90 Day Fiancé: I Know What You Did

By The Lady Cocotte

90 Day Fiancé has been making crazy headlines all weekend. And that’s without the new episode! So sit back and enjoy. Or pull your hair out. Your call. Warning: This post (and comments) could contain 90DF spoilers.

STEVEN, 20 (Bowie, Md) and OLGA, 20 (Russia)

Olga wakes Steven in the middle of the night. Time’s up. The baby is coming. She’s terrified. As Steven runs through frame, pain washes over Olga’s face. She’s about to make the biggest leap of her life, without a parachute, strapped to an emotionally unstable manchild. There’s no backing out now. The hospital has no patience for the cameras or Steven’s sense of entitlement. Olga is forced to stand in a drafty hallway as wave after wave of contractions hit, begging him to leave. Steven won’t take no for an answer. He badgers. He cajoles. He threatens. Finally, Olga’s pain/stupidity threshold hits it’s limit. “Don’t mess with me, Steven,” she growls. Olga lumbers away to labor in privacy and the hospital asks the crew to leave. Steven pledges to take his family back to the lawless United States, where a man’s will bends rules.

Steven returns to the hospital at first light, hoping to gain access to his birth experience. Alone in her room, Olga winces in pain. There’s a lot of paperwork but eventually American audacity pays off. Steven’s in the room. His genuine delight (and surprise) at hearing his son’s heartbeat charms Olga. She might be the only adult in the relationship but she’s not alone. Steven is confused when the doctor explains his big-headed kid needs a C-section. Calling it a caesarean section doesn’t help matters. As they head into the operating room, Steven and Olga look like the children they are.

COLT, 33 (Las Vegas, NV), DEBBIE, 55 (Las Vegas, NV) and LARISSA, 31 (Brazil)

Until her green card comes along, Larissa can’t work or drive. Being stuck at home with Debbie is her new normal. Raw enmity clothed in thinly veiled civility (and beef stew). Every action is a battle, every decision a power struggle. Larissa turns to retail therapy. She can’t get rid of the Papa Colt Memorial slot machine but maybe the right couch can turn their dingy apartment into a dingy home. Debbie, the keeper of the car and Colt’s credit card, grudgingly agrees to tag along. She can’t help but roll her eyes as Larissa searches for the most biggee couch. Debbie can spot a gold digger from a mile away. She sees one every time she looks in the mirror. While Colt’s two users negotiate a couch purchase, the underlying power struggle bubbles to the surface. Debbie plays the ace up her sleeve: Colt needs to join this devil’s triangle make the final decision. When Colt eventually backs his mother, Debbie can’t contain her glee. Or her smirk. Mama, 1. Larissa, zero.

On a rare break from Debbie duty, Colt and Larissa visit his cousin’s Etsy-styled home. We find out Larissa expresses love by taking care of Colt’s physical needs but prefers to ignore his boner. It seems cooking ability isn’t the only thing Larissa lied about. Colt, on the other hand, has a great sexual drive. John and Lea’s open-mouthed stares as Colt and Larissa over-share is all of us. Things get a little prickly when John’s skepticism leaks into conversation. Larissa defends her relationship like a pro (she probably got top honors at gold digger school) but now his name’s on the list. Debbie, Cookie Dookie, John. It won’t be today, probably not tomorrow, but some day Larissa will burn their houses down.

ASHLEY, 31 (Mechanicsburg, PA) and JAY, 20 (Jamaica)

Ashley throws Jay a surprise party. She’s ready for him to make friendships and put down roots. The biggest roadblock in their way is Natalie, Ashley’s best friend and Jamaican wingwoman. TLC expects fireworks when the Lothario and the Messenger go at it, mano a mano. The thing is, it’s hard to be invested when Ashley doesn’t care if he cheated. The writing’s on the wall. The message is clear. Ashley has picked her side. #TeamSkinz. The next morning, resplendent in post-coital haze, Jay puts the final nail in Natalie’s coffin. He explains it’s just easier if Natalie’s not around. Ashley agrees. I mean, who needs friends when you’ve got a man?

Natalie is out. Out of Ashley’s life and out of the wedding. Ashley meets up with her bridesmaids to pick up their dresses (and figure out who should be her new best friend). In case you were wondering if she’s even close to these girls, listen, this isn’t the first bridesmaid dress they’ve bought for Ashley. They’re only supporting this wedding so they finally get to wear one. In her “Tired Ass Showgirl” t-shirt, Ashley makes a big deal about Natalie’s no longer needed, “bigger” dress. Ashley is bitter. She spends so much time vilifying her former friend, she misses out on the dress experience. Kind of reminds me of LeeAnne’s dress fitting. Hopefully this is the end of the Natalie bashing. Jay is being pretty ugly on social media and it bums me out.

KALANI, 29 (Rancho Santa Margarita, CA) and ASUELU, 23 (Samoa)

Kalani and Asuelu have to move back to Utah with her mom, dad, and brother. Asuelu wonders how they’re going to make whoopie under daddy’s roof. Now that the not-so-much-a-virgin cat is out of the bag, Kalani is on the Ashley and Jay sex schedule. Things get serious when Kalani brings up Oliver’s father. She knows it’s important to work things out with Kolini before they move. We get another creepy talking head where she makes her relationship with her sister sound crazy dysfunctional. Asuelu is scared of Kolini. He knows who wears the pants in his relationship. Kolini will decide his future.

Kolini, fresh off a new Xanax scrip, breezes into her sit-down with Asuelu like a human being. It throws me off because, Kolini. She thinks it’s adorable that Asuelu has never had wine before. She clearly explains her anger over the supposed-cheating and accepts Asuelu’s version of events. For the first time in her sister (or father’s) presence, Kalani looks up. She tells her sister she loves Asuelu. He’s the one. Kolini gets it. All walls are down. She accepts Asuelu. For now.

JONATHAN, 32 (Lumberton. NC) and FERNANDA, 19 (Mexico)

Jonathan takes Fernanda to the beach to get her mind off the crushing boredom of her new life. Over dinner, Fernanda makes Jonathan’s deep-seated family issues about her. Without their support, she boldly declares, the wedding is off. Jonathan, the teen whisperer, manages to calm Fer down without spilling the depth of his mother’s opposition. Think Kalani’s family. Chantal’s family. Fernanda tucks into her sea bass, unaware of the emotional iceberg looming.

Fernanda is excited to go clubbing. The lovebirds met in a disco when she was 16 18 years old and it remains one of her favorite activities. But she’s not prepared for the reality of clubbing in the states. Fernanda can’t drink. Only Jonathan can. Which he does. A lot. I don’t know if you’ve ever hung out with a drunk person sober. It sucks. When Fernanda escapes to the bathroom for a Jonathan break, TLC sends in a ringer. Before he knows what’s up, drunk Jonathan is grinding on a blonde floozie. He tries to stop the gyrations in a “doth protest too much” kind of way. He tells her he can’t dance with her but his hands go exploring. He tells her he’s engaged but his pelvis says, “-ish.” Jonathan loves any kind of attention. He’s like Jax in that way. But what he loves most of all is a jealous Fernanda. Jonathan gets his ultimate desire. Fernanda gets physical and storms out of the club. Their vacation weekend devolves into shouting in a parking lot. I’m sorry but that’s so Jax.

ERIC, a really rough 40 (Baraboo, WI) and LEIDA, a really rough 29 (Indonesia)

In a case of TLC staging on steroids, Eric crams Leida’s entire family into a small van. He plans to spend a night in Philadelphia (because New York is too expensive for did-you-know-he’s-poor Eric) before road tripping to Wisconsin. Please. There’s no way that is cheaper than flying directly to a Baraboo-adjacent airport. I’m already over these faking fraudsters. Leida tells Eric her family is talking about him in Bahasa. He seems equal parts shocked and hurt when they say he looks old. Really, girl? Really?

At a lovely Airbnb in Wisconsin, Eric’s confused parents, youngest daughter and (gasp) ex-wife greet Leida’s equally confused family. They stare across the room at each other, fully aware Eric and Leida’s folie à deux will take them all down. Leida’s family tries to convince us her BA-equivalent degree makes her a doctor and I’m grateful for the comedic break. Leida, desperate for drama, whines. First she has issue with Tania. Then she complains about the older girls working instead of welcoming their new step-mommy. Her family ignores her, as they’ve done many times before. Eric mumbles and grumbles. Can we please end this frightfest of a welcome home party already? I want to claw my eyeballs out.

In further adventures of Rich Girl/Poor Boy, Eric brings Leida home. She’s obnoxious in the hallway. Oh, honey. Save some of that soap opera acting for the apartment. You’re going to need it. Eric pretends the trash pit he calls home is Tasha’s fault. While I’m sure it’s not easy living with a teenager (just ask Jonathan), this mess has TLC’s fingerprints all over it. As Leida tours the apartment, I have to cry foul. There’s no way Eric lives like that. A single bed with one faded sheet. Stained carpet. An inflatable couch? It’s as bad as Peter’s apartment on Vanderpump Rules (and that’s a scary comparison). Leida has a totally unexpected and unplanned explosion. Tears. Anger. Frustration. Ever on brand, she tries to turn her sadness into a maid negotiation. She can’t do it alone. It’s not even her mess! Eric promises, through gritted teeth, “It’s going to work out.” Sure, Jan.

Next week: Jonathan and Fernanda continue their fight; Colt has a surprise for Larissa; Jay feels uncomfortable at Ashley’s local market; Kalani and Asuelu move to Utah; Leida questions coming to America; Olga has complications while in labor.