I’ve had the big sleep, coffee is perking on the stove, I’ve taken some deep cleansing breaths, and I am ready to settle in for yet another episode of these crazy old ladies with new faces scream at each other while their tits flap about and fall out of their dresses. One.more.time.
First we are going to focus on Kelly and her co-parenting Jolie with Michael and her dating. Kelly says things with Michael are up and down. He not a fan of the mother of his child being on TV talking about dating men with “Pretty Huge Dicks.” A viewer points out that trying to teach Jolie values by taking her to the homeless shelter and then dumping a guy who would not buy her sunglasses isn’t really teaching her values. Kelly says she also dumped him because he was old. Kelly says Michael has a full-time girlfriend now. She’s 38. Michael is 60. Vicki does not approve of the new girls. Kelly denies treating Jolie as a contemporary and not her kid, yet we just saw her doing that yet again with Jolie after the reunion was filmed. Jolie should not be watching the show at all.
Next up, Kelly’s terrible behavior toward Steve and Shane. Frankly, I think that Emily should have punched Kelly in the mouth. Kelly feels totally justified in her behavior. Kelly doubles down and tells Emily to get her bitch under control. Kelly says she thought Emily was going to try to kill her. Again, I think she should have. Shannon butts in to defend Kelly and be a bitch to Emily and Emily is not having it. Tamra, Kelly and Shannon all band together against Emily but the second Gina comes to Emily’s defense, Tamra screams at Gina, “Why do you guys talk for each other?” WTF does any of this have to do with you, Tamra? Or Shannon for that matter. Shut your pie hole if that is still possible with your stretched out face. Andy points out Kelly was daring Emily to hit her and she continues to talk crap about Shane on her blog and social media. Tamra and Shannon both jump in to speak for Kelly. Again. Emily is crying and points out that is Kelly wants to be friends she can’t insult her husband. Kelly apologizes again. She doesn’t mean it.
On to the Jamaica trip. Vicki is embarrassed by her twerking and swears never to do it again. Vicki can’t even watch the scene of her in the black lace number. None of these people have any business judging what Vicki wears. None of them.
On to Shannon’s meltdown in Jamaica and the constant fighting between Shannon and Tamra. Gina, Kelly and Tamra all align against Shannon. Tons of screaming and most things are inaudible and Shannon sums things up by saying she feels badly for leaning on Tamra so much. She thought they had that kind of friendship and obviously they didn’t. It comes across as Shannon saying Tamra was not a great friend to her during her months and months of depression. Tamra says she was trying her best but she was also going through a very scary time with Eddie’s health. Everyone is screaming over everyone except for Vicki who is sitting there like Mother Teresa. Even Emily chimes in to support Tamra.
Gina brings up that Shannon didn’t speak to Kelly for two years and that she froze Emily and Gina out at every turn. Shannon says she just doesn’t like Gina. Shannon says the very first day they met, Gina was screaming in her ear about Vicki “breaking girl code” by introducing Michael to a female friend. Gina says that Tamra and Shannon were both whispering things in her ear trying to get her not to like Vicki. I believe that. Shannon and Tamra would like nothing more than to take Vicki down.
Andy asks if it was really something that Gina did or did Shannon just have it out for the new girls. AGAIN. Shockingly, Shannon admits that it was a combination of both. Andy keeps on pushing Shannon about why she doesn’t want to take antidepressants and Vicki wants to know why it is a negative thing. Emily says she takes them. Shannon says it is because it means you can’t manage your life and you are a mess so you need to be medicated. Tamra asks if that was something David said to her. Shannon starts crying and says David said things like that to her all the time. So I get how that could be a trigger for Shannon; however, perhaps the first hundred times David suggested it, it was coming from a good place.
Next, Andy brings up Shannon’s self-medicating with alcohol and pretty much in unison they all agree that they all do that. Shannon said she was hurt that Vicki said she had rich girl problems during the divorce. Well, Vicki was right. Shannon said she was hurt that Kelly said David was a saint for putting up with her for as long as he did. Kelly then said that she didn’t choose her words properly and just meant it must have been hard for David, “to live with someone like that.” Newsflash, Kelly, that didn’t sound any better. But it’s true nonetheless.
Shannon has apparently stopped calling Tamra since the Jamaica episodes aired. Both Shannon and Tamra are very emotional. Tamra wonders if Shannon is just going to continue not speaking to her until February when filming starts up again. Shannon says that David would tell her she was an alcoholic, and crazy and selfish. Shannon says that was what she was hearing from Tamra and it made her very defensive in Jamaica. Shannon is now on the phone with her therapist daily since receiving the Jamaica episodes. I think she needs medication and perhaps a better therapist. I noticed on Shannon’s social media she is pushing some natural remedy for menopause. Sometimes they help. I’ve been thinking I need to get back on SAM-e or something at least temporarily to get me through this winter where apparently it is going to rain every damn day.
Kelly squirms in her seat as they role the clip of Kelly and Gina telling Shannon that everyone was talking about her mental health in Jamaica. We are spending a lot of time talking about how crazy, selfish and alcoholic Shannon is on this episode. Literally everyone on the show except possibly Vicki has said these things many times.
Shannon called Gina up after filming the scene with her eye surgery and told her she is afraid she might lose custody of the girls based on what was said on the show and she wanted to know exactly what was said. She also told Gina not to mention anything to Tamra. Shannon denies this. Shannon denies saying she was concerned about her custody. Shannon admits there was a conversation but then denies every part of the conversation. I believe Gina. Gina finally screams that Shannon is an “open book of bullshit.”
I should point out this is all in a high-pitched scream that only dogs can hear and I can’t wait for this to be over. There are ten minutes left and this better be wrapped up, because the last thing we need is another episode of this crap. Tamra says that is was wrong of Gina to go to Shannon after her surgery and stir the pot. Gina says she felt bad for Shannon who was recuperating from surgery alone while everyone was talking about her mental health. Gina apologizes for…. telling the truth I guess. She says she was not being a shit stirrer and was really trying to help Shannon. Gina says she felt terrible for Shannon and her divorce situation. Gina starts to cry and says she is going through it too and it sucks and she got her heart-broken too. Gina apologized to Shannon. Then Emily apologizes to Shannon for comparing her mentally ill mother and Shannon’s behavior. Everyone apologizes to Shannon. Andy points out that Shannon is accepting apologies from Gina and Emily but she still hates them. Emily points out that maybe Shannon should apologize for ignoring the new girls all season. And they are all screaming and apologizing again.
Dear God is this going to end or not? Yes! We are. Everyone is going to around and say one thing they would take back. Kelly says it is calling David a saint. Gina says it is inserting herself in Shannon’s situation in Jamaica. Emily says threatening to kill Kelly. Vicki says she would have told Michael not to put in a position of having to keep things from Kelly. Tamra says venting her frustrations with Shannon. She cries. Kelly tells Shannon that Tamra does love her. Shannon says losing her shit in Jamaica. It all seemed to be about Shannon and Kelly, the two biggest assholes on the show.
It ends with a shot of tequila for all. Emily tweeted over the weekend that she is still blocked by Shannon and Tamra on social media. Tamra tweeted a photo of Sidney and Eddie helping with the unpacking and settling into their new house. It looks like Vicki is the only one talking to the new girls. Kelly still seems on the outside of the Tres Amigas friendship triangle. Threesomes never work out.