like a secret off topic forum in comments without any sad sack comments about death and cancer and surgeries and fires. Let’s get through this together and find something fun to talk about.
I am beginning to understand why we rarely if ever see these people hoist a sail. They can’t even hoist an American flag without a debate over whether the stars go on the top or the bottom of the flag. That cannot have been a serious question, could it? It was the British Royal Duke of Dumbassery who was asking and Lord knows they seem to think they know everything there is to know about American politics, so surely they know what the flag looks like. It’s true most of us don’t really care what their flag looks like, because, we are not obsessed with them. They are obsessed with us. They are hoisting the flags during a lightning storm. Chelsi wonders if there is metal on a boat. I am not making this shit up.
Guess what guys? The motley crew rent a villa on the island because the weather is bad and they can’t leave the dock. Still no sailing.
I hate Danielle the most I think. In yesterday’s comments some anon fool tried to comment about how horrible the recap was (technically true from a strict recap perspective) and that I should have done my research before I said that Danielle and Barrett won’t make it because she has moved to California and given up her practice to be with him. Their point was they have totally made it. Oh goody for them!
Danielle and Chelsi, who I think I will call Pug, because…. um… it is the first three letters of her last name and it is easier to remember, make sure to let Vanessa know that Max is just not that into her.
On boat 2, the new girls hate Danielle and the girls on the original boat. There may be hope for these girls.
As it turns out, Rachel hooked up with Barrett before Danielle did. THAT is why these girls are so vile toward her. Danielle is furious about that. Danielle was not even seeing Barrett. She just wanted to be.
Max and his brother Quentin (Q) go out to a bar to talk about how wealthy and southern they are. Neither of them have a southern accent or seem the least bit southern. Apparently, they are damn yankees, the kind that come down from wherever these two are from and squat and try to be southern. Max says that his father would probably not even acknowledge Vanessa. She is just way too uncouth for them. Have they ever even been to Alabama? This is an entirely nonsensical conversation. How does your southern daddy feel about all of those earrings in your ears? In the meantime, Max continues to lead Vanessa on and deny to the guys that he is into her.
Danielle and Pug seem very confident about their looks.
HOLY CRAP! WE ARE SAILING! THE SAILS ARE UP! The are moving almost FIVE NAUTICAL MILES to a new dock! Actually, I don’t think they really put the sails up. It looks like another short motor boat trip to the new parking lot. I think they just cut in some photos of the boat in open water with the sails up.
Korey, the only good-looking guy on the boat may have to leave early because the guy who is overseeing his accounts while he does this show is quitting.
It just keeps getting worse.
Just when you think this episode is not nearly as bad as last night’s, Danielle wants to call out Rachel for sleeping with the guy she liked. BEFORE THEY EVER EVEN DATED. She is with him now but is apparently so very insecure that she wants to belittle Rachel publicly. Let’s drink every time Danielle is a being a cunt. Danielle says it is not three against one with her and Pug and Vanessa. Bitch please. Yes it is. You are out to shit talk her this whole trip because you are pissed she fucked Barrett before you did and she really didn’t even want him. Now she must pay. Rachel in her confessionals is like, “Really? It wasn’t even good sex. I could have done without it.”
Danielle immediately runs to the other two heads of the snake to say she is not making up with Rachel. The three heads of the snake bitch about Rachel prior to a boat party. They decide she never going on any more of the trips.
Danielle, the Pug and Vanessa are cunts who can’t even have a good time on vacation.
I stayed on topic way too much for this episode. Have you ever gone on vacation with friends that didn’t end well? What horror stories do you have? I may share stories of a crazy trip to the Keys with y’all that involved drunk driving, strip club stops, and alleged trespassing on a property owned by or possibly just visited by a former POTUS. I presume that guy is dead now so it is okay to discuss. I visited him jail a couple years later for something else. Allegedly. What are your travel horror stories?
I might actually get a case of the sads if Korey leaves. He’s probably the cutest guy on the boat, he actually seems to have a real business (I stumbled upon his sunglasses line when I was looking for the cast on social media), and his nude scenes have helped keep things interesting. (Or at least, he’s kept me interested!)
As for the (faux?) Alabama bro’s, can someone just leave them behind on one of the many island stops already? I just can’t with them.
I also just can’t with Barrett. He’s such a cheater cheater pumpkin eater, yet they keep cutting him so much slack. Who do they think he is, Mr. Jax Taylor? Or perhaps “White Kanye DJ James Kennedy”?
Oh, yeah. That’s right. This is another Evolution joint, after all, so they just have to keep the ridiculousness a’comin. But dammit, I’d rather watch an hour-long loop of Vicki Gunvalson twerking than listen to any more double-standard excuses for the man-babies on board.
TT- absolutely hilarious recap. I’m only watching the show to enjoy the performances by you and your readers. Kinda like the Ricky Horror Picture Show. Half way through I realized that Danielle looks like a younger and less surgically enhanced Danielle from RHONJ. She is just as bitchy but not quite as bat shit crazy.
Omg I couldn’t figure out who she looked like. That’s it!
I also think she looks like the obnoxious American girl Jules on Ladies of London or whatever the name of that show was.
Who wears an hat with ME on the front and the back? Barrett but could be any one of these douche bags! A DOUCHE BAG hat would be more appropriate.
Oops I mean Rocky
I give this recap a full 100% thumbs up! This is the first episode I watched and I completely agree with everything you said (BTW, does that ever get old, when commenters agree with you LOL).
No, because it doesn’t happen that often. lol.
I feel so bad for being semi sober during this recap. I truly want to know about your bad vacations…
I flew into Miami and stayed with a guy I had dated in Atlanta on and off for long while (I don’t know why I said a few days he was one of my sex in crazy places partners lol we were young)before we headed via car to the keys I had no idea what a VERY LONG FUCKING ROAD TRIP IT WOULD BE. I will confess to being an unwilling partner in many crimes and surviving being a passenger in a DUI of MANY MANY HOURS if y’all will share your stories.
So is this the time and the place for me to share my story of getting “the full drug dealer frisking” at Honolulu Airport last month because I was “randomly selected” by TSA… And because I was stupid enough to open the bag of coffee I bought for my dad at Costco so I could grind the beans there?
Yes but at least there was no border security involved.
This is why I will never repatriate through MIA again.’
http://tamaratattles.com/2013/06/27/my-customs-interragation-story-aka-mia-airport-sucks-donkey-ass/
I can’t bear to reread it STILL.
I’ve read your MIA horror story before, and I’m still stunned whenever I re-read it. And yes, even though I didn’t have to go through customs in HNL, I’d imagine it’s much like whatever the hell happens in MIA.
The airport layout is confusing as fuck. For whatever reason, it took the HNL TSA crew about 30 minutes to search all my luggage and all of myself twice (??!!) amidst an awkward stream of confusing phone calls to supervisors (?) and a parade of different agents coming over to check me out. And while the TSA agent who was tasked with frisking me head to toe (twice!) was as professional as he could be, I nonetheless felt very terrified as I was being touched all over the place.
When I recounted all this to my dad when I made it to his house in Orange County, he reminded me that this is why he hates to fly. Though I’ve gotten accustomed to the whole airport/TSA song and dance routine, I get why he just doesn’t want to endure it any more. But hey, at least he got to enjoy the Hawaiian coffee!
AwwH !!! Such sweet intention and WHAM!
! Have a story (2) but I’m not wasted so I can’t tell it yet…horribly embarrassing though!
OMG!! Right now, on the West Coast, FLIX is showing a movie “based on the book, ‘I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell’”!!!
I thought of you immediately!! ?
Ha! As if the trip home could not get any worse, the book was written my some misogynist pig who hates women in general and fat women with a burning passion. I’m sure the movie sucks just as hard.
No worries; I didn’t watch it.
But truly, I thought of you! If I knew you IRL, you surely would have got a phone call from me, “Gurrrl! Turn your tv on! You won’t beLIEVE what’s coming on next!!”
?
xo
Best recap ever!!
For my 40th birthday, my best friend and I flew to Reno, Nevada to celebrate with our friend PPP. PPP arrived first and got a head start on drinking. We went to a bar in Circus Circus to play draw poker. PPP puked all over the bar and floor. Then she went in the bathroom and shit her pants, which of course went everywhere. We had to drag her covered in poop and puke through 2 casinos to get back to ours. When we got to our room we cleaned her up, hand washed her clothes and stuck her in bed. We left because the entire room stunk and I couldn’t stop dry heaving. Her name was Penny, so now we call her PPP short for Penny poopy pants. We don’t vacation with her anymore.
PS-There might be pictures of her covered in poop and puke and passed out with hysterical facial expressions. Don’t know where they are because my camera was stolen. Best birthday!!!!!!!
This group of people (this show) make the Vanderpump Rules crew look like princes and scholars! Great recap, TT.
Oh my god, I was going to post *exactly* the same thing. (that these unappealing jerks make the VRules cast look like Rhodes scholars) …
What a repugnant group of people, especially Danielle. Not sure whether the guys or the girls are worse, but none of them merit the arrogant swagger most of them carry themselves with.
Pretty much. Not only do they discourage the reading of books while “sailing”, but it sounds like some of them may not know how to read at all.
Last night, I couldn’t help but think of that crazy ass rumor that Lea Michele doesn’t know how to read. For the record, I do believe Lea Michele does know how to read (at least up to high school level). Yet with these morons, I’m really wondering how much they actually learned at school.
The Lea Michele can’t read rumor is my favorite crazy rumor of all time.
http://tamaratattles.com/2018/03/22/there-is-this-crazy-conspiracy-theory-online-about-lea-michele/
I repressed this vacation horror story but it came back to me and I hate my cheating husband again. The evening we were to fly to Cancun for a “working “ vacation with my husband’s clients my GYNECOLOGIST calls to tell me I have an STD! So husband of the year accused me of cheating because he would never. So I packed antibiotics that said no alcohol and no sun while cleansing my body of my husband’s gift. My trip was fighting then smiling for clients.I need to fight about this again.
I don’t think I would have smiled for the clients. I think I would have excused myself early from the mingling by announcing, I hate to leave early but my husband has given me a raging STD he picked up from one of his whores and really need to lie down. Please enjoy the rest of your evening in my absence.
Yes! I need a do-over. I hope there’s another trip.
Wait! You are still married to him?
Yes! He hid our money and he threatened to take our kids.
You need to find the money. Then tell him he can have the kids. He won’t take them, they would cramp his lifestyle.
I just yelled the same question in my head
Oh Momma!? Wise advise given above.
My terrible vacation story: We flew to Vegas for my daughter-in-law’s bachelorette party. While in a very fancy nightclub I was shoved by a gal at the bar and my inebriated daughter-in-law got into an altercation with her that quickly turned physical. Cue the security guards as this fancy nightclub does not tolerate brawling (imagine that!).
Now cue the 5 professional baseball players in very expensive suits that were there who saw it go down and formed a line in front of us and deterred the security guards. Just as we were thinking we were some hot shit, the baseball players got bored with protecting us and moved on to their table and did not invite us. As soon as they left, the security guards swooped in, grabbed my daughter-in-law and DRAGGED her hollering and screaming into the bowels of the casino. As our group tried to follow and protest, we were half dragged, half escorted out in the street and barred from re-entering.
After several minutes of high anxiety wondering where my daughter-in-law-in-law was and how I was going to explain her disappearance to my son, and having thoughts of old school mafia run casino owners roughing up people who make trouble for them, I found an alternate entrance to the casino and found a security guard who I told that they had better either produce my daughter-in-law, or charge her with something so we can post bail. She showed up 15 minutes later with instructions to never return. Vacation stress to the max! Never push your luck in a fancy nightclub in Vegas.
Viva Las Vegas, hey?
Wow! Y’all have some dramatic travel stories.
I went to Romania by myself and ended up spending almost two weeks of my trip in Translyvania. I went to casinso there and made the terrible mistake of drawing A LOT of attention to myself by playing a bit too much money and giving my driver and body guard $100 to play. He did not play. He needed that money. And so here I was a middle-aged woman alone in the Carpathian Mountains during a very popular World Cup out partying with the sleezy nightclub owners and getting drunk with a Canadian lady traveling alone making all kinds of bad decisions.
But it was a great trip, and I lived to tell the tale. I spent a lot of time in my very nice hotel room with grand views of the mountains eating room service and watch really old US TV shows.
OMG, TT. I can’t imagine how scared I would have been. Glad you made it out of there safe and sound. Whew!
I have to admit the thought of being in Dracula’s home town would have scared the piss out of me. I’d have garlic, crosses, silver bullets, etc. LOL
My hubby was working in California. My daughter & I flew, from Michigan to Ca, for a 3 week visit/vacation. The puddle jumper, which flew us from our home town to Detroit airport, nose & front left steering & ??? froze upon landing so we went off the landing strip, into what I call the frozen corn field, which was frozen lump mud. We bounced up & down in our seats my head almost touched the top, there was nothing anyone could do while the wings were flapping up and down and jiggidy jagged. No one was hurt, thank God. We were all shook up. Sat for 4 hours while the inspectors, fire trucks, etc. did their thing.
My kid has no hip sockets so, she could not go down the emergency steps. I tried to walk backward and have her lean into me, but I got slammed in the ass by a very good looking fireman, who stood rigidly behind me and said that he would rather carry my daughter to the transport bus. So, he swooped my kid up, and carried her to the bus and everyone cheered like she was the little heroine of our crazy experience. When we got to the airport we were not in a normal area where guests would be. Had to wait forever to get a wheelchair. Some lady was kind enough to let me use her cell phone to call my hubby was waiting at LAX and had no idea what was going on. Anyway, on return flight, I went through the security area at LAX, meanwhile someone else was designated to wheel my kid through the security, (they would not let me do it), but another worker insisted that I move along, out of sight from my kid, WRONG! I finally told her, “I’m NOT moving, lady! I will keep my eyes on my child and when my hands are back on that wheelchair, THEN I will move, and NOT a minute sooner. Goddamn! Ignorant assholes expected me to just leave my kid, out of sight, go willy nilly into some frickin’ area of LAX where my kids was NOT anywhere to be seen??? My kid who does not have any word association, no verbal communication, severely impaired??? Fuck that shit and fuck that kind of wacked security practice.
sorry for talking filth. Gonna make an effort to just read and not post.
We don’t mind a bit a filth here. lol.
I second this comment. And the filth was more than justified
This show is such trash- I’ve stopped watching….and that says a lot, lol. TT- I have to let you know of another seriously satisfying trash show! It’s called seeking sister wife on TLC. It’s actually very interesting. It’s kind of trashy reality TV, but it’s also just so freaking interesting. Not like the original sister wives that try to sugar coat everything… this actually feels authentic.
I’m not sure if I should be embarrassed or not I have managed to give up almost all bravo shows (minus top chef and the occasional Vanderpump episode) but I find myself drawn to this show. It’s a train wreck that I just can’t stop watching and I know it’s not even good this is like jersey shore levels of guilty pleasure/wtf watching.
You’re not alone. I love a train wreck and this show is the ultimate train wreck. The recap and comments are giving me life. I can’t wait for Monday’s shit show!
Regarding this show… My opinion, don’t shoot me, but
unless you are an Olympic swimmer you have no business wearing speedo’s. Sorry!
And, guys who like to wear speedo’s and skin tight leggings and dress in drag,
are NOT necessarily into the little desperate chickee’s who force themselves on these guys.
I call it the way I see it.
Now, if Rupaul shows up on one of these excursions then I’m INTO watching it, cuz THEN it will get real.
Captain Jack in his Levi’s speedos is the best part of the show.
Eye yi yi, TT.
All of them totally turn me off. Yuck.
I don’t have a long enough lifeline to waste my time watching this mindless muck…I meant to say muck too…There is an endless list of words suitable to describe this useless stuff shown on my tv by mistake but I don’t type or talk filth…And that is all I have to say about this…….
I am in SF on business so I was watching on this huge TV where I could see everything. Did anyone else notice the blood on Captain Jacks nostril?
Great recap for this ridiculous show!!
Haha, wow the trashtalk! I mean it’s to be expected bc that’s what people do, but at least you’re talking! First off.. I may come off as bias bc I know all these people and have vacationed with them many times (ok skewer me now).. but let me just clarify.. what makes this show unique is that they are all established friends before filming. They are all pretty successful in real life. They aren’t just entitled rich millennials. But.. these vacations do celebrate weird, and a degree of hedonism. That’s why it’s called ‘unanchored’; while most peers of this group are wearing khakis and having kids and doing the societal robot dance— these people are saying f*ck it, we want to travel and explore and make memories. And yes— stupid shit like Jean speedos and rubber snakes and pranks run rampant. Any party is more fun when it’s a costume party = fact. But yea there’s sometimes drama (almost always with the women, let’s be honest), and bravo is going to celebrate it. It’s bravo!! That’s my 10 cents of defense. Ok now keep the trashtalk coming! But know there’s an alter reality.. they are all genuinely good people and max is truly from Alabama.. which is what makes him such an adorable defiant vagabond character haha
Yay Jeff. I kinda like the show. The girls drama…not so much. But the sheer abandon to having fun and acting sheer crackers amuses me. The silly costumes are such fun. I wish I had had the resources and let’s be honest the courage to go all out like that.
Why do mean girls always solely focus their anger on who their friend’s crush hooked up with on the girl, and the guy who did their friend gets to walk away scot-free. Look bitch, if he was into you at all, he would not have screwed your bestie. Period, the end.
And I am never giving up my business to move cross country for a man without a ring.
I hate the 3 headed snake. And pug needs to re-think her bathing suit choices.
As always, I love TT’s recaps more than I like the show itself. And I wouldn’t have even started to watch this silly show if not for them.
But…am I the only one who feels like Danielle is somewhat justified in her animosity towards Rachel? What she did seems very slimy to me. I don’t condone the behaviour of the 3 witches at all, they are awful, no doubt. Danielle definitely rubs me the wrong way. However, that was a bitch move on Rachel’s part. Total snake in the grass. And playing dumb about it to boot. Ugh. Jmho.
My understanding is that Rachel and Barrett are friends and she was staying with him at his place for a couple of weeks while visiting. A drunken hookup ensued. Barrett was not interested in Danielle at the time. Plus Rachel is actually attractive. Barrett and Danielle had not dated at all she just had the hots for him.
Why are females named Danielle on Bravo TV show psychotic..,,,
Simply An observation