Day three of the trip is New Year’s Eve. It’s the first real sail of the bucketlust portion of the voyage. Just a short hop to an island cay with all the sailboats in formation. Max wins Dick of The Day for sleeping in for the third time in 24 hours. He is stuck wearing a life vest for the entire day.
Max is immediately playing with the water toys and reminds us that he was in law school but he is just not meant for a desk job. He’s been to travel off of his parents money. He seems like Dick of the Decade.
Rachel’s sort of not really boyfriend doesn’t seem that into Rachel. She refuses to acknowledge this blatant fact. Then some other girl he used to bang shows up and talks about how great he looks now that he is single. Rachel is a crying drunk. Perhaps it is just a NYE thing where everyone is sort of paired off. But crying drunk is never good. I can get there really easily when I drink liquor which is why I strongly limit any liquor drinking whenever possible. Otherwise, I am a drunk that loves everyone– in like an annoying AF way. Danielle is a mean drunk. And she is making Rachel even more upset. No one likes a mean drunk Danielle. Actually, she’s a bitch in her confessionals sober as well. She’s the Tamra Judge of this show, a bad friend. She also told us on this episode she broke off her engagement to a guy she had dated for 7 years just a few months before the wedding. Now she is closing her practice to move to San Diego? San Francisco? San Somewhere, with Barrett. This is the 15th day they have ever spent together.
On New Year’s Day, everyone sleeps late and is hungover. Rachel wakes up crying over Albie who ditched her on NYE while Danielle was telling her how fucked up she is. Korey, who hasn’t had a ton of camera time comes down to check on her. Clearly there is a great guy right under her snotty nose.
Max got drunk and screwed some random girl on the beach on NYE and Chelsi, gem that she is, slags on the girl calling her all sorts of derogatory names as if it is all her fault. Max is the one whoring around, but nary a bad word about him. She’s just hoping he gets together with Vanessa. Vanessa if I am counting correctly has rolled around with three “men” in two episodes.
As the first day of the year winds down, our merry mob of sailors all head back to the boat and don animal onsies. As one does. The girls talk about the guys who meet the 666 rule: six inch dick, six figure salary, six feet tall. Captain Jack, who sort of has an eye on Vanessa through his half-cocked pink pussy mask, asks her why she broke her 666 rule for Max.
Rachel apologizes for staying on the boat crying all day and promises to make them all dinner. When they get back to the boat, Rachel wants to make meatballs and pasta and Chelsi makes her play for Dick of the Day by asking her why she didn’t buy anything to make dinner with. Where the fuck was she supposed to do that on New Year’s Day late at night? She said she would make dinner. This is not good enough for Chelsi because they already had the meatballs and pasta purchased from the group fund. I’m finding it hard to find the redeeming qualities of these people. Chelsi says that meatballs and pasta is her recipe with Vanessa.
Korey seems to be the only decent guy on the boat. He offers to help Rachel make some pizzas. Chelsi and Danielle, both of whom are dreadful people, continue to bitch about Rachel while she is making their dinner. Danielle calls her sensitive. Danielle and Chelsi are both cunts. Danielle tells Rachel that she “put in a whole hour of her New Year’s giving a fuck about her crying.” She wants credit for her shitty one hour holier than thou lecture? Barrett needs to run for the hills. Chelsi laughs as Danielle is shitting on Rachel once again.
Meanwhile there are even more really horrible choices being made by females. Vanessa is snugged up in a cabin with Max. She tells him not to snog any more random bitches on the beach. Why shouldn’t he? He knows she will come right back to him.
Chelsi seems to think she is apologizing to Rachel when she says the bottom line is she will never eat a meatball made by a blonde. Rachel should have decked this bitch in her smart mouth an hour ago.
On the morning of the second, it is Barrett’s birthday. Captain Jack gets terrible news. His best friend in London has passed away. He hasn’t said anything yet. He is just quietly watching all the reindeer games by the morons. He finally pulls Rachel aside to tell her privately because as he says, “she’s taught kindergarten and has feelings.” The unlike these other fuckups part was strongly implied. Captain Jack is struggling with the need to go home and the fact that he is the Captain of the ship that they have all looked forward to being on for so long. His friend was only 25. After Barrett finally passes out from his birthday party, Vanessa goes to snuggle with him.
So this episode we have identified the Cunts of the Caribbean, Danielle, Chelsi and Vanessa in that order. Vanessa may be an actual human being if she weren’t around the other two. They are irredeemable.
Korey, Rachel and Captain Jack and Max are the only likable people on the show.
I’m still in for next week because I want to have some sort of witch drowning experiment with some of these bitches.