I am so not ready for this recap. How is it 9 pm already? My spam blocker has lost its ever loving mind ever since the new “update” and isn’t blocking a thing and gmail is somehow having the same issue. Essentially my spam folder has become my inbox. So if I haven’t responded to your emails that is why. I am still sorting through things. But first…
It is time for the Shahs reunion and all the drama that entails. We start with GG alone outside in the parking lot smoking something. This means we are about to start the Golnesa smokes too much pot attack. Shes in her jeans and a T-shirt.
Before we get everyone back on the couch we have MJ and Tommy preparing to tell Vida that MJ is pregnant. I love that Tommy basically apologized for doing it on camera. He really wanted to tell her privately when they went out to dinner for her birthday. Vida says she doesn’t think they should announce it on the show because there is so much going on and she doesn’t want the announcement to be secondary. Mama Vida moved straight into PR mode after making a comment about MJ wearing heels while she is pregnant. MJ looks like she was hoping for more of a reaction. She tells Vida she wants to do it now while everyone is together. Vida starts criticizing her makeup. MJ wanders out to the couches leaving Tommy to be the Vida wrangler.
GG who is LEAVING THIS REUNION FOREVER! Waits patiently in her dressing room for Andy to come in and talk her back out onto the couches. GG says she can’t deal with them all ganging up on her and being on Shalom’s side.
The show must go on so they talk about Golnesa without her there. Nema says that GG turned on him at some point and started trashing him on social media. Nema’s sanity sticks out like a sore thumb on this show. He’s like the new Asa. He gives some examples of the things she has posted about him. For example, “I going to fuck you in the ass with your sister’s hand.” Nice.
Golnesa makes her triumphant return to the set in her gorgeous dress looking amazing. She asks for a chair. Mike makes room for her on the couch. GG wants to just move on to other topics so they do.
Destiney starts to cry about how much she loves Reza and Mercedeh. This seems to be setting GG off. Destiney doesn’t understand what is going on with her friendship with GG. She was just trying to talk to GG to get her back on set and GG wasn’t having it. I’m going to ride with Golnesa all the way on this. I know y’all love Destiney but her “Thank God I am such a nice person” comment made me want to punch her in the mouth. I think GG is showing a lot of restraint. GG says, “Thank God for anger management.” She’s fuming.
Andy, because he sucks at hosting reunions says, “Okay, I’m moving on, Ellie from Camden NJ asks …” Seriously. Remember that Australian host for the Melbourne reunion with the sunglasses on his head? Andy is officially reaching that level of suckage. The current discussing is about uncircumsized penises. Apparently, I have a point of common ground with Andy. I’m fine with them. Apparently, Mike told Jeff Lewis on his radio show he thinks Destiney is a lesbian. They play the clip. Basically since Destiney isn’t into Mike she must be gay. The lesbian population just got a lot bigger. I suddenly feel the need to rent a U-haul and go on my first lesbian date. Well maybe fourth or fifth… As Destiney says, “I like what I like.” Mike now says he is some sort of LGBT advocate. WTF? Andy moves on and Destiney is crying about her dad. She has brought a fan. It’s her first reunion and she has a dramatic fan moment. She’s good. Or going through the change. MJ touches Destiney in a dramatic show of support. Get in there MJ. Don’t let this bitch upstage you.
GG is literally clinging to the end of the couch praying for a merciful end to all of this.
MJ defends her swimsuits and tight clothes. I love that she owns her body and doesn’t care about the haters.
We randomly start talking about Mike. That gives us this quote about Mike from MJ, “When you press me, the truth starts coming out from another orifice.” Marinate on that for a minute.
The Shahs are the only reunion where they drink on set. GG says she needs something stronger than champagne. I feel like someone, perhaps Banjo, has slipped me some acid. This is all such a bizarre disjointed mess and I am loving every minute of it. Mike apologizes and says he loves women just like he loves the LGBT community. He’s a lover, that Mike. He loves sluts. I mean who doesn’t?
On to Reza’s shady behavior. He just betrays his friends when he feels unappreciated. Mike doesn’t appreciate him. Adam doesn’t appreciate him. Why doesn’t anyone see Reza’s greatness? It breaks Reza’s heart. He loves everyone. Mike and Reza 69 on the couch. Figuratively.
Golnesa clearly regrets being present for this. I feel you GG. They need to just get a room.
On to Nema. I like him more on the reunion than I did on the show. We need a sane person on the couch. Of course the sane person is always the target to we get right to the accusations that Nema only pursued GG for a slot on the show. Even GG gets in on that. How dare this new guy get all the positive attention on social media? Stand up for yourself, Persian John Boy! He says GG was into HIM while the cameras were on and then did a 180 when the cameras were off. I love me some Golnesa but I believe John Boy. Nema says that Reza’s jabs about his nascent “Persianity” hurts his big fat feelers. No one said this would be easy, John Boy. Sack up.
On to GG’s pot business, and Shalom. Shalom will not sign the divorce papers. They were married for seven weeks. He wants the ring back. GG is not giving it back or selling it. She doesn’t love him. The ring is hers people. Shalom has no legal claim on it. It was given in promise of marriage. She married him.
Golnesa admits she is high all day everyday. The intervention happens and it doesn’t go well. Then Golnesa says she is going to be pregnant very soon so she will be cutting back but not quitting. Ladies and gentlemen, GG is having the world’s first wake and bake baby.
It’s time for the big announcement from MJ. It’s going to be a slow build because there are still several minutes left of this episode. MJ says being on hormones is really hard. Then she announces she is pregnant. Destiney tries really hard to make it about her, and a dream she had that she was pregnant but everyone else is congratulating her even though everyone except apparently Nema and Destiney already knew. She is only nine weeks in and is due on Mother’s Day. She has been very quiet about it on social media. Maybe she was waiting until the show aired? I’m hoping things are going great.
Enter, Tommy and Vida. Vida is very excited and happy for her on camera. When Vida is asked if MJ is gong to be a good mom, Vida says “we will see.” I mean she really has no example to follow in that regard. Golnesa says despite her issues with Mercedeh she knows she will be an amazing mom.
Andy used a viewer question to basically ask how she could film during the death of her father and Tommy stepped right in. He said he thought it was cathartic for her. It pushed her to keep going and get out of the house. He was worried she would retreat further into depression. God I love this man. Tommy was very close to MJ’s father and he promised him that he would take care of MJ and Vida and make sure they always get along. MJ interjects, “That’s a hard one.”
Reza hasn’t had enough attention so he cries about MJ’s father’s passing and that starts MJ crying again. Vida thanks Reza for the kind words. Now everyone is crying. Cut to Destiney crying behind her fan. I recently told someone here that I could never sit next to him at a funeral. I’m having that uncomfortable feeling of “please don’t laugh, please don’t laugh, oh holy Mother of God, DO. NOT. LAUGH.” I blame the editing which I have been enjoying mightily this entire episode. It is just making everything so over the top. It is clear everyone loved MJ’s dad. Reza compliments MJ keeping a happy front the entire time she took care of her father. MJ paid tribute to her father by playing his numbers in Vegas for her bachelorette party and she won thousands of dollars. Aw.
Speaking of Vegas or perhaps Palm Springs, we move on to one of MJ’s bridal parties and how Vida is closer to MJ now. Vida says being around MJ helps with her depression. Andy asks if she feels bad for treating MJ like crap all these years. She says she does and everyone makes mistakes and she has learned from it. MJ says they are moving on to a new chapter. Then in the next segment, Vida proceeds to tell us how much she hates her makeup.
MJ explains her odd walk to the altar. She says it was her first time seeing all the people who flew out to her wedding and she wanted to be with them. MJ says not writing down her vows is a huge regret. Reza says he tried to talk her out of the part where she said, “I want to love you more.” It just didn’t come out right. Tommy says he didn’t plan to say “Absofuckinglutely!” Instead of I do. Vida did not like that. Or her makeup or a lot of things. Tommy escorts Vida backstage.
At the end the pass incense and say a bad thing they want gone and a good thing they want to keep. Reza doesn’t mention Adam. Mike wants to keep away the haters. Sorry Mike, I’m still here. GG wants to learn patience and understanding. Nema wants to be closer to the group and wants wealth and good help for everyone. Destiney wants everyone to be well and healthy. MJ wants her family to grow and be healthy.
Once again, Andy tries to speak Farsi. Just stop.